To not report my mum to SS?

[Servesitright]

My mum is to put it kindly eccentric.

She had me when she was very young and at the time I thought my childhood was fun and she was the coolest but realise there was no stability and I was the parent most of the time.

I moved in with a relative at 11 to go to school, mum then got pregnant with my sister, she seemed to settle a bit, I believe there was some early social service involvement but that she complied and it was dropped.

I’ve had to step up and look after sis often to avoid her being dragged around with mum and to deal with mum so she doesn’t have to.

My sister is now 12. There was an incident last week where I had to drive to pick up sis in the middle of the night as she was home alone and then go and sort mum the next day. Sis upset by this incident.

Sis is welcome to be with me full time but she obviously also loves and wants to be with her mum when she can.
Her physical needs are met with mum and she is loved there. Drug and alcohol are not the issue.

Friends have strongly suggested I contact social services, I don’t see how this could help either of them and think it will be causing more upheaval and trauma to them both and think I should just carry on supporting.

AIBU?

Before you contact professionals, could you sit down with your mum, sister, other family members, is there a dad involved? And look at a proper safeguarding plan. Who can do what and when, can you have some clear rules/red lines. If you don't think that is achievable, I would suggest you make a referral to social care.

With such vague details I have to say social services probably won't take you seriously

12 is high school age aswell if your mum did go out & get caught up it's hardly illegal is it ?

This, one of the biggest issues I have with mn is the constant apologists for horrific neglectful and abusive behaviour just because the perpetrator is female, and as by many on this thread,.the sympathy only goes as far as them....

Yup. And she's not "eccentric ", she's bloody mental!

One of the main issues my Mum got “away” with her abusive treatment of me was because we were quite posh, living in a nice area of London, middle class, my Dad was a chief executive (but always working in Japan a lot of the time) and Mum was artsy, she wrote poetry, had things published and ran poetry festivals. People just aren’t prepared to see it.

the mother is either prostitute or totally bonkers ( mentally ill ) and needs to be taken care of and the neglect she causes.

you are right to be concerned and it great your sis has you as back up mum

SS Will not be overly concerned with a child who has physical needs met
is not abused or exposed to abusive person
and parent is not using abusing drink or drugs
12 is also considered “ok” to leave alone

i would definitely tell your sis school so they can monitor and be aware and do a referral if necessary then the heats off you if SE gets involved

This is not what the poster wants. She does not want other people to do a referral. She wants to either take care of the situation and keep quiet or just to tell them and to bear the consequences

Parentification is when the child has to act as the parent, and it can cause issues such as significant anxiety in adulthood. Will you least get your sister some support?

www.charliehealth.com/post/parentification-trauma-what-it-is-and-how-to-heal

If you do contact SS it might kick your DM into pulling her socks up, improve communication etc. I had an eccentric mother - the youngest I was left at home was 4 years old when she popped to the shop.

My concern would be that she doesn't have enough pull factors (your Dsis) to keep her at home and may fall prey to unsavoury characters which is a big worry.

Worse case scenario they would see it as neglect if it happens often. I think I would carry on supporting. But it shouldn’t have got so late that a 12 year old became worried.

Do you mean 'worst case scenario" that the mothers poor parenting is acknowledged?
Worst case scenario I'd think would be the 12 yo gets injured, or something else horrendous happens to her.

OP I’m sorry, Occam’s razor would suggest your mum isn’t eccentric. Eccentric is generally harmless - wears flowers in her hair to go down the Co-Op or naming her cats after the Fibonacci sequence. Not disappearing to the other end of the country for a tattoo. She’s either mentally unwell and/or there is substance abuse you’re unaware of.

When she’s disappeared, how long has she been gone for? When she returns does she actually acknowledge that she’s been gone for an extended period - you say she tends to have random excuses or maybe lies?

This doesn’t sound like a safe environment for your DSis.

I've left my kids at home alone from 12, but at that age it was daytime and they always knew:
Where I was
What time I'd be home
Who I was with
Who to contact in case of emergency.
What your mum is doing isn't fair.

