To not report my mum to SS?

[Servesitright]

My mum is to put it kindly eccentric.

She had me when she was very young and at the time I thought my childhood was fun and she was the coolest but realise there was no stability and I was the parent most of the time.

I moved in with a relative at 11 to go to school, mum then got pregnant with my sister, she seemed to settle a bit, I believe there was some early social service involvement but that she complied and it was dropped.

I’ve had to step up and look after sis often to avoid her being dragged around with mum and to deal with mum so she doesn’t have to.

My sister is now 12. There was an incident last week where I had to drive to pick up sis in the middle of the night as she was home alone and then go and sort mum the next day. Sis upset by this incident.

Sis is welcome to be with me full time but she obviously also loves and wants to be with her mum when she can.
Her physical needs are met with mum and she is loved there. Drug and alcohol are not the issue.

Friends have strongly suggested I contact social services, I don’t see how this could help either of them and think it will be causing more upheaval and trauma to them both and think I should just carry on supporting.

AIBU?

At the very least I would be telling school, but your sister is being neglected so I would report to SS. If this was a child down your street what would you do?

I know of an instance where a 10yo was left at home alone at night whilst mum went off with her druggie friends. Unfortunately she died under the influence. How frightening for that child to wake up alone and then find out her mum had died

So it sounds like there is some serious intergenerational trauma going on.
I don’t mean to sound blunt Op but your DM is not eccentric it sounds like she has some mental health issues. It’s not normal to leave your child to do any of the things you’ve mentioned and it is complete neglect.
Your DS doesn’t want to leave her Mum because she loves her and has most likely been parentified just you were. Theres also an element of fear if she leaves she will lose her Mother. Since she’s also a victim of abuse and neglect and she doesn’t know any different.
SS won’t take your DS away as it quite hard to find a foster carer for a pre teen, unless there’s more going on than even you know, but they could some support to your DM, yourself and your DS.
You could help break that trauma by saying something.
Don’t let the guilt get to you either, you would be doing the right thing to protect everyone involved.

Mum is generally opposed to getting professional help, potentially some medical trauma. She claims to have therapy/ counselling but I don’t believe this was with licensed professionals. I do believe however if sis was ill, she would get her medical help.

Reporting my mum would be seen as a big betrayal by her (and sis) and I think would make them both very upset and angry. My fear is that I could ruin the relationship I have with them both and not be able to give the support I’m currently giving and that the intervention could make my mums struggle more and things worse for them both.

I agree it’s not good and things need to improve. I think a good first step would be for us to sit down together us and help make a better plan. Potentially find another family/friend who could help with this

Agree that some sort of shared residency could be positive e.g. weekends and ad hoc weekdays with you. Being fully separated from your Mum may be more traumatic for your sis than the sub-par parenting. This is well known in social services.

How would your sister take to a agreement between the two of you that if your mum’s not home by a certain time (8pm? 9pm?) then she calls you and you’ll either go and sit up with her until mum is back or take her back to yours for the night?

Your sister's safety and happiness should not be sacrificed to protect your mother from spiraling. That is not her responsibility. Your mum is the adult here. Her refusal to engage with services or get help is her prerogative. But the outcome of that is that other people will need to step in to protect this child. No one has the right to inflict their mental illness on other people. And especially not on their children.

Why can your sister not live with someone else and go stay/visit her mum instead when it is convenient for them both? Stability and routine are much better for your sister than leaving her in this situation just waiting for something else to go wrong before everyone desperately scrambles to do something. What a horrible way to live. Your sister will never feel safe.

I’m also wondering this @Verbena17.

Why does your Mum go off like this, OP, has she ever explained it? Does she literally forget that she has a child or tend to get fixated on things?

It’s very unusual for an adult to get distracted like this to get a tattoo, pick up a chair, etc.

And that's the problem
Hrft but you'll only find out when it's potentially too late..
Either DS comes to live with you, or it's a risk that something bad will happen if you don't report it to SS. Can you live with that?

You're not BU but if you don't tell SS and someone else does then SS may feel you haven't protected her and they may then take her from your mother but refuse to place her with you.

SS need to know you will keep them informed if any issues arise. If they find out you knew and let your sister remain neglected they are likely to feel you wouldn't tell them if there's any problem.

If you tell them but explain you're there to provide support and step in they're likely to either leave her with your mum or remove her but place her with you. Your mum will get much more contact if DSis is placed with you than if she's removed to long term foster care

So if you can & are willing to look after DSis full time then you definitely should tell SS. It's in everyone's interest including your DSis and your mother.

You've said she is loved and physical needs are met? What are you reporting her for then?!

