Do I tell the OMs wife

[Noideawhat2do]

Right will try and make this short as possible. I recently found out my wife was having an affair when a guy from work (I'm the husband). Marriage wasn't great in terms of affection, intimacy and general emotional availablity (as in over the past few years she became distant etc). Anyway after me asking for second time (denied the first time) I got the whole story which backed up what id already found out. Basically both him and her are terrified I'll let on to their work and have said the affair is over (I'm pretty sure it's not and obvs are still in contact) and that I go to his wife. This is my problem over the past few weeks I've literally being moving in a haze but now we've separated I'm fairly sure they have or about to start up again - he contacted me telling how grateful he is I never told his wife - this is the thing I didn't contact her as I told him he should do it if he has any conscience and a lot of people advised me not to get involved in his family BUT why shouldn't she know, we've both been treated like crap but the difference is I know it but she doesn't. AIBU to not tell her as I'm dealing with the fallout for me and my kids and need to concentrate on that??

The OP and the person that he wants to tell have not had the affair. I didn't have the affair yet it was me who was the victim of the husband's need for revenge.

Your sister is in a horrible place... I have been there and got the tee shirt. No one is blaming her. All I have said to the original OP is that if he is telling the wife out of revenge against his own wife and her affair partner it is not a kind thing to do. She may not react in the way he expects and he has too much skin in the game to be doing it solely for her benefit. If anyone else had told me I would have been grateful for the heads up... He just wanted my husband's life to fall apart without any regard for anyone else. Revenge is a very selfish act

We are not going to agree, my sister who was in a terrible place, she’s now free from the cheat, is now in a great place.

What she did, you may say was inappropriate but it wax a reaction to the cheating husband and the other woman. The whole thing pushed her so far.

A result of the cheats cheating.

I was the wife. It really hurt that everyone else including a good friend had known. I felt so stupid. Tell her as she deserves to know the truth and then she can make up her mind as to what to do.

So by way of update I am 99% sure they spent the afternoon/evening of yesterday having some kind bonkfest in a hotel (was fed a story about what she doing yesterday involving seeing friends and as usual it seemed sus and kids didn't get a video call last night) then found a poorly hidden box in the bin for some "aids" to make the afternoon more exciting I'm sure. So not only was I lied to before but they are clearly still seeing each other in the same seedy way as before - im assuming yesterday was in lieu of valentine's day

Morally I want to tell her and her family but my own situation is all over the place and my kids are my priority as harsh as it seems and getting us moved on - all think is a total shitstorm

Shouting at you and harassing you everytime he saw you is very different to what the OP is suggesting doing. That's not just telling the wife.

I do agree that your husband still holds some responsibility for making your life hell, he had the affair and bought this angry man into your life, you were obviously caught in the crossfire of this man's anger towards to husband. If you piss off angry men unfortunately your family will be collateral damage. But you also have every right to hate the OWs husband.

And that's only right @Noideawhat2do.
I am one saying that the wife should know but it's only one thing amongst others. What is important is that you look after yourself and your DCs, that's the priority.
Everything will fall into place in its own time, don't worry.

I don't think you should feel under any pressure to tell the wife unless you feel that you're ready and able to do so. Your priority needs to be yourself and your kids.

You may feel empathy for the wife, of course, but ultimately, it is her husband that has a duty towards her - he is the one that made the vows to her, not you.

What I would say, though, is that you should definitely plant the fear in her fuckwit husband's mind that you're going to tell her and that you're simply biding your time. Thanking you for not having told her yet is beyond crass. Let him sweat.

Tell his wife. She should know. For her health especially.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this - and I admire your stoicism. I hope you have some support around you.

I can understand your reluctance to say anything, however as it is clearly still ongoing she has a right to know, for two reasons:
1.in case he’s about to leave her she can get herself prepared so he doesn’t blindside her. With a young baby she’s potentially very vulnerable, both in terms of mental health and practically in terms of living situation etc.
2.the risk to her health is clearly ongoing

But only if there’s no risk to you or your children.

However, if you feel you can’t because you don’t have the bandwidth right now - I would absolutely have to make her husband sweat, particularly as you know it’s ongoing. I couldn’t have him ‘thanking me’ - it just makes you completely complicit.

If I was the wife I would want to know. I'd hate this going on behind my back.

I note their fear of work of work finding out. That's where I'd be focussing my attention- yes there's an argument they might loose their jobs and you / the OM's wife are worse off financially. But if work find out, it's likely to get back to her and you won't be the messenger.
Or at the very least I'd make him sweat that it's a matter of when not if you're telling their employer. I couldn't countenance their smugness and my complicity in it by not saying anything.