Page 4 | Do I tell the OMs wife

Noideawhat2do · 2025-02-14T22:00:35+00:00

Right will try and make this short as possible. I recently found out my wife was having an affair when a guy from work (I'm the husband). Marriage wasn't great in terms of affection, intimacy and general emotional availablity (as in over the past few years she became distant etc). Anyway after me asking for second time (denied the first time) I got the whole story which backed up what id already found out. Basically both him and her are terrified I'll let on to their work and have said the affair is over (I'm pretty sure it's not and obvs are still in contact) and that I go to his wife. This is my problem over the past few weeks I've literally being moving in a haze but now we've separated I'm fairly sure they have or about to start up again - he contacted me telling how grateful he is I never told his wife - this is the thing I didn't contact her as I told him he should do it if he has any conscience and a lot of people advised me not to get involved in his family BUT why shouldn't she know, we've both been treated like crap but the difference is I know it but she doesn't. AIBU to not tell her as I'm dealing with the fallout for me and my kids and need to concentrate on that??

Sunnydiary · 15/02/2025 09:39

Yes, I would tell the OMs wife. She deserves to know.

Needhelp101 · 15/02/2025 09:40

I would absolutely tell her. I was in her situation and the husband of the OW (who was a close friend!) told me. It was horrendous but at least I wasn't having my reality denied which absolutely fucks with your head. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I would recommend a read of the Chump Lady website and her book as well.

LittlePudding1 · 15/02/2025 09:41

I was told by the OW husband, he came to my house and told me face to face
Whilst this was very distressing at the time and I'm not recommending you do it this way, I'm very glad that he did tell me as he is now my ex DH and I am much happier without him.

Bamboozledbylife · 15/02/2025 09:44

I don't think you need to be hugely involved, but if you were the one to not be aware, would you want to know? I'm sure I would, however hard to hear.

Elasticatedtrousers · 15/02/2025 09:45

'I don't believe in revenge. And frankly, telling the H/W of the affair is just that. Revenge.'

No it's not. In many cases it's empathy because you know EXACTLY how it feels to have your personal agency and right to informed sexual consent removed and you want to stop the other betrayed spouse being abused the way you have been.

And even 'if' you tell out of 'revenge' it still allows the other betrayed partner a chance to make decisions about THEIR life with all the cards laid out on front of them.

LynetteScavo · 15/02/2025 09:45

I don't think you need to rush into making a decision about this. He really is a cheeky fucker for thanking you for not saying anything. I'd respond by saying although I've not said anything year, it doesn't mean I never will.

If you do tell his wife, it may well make him available for your ex. I'm not sure I'd be keen to facilitate that for a cheating ex. Let her keep on being just the OW.

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 09:51

LynetteScavo · 15/02/2025 09:45

I don't think you need to rush into making a decision about this. He really is a cheeky fucker for thanking you for not saying anything. I'd respond by saying although I've not said anything year, it doesn't mean I never will.

If you do tell his wife, it may well make him available for your ex. I'm not sure I'd be keen to facilitate that for a cheating ex. Let her keep on being just the OW.

I feel I've lost so much control of my life I get this 100% and it might be that only thing I can hold that's keeps my kids away from this seedy (believe me it is seedy and sworded in nearly Sunday Sport proportions) situation and she can waste as much of her time waiting for him as I did being her husband (well for the last few years anyway - there was a time when things were actually good)

OP posts:

TillyKister · 15/02/2025 09:51

If I was his wife, I'd want to know!

Why should you keep his dirty, betraying secret?
Thanking you for not telling his wife is just scummy.
He should be telling her, but he's obviously got no intention of doing so.
Your world has been blown apart, and he's sitting pretty in his marriage.

Tell his wife!

Alondra · 15/02/2025 09:59

Elasticatedtrousers

I don't believe you can have empathy for a person you don't know beyond issues like human rights. Claiming higher empathic feelings for the OW/OM betrayed spouse is a good diversion. No one has feelings for people they don't know, but revenge is a good motivation for intruding in their marriage.

Their marriage is their business. The OP's marriage is his own to focus on.

