Do I tell the OMs wife

[Noideawhat2do]

Right will try and make this short as possible. I recently found out my wife was having an affair when a guy from work (I'm the husband). Marriage wasn't great in terms of affection, intimacy and general emotional availablity (as in over the past few years she became distant etc). Anyway after me asking for second time (denied the first time) I got the whole story which backed up what id already found out. Basically both him and her are terrified I'll let on to their work and have said the affair is over (I'm pretty sure it's not and obvs are still in contact) and that I go to his wife. This is my problem over the past few weeks I've literally being moving in a haze but now we've separated I'm fairly sure they have or about to start up again - he contacted me telling how grateful he is I never told his wife - this is the thing I didn't contact her as I told him he should do it if he has any conscience and a lot of people advised me not to get involved in his family BUT why shouldn't she know, we've both been treated like crap but the difference is I know it but she doesn't. AIBU to not tell her as I'm dealing with the fallout for me and my kids and need to concentrate on that??

Absolutely tell her.

Her personal agency and right to informed sexual consent is being taken from her.

It is the right thing to do.

And I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation.

Do you have children with your ex @Noideawhat2do ?

On the one hand, I think the wife should know as he is effectively abusing her.

On the other, if you have kids I wouldn't want to suddenly make him single and potentially their step dad for however brief a period.

Sounds like your ex is about to go through a shit storm of realising who this guy is. The fall out won't be pretty.

You need to focus on getting yourself onto stable ground as well. Don't be the plan B for her when it all goes wrong. You deserve much more than being a back up plan.

'I'm struggling with the informed consent bit because that's what's happened to me and I can't get my head round how she thought this was ok regardless of me being the man and assuming I'd be up for it always - I've would never have had sex if I'd known she was seeing him - 2 STI tests and HIV bloods later (all clear thankfully) it has really rattled me to the core and is part of the reason I would want to tell her.'

I know the feeling of being shaken to the core when you realise this. I was actually physically sick, it was a horrendous time. I promise healing does come but it takes time!

Yes I've got primary school aged DC

Ask yourself why you want to tell her. I was told by the OW's husband. He told me not out of concern for my well being but to take revenge on my husband. I dispise him for that. I knew my husband was a cheating shit but I was working through it in my own way. I did not need to take on the chest beating retribution of a wronged man as an extra layer.

Yes her knowing is probably the best for her in the long run but you are absolutely the worst person to tell her.

Hmmm in that case I wouldn't tell because the fall out could be huge for your kids.

That's obviously not fair on the wife but your kids need to be the priority here. They need stability as much as possible.

Just bide your time, the relationship will fizzle out once single life sets in for your ex and she becomes clingy with him. The thrill won't be there anymore.

Meantime, just focus on keeping a stable environment for the kids because that's what they need.

The children trump everything else in my view.

I personally would want to know. But it will stir up a whole lot of trouble won't it. I think you meed to see your wife as the children's mum for now. How would your children act if say this woman (who you don't know) became violent towards her. Most women actually blame the other woman, especially if they know they are married.

It's a good point but who is the best person to tell her?

That's silly. Getting mad just because the husband told you to get revenge even though it was best for you to know anyway. Who cares why he told you? You don't need to "take on" anything from him. I mean if the guy was harassing you thats another story, but barring that you yourself are the only reason if you took his anger personally and "on your shoulders".

It sounds like misplaced anger from you to me - that should've all been directed towards your cheating husband.

Tell her OP. Even if it's just for revenge, it's better to do so.

Honestly think most people who say don't tell her are probably people who would have something to hide themselves. I don't understand why anyone WOULDN'T tell her.

This!

I would also want to know, but you just put yourself and your children first.

I hope you do well and recover soon.

This! Thanking you for not saying! As a woman I would want to be told. And he does not deserve any protection! Please tell her

I was told, by the husband of the woman that my ex was having a relationship with. It was a bit strange as the OW’s husband called - I knew him reasonably well as all part of a hobby group, so a call wasn’t hugely unusual - asking ‘is he there?’. When I asked who he replied ‘your husband who has been sleeping with my wife’. I was stunned, to say the least. However, I was glad that I knew as ducks could be lined up.
OW husband was devastated, once over the shock, I was more pragmatic.

