To not report my mum to SS?

[Servesitright]

My mum is to put it kindly eccentric.

She had me when she was very young and at the time I thought my childhood was fun and she was the coolest but realise there was no stability and I was the parent most of the time.

I moved in with a relative at 11 to go to school, mum then got pregnant with my sister, she seemed to settle a bit, I believe there was some early social service involvement but that she complied and it was dropped.

I’ve had to step up and look after sis often to avoid her being dragged around with mum and to deal with mum so she doesn’t have to.

My sister is now 12. There was an incident last week where I had to drive to pick up sis in the middle of the night as she was home alone and then go and sort mum the next day. Sis upset by this incident.

Sis is welcome to be with me full time but she obviously also loves and wants to be with her mum when she can.
Her physical needs are met with mum and she is loved there. Drug and alcohol are not the issue.

Friends have strongly suggested I contact social services, I don’t see how this could help either of them and think it will be causing more upheaval and trauma to them both and think I should just carry on supporting.

AIBU?

I don’t know what the issue is, she’s just lives unusually. She had a much worse childhood, and has gone through and witnessed some terrible things but has always just dealt with it by been overly positive.

You say your sister's physical needs are met and that she is loved - apart from this recent incident being left alone, what actually are your concerns? Is your sister fed decent meals, her washing done, is she provided with all the toiletries/deodorant/sanitary protection she needs? Does your mum make sure she's done her homework/go to parents evening/provide what she needs for school (P.E. kit/cooking ingredients/stationery supplies/books etc) Does your mum take her to the doctor/dentist/optician etc when needed?

If your mum is doing the majority of those things, she is probably a 'good enough' mum rather than a great one. If she's not on top of a lot of those things, I would think about speaking to SS about your concerns.

Your family member saved you from this at 11.

Your 12yr old sister shouldn’t be put in this situation. If you’re gonna step up full time, do it. Otherwise SS should be involved.

An odd evening turns into a weekend. Into a week. None of her needs are being met.

You and your sister deserve better.

I moved in with a relative at 11 to go to school

And you're happy to deny your sister the safety, security and support you got at that age? You're happy for that little girl to be sat at home alone wondering when or if your mother is coming back? You're happy for her to be upset, anxious and fearful in her home, the place that she should feel safest in the world?

It's only sheer dumb luck that nothing has happened to your sister yet, do the right thing and report. It's not good enough to turn a blind eye until your little sister is injured or victimized by some bloke that knows she home alone and vulnerable. All this because your mother takes a flight of fancy for tattoos, fortune tellers or cheap furniture, I don't for one minute believe she's sober or on her own when she takes off, she's putting something or someone before her kids again and again.

I really feel like you can't just do that when you're responsible for a child.

People judge women very harshly imo
I'm sure most people will judge a parent, male or female who swans off abandoning their 12 yo alone over night at home!
Can she handle other responsibilities? Does she work?

I don't really understand what your mum is doing wrong . For ss to be considered. What is an incident that could be anything. Your mum went for a tattoo, chair fortune teller . How is that a problem?

How long and when has your sister been left alone . I could not do it myself but 12 year olds are often left for a little while after school for example because they get home an hour before mum/dad do from work .

Sorry i think my post sounds a bit blunt . It does not mean to though. I'm just trying to understand.

Your poor sister, she deserves more stability than this. Why do you think she doesnt deserve this, considering you were provided it from age 11?

You call it 'unusual'.
Other people would call it neglectful.

It’s not actually relevant but although I got to attend school and have a more normal life at 11, family member was actively abusive and I have no contact with them now. So I’m very aware that it could be worse.

This really looks like neglect, simple as that. Any reason why you're tolerating this? You yourself had to be saved by someone else. How are they supposed to help your mother? Talk sense into her? Give her counselling, as in, oh, you know that you're not supposed to do this, that's bad!, like you're talking to a new immature mother? It looks like she's regularly abandoning her 12y old child. Are you now enabling your mother or do you worry just a bit about your little sister?