Elasticatedtrousers · 15/02/2025 10:04

Alondra · 15/02/2025 09:59

Elasticatedtrousers

I don't believe you can have empathy for a person you don't know beyond issues like human rights. Claiming higher empathic feelings for the OW/OM betrayed spouse is a good diversion. No one has feelings for people they don't know, but revenge is a good motivation for intruding in their marriage.

Their marriage is their business. The OP's marriage is his own to focus on.

Edited

Sorry I completely and utterly disagree. Everyday I experience an empathic reaction to a strangers position or reactions to something. That's what this whole platform is built on, strangers empathising with other strangers and offering support. Empathy is after all just understanding the experiences and feelings of another. If you yourself have been betrayed you know the patterns of thought for another and share similar experiences. I'm amazed at this response.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 15/02/2025 10:05

So gross he messaged you with a thank-you 🤢 Sorry this is happening OP.

If at all possible, I would contact the wife, although I get it's really hard. Even if it's "I'm really not in a place emotionally to go into all the details, but you should know that your husband has been having an affair with my wife Susan Smith. I really don't want to speak to you and hope you understand, but you should ask your husband about it".

Elasticatedtrousers · 15/02/2025 10:06

But @Alondra I won't get into a debate with you about this as I think we both need to allow OP thread not to be derailed. I realise you have a differing viewpoint.

AliceMcK · 15/02/2025 10:06

Every day the wife dose not know is another day of her being humiliated, especially given you know and I’d put money on everyone at their work knowing. It could also mean you are giving your ex and the husband more time to get their shit together to screw over his wife, especially if your ex has sights on being his new wife, if you don’t tell her.

I 100% think you need to tell her asap. You don’t have to be cruel, these are the facts, how you found out, when you found out, what you know and what you have done about your side. Tell her you’re telling her as a courtesy and so you can move on with your life now. She can then decide how she handles it.

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 15/02/2025 10:09

AliceMcK · 15/02/2025 10:06

Every day the wife dose not know is another day of her being humiliated, especially given you know and I’d put money on everyone at their work knowing. It could also mean you are giving your ex and the husband more time to get their shit together to screw over his wife, especially if your ex has sights on being his new wife, if you don’t tell her.

I 100% think you need to tell her asap. You don’t have to be cruel, these are the facts, how you found out, when you found out, what you know and what you have done about your side. Tell her you’re telling her as a courtesy and so you can move on with your life now. She can then decide how she handles it.

There are small children involved whose lives could be made a lot worse by telling the wife. The fall out will directly impact them and their lives.

The kids are the ones who need to be at the forefront of any decision the OP makes, not the feelings of the wife.

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 10:11

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 15/02/2025 10:09

There are small children involved whose lives could be made a lot worse by telling the wife. The fall out will directly impact them and their lives.

The kids are the ones who need to be at the forefront of any decision the OP makes, not the feelings of the wife.

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I should add he has kids too - one is under 1 year

OP posts:

desperatedaysareover · 15/02/2025 10:14

The message from OM implies complicity and that you’ve said nothing as a favour to him. Boak. He is quite sickening. I agree re: informed consent and I think OM’s wife deserves to know. However, I think you have enough to deal with without running the risk of being the one to do it.

The reason I say this is there’s a risk if you do it there will be some backlash on you. My DB told the wife of the OM. It only took about two hours before OM dropped DB’s wife and chose his own.

DB’s wife didn’t take it well. She blamed DB for interfering and for ruining her ‘new relationship’ and turned on him. She said he was being controlling etc. I know that’s batshit logic but that’s what happened. He wishes he’d never opened his mouth because it unleashed a whole new level of rage.

I am not saying your wife will do this, but she might react badly and you have to think to the future. When you get forced into a situation like this it can play out a lot of different ways.

There’s also the risk of ‘shoot the messenger’ from them.

Really sorry you’ve been treated so poorly.

Alondra · 15/02/2025 10:16

Elasticatedtrousers · 15/02/2025 10:04

Sorry I completely and utterly disagree. Everyday I experience an empathic reaction to a strangers position or reactions to something. That's what this whole platform is built on, strangers empathising with other strangers and offering support. Empathy is after all just understanding the experiences and feelings of another. If you yourself have been betrayed you know the patterns of thought for another and share similar experiences. I'm amazed at this response.