Your sister is sitting in maths, possibly wondering whether her mum will be home that night ; whether she'll be having tea. Maths isn't really on her radar.
The kid next to her doesn't have to worry about any of that shit, so gets on with learning how to do maths.
And so on.

Yes, give 12 year olds freedom, but safely. This is just selfish.

OP, the impulses your mum have may be mania in a bipolar disorder. My mother was bipolar and did stuff like this. Your mum needs some help. If she has a MH problem, this obviously affected you and will affect your sister. I also will say that you are building your own life, and you need to be allowed to do that. If your mum gets some help, things might be better all the way around for you, and that means contacting social services or at least the GP.

My mother did this - only on a couple of occasions but she did do it. You simply can’t make these sort of choices when you are a parent. Life isn’t all about you and your needs anymore so it’s inexcusable. It’s one of the things I will never really understand about my mother. Once I had my own children it just seemed so selfish

Ss are there to support vulnerable children. If you think your sis is at risk it would benefit from support then yes contact them. Your mum may be sent on parenting classes

Op not to pry but do you think something like PTSD or even MH issues such as Bipolar could come into this? Is your mum like this ALL the time or does she do it in spells? I ask because although I wasn't left alone at night my mother was quite similar and it's cause was Bipolar. I like you thought it was all fun and games as a young child, until I realised it really wasn't fun but a bad situation. We were actually told it was a result of traumas growing up which caused the chemical imbalance within the brain.
I'd mabye see about getting your mum some help like go to the doctors with her or help her arrange some therapy for the trauma shes dealt with. If she tries to refuse I'd probably give the ultimatum of get help or your going to have to contact SS for help and support to be put in place. This is alot for you to take on alone OP and I hope you also have support for yourself x

Does your sister have a phone so.sge can contact you if age needs you? If not would you arrange this ASAP?

Sorry for the typos. I'm sure you get what I meant even so.

Not knowing if your parent is coming back?

Going to bed and not knowing?

Waking up alone?

That's fine is it?

The bottom line is, to do nothing is to continue to leave your sister in harms way. You can trundle on the way things are, not wanting to cause "trouble" for your mum, but you are doing them both, no favours. It's fine until one day, it isn't, and then you'll kick yourself for not raising the alarm when it's too late

Thing is, just because your sister wants to stay there, doesn't mean she should stay there

She's not old enough to make that call

So ss involvement or she lives with you and has stability. She can see your mum, even stay with her occasionally but she isn't safe right now

OP you sound incredibly together for the upbringing you've had, respect.

How would your mother respond to SS involvement? It sounds like she tries to keep up a facade, so might see SS interest as messing with carefully kept up appearances? In which case it could make her very angry.

In that case, I'd proceed very cautiously. If you can make your home your dsis's main residence, then that is probably the safest way forward. But I get the impression that that's not really on the cards.

I'm really unsure what to suggest. It's worrying that apparently your mum saw fit to be angry at you and/or her younger daughter because you'd picked her up when she was awol. That's so childish it makes me worry for your sister. And it sounds a bit like your mum is becoming more erratic. Not good either.

You say a previous attempt to involve SS was unproductive, box-ticking and threats to take dsis away. Is it possible to contact SS and present the situation without giving specifics, to find out what they propose to do about it? Do you know anybody who works in the sector?

Ultimately, it looks like whether or not to involve SS is only one of many determinations you have to make here. You've got to work out if anything more than the usual is going on with your mum, whether your sister would be willing to stay with you more, whether that is feasible for you, etc. Good luck with it all.

Also I have offered to have sis more regularly but she doesn’t want to as she also wants to be with mum when she can

Listen, this isn't right. Your sister is a neglected child. She doesn't know what is good for her. You know yourself how you ended up feeling responsible for your mother. It is never a child's responsibility to manage a parent. Adults know this. Someone needs to step in and save this child from this life. She thinks she knows what she wants, but she is a child with a child's brain. She doesn't have the awareness or maturity to understand this situation. But one day she will look back and ask why no one actually did anything to get her out of this. All the people currently "helping" are really just enabling your mother to continue to neglect your sister.