Thinking it’s weird for kids to pay parents rent

[User788889]

My friend has a daughter (17) she charges rent. My family did the same to me growing up? Am I the only one who think it’s setting your kids up for failure and greedy to charge your kids for staying in their childhood home. I’d want my kids to be able to afford their own place not make it harder for them. Only thing I would do was pretend to and then give it all back to them…

This has sort of died out in my bit of the community but just to really emphasise the first point, some Asians think it's bad luck/unacceptable to take absolutely anything from your married daughter/married female relatives

My grandmother would refuse to eat at my house once I was married, she would either bring food to my house or pay me - which felt ridiculous, I earned 80k and my grandmother was passing me a fiver before she felt comfortable eating a morsel at my house. Totally different with my male cousins!

That is how strong the taboo about taking anything from your married daughters/granddaughters etc can be

My parents are lighter touch than this but still do not feel comfortable not bringing some portion of the meal or some kind of contribution

I do emphasise though that there are many Asian subcultures and different traditions

Maybe harsh, but she has been utterly rude towards other members and I’m fed up with reading it.

I really don’t know who she thinks she’s talking to. The way she spoke about her parents left me stunned. Not everybody had a great upbringing; doesn't make us ‘cold or uncaring’ as parents ourselves. I had only one child as I knew I couldn't afford another. My daughter is my world and I am hers. Neither of us want to see each other fail.

My own mother wasn’t the best; a single parent who was pretty abusive at times. However, I don’t look down on people because of my own upbringing.

My mother used to take over half of my student loan and once I started working (freelance so not regular) she
still demanded a high amount so any "savings" then had to be given. It made it impossible to save and I really struggled to find a way to leave home.

She didn't tell my step father, just guilted me into handing it over.

She didn't charge my sister or brother. (only a difference of 3&6 years so circumstances were not dramatically different).

None of the £££ was ever given back in kindness for a house deposit or such.

I've accepted over time that I was treat differently and it's been a massive eye opener on how I'm not going to treat my own children like that.

Our 18 year old is doing a fairly well paid apprenticeship and takes home £1300 a month after tax. We ask her to contribute £150 a month, £80 of this is child benefit that we have lost. She was rather miffed about it, but has a large bedroom with her own ensuite bathroom, tv and sky in her room. £150 doesn’t even cover the cost of the food she eats! I’d happily pay £150 a month for this lifestyle. She still saves £500 a month and has £650 a month to spend on clothes, leisure etc. She also has a rather hefty child trust fund savings that her grandparents have paid into that will one day be used towards a deposit. Her dad and I on the other hand have pence left at the end of the month to buy treats or luxuries, so I feel our daughter is getting a very good deal indeed.

I know. It’s why I brought up the smug attitudes of some yesterday. I am a single mother myself and life did not turn out how I was expecting it to when my eldest son was born. If someone told me my life would fall apart in ways that would take years to recover from I would not have believed them. So all the talk from certain posters about how you are failing your adult children if you ask for a contribution and you can’t afford to help buy them a property is very hurtful but I dismiss their views as they are nonsense and not worth getting upset about. I try to be compassionate about others though they can push that to the limit 😁

@kell4life i think a lot of these young adults look to what their friends are doing. Mine has very wealthy ones with trust funds and inheritance. House deposits haven't been a problem for them.

I’d be put out that she was miffed about it. My son recently started his first full time job and gives me £200 a month and was absolutely fine about it. I’d have been quite hurt if I thought he wasn’t willing to contribute. He first broached the subject with me. ‘When I get a job mum I’m going to give you money to help out’ were his exact words.

We don't need a contribution but they pay one because they're adults and adults have to pay their own way in life. They can't expect a free ride from the bank of mum and dad. It teaches responsibility and budgeting skills.

When I got my first job my parents took 1/3 of my take-home pay. I totally understood this because I was costing them money in food, electricity, water and tbe occasional lift into town (we lived rurally). I saved the rest for nursing school, which I began the following year.

