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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell the OMs wife

162 replies

Noideawhat2do · 14/02/2025 22:00

Right will try and make this short as possible. I recently found out my wife was having an affair when a guy from work (I'm the husband). Marriage wasn't great in terms of affection, intimacy and general emotional availablity (as in over the past few years she became distant etc). Anyway after me asking for second time (denied the first time) I got the whole story which backed up what id already found out. Basically both him and her are terrified I'll let on to their work and have said the affair is over (I'm pretty sure it's not and obvs are still in contact) and that I go to his wife. This is my problem over the past few weeks I've literally being moving in a haze but now we've separated I'm fairly sure they have or about to start up again - he contacted me telling how grateful he is I never told his wife - this is the thing I didn't contact her as I told him he should do it if he has any conscience and a lot of people advised me not to get involved in his family BUT why shouldn't she know, we've both been treated like crap but the difference is I know it but she doesn't. AIBU to not tell her as I'm dealing with the fallout for me and my kids and need to concentrate on that??

OP posts:
Original poster
Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 10:36

Alondra · 15/02/2025 10:16

And I understand having an empathic reaction to a stranger situation. The difference is that we empathise and be incredibly generous to causes and people that haven't hurt us directly.

The OP is asking about contacting the wife to blow her world and family with the information. There is nothing altruistic about it,.

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I disagree as the level of pain I've been through has been incredible and I don't want someone else to experience that (that's why I've said nothing) BUT I keep going back to thinking if I hadn't found out I could have gone to my grave not knowing and that makes it worse. For me knowledge is the best base to inform choice- if I shared what I knew then she can make a choice but it is one she has made with knowledge behind her. Remember I dont know the state of their marriage - she could be suspicious already or maybe she's been unfaithful - I've no idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 10:38

Aspasia2 · 15/02/2025 10:35

You could always try for more than 50/50; your children need their mother but they don't need 50% of their time in the mess she has created.

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And this is it - regardless of what has happened and that's she's not been around for them as much as she could have been for the last few years she is their mum and I've no intention of damaging that - they need us both

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 15/02/2025 10:41

how big is the area you live in? Your family know, some people at work… it’s not a secret it’s just his wife doesn’t know. Will she find out anyway?

I would want to know, I would want the proof so I could sort myself out … she may already know he’s a cheater but not have proof/ he’s gaslighting her and making her feel like she’s crazy… you and your kids come first in your life op so make the best decision you can live with and move on.

from me, if you told me I would think of it as a kindness as it wouldn’t be an easy choice…but that’s me

Maray1967 · 15/02/2025 10:41

User0103 · 14/02/2025 22:25

What an absolute cunt he is, imagine putting you in that position.

Yes, she and their children will bear the brunt of it - but you owe him nothing. They planted a bomb in your household, so they don’t get to ask that of you. It’s fine to talk about kindness and ethical - but anger and revenge exist too. You can choose to be the better person, but you don’t have to. I would definitely use it as a leverage in the divorce. If they want it kept a secret you can find out exactly how much they want it kept.

Maybe You could just message him back that you will be telling his wife, but it will be at a time of your choosing, and you won’t be giving him notice.

This is more or less what I would do - but I disagree that not saying anything is being the better person. I think the wife has a right to know and I would definitely tell her. But oh yes I would definitely use it as divorce leverage so I would say that I have not yet decided whether I should tell the wife because I’m considering the ethics of the issue.

The only caveat I have is that I would try to find out if breaking this news would cause illness eg if she was pregnant or having treatment etc. I would bear that in mind.

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 15/02/2025 10:53

@Noideawhat2do

Have you got a solicitor involved yet?

If I were you, this is the step I would take next. You can get your ducks in a row and start getting the split formalised. Legal advice and knowledge is empowering.

Forget telling or not telling the wife, get legal advice and find out where you stand.

This may give you a sense of control back in a situation where you feel lost.

Much more productive and a step towards a more positive future.

Original poster
Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 11:00

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 15/02/2025 10:53

@Noideawhat2do

Have you got a solicitor involved yet?

If I were you, this is the step I would take next. You can get your ducks in a row and start getting the split formalised. Legal advice and knowledge is empowering.

Forget telling or not telling the wife, get legal advice and find out where you stand.

This may give you a sense of control back in a situation where you feel lost.

Much more productive and a step towards a more positive future.

Edited

We will be legally separated soon

OP posts:
FindusMakesPancakes · 15/02/2025 11:04

Most of the time, I advocate for staying out of it, keep to your side of the street, and deal with your own fall out.
The thanking you for not telling her though, swings me to think she should be told. He has tried to have you in his corner, loyal to some kind of unspoken man code where you don't tell on each other. She deserves better than that.

I am sorry you are in this place. Being cheated on is the worst pain ever.

Original poster
Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 11:08

FindusMakesPancakes · 15/02/2025 11:04

Most of the time, I advocate for staying out of it, keep to your side of the street, and deal with your own fall out.
The thanking you for not telling her though, swings me to think she should be told. He has tried to have you in his corner, loyal to some kind of unspoken man code where you don't tell on each other. She deserves better than that.

I am sorry you are in this place. Being cheated on is the worst pain ever.

I'm very clear on this if he thinks there some kind of man code he can get to fuck we might both be men but we are not the same - he's a scumbag (so is she TBF) and given that other people know I might not even need to do much

OP posts:
desperatedaysareover · 15/02/2025 11:13

@Noideawhat2do

oh, God, no, DB didn’t get back with her! Think that formed a large part of the resulting fury, dumped twice🫣

You and your wife will still have to negotiate a settlement and co-parent and all that stuff. People who have affairs and leave their families aren’t always in the best headspace for fairness and rationality. Nice that F&F have offered to assist you.

