Do I tell the OMs wife

[Noideawhat2do]

Right will try and make this short as possible. I recently found out my wife was having an affair when a guy from work (I'm the husband). Marriage wasn't great in terms of affection, intimacy and general emotional availablity (as in over the past few years she became distant etc). Anyway after me asking for second time (denied the first time) I got the whole story which backed up what id already found out. Basically both him and her are terrified I'll let on to their work and have said the affair is over (I'm pretty sure it's not and obvs are still in contact) and that I go to his wife. This is my problem over the past few weeks I've literally being moving in a haze but now we've separated I'm fairly sure they have or about to start up again - he contacted me telling how grateful he is I never told his wife - this is the thing I didn't contact her as I told him he should do it if he has any conscience and a lot of people advised me not to get involved in his family BUT why shouldn't she know, we've both been treated like crap but the difference is I know it but she doesn't. AIBU to not tell her as I'm dealing with the fallout for me and my kids and need to concentrate on that??

As a wife I'd absolutely want to know this.

Yes I would tell him as I would want to know. Also the best way to end an affair is to shine a light on it.

Not sure. If there are kids involved... I probably wouldn't.
Although I'd find it hard to live with either decision.

Tell her.

Dos anyone else kinda wish that the OP tells the other wife and then writes a message to the arse and says something like ‘I wasn’t going to get involved or tell your wife but since you had the arrogance and audacity to thank me for not telling her I thought I would thank you by telling her myself’. Just me?

I would tell her. They don’t get to decide the rules and hide their horrid mess.

I second this. What an absolute creep and how dare he contact you after turning yours and your kids lives upside down. I know someone in a very similar situation. Left her husband for her manager at work. They go away on lots of work trips all the time but share the same hotel bed. Its been going on about 3 years now. The wife has no idea. He has a couple of kids too.

One time I would have said absolutely tell her, now I’m older and wiser I will say keep out of it, prioritise yourself and your healing. However I wouldn’t be hiding it and if she happens to hear it through the grapevine then so be it. She isn’t your responsibility.

The OW's LT partner rang my (now ex) Husband and forced him to fetch me and hand the phone to me, to spill the beans.
He wanted to ruin my relationship/life, the way my exH, and his own partner, had ruined his.
It worked.
He also stalked me at my home address (with my two young children there), at my place of work, online.
There was no stopping him.
Was the most horrible time of my life and I was the innocent party.
We got brought it pretty well for a long time but split seven years later after the damage/ the scars never go completely eventually unfortunately became too much to bear.

So distasteful of the OM to thank you for not disclosing.

Anyway, the wife is being treated like a moron and she should know.

Tell her, just when you're ready. Maybe along the lines of 'I'm afraid I've not the capacity to do much more than this as I'm dealing with the fallout myself, but I think you should know...'

As I always say on these (though it's usually just about the bloke being a prick) the only ppl benefiting from your silence are the ones who've caused this. Nobody else does. Your wife & this guy don't deserve you carrying guilt for them - how fucking dare they?

This is vile. He contacted you to thank you. What repulsive little weasel he is.

I'd tell her regardless.

You have to tell her. Just be really open to a few things:

• she may already know
• she may get mad at you and call you a liar
• she will undoubtedly want proof (and this is where the weasel message saying "thanks for not telling" comes in)

If you can, arrange to tell her face to face when the kids aren't there.

I wouldn't, it's not likely you will be believed anyway.

I was cheated on by my now exdh, I wish someone had told me, rather than me driving myself mad thinking I was imaging things. I then turned into MI5 trying to find proof etc as he completely denied there was anything amiss. I spent months in this state. If I'd been told I'd have avoided months of pain and confusion and I'd have the facts I needed to make an informed decision.

I'd tell her, with good evidence, because I know I'd want to know in the wife's place.

The man was shagging someone else’s wife. I am so not surprised he is so lacking in self awareness that he would do this. These fuckers are always, always blindingly selfish.
I would add to op, if he is the office shagger as you describe, his wife will find out eventually, this shit is never kept secret forever. I used to work with a man like this, he put it about all over the place with anyone willing and his wife had no idea. She eventually found out (no idea how but I suspect one of his paramours bought into his bullshit and when she discovered that she was just like all the rest, she spilled the beans) His wife found out everything all in one go and let’s just say the fallout was….epic.

Definitely tell her. When my (ex) husband was cheating I suspected something was happening but he gas-lit me to the extent I questioned myself and thought I was going crazy. It was a rubbish marriage anyway and frankly I was grateful to the OW for telling me as it gave me a cast-iron excuse to divorce him.

The wife probably already suspects something, and will probably be grateful to be told.

This is divisive. My general inclination is to tell the other betrayed spouse. If the affair still has not ended then I think you should definitely tell her.

Tell her. If he can cheat once, he can cheat again.

You could even argue it as far as 'informed consent'. Would she even be having sex with him if she knew?

To be honest, you don't even know how faithful your wife is to him, or him to her. For all you know, they could be doing it with multiple people and putting everyone at risk.

I would have told her as soon as I found out,! I would have done it out of anger.

no way should he get away with what he’s done to her. I’d want to know if it was me.

I'm struggling with the informed consent bit because that's what's happened to me and I can't get my head round how she thought this was ok regardless of me being the man and assuming I'd be up for it always - I've would never have had sex if I'd known she was seeing him - 2 STI tests and HIV bloods later (all clear thankfully) it has really rattled me to the core and is part of the reason I would want to tell her.

Urgh, it's so grim that he thanked you. Also wtf? Your marriage is now over, your ex-wife is still with OM but he's not leaving his wife for her? Your wife is in a truly shit position there- her own fault obviously but surely it's usual when it all comes out for the APs either both to leave their spouses or else end the affair? Can't believe she's happy to continue as OW.

My advice generally in these things is just to leave everything alone and focus on your own well-being. Don't get tangled up in their mess.

Personally, if I was the wife being cheated on, I'd want to know.
She probably wouldn't thank you for it in the moment as you'll be throwing a handgrenade into her life, and like you, it's going to be devastating.
Otoh, in your position, I'd tell her as there's no way I'd be keeping their dirty secret.
I'd also tell their work.
I'd be eaten up with thoughts of revenge but that's the way I roll (rightly or wrongly).
Ask yourself this: Why do you want to tell her?
Revenge?
Or because she has a right to know to protect herself?
Then act accordingly.
If it's for revenge, it won't leave you feeling very good about yourself, I'm speaking from experience.
I am very sorry this has happened to you, hopefully you'll get some support on MN and IRL, at least tell your family and friends so they can support you ❤️

At the very least you need to tell the wife.

Exactly the same as happened to myself.
I'd tell her. Lieing takes away your informed choices.
I wish the people that knew had told me.