To not report my mum to SS?

[Servesitright]

My mum is to put it kindly eccentric.

She had me when she was very young and at the time I thought my childhood was fun and she was the coolest but realise there was no stability and I was the parent most of the time.

I moved in with a relative at 11 to go to school, mum then got pregnant with my sister, she seemed to settle a bit, I believe there was some early social service involvement but that she complied and it was dropped.

I’ve had to step up and look after sis often to avoid her being dragged around with mum and to deal with mum so she doesn’t have to.

My sister is now 12. There was an incident last week where I had to drive to pick up sis in the middle of the night as she was home alone and then go and sort mum the next day. Sis upset by this incident.

Sis is welcome to be with me full time but she obviously also loves and wants to be with her mum when she can.
Her physical needs are met with mum and she is loved there. Drug and alcohol are not the issue.

Friends have strongly suggested I contact social services, I don’t see how this could help either of them and think it will be causing more upheaval and trauma to them both and think I should just carry on supporting.

AIBU?

Sorry to hear that OP but bit of a whacking drip feed there. I'm also assuming you didn't feel able to tell your mum about this? What on earth would make you feel if something similar happens to Dsis that she'd be able to speak up?

I'm presuming you feel she could do to you? But as there seems to be massive generational instances of abuse going on. Then it's not out of the realms of possibility to think a 12yr old who isn't being suitably taken care of won't also end up in that position too.

Do you know this for a fact? This doesn't sound at all like social work practice

Nobody has mentioned it yet and instead multiple posters mentioned that it’s possible neglect, but I’m wondering if your mum is possibly a vulnerable adult herself? Perhaps with some type of neurodiversity?

To me, whilst her actions could be seen as wilfully neglectful, they could also be the result of someone who doesn’t understand social norms and expectations and therefore perhaps cannot see that there is anything wrong with how they parent.

You say you only get called in when things go wrong, so I wonder if it might be worth suggesting your sister comes and stays with you on a more regular basis, like once a fortnight, so you have a more consistent sense of what's going on at home. Or arrange to have a meal with them both on a regular basis, like Sunday lunch, or going for pizza on Saturdays.

Sounds like they could both use a little more order in their lives.

Does your mum have any mental health conditions? It very impulsive and strange to up and head off down the country for a tattoo. She's of an age where it's not unreasonable to expect that she makes responsible decisions for her child.

I have a relative who would make similar impulsive decisions as part of her mental health condition.

Your sister wants to be with mum because she loves her and hopes it will change.

Mum hasn’t changed though she wasn’t a proper parent to you, now she’s not a proper parent to your sister.

She needs help and support proper help and support. Not just another child neglected because she either cant because of her own issues or just won’t be a proper good parent.

From what I can interpret op, you’re in your 20s…which is still quite young irt to understanding and processing a traumatic childhood (speaking from my own experience).

I’d wager that you’re not in the best position to make a decision about your sister as you’re very close to the situation and not that much older than her yourself.

You obviously care a great deal and sound like you’ve done your very best… but if I were to put myself in this situation and thought about what I would have done in my 20s vs what I’d do now I’m nearly 40 and a parent, my answers are v different.

My grown up self that’s been in years of therapy dealing with my abusive and neglectful childhood, and is also a parent to a 9 year old, says that you need to report your mum. She’s in over her head and your sister isn’t safe. You weren’t safe either and I’m sorry the move that happened for you as 11 didn’t lead to a safer environment. But I think this situation needs attending to by SS and your sister most of all needs to you to stand up and advocate for her.

It’s obviously far from straightforward, but perhaps there is a way out of this that’s better than what’s happening now, or what could happen if left unchecked. Best of luck.

It sounds to me as if your mum has undiagnosed mental health issues or is neurodiverse. Sounds a lot like BPD from what you've described.

Has she had help with her mental health?

I don't know much about how SS operate but I think you need to think about contacting them to get support. I would be surprised if they would want to separate her from your DSis based on what you've written here but it could very easily escalate.

12 is FAR too young to be left alone overnight.

If your mum has had SS involvement before with threats of her daughter being taken away, why isn't being really careful not to demonstrate any neglectful behaviour like leaving her 12 year old on her own overnight? You being even younger than that when you were left alone doesn't make it right.

I agree with @IOYOYO

You’re still young and many of us don’t realise just how bad it was till we are much older and often with children of our own and having a partner with a normal childhood.