You know the OM, you know your wife, it’s 100 % up to you. My DB also wanted to be heard because of that feeling you have of having been manipulated and lied to. Watch your back, take care of yourself.

Original poster
Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 11:21

Headpainempathy · 15/02/2025 09:04

Just tell her. You ARE the best person to tell her. Whether it's because of revenge or for her wellbeing regarding her sexual health etc. it doesn't matter. At least it's coming direct from you and not an anonymous source or via a rumour where she might doubt it's validity. Sorry you're going through this.You did make me laugh where you said Romeo and Juliet they ain't.....!

One of the funniest things someone has said to me in all of this is "it's all exciting when your messaging each other, getting all hot and bothered at work when you know it's wrong and shagging in hotels but when all that is all taken away and replaced with the snoring and farting reality in the cold light of day it is quite different" dunno about him but true for her anyway

OP posts:
FindusMakesPancakes · 15/02/2025 11:40

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 11:08

I'm very clear on this if he thinks there some kind of man code he can get to fuck we might both be men but we are not the same - he's a scumbag (so is she TBF) and given that other people know I might not even need to do much

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So tell her then. At the moment, he is still thinking that. Still has his little bubble of getting away with it.

Enko · 15/02/2025 11:49

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 11:08

I'm very clear on this if he thinks there some kind of man code he can get to fuck we might both be men but we are not the same - he's a scumbag (so is she TBF) and given that other people know I might not even need to do much

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I think I would just respond to him with "What makes you think I haven't?" Then leave him to stew in his own mess.

I dont think its your responsibility to tell his wife op. However I also get the "I would want to know" people. In the end you have to do what feels right to you. Not worry about what others feels is right

RitaFromTheRanch · 15/02/2025 11:50

I would want to know.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 15/02/2025 12:07

I'm so sorry OP, what a shitty situation. I know you've had to stay strong for your kids, but if you feel you can tell the OMs wife without compromising your own recovery then do it. If I were in her situation, I would want to know and would be grateful to you for telling me.

kkloo · 15/02/2025 12:33

I also think you should tell her. You know you'd want to be told if the situation was reversed.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 15/02/2025 12:37

If I was the betrayed partner, I'd want to know. The best way for me would be perhaps a Facebook message letting her know in a compassionate manner.

I'm sorry you're going through this, cheats are amongst the lowest of the low.

GreyAreas · 15/02/2025 13:13

I think his message would make me do it.

Anonymouseposter · 15/02/2025 13:29

I'm not sure that I would tell his wife because of any possible impact on your children.
I would reply to his message saying that you haven't yet decided whether to tell her and that if you do you won't be discussing it with him in advance so he would be well advised to tell her himself.

Toooldtorave · 15/02/2025 14:38

I’d tell her. Not out of anger or to hurt her but to give her the agency to make her own decision.

My ExH had an affair with a friend. We had a large circle of friends and one of the most hurtful things was finding out a lot of them knew and I didn’t. When it came out (I dropped out of a huge party the day after I found out about affair and I was very transparent as to why I wasn’t going) I was told they’d had suspicions but didn’t want to interfere, or they thought I knew and didn’t mind!

Tell her gently - she may already suspect and this will give her the facts she needs to decided what she needs to do next.

Notadramallama · 15/02/2025 14:48

As someone who was the cheated on wife, please, please tell her. What she does with that info is up to her.

I'd also message the other bloke and just say, "she knows".

Unescorted · 15/02/2025 17:08

User0103 · 15/02/2025 09:31

Why do you despise him?

If your spouse upended his life, then surely your spouse is responsible for setting off the chain of events?

Thinking about it- who could he have asked to tell you?

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His intent was to get revenge on my husband and his wife but he insisted on dragging me into his chest beating posturing. I did not need that as I was trying to keep my family in some sense of normallacy. He shattered that for his own vendetta. It caused damage to me and my children. I got apologies and contrition from the other 2 parties. He couldn't accept that I had a different way of dealing with the situation.

Unescorted · 15/02/2025 17:10

Agix · 15/02/2025 08:51

That's silly. Getting mad just because the husband told you to get revenge even though it was best for you to know anyway. Who cares why he told you? You don't need to "take on" anything from him. I mean if the guy was harassing you thats another story, but barring that you yourself are the only reason if you took his anger personally and "on your shoulders".

It sounds like misplaced anger from you to me - that should've all been directed towards your cheating husband.

Tell her OP. Even if it's just for revenge, it's better to do so.

Honestly think most people who say don't tell her are probably people who would have something to hide themselves. I don't understand why anyone WOULDN'T tell her.

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You weren't there. I was... We all live in a small village and his way of telling me ( more than once,) was to follow me into shops and shout it out in front of my kids, their friends and parents. So yes I can dispise him.

Unescorted · 15/02/2025 17:15

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 08:47

It's a good point but who is the best person to tell her?

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Depends... My husband told me, the husband of the OW could not accept that I knew and was able to put a public face on. She may already know and is choosing to put a facade up to prevent further emotional damage. I wish one of our mutual friends had spoken up when they realised something was going on.

PointsSouth · 15/02/2025 17:18

I think I'd wait until the affair peters out, then tell his wife.

Or, actually, you don't need to tell her. You just need to tell him you've told her.

Elasticatedtrousers · 15/02/2025 17:22

@Unescorted are you still with your husband?