Thinking it’s weird for kids to pay parents rent

[User788889]

My friend has a daughter (17) she charges rent. My family did the same to me growing up? Am I the only one who think it’s setting your kids up for failure and greedy to charge your kids for staying in their childhood home. I’d want my kids to be able to afford their own place not make it harder for them. Only thing I would do was pretend to and then give it all back to them…

Can you not ask him to buy some food and give him a list.

My ds will often buy food and will get me the odd thing if needed

He also pays a token amount of housekeeping

And actually, having a whole full time minimum wage to spend solely on fun stuff and saving is pretty good. Lots of older adults don't have that.

Short sighted! That’s the perfect way to describe it. People can’t see beyond paying rent and working for the rest of their lives and sadly they put their children through the same cycle. Many communities, such as the Asian community, help their kids out. While I’m not Asian, I think that it is so admirable the way they set up their kids with properties, funds for their weddings and generational wealth for their kids. In return, the kids return the favour by looking after their elders later on.

If you're going to endorse "Asian culture" then I hope you endorse the other half of the equation-the one where the eldest son and his family (and quite often the rest of the family as well) provide a home for their parents and fund their old age.

Yeah Asian culture is a really mixed bag. I am Asian and a lot of the Asian women I know are bloody miserable about having to look after their PILs and live with them etc

In return, the kids return the favour by looking after their elders later on.

Said it already. But thanks.

I'm looking after my elderly recently bereaved dad out of love .

I am Asian too. I agree. Many women are miserable. I plan to take my mum in but thats because I like her and we get along well.

So sorry to hear about bereavement. That’s nice to hear you’re looking after him.

My Asian friends who all own their houses have gotten loads of family support, weddings and help with childcare for example. I can’t speak on the ins and outs of course because I don’t know everyone’s individual situations. I’ve just noticed helping each other out seems to be a huge part of their culture.

There are many ways parents who don’t have much money help their kids. They do it with love, support, being present, etc. Being a good supportive parent isn’t all about money.

You seem to think that by asking for a contribution to cover the household expenses that we are leaving our kids destitute. That's not the case at all. They still have their own money to save and spend as they wish but they also know that important things cost money as well and those bills should be paid first before anything else. It's not a case of "great you're working, give us all your money and work harder so we can take more from you".

In return, the kids return the favour by looking after their elders later on.

I'd rather DD cared for me because she wanted to not because she thought she was "doing me a favour". How awful must it be to think that because you helped your DC out when they were younger, that they now feel obligated to do the same. Maybe take a look at the "Stately Homes" board to see how that worked out for a good many people.

I know quite a few Asians with parents not able to a sponsor their children. Or more than the oldest child.

Yes, seems pretty transactional to me. I’ll help you buy a home and pay for your wedding and you will look after me in my old age.

It's really a system that works brilliantly for men

When you have kids, don't have to make any compromises at work because your mum helps your wife with the kids

When you are old, your DIL looks after you

If you're a woman, it's non stop caring, often on top of having been tiger parented so you're also a high achiever professionally too

No thanks, I am Asian and I am not living with my parents or PIL.

It's not all wrong as a culture, there is lots that I think is good and works well but it's equally not some kind of utopia and I think many of the posters who say look at the Asian culture, isn't it marvellous, would absolutely hate it themselves

Our household is mixed heritage and parents come to live with family in old age. My parents came for 18 years. No rent until the last two years. It cost us all our savings on adapted living.
I'm not even the oldest but I was the richest. Even then I didn't get any thanks from my siblings, it's just expected.
I think living at the expense of others as an adult isn't fair. Culturally it may be what people expect but it makes for resentment.
Our tight-fisted son will get a shock in later life when he sees how much a family costs. Granny won't be paying school fees!

Asian families do on the whole seem to be more family oriented
However and this is.anecdotal.an Asian ladyv i used to work whose family owned a string of shops and were relatively wealthy ,said the properties woukd only be inherited by her brothers ,not her and her sisters obviously this is only one example I know of so I don't know if this is a general thing or something thst happened in just her family.

@aspidernamedfluffy

Yes and me

My dm doesn't expect it either

You also ge those awful controlling mil scenarios when they are nasty to their dils

No thank you

Profiter? Cash cows ? For goodness sake if someone can't afford to pay their way whilst simultaneously making sacrifices to save for a deposit then they can't afford to buy and maintain a house.

I expect most of these young adults are still enjoying holidays,nights out,running nice cars,travelling and doing all the fun stuff that most young people do before settling down ?
I'd be slightly more sympathetic if the said young person was only spending on 'essentials' and putting every spare penny into a house deposit .... There's no way I'd can afford to subsidise another adult with more disposable income than myself..

It's not true of all Asian communities but some pockets can be like this - but two things:

One is that it's the sons and their wives who have the responsibilities as well - daughters in that type of community will do v little for their elderly parents, whereas sons)DILs will often be doing a lot

Second is that if everyone in the community does it, it evens out - as a woman, you don't inherit from your parents but you inherit more from your parents in law because their money goes just to their sons

So it's not as unfair as it might sound

It’s funny how people on MN see things so differently depending on what thread you are on. Helping out with childcare is great, it sounds as though everyone is living close to each other. Recently there was a thread where posters had decided if you still lived close to your family you had been failed by your parents but if you lived across the other side of the world from them they had parented you properly. On this thread it’s good to not ask for a monetary contribution and bad if you do. It’s a weird world is Mumsnet.

My DB and DSis left school at 16 in the early 80s. It was understood that once you started earning, you paid board to your parents. No angsting about it - you knew you were onto a good thing.

And you started a savings account for yourself. Didn't rely on parents to put your board money into one for you. That's infantilising your working DC.

We'll get DD to do the same if she moves back after uni. Charge her board and encourage her to open a LISA.

That's interesting thank-you.

That’s a bit harsh. It’s true that poster didn’t have a happy childhood so I take a lot of their views with a bit of a raised eyebrow and a pinch of salt but understand their views are a bit blinkered because of it.