We all want the best of our parents and to think the best of them. It wasn’t that bad, they couldn’t help, life was hard, always a reason or rather excuse. But when that pattern continues it’s not just life, it’s choices being made and actions repeating themselves no lessons where learnt no help was looked for. It’s just a pattern that repeats. It ends up as generational neglect untill someone wakes up head not in the clouds of delusion and sees wait this isn’t right this isn’t normal this isn’t ok.

This.

My Mum was very similar. She had schizophrenia and had alcohol issues. She was sectioned a lot when I was little and I went to live with my Gran for a lot of the time.

A child of 12 will always love their parent, even if they are abusive or the shittest parent in the world. It’s what kids do.

I think more intervention is needed here. I can understand you being worried it will make things blow up but this is just not okay.

Not all night though with no prior warning. OP's mum sounds like a 'free spirit' who puts her own needs above those of her children.

Your sister isn't safe.

It wouldn't take the local perv long to work out, that a 12 year old child is alone, and that's one of many bad things.

A while? This idiot woman went off and didn't come back all night, left her 12 yo alone in the house, afraid, not answering her phone so the poor child didn't know whether she was dead in a ditch or or just shagging some random bloke a hundred miles away.

That's not 'just fine.' That's abuse and neglect. And she's not 'eccentric' she's selfish, thoughtless and irresponsible.

Regardless of the cause of the neglect, (ND, trauma, bipolar??) your DSis deserves to be cared for.

I would worry that what you are seeing is only the tip of the iceberg, and there are more problems that you aren't aware of.

I'd also be cautious that neglect of a younger siblings may be different to what you yourself experienced: people sometimes cope better as they get older, but things can sadly get worse.

I don’t have an answer to the SS question but just wanted to suggest you ensure you have supportive people around for you. The situation where you are being called on to help fix your mothers parenting failures with your sister would be stressful enough, but it must be really tough to have this to deal with after having had a chaotic and abusive childhood especially as you are still a young adult

I'm 47 this year. Your post resonates with me and my childhood experiences. My mum had bipolar, there were probably other undiagnosed things going on too. I would have done anything to keep being around her and I did.. but what I was subjected to as a kid was ultimately harmful for me and my siblings. The after effects are still reverberating. I'm OK...others not so much.

What I will say is it took me many years to work out what was 'normal' in the parent child relationship in terms of how we were cared for etc. I'm sorry to say I don't think you can have an objective view in this instance and should probably listen to your friends. 'The social' being involved in our care and the threat of their involvement (and they did get involved at points) was often talked about in a negative way. Perpetuated by Mum..Looking back it would have been OK I think..you never know. It couldn't have been worse though.

This is a very harsh message and in reality what do you think is actually going to happen if she refers her? The sister isn't going to get moved into a lovely home. She's going to stay living with her mum unless OP decides one day to have her move in with her.

From your post OP, it sounds like you might only be early twenties? And mum mid-late thirties?
While it’s brilliant you’re supporting your sister, will you always be able to do so? If you’re going to uni/off travelling/career etc? It’s worth thinking about the situation ‘when the wheels come off’ to decide what to do, rather than now when everything is manageable.

Not diagnosed with any mental health issues but she obviously does. Has always refused help and support.

She definitely has ptsd and certain triggers that cause her to break in to a completely different person.
Shes always S-harmed but does it in I guess less obvious and dangerous ways now

She’s very intelligent and good at pretending to be okay and normal.

Are there other adults that can step in and provide more support if you want to do it that way? Friends' families, neighbours? Your sister still needs support - mum gone randomly at night at 12 would be terrifying. I still remember having a panic attack at 13 when my mum left me babysitting my siblings to go out for a coffee and was gone for hours

If you went to SS they would do an assessment and draw up a care plan (under Child Protection or not depending on assessment). You would likely be a huge part of that plan if you are willing and able along with other supports. It might make your Ds less guilty about spending time in your care if it's stipulated in the plan 💐

Tbh given your childhood experiences I don't think you are ideally placed to make decisions on your sister's situation. Your perspective will be skewed and you naturally feel conflicted. Of course she loves dm, wants to stay as a unit, not rock the boat but fact is she is being neglected and abused. Your dm is chaotic and unreliable at best, with which your sister has already struggled for 12 years and undoubtedly been affected. She does not put the needs of her children above her own whims and wants. Please at least let school know about the safeguarding issues such as being left overnight not know if/when she may return.

This really resonated with me too, in so many ways and I've often wondered in later years if my mum was undiagnosed bipolar.

In the kindest possible way your mum
Needs help to deal with her past trauma because this level of instability is no way for a 12 year old to live so I agree with your friends.