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And I understand having an empathic reaction to a stranger situation. The difference is that we empathise and be incredibly generous to causes and people that haven't hurt us directly.

The OP is asking about contacting the wife to blow her world and family with the information. There is nothing altruistic about it,.

Happyholidays78 · 15/02/2025 10:16

I would want to know so I would tell the wife. My female friend discovered her husband's affair & never told the OW's husband & both couples are still together & it still astounds me.

MissDoubleU · 15/02/2025 10:22

She deserves to know, it’s not you blowing up the marriage it’s her bastard husband who’s done that. You’d be giving her her autonomy back.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 15/02/2025 10:26

His wife is probably already tormenting herself about the state of her marriage as she doesn't know why things are 'off'. Or she may suspect but he is gaslighting her.

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 10:26

AliceMcK · 15/02/2025 10:06

Every day the wife dose not know is another day of her being humiliated, especially given you know and I’d put money on everyone at their work knowing. It could also mean you are giving your ex and the husband more time to get their shit together to screw over his wife, especially if your ex has sights on being his new wife, if you don’t tell her.

I 100% think you need to tell her asap. You don’t have to be cruel, these are the facts, how you found out, when you found out, what you know and what you have done about your side. Tell her you’re telling her as a courtesy and so you can move on with your life now. She can then decide how she handles it.

So folk at the work know she has split from me but only a few folk know about the affair. I could almost guarantee that if he splits from her they would bide their time announce they've found each in the heartbreak of their "amicable" splits - pass me the sick bucket

OP posts:

Ihaveated · 15/02/2025 10:31

I've been the wife in this situation and I'm still incredibly grateful that I was told. It allowed me to feel confident in my decision to end a very bad marriage with absolutely no regrets! I am now very happily married to someone else and have never looked back.

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 10:31

desperatedaysareover · 15/02/2025 10:14

The message from OM implies complicity and that you’ve said nothing as a favour to him. Boak. He is quite sickening. I agree re: informed consent and I think OM’s wife deserves to know. However, I think you have enough to deal with without running the risk of being the one to do it.

The reason I say this is there’s a risk if you do it there will be some backlash on you. My DB told the wife of the OM. It only took about two hours before OM dropped DB’s wife and chose his own.

DB’s wife didn’t take it well. She blamed DB for interfering and for ruining her ‘new relationship’ and turned on him. She said he was being controlling etc. I know that’s batshit logic but that’s what happened. He wishes he’d never opened his mouth because it unleashed a whole new level of rage.

I am not saying your wife will do this, but she might react badly and you have to think to the future. When you get forced into a situation like this it can play out a lot of different ways.

There’s also the risk of ‘shoot the messenger’ from them.

Really sorry you’ve been treated so poorly.

At least in my case there is no way in hell I'd ever get back with her. If I did say to his wife given I've known for a few weeks she'd want to know why I didn't say something sooner (my defence is I was literally surviving for my DC and trying to get through the day and tbh I still don't have the headspace). There are offers from my family and friends to "do it on my behalf" but I don't feel comfortable with that either - I feel it should be me as I've been gaslit and harmed by them so I am in a position of being able to be truthful in a way they never could

OP posts:

Aspasia2 · 15/02/2025 10:35

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 09:51

I feel I've lost so much control of my life I get this 100% and it might be that only thing I can hold that's keeps my kids away from this seedy (believe me it is seedy and sworded in nearly Sunday Sport proportions) situation and she can waste as much of her time waiting for him as I did being her husband (well for the last few years anyway - there was a time when things were actually good)

Show quote history

You could always try for more than 50/50; your children need their mother but they don't need 50% of their time in the mess she has created.

Tootiredforthis23 · 15/02/2025 10:35

I would tell her OP. If I was her I would want to know. I don’t get the pps saying she has children so you should consider that before telling. She deserves to know she has a cheating husband. If she chooses to stay with him because of the children that’s up to her but at least then she can make that decision herself.