Over night when she doesn't know when or if her mum will be back?! That is shocking

I was going to say the exact same thing. Also daughter of a mum with bipolar. When high/mania/manic she could seem eccentric or fun etc although to me it was scary (still is) as I knew she was v poorly at these times... even now 40 years later I can see the signs and siblings don't.
Often it's just a certain laugh she does and I know...or it's the comments she makes about people/to people :(
She def needs to.try and get help...altho when in a state of mania she'll be feeling amazing and prob won't want the help
Does she have lows?

I think, in your case, children's services is a can of worms not worth opening. Things are 'good enough' at home with you helping in the background.

I wouldn't have been happy as a 12 year old to be collected in the evening and taken somewhere else to sleep just because a grown up hadn't come home. It would have felt like punishment for someone else's behaviour. It's worth considering if you can go and stay with her rather than bringing her to your house if this kind of thing keeps happening. Or, as she gets older working out ways of staying in touch by text / phone call / video call through the evening.

When I was 12 my sister was 3 and we weren't left alone together overnight. But for a sensible 12 year old I'm not sure that being alone overnight is the end of the world. It's not great but presumably home is safe, warm, contains food etc. She's old enough to be taught how to close the house down for the night, to get up, dressed, make breakfast and go to school. You could supervise at least some of this by video call. Biggest problem might be making sure she's awake for school.

She sounds like the mum in Jacqueline Wilson's The Illustrated Mum, so I'm also going to say bipolar.

Totally agree with all you've said there! I posted yesterday myself and queried if there was some bipolar going on as I'm also the daughter of a mother with it. I sympathise as me and my sister see the spiral coming before everyone else too but by the time people listen its too late / services are stretched and recovery takes a long time. Its really difficult to deal with as a child when it stops being 'abit of fun and games' and the reality of what it really is hits home. I'm in my 30s and won't allow my kids near when my mums unwell as I had so much trauma growing up through various things but her illness being one and me being her carer at a young age. It sounds to me like the ops sister is possibly in the role of a young carer too. I always wondered why people waited so long to get me out of the environment I was in but things were different back then and there really wasn't a multi agency approach at all so the left didn't tell the right what they knew. Sorry for prattling on x

This is a great idea

I totally get what you're saying. Def not prattling on. I am same as you and when see if happening try to keep my child away.. altho now older they also notice! As it can be v hurtful when they are unwell as well. Mum can shut me/child out as knows we know...but will be overly friendly to everyone else/neighbours/family etc.
I was 12 when she was first in hospital with it and over the years siblings moved away and I so I have been 'carer' for years. A lot of time can be fine but when ill it's for me to deal with etc.
I think prob why people didn't get you out of situation sooner is that i find a lot of people either don't see it or they ignore it as that's easier for them :(
I'm in my 50s now but always found i related to Abby in ER many years ago..youll be too young to remember er..as her mum was bipolar..fun to others..scary for her x

Also had a lot of trauma as the lows obv can lead to terrible times etc:( so hard for all around them.
Will def be scary for OP sister..and OP :(x

Yes, this. That poor kid.

I litterally could of written this myself! I'm pretty much back to main carer role and it sucks to be quite honest. My dad died a couple of years back and I feel 'parentless'. The first episode of my mother's I can remember crazily enough I was aprox 18 months to 2 years old!! I discussed it with those present at the time / those sent to look after me and they all confirmed it. My mother was ill way before I arrived so it's all I've ever known. It gets tiring and as they get older the episodes become less frequent but the recovery isn't how it used to be. If im honest I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I remember watching eastenders and staceys mum arriving i litterally turned the tv off as I was like damm I lived that long enough 🤣 x

Agree, it's so upsetting to see all the posters giving advice to sticking plaster/hide the dms behaviour and lax parenting. No thought for the child, just how to make it best for the mum.

Yes looking back mum was prob not well from way before she first went to hospital.
My dad moved abroad when I was in my 20s (they'd divorced 10 or sp years before). So like you left on own to care. It's exhausting and not many people understand...yes same with Stacey!!
Yes mum can go longer in between episodes but they seem to last longer now...and she doesn't see anyone mental health wise these days as obvs she knows best and thinks all a waste of time..x

Where was sisters dad in all of this?

Sorry but I don't think a family chat is suddenly going to change your dm behaviour and lack of sense of accountability towards your sister's, and in turn your, wellbeing. That will only come with external intervention and support including some family counselling. She failed one child and is in danger of doing so again

You are in a tough position. You also sound like a marvellous daughter and sister.
But, you too need some support. Have you been in touch with Young Carers, try either your local Parents Advice Centre or the Carers Centre? They will offer you guidance, advice and hopefully you will get tips from others in similar complex situations.

I wish you the best. Make sure you get an advocate before you contact SS, and be aware of your and your sister's rights.

Remember, SS is overrun with work, do not expect miracles.

Also, maybe have a family meeting with your advocate in attendance, to come up with a couple of plans to support you two.