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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for help before I go back to ex husband?

146 replies

PleaseHelp0 · 14/02/2025 07:36

Split with my husband last spring and he moved back to his parents house

DS 14 took this terribly
DD 15 asked why it took so long

We split custody and shared Xmas together as DS begged us to and DH is living with his very elderly parents who were inwell with flu so the kids couldn’t visit him there over that period

Anyway for me it was a long time coming, I felt very very lonely as we are very different characters and he doesn’t enjoy being out much or talking ( he now feels he is ASD and is awaiting a private diagnosis - DD is ASD so could be a genetic link there )

I met someone else in October through work and feel very strongly about him but we have a 3 hour round trip between us and he has full time custody of his 4 children so neither of us can merge together anytime soon and I haven’t mentioned I’m to the children so only see him when they’re at their dads

I am now starting to miss the family unit a lot, my ex still is very upset which sadly shows to the children and my son keeps asking me to try again as his dad has changed

I feel so guilty and responsible and no amount of therapy has helped me accept this really

I hate the damage it’s caused to my son and to my relationship with my son

Has anyone else been here with any advice?

OP posts:
Menopants · 14/02/2025 07:38

Don’t go back it will make it all worse if you do it for the wrong reasons

Bestwishes23 · 14/02/2025 07:42

What do you miss about the family unit? Your post suggests that it didn't enrich your life.

Chaseandstatus · 14/02/2025 07:43

Don’t go back!

My teens were similar, DD sees it as a positive, DS would have liked nothing to change.

My ex is a terrible dad, the kids feel responsible for his happiness. DS doesn’t see much of him now because it’s just an emotional burden but that comes with feelings of guilt and obligation.

However. I can’t change anyone else. I’m just being the best mum that I can be. Everything else works itself out in time.

Good luck OP.

PinkPonyClub25 · 14/02/2025 07:43

Don't go back. You'll just be miserable, sometimes you have to do what's best for YOU.

Bornnotbourne · 14/02/2025 07:44

How has he changed? In my experience people very rarely change. My partner said this and it took two days for him to revert to normal. It will be harder leaving a second time.

festivemouse · 14/02/2025 07:44

You can miss the family unit - but if you separated, then you're missing a family unit you never actually had (otherwise you'd still be together!).

Your ex is allowed to be sad, but he needs to shield the children from being influenced by his emotions.

You also need to stop sharing things like Christmas with him - it's probably giving him / DC false hope n

FartfulCodger · 14/02/2025 07:45

Don’t go back. Things broke down for a reason and things rarely change long term. Your teenage son is understandably hurt but also shouldn’t get a say in your relationship. Imagine if you got back together, spent the next decade deeply unhappy and started to resent your son.

Loopytiles · 14/02/2025 07:46

Your reasons for going back are poor ones. Your ex needs to help himself. Support your DS in whatever ways you can and have resources for.

Don’t bofher with the new ‘relationship’ with the geography, both your responsibilities. It’ll just waste energy you need for yourself and DC.

jeaux90 · 14/02/2025 07:48

Boundaries OP.

You need to get used to having them for everyone's sake.

And this other chap, please, take it slow. You have no need to jump into anything.

I've been a lone parent for 15 years and believe me, the biggest gift you can give yourself is being comfortable in your own skin, controlling your own life, being independent.

You have a DC to set an example for, you already did the right thing by pulling the trigger on a marriage that wasn't working.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 14/02/2025 07:48

Remind yourself why you left. The fact DD was happy that you left means she probably won’t be happy if you get back together. Why should DS’s happiness trump DD’s?

I think it will be easier for DS if it is made clear that you will never go back to their father. Instead, focus on building the family unit you have (games night every Tuesday, takeout on a Friday for example) and ensure DS can see his dad whenever he wants to.

If you go back, it won’t be easier.

IsItSummerSoon · 14/02/2025 07:51

Definitely do not get back with the ex! And see the work fling for something that was fun, and made you realise you want another more serious relationship in the future. Neither of these are your guy, but who knows what the future holds.

cheezncrackers · 14/02/2025 07:51

I understand that it's tough being a LP with one sad DC who wants his dad back in the house, but you've done the hard bit by splitting. You were clearly really unhappy and if you go back to make your DS and your ex happy all you're doing is sacrificing yourself on the altar of their happiness. It's normal to miss the family unit when you split, even if that family unit was actually pretty shit, but it's rose-tinted spectacles.

My advice would be to forge on ahead. Maybe this new guy with four kids who's a 3-hour round trip away is not a keeper. The situation is certainly complicated, particularly as you have six DC between you. TBH, I think I'd focus on you, your DC and getting things at home on an even keel, not on a new relationship. There is plenty of time for that in the future. But DON'T go back to your ex. That won't solve anything, it will just dump you right back in the situation that made you so unhappy before.

ServantsGonnaServe · 14/02/2025 07:55

Your son isn't in the relationship.

Your daughter wouldn't be happy.

