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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not report my mum to SS?

149 replies

Servesitright · 14/02/2025 19:10

My mum is to put it kindly eccentric.

She had me when she was very young and at the time I thought my childhood was fun and she was the coolest but realise there was no stability and I was the parent most of the time.

I moved in with a relative at 11 to go to school, mum then got pregnant with my sister, she seemed to settle a bit, I believe there was some early social service involvement but that she complied and it was dropped.

I’ve had to step up and look after sis often to avoid her being dragged around with mum and to deal with mum so she doesn’t have to.

My sister is now 12. There was an incident last week where I had to drive to pick up sis in the middle of the night as she was home alone and then go and sort mum the next day. Sis upset by this incident.

Sis is welcome to be with me full time but she obviously also loves and wants to be with her mum when she can.
Her physical needs are met with mum and she is loved there. Drug and alcohol are not the issue.

Friends have strongly suggested I contact social services, I don’t see how this could help either of them and think it will be causing more upheaval and trauma to them both and think I should just carry on supporting.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 14/02/2025 19:13

Why was your 12yo sister at home on her own

Poppyseeds79 · 14/02/2025 19:16

Your mum must be around 40 now OP? I'd sit her down and explain to her she needs to grow the fuck up!

LadyKenya · 14/02/2025 19:17

Why do your friends think that would be the best course of action? And what happened for her to be alone that night?

Snorlaxo · 14/02/2025 19:19

Does your mum have a partner who is encouraging her problematic behaviour ?

Original poster
Servesitright · 14/02/2025 19:20

I don’t know the full details, mum says she was coming back but got delayed. I was left alone over night younger than that believe her assumption would have be that she’d be alright if she didn’t make it back.
She has this promised won’t happen again and will contact me first if she isn’t going to be home

OP posts:
Favouritefruits · 14/02/2025 19:20

SS can offer practical support and help, they much prefer to do this than take children away! Your mum needs help and SS can offer support, it’s a no brainier to me!

steff13 · 14/02/2025 19:21

Well, I assume that your friends know what the "incident" was, so I am going to say that if they think you should report it you should probably report it.

CableCar · 14/02/2025 19:22

What did you have to do to "sort mum" ? Why was your mum not there?

It sounds like there is a cause for concern, given your 12 year old sister was home alone. I'd inform your sister's school if you can, or report to local social services MASH online.

purplecorkheart · 14/02/2025 19:23

Coming back from what?

TheOriginalEmu · 14/02/2025 19:23

I think it depends on how you feel about cntinuing to support them. If you’re happy and it’s not putting undue stress on your life that’s fine, but if it’s causing you distress and stress and it’s too much, you wouldn’t be wrong to speak to SS. How do YOU feel.

Original poster
Servesitright · 14/02/2025 19:23

She didn’t get any support last time, just forced tick certain boxes and threats of her being taken away.

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 14/02/2025 19:23

steff13 · 14/02/2025 19:21

Well, I assume that your friends know what the "incident" was, so I am going to say that if they think you should report it you should probably report it.

Well her friends don't know, even the OP does not.

Snorlaxo · 14/02/2025 19:24

How far away was she ? Was she ignoring her DD’s calls?

If she doesn’t drink or do drugs and it wouldn’t have been traffic at that time of night, she is super irresponsible.

did you sister know where she was and what time she was due home ? This kind of thing is not acceptable if she’d been at A&E or had an accident or something.

steff13 · 14/02/2025 19:24

LadyKenya · 14/02/2025 19:23

Well her friends don't know, even the OP does not.

Show quote history

Well, that information wasn't in the post when I posted mine. As you can see they're only one minute apart.

But she did say that she had to go the next day and sort out her mother?

AffIt · 14/02/2025 19:27

Do you want to be a parent to a young teenager when you yourself are in your mid-20s, OP, because that's what you'll become?

Your mother's behaviour might be 'fun' and 'eccentric' now, but it's not that of a parent, because parents don't leave 12-year-olds at home by themselves without a back-up plan.

You're clearly highly competent and resilient (probably because you had to develop those skills at a young age), but don't project that onto your sister: get her and your mother some help, because they both need it.

