Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell the OMs wife

162 replies

Noideawhat2do · 14/02/2025 22:00

Right will try and make this short as possible. I recently found out my wife was having an affair when a guy from work (I'm the husband). Marriage wasn't great in terms of affection, intimacy and general emotional availablity (as in over the past few years she became distant etc). Anyway after me asking for second time (denied the first time) I got the whole story which backed up what id already found out. Basically both him and her are terrified I'll let on to their work and have said the affair is over (I'm pretty sure it's not and obvs are still in contact) and that I go to his wife. This is my problem over the past few weeks I've literally being moving in a haze but now we've separated I'm fairly sure they have or about to start up again - he contacted me telling how grateful he is I never told his wife - this is the thing I didn't contact her as I told him he should do it if he has any conscience and a lot of people advised me not to get involved in his family BUT why shouldn't she know, we've both been treated like crap but the difference is I know it but she doesn't. AIBU to not tell her as I'm dealing with the fallout for me and my kids and need to concentrate on that??

OP posts:
3luckystars · 14/02/2025 22:02

I wouldn’t have anything to do with them. It must be so hard I’m so sorry x

Ph3 · 14/02/2025 22:04

I’m sorry that your wife did this to you. This is such a divisive thought. See if that was me - I would 100 percent want to know so I would hope I would be told if I didn’t find out

Original poster
Noideawhat2do · 14/02/2025 22:06

Ph3 · 14/02/2025 22:04

I’m sorry that your wife did this to you. This is such a divisive thought. See if that was me - I would 100 percent want to know so I would hope I would be told if I didn’t find out

Bring the betrayed partner myself I totally get it - I'd want to know but I'm now dealing with so much I'm not sure I can do this as well

OP posts:
3luckystars · 14/02/2025 22:07

What an absolute creep that he thanked you for not telling his wife! Why doesn’t he tell her? It’s out!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2025 22:09

My lovely friend was told by the OM’s wife and was hugely grateful.

Whammyyammy · 14/02/2025 22:09

If I was ow, I would want to know

pimplebum · 14/02/2025 22:11

Her husband has left her , I’m sure she will work it out

crackernutted · 14/02/2025 22:12

Firstly I personally would want to know. But it is a lot of responsibility telling someone such horrible news. There will be consequences. She will need support. Do you know if she has anyone to turn to? Remember how you felt. Is it really your place to do this? Is there part of you wanting revenge or feeling it's unfair that you are going through this and they aren't (as a family).

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's pain all round. Imagine yourself how you will feel after telling her, not immediately but in the days after, that feeling will give you the answer of whether to tell her or not.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 14/02/2025 22:13

😄😄 I'd be taking myself on a trip to tell his wife and then to confront them in their place of work 🥰 xx

Sorry, op, how shit 🥺

Original poster
Noideawhat2do · 14/02/2025 22:17

crackernutted · 14/02/2025 22:12

Firstly I personally would want to know. But it is a lot of responsibility telling someone such horrible news. There will be consequences. She will need support. Do you know if she has anyone to turn to? Remember how you felt. Is it really your place to do this? Is there part of you wanting revenge or feeling it's unfair that you are going through this and they aren't (as a family).

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's pain all round. Imagine yourself how you will feel after telling her, not immediately but in the days after, that feeling will give you the answer of whether to tell her or not.

I don't know her but it they've got kids and she's definitely got a large family and group of friends

OP posts:
Original poster
Noideawhat2do · 14/02/2025 22:18

pimplebum · 14/02/2025 22:11

Her husband has left her , I’m sure she will work it out

He's not left her they are still together and she is none the wiser

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/02/2025 22:18

If I was his wife I would want to know but there is nothing wrong with prioritising yourself right now and focusing on what you can.

countonnoone · 14/02/2025 22:21

Do whatever feels best for you. You and your dc are the priority and if you quite understandably can’t face it, don’t.
But me? Yes I would tell her, primarily because if it was me, I’d want to know. And secondly, because being a lying, cheating shithead does and should have consequences. And you are not responsible for OMs wife pain…..HE is, along with your wife.
I am sorry this happened to you, it’s a massive shit sandwich, but you will recover, in time.

Cherryandpineapple · 14/02/2025 22:21

pimplebum · 14/02/2025 22:11

Her husband has left her , I’m sure she will work it out

i don’t t think they have separated. It’s the op and his wife who have split up.