In retrospect, I was happy to know and to not find out through rumours or being turfed out of my home, which was the plan apparently. In light of that, I think that the poster would be doing the wife lady a favour. I would rather know than not know. OP, do you know the wife at all and how would you go about telling her, if you were to do so?

I don't know her so it would need to be through social media

I agree with the poster upthread who said that the wife's agency and right to consent has been taken away from her.

I would think telling her is morally the right thing to do.
She is living a lie and risking her health, unknowingly. Especially if he's done this before with others. My friend and I sometimes talk about this poor wife who we know about. We often say we should put her out of her misery but of course we never would. We don't even know the wife personally.

The fact that this has happened to you and the wife means you both have this awful thing in common but at least you can both relate to how it feels. But you now know what they've been up to and she's still clueless. Its up to her what she does with that information once she has it but I think most would prefer to know, however devastating that news will be.

The fact that lover boy is still with the wife, shows he's not intending to end his marriage, he just wants his bit of excitement of leading a double life.

Just tell her. You ARE the best person to tell her. Whether it's because of revenge or for her wellbeing regarding her sexual health etc. it doesn't matter. At least it's coming direct from you and not an anonymous source or via a rumour where she might doubt it's validity. Sorry you're going through this.You did make me laugh where you said Romeo and Juliet they ain't.....!

I get all those saying morally the wife should know, but what about the fall out on the children?

Are you going for 50/50 custody @Noideawhat2do ?

Because once you go on the revenge route (let's all be honest that is what it would be) then your kids will have to endure the bitter fall out, for many years to come. Its them that will suffer all the bitterness. Its a very common pattern.

MN will urge you to tell, and they're not entirely wrong but in this instance you've got even more to lose if this gets nasty.

I would definitely want to know.

Yes 50/50 is what we've agreed. A big factor in me being quiet so far is to protect my children as they are as much victims of the fallout as me even if their mum doesn't see it like that (they are losing their home over this so we can both set up independently)

I don’t know what the right thing to do is, but the minute he thanked me for keeping his secret I’d have seen red and blown up his life. Cheeky shite.

Think what he was he was grateful - they are both liars and in that sense welcome to each other. Neither are worth me spending any more of my energy on

Why do you despise him?

If your spouse upended his life, then surely your spouse is responsible for setting off the chain of events?

Thinking about it- who could he have asked to tell you?

I don't think it would necessarily be coming from a place of revenge. You gave him a chance to come clean, that message means he obviously has no intention of doing so. Her not finding out should not be an option, this is an awful secret to keep hidden from someone she is entitled to know. I think if you are going to do it put it all out there in one go. This isn't really a conversation situation just instant messenger her on whatever medium and tell her everything in one long message then send screen shots. Then the ball is in her court she either believes you or not if she wants to talk and you feel up to it you can but if not you can properly absolve yourself of any responsibility towards her.

She deserves to know and they decide what she wants to do with the knowledge and her life.

I would tell her

You sound like a lovely dad and you're putting up with a lot right now. I suspect biting your lip at the provocation you're enduring is taking its toll. I really feel for you.

But your kids losing their home and mum and dad splitting up is so much for them to deal with right now in their young lives. They don't need adult issues to make it worse.

Try to focus on the future and how you will talk about all this with them when they're older. What would you like them to look back and say about this time?

You've got your ex over a barrel at the moment. Get the 50/50 setup done and split assets as cleanly as possible as quickly as possible so you can create a new stable environment for your kids. Bitterness is expensive and protracted. Just remember that.

Whatever happens with your ex and the lounge lizard is on them. Romeo and Juliet didn't end well either so just remember that!

I don't believe in revenge. And frankly, telling the H/W of the affair is just that. Revenge.

This is the reason why divorce is in place. If your spouse cheats on you, and it's a deal breaker, you divorce. Be adult enough to deal with your feelings of betrayal and focus on coo parenting your children without too much bitterness for their sake.

Wishing you the best.