Original poster
Servesitright · 14/02/2025 19:28

By sort out, I really just meant talk. She was upset, I assume that she was anyway but more so that I was annoyed and dd was upset and had been picked up by me so had gone and stayed with a friend

OP posts:
CableCar · 14/02/2025 19:28

Servesitright · 14/02/2025 19:20

I don’t know the full details, mum says she was coming back but got delayed. I was left alone over night younger than that believe her assumption would have be that she’d be alright if she didn’t make it back.
She has this promised won’t happen again and will contact me first if she isn’t going to be home

I'd still tell the school. Tell them what happened and let them decide if their safeguarding records meet any threshold for alerting SS.

Original poster
Servesitright · 14/02/2025 19:30

I am happy supporting my sister and my mum although I probably mostly do that for my sister.

The problem is I can’t do it all of the time because neither of them let me, I don’t know everything that goes on when I’m not there unless one of them contacts me with a problem

OP posts:
MumonabikeE5 · 14/02/2025 19:31

is your ma able to hold things together during the week, but makes poor decisions at weekends?
ie would it be better if your sister lived with your ma Monday-Thursday and spent weekends with you?
or is she even more erratic than that.

was your sister left all evening rather than your ma headed out at 10.30pm for the later evening. If she has been alone from 5pm - 10pm at 12 years old she probably felt lonely, and not cared for even if your mum had got home by bed time. She shouldn’t need to spend evenings alone at all.

is you Ma able to give your sister routine domestic activities? Is she able to get her to Guides or Dance or Football or whatever lessons every week? Is she able to support her with homework? Is she able to talk to her about her body, about puberty, about relationships?

you have obviously managed to raise yourself and have found calm and routine for yourself, well done .
and it’s good that you are able to extend support to your sister, and have compassion for your ma.

i don’t think you need to get social workers involved if you are willing to provide substantial support and you mother and sister agree that you will provide it .

if either of them disagrees then maybe your friend is right, social workers might need to be involved.

Glorybox2025 · 14/02/2025 19:32

I'm not sure what social services would do in the circumstances as you haven't really explained what your mum's issues are (you don't need to) but honestly for a 12 year old with good family support and no issues in the home around drugs/alcohol it's not likely to ping their radars. Is it more a case of your mum is an eccentric and somewhat neglectful parent who doesn't see an issue with the way she raised/raises either of you? Because if so social services can't really do much. You're entitled to be an eccentric parent and if your sister has a good safety plan in place already (calling you) then that's likely all they would suggest.

CaptainFuture · 14/02/2025 19:34

Servesitright · 14/02/2025 19:28

By sort out, I really just meant talk. She was upset, I assume that she was anyway but more so that I was annoyed and dd was upset and had been picked up by me so had gone and stayed with a friend

Why was your mum upset? That her lax parenting had been noticed? Was she more upset for herself, than doing anything to comfort her young child?

Poppyseeds79 · 14/02/2025 19:38

The thing is OP - you say you moved in with a relative at 11. So I presume you got structure, boundaries, emotional, and mental support there?

Your Dsis may no doubt be loved and her physical needs met. But whose going to put that in place for her? If your mum is airy fairy and not on the ball. Then it could lead to Dsis making crap teenage choices, being more vulnerable than her peers, and open to a whole host of bad stuff potentially occuring.

Original poster
Servesitright · 14/02/2025 19:41

It wasn’t a one of incident, she regularly disappears to travel around the country at short notice to do something like get a tattoo, meet a fortune teller, pick up a chair.. she doesn’t necessarily tell the truth or at least changes her mind and does something else instead.

Normally if she wasn’t going to be back by evening she would at least contact me or sis who could contact me. This time she didn’t tell anyone and she didn’t have a real reason for why she was gone.

OP posts:
ChoppedChorizo · 14/02/2025 19:41

In isolation I doubt social services would do anything. Might be worth keeping a closer eye on your sister and being a support.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 14/02/2025 19:44

Hmm

Edit: I'm on the side of not calling ss and not on the fence.

Is your mum cruel? She's not an alcoholic/drug user, is your sister starving? Or dirty?

People judge women very harshly imo. My dm had big mh problems but the thought of someone taking us into care was imo a horrible one. She was very depressed but tried her best. Although we're estranged now due to her treatment of me as I got older, I still stand by that.

If you can be there to support your sister for the next 4 years, and her and your mum have a support system, I wouldn't report her.

No mum is perfect. I'd maybe say - it's time to get your mh in order now, otherwise you won't be standing up for her anymore

❤️

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