User0103 · 14/02/2025 22:25

What an absolute cunt he is, imagine putting you in that position.

Yes, she and their children will bear the brunt of it - but you owe him nothing. They planted a bomb in your household, so they don’t get to ask that of you. It’s fine to talk about kindness and ethical - but anger and revenge exist too. You can choose to be the better person, but you don’t have to. I would definitely use it as a leverage in the divorce. If they want it kept a secret you can find out exactly how much they want it kept.

Maybe You could just message him back that you will be telling his wife, but it will be at a time of your choosing, and you won’t be giving him notice.

TunnocksOrDeath · 14/02/2025 22:28

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but please don't drop a bombshell. This is exactly what happened to my friend's mum when I was a kid, only the wronged husband inadvertently chose to tell the poor woman that her husband was a cheating louse less than a week after she'd buried her father. Not only was it far too much for her to deal with in one go, but the fallout for their kids of watching their Mum go through it all was totally horrendous.

bananascentedhair · 14/02/2025 22:32

I was recently in a similar situation (I wasn't married to my now ex-thankfully!)

I made the decision to tell the OWs fiance. They didn't deserve my loyalty and I know when my ex husband (not this ex - clearly I have terrible taste in men!) cheated on me I would have wanted to know.

It's ultimately upto you- but I knew my conscience wouldn't sit right until I did.

Hairoit · 14/02/2025 22:38

And give your wife what she wants? The OM single? Nope

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 14/02/2025 22:47

You don't have to make any immediate decisions. Don't even think about it until you're in a better position to think it through.
Maybe in a few weeks time your thoughts will crystallise one way or the other (you might find out the affair is definitely back on/hasn't stopped for eg).
If it was me I'd want to know but I'm not in your shoes.
Really sorry you're having to make this choice.

bananascentedhair · 14/02/2025 22:48

Hairoit · 14/02/2025 22:38

And give your wife what she wants? The OM single? Nope

As if they'll work out in the real world. These people thrive on the excitement of betraying their other halves and running around like a pair of horny teenagers... once that's gone the spark, goes quickly after.

He's clearly more invested in saving his marriage, hence the phone call. He'll cut OPs wife off in a second. Let's be honest, if they both really wanted to be together, 50% of the damage is already done, so they would be.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 14/02/2025 23:02

It’s unclear how you want us to vote. YABU = you don’t tell her. And YANBU = you do tell her?

TheLionandAlbert · 14/02/2025 23:08

I wouldn’t tell her. As you say, you need to deal with yourself and your kids.

Misery loves company, but it won’t make your situation better.

Original poster
Noideawhat2do · 14/02/2025 23:27

bananascentedhair · 14/02/2025 22:48

As if they'll work out in the real world. These people thrive on the excitement of betraying their other halves and running around like a pair of horny teenagers... once that's gone the spark, goes quickly after.

He's clearly more invested in saving his marriage, hence the phone call. He'll cut OPs wife off in a second. Let's be honest, if they both really wanted to be together, 50% of the damage is already done, so they would be.

Show quote history

My feeling is she is much more invested then he is - he is basically a horny bastard/office flirt that wanted some fun but it meant waaay more to her (enough to willingly split her family up). My take is I've escaped but at a huge emotional cost to myself but if they end up together won't they always be looking over the others shoulder as they are both cheaters and if it's once a cheater always a cheater then... Put it this way Romeo and Juliet they ain't

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 14/02/2025 23:37

I'm not sure there is a definite answer to your AIBU but I did want to mention something...

Their affair won't last. Affairs rarely have a happy ending and it is very likely she'll be back with her tail between her legs within a year. Be prepared for this and always remember that you deserve much better. Don't ever forget that.

bananascentedhair · 14/02/2025 23:45

@Noideawhat2do
Almost an exact replica of the situation I was in (except I was dating the office horny bastard!) and the OW was taking scraps from whatever he would give her because he was spending his "prime time" with me.

Whatever you choose to do, you've taken the fun out of their dynamic.

I would tell the wife, because why should he get off Scot free, whilst manipulating your wife and his? How dare he think that his actions have no consequences.

Maybe I'm bitter, but I was in the situation his wife was in, and I'd want to have the dignity of being able to make a choice about staying in a marriage that was filled with deceit.

For what it's worth, I found out my ex husband was cheating when we had 7 month old twins, and I kicked him out and never looked back.

Swipe left for the next trending thread