To not report my mum to SS?

[Servesitright]

My mum is to put it kindly eccentric.

She had me when she was very young and at the time I thought my childhood was fun and she was the coolest but realise there was no stability and I was the parent most of the time.

I moved in with a relative at 11 to go to school, mum then got pregnant with my sister, she seemed to settle a bit, I believe there was some early social service involvement but that she complied and it was dropped.

I’ve had to step up and look after sis often to avoid her being dragged around with mum and to deal with mum so she doesn’t have to.

My sister is now 12. There was an incident last week where I had to drive to pick up sis in the middle of the night as she was home alone and then go and sort mum the next day. Sis upset by this incident.

Sis is welcome to be with me full time but she obviously also loves and wants to be with her mum when she can.
Her physical needs are met with mum and she is loved there. Drug and alcohol are not the issue.

Friends have strongly suggested I contact social services, I don’t see how this could help either of them and think it will be causing more upheaval and trauma to them both and think I should just carry on supporting.

AIBU?

There is no dad, mum was living abroad when she got pregnant and moved home to give birth.
she apparently does know who he is, I don’t knod if he knows.
sis did have a ‘stepdad’ for several years who she still has some contact with (mainly just over the phone) but I wouldn’t trust him to actually help

Mine divorced before I was even born so by default I ended up with mum. The truth of events was hidden from my dad but as soon as he found out things changed very quickly and I went to live with him via courts ect it was one big mess after another to be honest! My mum told me she knows how to play them and when I tell them this they ignore me and say shes doing well when she is clearly not its laughable, if I didn't laugh I'd cry! X

Social Services are stretched and could easily do more harm than good. If you can continue to support, that is probably the best you can do.

Hardly in the middle of the night !

Oh that was tough..
And yes!! Always the same here . Always say she's doing fine.. you start to give up saying as no one listens :( and yet am always right re when she's ill..as are you no doubt x

Its a risk... could be box ticking, could be a route to getting the needed support, or it could be a social worker detemined to make life hard.
But the support isn't going to come without it.

Don't report her. We naively contacted SS in a similar situation for 'support' and all we got was years of trouble and grief. It took all our mental resources and stamina to get them out of our lives again.

Sorry if you the social worker and competent. But in my experience some social workers are not competent.

@Pingu32

I was babysitting other kids at that age including newborns at night. They'll be fine.

@Bloom15

Yea obviously that's not good but the actual being at home part is fine. She's not going to set herself on fire or anything. Just a lot of people clutching their pearls on here about a 12 yr old being alone ever.

I'd have a serious talk with your Dsis and let her know you're there for her no matter what.

What you don't want is your Dsis feeling like you left her to suffer even though you knew what your DM is like.

She'll have loyalty to your DM as there's possibly guilt of leaving her alone.

Let her understand that her being with you won't mean you abandoning your DM, or that she'sletting her down.

Social Services can be great but like others have said, if you're unlucky and get an incompetent case handler, they'll cause more chaos than help.

Sorry for what you had to go through and having to watch your Dsis go through it too.

Hopefully the abusive relative isn't on your sister's life.

100% its totally shocking and unless you've lived it people dont understand. I only hope that if this is the case for Op's DS is in this sort of situation that the right help and support can be put in place ASAP x

There’s no official age at which a child can be left alone in the UK. But unless there are special needs involved 12 wouldn’t be a cause for concern.

The age of criminal responsibility is 10 in most of the UK (12 in Scotland). If you can be held responsible for commuting a crime you can be deemed responsible enough to brush your teeth and go to bed.

OP, I’m not entirely sure what your concern is but I’m gathering that maybe you are concerned that your mum is chaotic and unreliable. This doesn’t have to be something you ‘report’ like a crime. You could approach social services about formalising some extra support for your family. But this would work best if your mum was on board with it.

Are you the mum, Huckleberry, because this is pretty much textbook neglectful parenting. No-one is clutching their pearls, most people have said that the child isn't being adequately cared for. I understand the OP's reluctance to contact social services, because if you're brought up in a family where the perception of SS is that the're going to come and "take you away", then there's an obvious reluctance to ask for their assistance.

Could the OP have one last come-to-Jesus meeting with mum, and if mum doesn't sort herself out a bit, then ask SS or the NSPCC for advice? Child protection isn't just about looking after big-eyed grubby toddlers, its about ensuring the best outcomes for ALL children, even the ones who think they don't need to be protected.

What sort of girl is your 12 year old sister? I would think that at 12 she could be at home by herself for a while? If your mother is providing her physical needs, she obviously is not away all the time?

If you ask other mothers, you will probably find that all their daughters have times when they consider themselves equal to be ''mothers'' and take over the role. It is part of growing up, and wise mothers tolerate it while not letting it go too far.

New mothers are always being given advice by grandmothers. The wise new mother gives thanks, then goes away and does what she thinks best. Perhaps your mother tolerated your advice, but didn't take all the much notice, even if you think she did.

The way i see it is this... you know the childhood you had and the knowing that your upbringing wasnt quite acceptable. When drink and drug issues are ongoing the persons perception of risk, danger and standard of welfare drops dramatically. This is further fuelled by the persons social circle too as the likelihood of similar parents openly being neglectful or abusive intentionally or not. As you appear to have turned out "ok" she will tell herself she knows even more as a parent now and the risks in the past havent caused serious issues so she WILL do it again or worse. Do what you will with this perspective but i know what id do.

@PonyPatter44

I was babysitting by 12/13. Are you serious, a 12 year old being left alone is neglect? That's ridiculous.

@PonyPatter44

Even NSPCC says it's ok for a 12 yr old to be alone

12yo is not a helpless baby.

On the other hand SS were implicated in the grooming gangs atrocities so I wouldn't assume a child was safer with them.

I understand that a social worker went to the wedding of one 15yo in their care. It's unclear if she was given away or sold.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-48106927

How hours was your dsis left alone for between?
I ask because I reported a, scared 9 yo left alone between 8pm and 12.30am while his mum was out on the lash, and according to ss this didn't meet any threshold

Think that this could have been way more serious this time - and what about next time? You are not always going to be available to pick up the pieces - what if you are working away or on holiday? Or someone predatory gets to know that this is the way things are and takes advantage? Your sister needs to grow up supported and protected - you have managed to come through your mothers careless parenting but your sister may not be so lucky. The other problem right now is that the cat is out of the bag in that a number of people now know and someone else may choose to report. Yes, report to SS and keep your sister safe. There will be a way forward for you all.

You need to contact children’s social services.

Your sister is vulnerable due to her age. Your mother might be meeting some/most of her needs, some/most of the time, but the issue is the times she is not meeting her needs and the risks that your sister is exposed to when that happens

Your ability to protect your sister is limited by your knowledge of the problems (they are not always open and honest, so you don’t always know they need help), their acceptance of your support and your own circumstances (what happens on a day when you are not immediately available?).

I understand why you would not want to report, but you’ll be putting your sister’s needs for safety and protection first by doing so.

I’ve sat down with mum and sister separately and discussed the things that can and can’t happen, everyone seems to be on board

I really don’t want to have to report her but I will if there isn’t any change.

Not left alone continually and overnight. The kid doesn't know where her mum has gone or when she'll be back. We're not talking about mum popping to Tesco, or the kid being alone for a couple of hours after school before mum gets back from work.

The OP experienced this neglect as a child - she's now concerned for her sister experiencing the same thing. Her feelings are totally valid.