My daughter is 18 and doesn't currently have a job, but if she did I would ask for 25-30%. She eats me out of house & home each week, she uses a shit ton of utilities and I have to top up her Zip Card (London oyster card for sixth formers) as well. It taught me the value of things and how to budget, and I hope it will teach her too. I don't have a lot of savings and so I can't do what many other parents do here, because there isn't much money at the end of each month.

How dare you? Nobody calls my mother a loser but me! Way out of line, Izzy.

If my parents moved in with me there is not a chance I'd charge them rent either. They provided accommodation for me for long enough. Do people really expect rent from their elderly parenrts?!

What a thing to say. Seriously, how very unpleasant.

I'm Asian and will never charge my kids rent or board. My DC would happily take me in when I enter my grandparent arc. I'll cook and help in the running of the house

There's a big difference though between being financially abusive towards your kids which i think your mother was and expecting a fair contribution
My nephew recently started first his job he's earning around. £1700/ month he gives my sister £180/ month ( which I think is very low) the rest of his money is his to do as he please, s he can certainly save with that.

I’ve said in previous posts that I’m not directing this thread at people who have faced unfortunate circumstances, more people who can but won’t help their kids. A single parent or someone who has been abandoned by their significant other does not fall into this bracket. It’s an impossible job raising kids by yourself but somehow people like yourself do it. Your kids are lucky to have you and I’m sure they understand your position and are happy to contribute to the household.

She’s not unusual - kids these days find it very hard to accept they have to be independent adults. We had to have a very blunt discussion with ds anbout how life was going to be - he found it hard but he wasn’t destitute and I know from loads of other parents they had to do the same thing. You wouldn’t believe the push back we got from ds but we persisted because it’s important he learns to stand up straight and pay his own way in life. It’s a hard lesson but it’s important one.
My uncle had left home at 13 years old, to live and work in England - he sent money home, whilst my Dad had to give up the love of his life and a business to return to Ireland and look after his entire family after their parents both died. He was 21 years old at the time - not once did I ever hear him complain about having to look after 10 siblings with no help from the Gov or extended family - his family were grateful but they got on with living their lives and making their way. Strength and resilience are important life skills to teach our kids - not expecting handouts and being jealous or entitled - we have to steer them in the right direction not encourage poor attitudes.

Not that my dad would ever in with me aa he has a massive four bed house and I live in a a small two bed
But he's considerably better off than me and a very healthy amount in savings he would never see us struggle and not help put
It's all about different lifestyles again.

Not nice is it??

Maybe if you and the OP stopped looking down on people then maybe I wouldn’t need to point such things out. I don’t know who you both think you are or are talking to.

You claim you’re not getting heated by this debate, but your aggressive words suggest otherwise. It seems like this thread is hitting home. I wouldn’t advise to stay on it. People on here are calmly arguing their points and you are taking it as a personal attack and a reflection of your parenting. “I don’t know who you think you are talking to?” Calling my mom a loser? Are you in your late teens yourself? No one else here has resorted to personal attacks. Relax.

This. We aren't talking about people on the poverty line who lose benefits etc, rather households with 2 incomes, no loss of benefits other then 20 quid a week cb who still take half student loans or a chunk of measly salaries.

Or those who have kids in full time education at college but still work 26hrs at Asda and give their parents 'keep'. Why not reduce the hours, let them focus on their Alevels and don't take money from them.

If you can't afford to house your kids once they get older, fine. The others who can afford to but think it's 'teaching them about life' seem v grabby though imo. It isnst teaching them anything, other then they have to pay to live at home. They've their whole lives to budget.

Not looking down on anyone. We disagree that is all.

Other than the bun fights I think this is a very interesting thread.
Money is very devicive.
I didn't expect my parents to contribute when they came to live with us but the Harrods vans arriving were a bit much when I was providing a home and all utilities on a separate unit. Later as a carer to my widowed dad he gave his attendance allowance against our rent. We'd fallen on hard times.
Did my parents give me a privlaged upbringing? They did not, quite the reverse. I was successful in my career.
My whole family had a piece of that. Now we don't see their arses for dust.
I think offering something is a mark of respect.

To be fair that wasn’t what the OP was about. You can’t just decide that’s what we are all talking about. The thread organically started to cover the principle of asking your adult working children for keep and a lot of people showed a blanket disapproval of it.