If you get back together it will cause ripples for years and cause more damage. One I can foresee is your relationship with your daughter, another is both your kids thinking mums should make life easier for men and themselves by putting up and for your dd, learning that women can't stand on their own two feet. Your son will feel tremendous and damaging guilt as a adult remembering that he pressured you to go back and you did. Plus the harm for you.

Its over, and how you feel is part of the grieving process. You won't feel like this in a few years. Especially once kids have moved out.

After a year, you are in the middle of your journey, not at the end.

ServantsGonnaServe · 14/02/2025 07:57

And I'd make the point that whilst you can enjoy the new boyfriend, you've not actually taken the time to enjoy being single and happy. You've been single, sure, but nit single and happy or single and actively choosing not to date.

Enjoy the boyfriend but build a life that means if he slips out of the picture you will still have a full life xx

Original poster
PleaseHelp0 · 14/02/2025 07:58

Thank you so much for replying
I have started to feel that If it wasn’t for the new man then I could at least give it a big shot for the sake of DS
I do love my ex husband - I get tearful seeing him because he had so many qualities that I love in a person and he’s a great provider and dad aside from how he’s behaved since the split in burdening DS but we lacked the emotional connection that I’ve had elsewhere ( not just with this new man - prior to my marriage I mean ) and intimacy wasn’t great

I felt unseen and unloved a lot of the time but it’s very hard now he apparently can’t see all the errors of his ways not to give it a go when DS is begging me

I worry DS will move in with him as soon as he’s an adult which really upsets me
as we were so so close 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseHelp0 · 14/02/2025 08:01

ServantsGonnaServe · 14/02/2025 07:55

Your son isn't in the relationship.

Your daughter wouldn't be happy.

If you get back together it will cause ripples for years and cause more damage. One I can foresee is your relationship with your daughter, another is both your kids thinking mums should make life easier for men and themselves by putting up and for your dd, learning that women can't stand on their own two feet. Your son will feel tremendous and damaging guilt as a adult remembering that he pressured you to go back and you did. Plus the harm for you.

Its over, and how you feel is part of the grieving process. You won't feel like this in a few years. Especially once kids have moved out.

After a year, you are in the middle of your journey, not at the end.

This is true

When I used to think of the kids not being here and it would just be us I used to panic so much thinking we have barely anything to say to each other - how will we be able to spend that much time together

it’s hard to imagine the kids moving out for years as they aren’t independent kinds so I worry I’ve made that happen sooner than it would for DS as in choosing to live with his dad

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 14/02/2025 08:03

your DS is a child with a child’s view on things. Your DD is happy you’ve split - why are DS feelings more important than hers?

soarklyknobs · 14/02/2025 08:08

I'm going to be brutal here so you recognise the reality of what would be happening if you went back to your ex because of your kids.

Your children are not your pimps and you're not a female escort.

You cannot be expected to live with, have a relationship with and have sex with (because few marriages survive without a physical element) a man because someone else has told you that you should.

Obviously your DC don't see it like this, they just want mummy and daddy back together again. But that's the reality. You'd be forced into an emotional and sexual relationship with someone you don't want to be with, mostly because he's "a good provider" and he's sad.

There's way more nuances than I'm going into here, but strip it back to basics and that's what you've got.

NewHeaven · 14/02/2025 08:09

Have you divorced or just separated? I would advise you to start the divorce process and you'll probably be relieved once it's done.

passthegripplease · 14/02/2025 08:11

When ds is an adult if he moved in with his dad that would be his choice, as an adult he could move to the moon. It doesn't stop your relationship with your son.
I always considered the least happiest child as my starting point and what I could do to help them feel at least a bit better and take it from there.
If it was me, I would def consider dd's feelings first although I would never say out loud.
Might have missed it but how old are the kids? Is ds younger?

passthegripplease · 14/02/2025 08:12

Sorry just seen ages.

Flozle · 14/02/2025 08:13

It's not your responsibility to make your husband happy, but it is his responsibility to ensure that they aren't affected by his misery. How selfish of him to use his children to get what he wants.

MissUltraViolet · 14/02/2025 08:16

Your DD being pleased you split up tells me there was probably more wrong with your relationship than you think, certainly enough that she felt unhappy or uncomfortable at home and noticed things.

That also poses another question, why are you considering getting back with him for DS and completely ignoring DDs opinion and feelings on the matter? Is he more important?

You split up for a reason, going back because you’re worried your son will want to live with him if you don’t, is not as good a reason as you’re convincing yourself and the relationship is likely to fail again.

Question - if this new man lived much closer and had a more flexible set up, ie could see you much more often, would you even be considering this?

crumblingschools · 14/02/2025 08:17

Why did DD ask why it took so long to separate?

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 14/02/2025 08:18

I loved my student days. Living in a house with mates, drinking cheap pints in the union bar, nights out dancing until 3am, eating tonnes of fast food...

It is possible to love something and also to know that it wasn't good for you, you don't want to go back there, and you have moved on to healthier times.