Does your sister not attend school?

I would be reporting it if it isn't deemed a risk they won't get involved

Op, SS will consider you a safeguard for your ds and that is possibly going to reduce their contact.

if family can keep a child safe then SS don’t need to step in.

i suggest keep the communication open, remind both that ds can be with you.
if you can’t be there for ds (no judgement), then let SS and school know so that another adult can be considered to safeguard ds. That family, friends or SS.

sorry it’s so tough for you all, is there another adult who could help?

12 yrs old is just fine to be home alone for a while.

OP, if you had a similar experience growing up, it may be very hard for you to assess what is normal or not. It's easy to under-react.

If your sister was left alone overnight at 12 and was scared, then her needs aren't being met. That is neglect. It's reminded me of those poor little boys who died in a fire when their DM left them to go shopping.

I would speak to the school safeguarding lead and get them to refer to social services. And then hope SS either get your DM some more support or treatment, or perhaps look to you being a kinship carer.

Where is her DDad?

I'm a social worker. What you describe seems to be a pattern of behaviour by your mum in which she is erratic in her behaviour, going off and leaving your sister for prolonged periods, with your sister not knowing what is happening, when she will be back or even if her mum is ok. This must be extremely stressful for your sister even if she is 'used to it', as evidences by how upset she was and that you had to go and comfort and be with her.
While she may have her emotional and physical needs met at other times by your mum, this pattern could be seen as neglectful and emotionally abusive. It's damaging for your sister emotionally and could have long lasting effects.
If your mum is not prepared to change her ways you have to let someone know about this. Speak to your sisters school or contact children's services. It's likely that a single assessment would be done and services offered such as family support and early help, to assist your mum with changing this pattern and make sure your sister feels safe and cared for.
Children's services are highly unlikely to want to remove your sister - and could only do so via a court order anyway, and it would be expected by the court that things would have been tried by children's services first to improve the situation.
However if your mum was to leave your sister overnight and something happen, and the police get called eg by a neighbour, then your sister could be removed immediately by the police and social care to ensure her safety. It's worth doing something now, getting help now, to avoid a situation like that happening.
While I applaud your commitment and care for your sister, by not seeking help and stepping in when she is left, you may be maintaining the situation as your mum may come to expect that and continue her behaviour.

Also I have offered to have sis more regularly but she doesn’t want to as she also wants to be with mum when she can

I get called when mums struggling or somethings gone wrong, I don’t know fully what happens when I’m not there. I’m not the only person who helps, there are over friends who look after her occasionally as well.

She has managed to keep sis in school which is good as she refused to have me in school as a child and obviously they haven’t had any major concerns.

Whats the food situation like? Is your mum able to provide regular meals and food in the cupboards for when she leaves suddenly?
Is there a plan for your sister to get food?

Your mother sounds incredibly irresponsible and totally unsuited to being in charge of a child. Quite simply, being a mum means putting your children's needs front and centre and she is not doing that and from what you say, has never done that. Immature and neglectful, fucking off to get a tattoo or pick up a chair? WTF? Has nobody ever sat her down and asked exactly what she thinks she's playing at?

Your sister may appear ok in school, and school may be unaware of the issues at home, that might be why school has not raised any concerns, they may be very concerned if they knew

not being rude, but is your mum into prostitution if it is not drugs and alcohol? What a woman does over night all that time

@Servesitright You were left overnight when you were YOUNGER than 12? Wow

Why wouldn't she let you remain in school?

Daffy manic pixie dreamgirls with "eccentric" lives who take off on a whim do not make stable parents. You had to experience that and now your younger sister is going through it. 12 year olds should not be phoning siblings because Mum hasn't come home.

I am sorry because this isn't your doing but you know it's not OK, especially as you went elsewhere at 11. Not sure of the answer, may not meet social services threshold so all I can really suggest is having a support structure in place if you can get one together, friends, neighbours.