to ask for help before I go back to ex husband?

[PleaseHelp0]

Split with my husband last spring and he moved back to his parents house

DS 14 took this terribly
DD 15 asked why it took so long

We split custody and shared Xmas together as DS begged us to and DH is living with his very elderly parents who were inwell with flu so the kids couldn’t visit him there over that period

Anyway for me it was a long time coming, I felt very very lonely as we are very different characters and he doesn’t enjoy being out much or talking ( he now feels he is ASD and is awaiting a private diagnosis - DD is ASD so could be a genetic link there )

I met someone else in October through work and feel very strongly about him but we have a 3 hour round trip between us and he has full time custody of his 4 children so neither of us can merge together anytime soon and I haven’t mentioned I’m to the children so only see him when they’re at their dads

I am now starting to miss the family unit a lot, my ex still is very upset which sadly shows to the children and my son keeps asking me to try again as his dad has changed

I feel so guilty and responsible and no amount of therapy has helped me accept this really

I hate the damage it’s caused to my son and to my relationship with my son

Has anyone else been here with any advice?

Look for the long running thread here first women with partners on the spectrum. Its quite eye opening. Don’t mistake passionate/love letter writing dh for the real dh. The real one is the one who was cold and distant emotionally and used logic and supposed rationality to win debates with you rather than to draw closer to you. Letter writing man is just trying anything to get his need for a wife appliance met. He is willing to put in some work temporarily—like a hunter who wants meat do will work hard to dig a pit and bait a trap. But he isn’t proposing to keep doing this heavy emotional labour most of the time. He isn’t a gardener who nurtures his garden every day. Once you come back—fall into thr trap—he is done with the luring and attracting work. He will go back to ignoring you and your needs.

I think most posters on here will have an example of a STBXH suddenly doing the one thing that you have been asking for, crying out for and then begging for for years.

If I am go totally armchair psychologist, you say that your mum was emotionally distant and you feared your kids would experience this cold environment. Is it possible that you were drawn towards an unemotive man because he was emotionally familiar, but then realised that the same needs were going unmet? Then you eventually reached a point at which going without emotional reassurance (and its value to you) was finally enough to make you want to leave.

It might be helpful for yourself to read up on attachment styles, and to pay attention to "is this what I want, or it is just familiar?".

Going back to the STBXH suddenly doing the thing that you asked for, this sounds temporary and like a response to the upset in his life, not a genuine attempt to meet your needs; he had years to try to do that.

You did the hard part when you left. Now gather yourself, make your happy list and reflect carefully on what you want vs. what is genuinely on offer. Other PP have said that what your son would benefit from is clarity and certainty over the split, and less emotional blackmail from your STBXH. I agree with this too.

No don't go back just because ex and DC are upset
Remember the reasons you split and I'm sorry, but I don't feel ex could change that much.
More likely he's fed up living with parents
Forget the new relationship and concentrate on your family unit.
That is you and DC now

You sound lonely OP and like you need company. Would you get out and join a hobby, a book group, something where you meet people regularly to have a coffee and a chat? I think that might help you stay strong and not go back.

I know what you mean about missing the family unit. I feel that too even though my ex was abusive. Have a very careful think about why you split up and whether there is realistically anything you can do to resolve your differences.

Yes I think I will do something like this

It’s a shame as the new man is everything I always wanted but didn’t think existed but distance and kids make it hard for this to feel fulfilling right now a couple of times a week

Volunteering at something is also a good way to meet people. Parkrun is great if you have one locally: our volunteers always go for breakfast or a coffee together afterwards.

My mum & dad split up when I was 10, instigated by my mum because my dad was a total dick frankly but I didn’t know that at the time. My dad would do the same to me, beg me to beg my mum to take him back, so I did and I would get so mad at her when she said no. He would write letters for me to give to her. I don’t know how long it all went on for but it must have been really tough for my mum at the time. Anyway I’m an adult now and totally respect my mum for dealing with it all the way she did without ever bad mouthing my dad or telling me the gory details of their split. My dad however… I still see him, but I know he is a manipulative arsehole and won’t ever forgive him for making my life harder at an already challenging time. Don’t go back op, your son will be ok.

I think @pikkumyy77 is right Op, your DH found it hard to meet your needs because of his ND, he might be very sad to have lost you but it won't change who he is or his basic character. It's easy for your DS to say his DF has changed but he's a child, he doesn't understand the real issues between you and just wants to make his DF happy.

Op I think you need to chat to the child who is trying to convince you and tell them it’s not good to have two people together who shouldn’t be and ask them did they not think the house was a bit cold and distant? You might also need to talk to your ex reminding him you weren’t good together and tell him he needs to figure out being happy (without letting him know about the new relationship if he doesn’t know)

It's hard to leave a marriage and it sounds as though you felt unloved and were worried the kids did as well. Your son clearly felt loved by his father, you describe your daughter as less bothered perhaps because she is more like her dad in terms of expressing emotion?

Now he's expressing emotion in plenty it sounds... and it doesn't sound as though you doubt his love so much, or yours fit him. I'd be tempted to try dating him again; in other words don't get back together yet but work on the relationship not the family unit first of all.

If you find you reconnect, as you say you love him, this would give you a chance to see if things are improving. It would also allow your son to feel you were trying at least and not just writing off his dad.

If all your DH is missing is family comforts he'll get tired of trying to woo you back and it might give you both time and space to honestly think through what you want. If he doesn't get tired of trying to build back the relationship then you may think it's worth a try.

I suppose I'm saying there's a possible middle ground between sticking it out and just going back.

I know you're lonely but there are few things lonelier than feeling unseen by the person who is supposed to love you most.
And, if he is autistic, how likely do you think it is that he can truly change, (not temporarily moderate his behaviour but actually change)? If you go back, you need to know that you are signing up for more of the same. Forever. Don't do it.

Just shut it down OP. 'It's over. We are not getting back together.' Don't entertain anything else.

But you don't know that he is. Not seeing him so little and him living so far away, you can't romanticise it too much

You need to build a life outside of your relationship - and then a relationship should add positively to that life, not just be a filler because your life is otherwise empty.

You deserve so much more than you've had so far - do not go back!

I feel like there is another element to all this that hasn't really been explored OP, which is that you keep reiterating how lonely you are (and were in your marriage). If this loneliness that you feel is driving your misplaced re-evaluation of your marriage and your waving on whether to return, I honestly feel that you need to address it head on.

I would give some thought to how you can branch out socially and what there is to join in your local area. There are activities that are naturally quite social - running, cycling or walking clubs. A book group. Bell-ringing. Knitting, crocheting and other craft groups. Back to Netball. Local groups to e.g. save your local waterway, litter pick. Amateur dramatics. Singing in a choir. There are other ways to fill your time in a nice, social way that don't include finding a new partner! Plus, don't forget family and old friends, neighbours, colleagues, etc.

Why does your ds think your ex has changed? Has your ex told him so? How would your ds be able to tell? Is your ex manipulating your ds? It comes across as a bit of emotional blackmail from that side.

If it's taken that long to get him out of the house the first time trust me you'll never get him out a second time. Once you take him back you'll regret it big time.

Your ds will just have to accept and adjust. He will have many challenges with change if has adhd. Many of which will be out of his control. Make it clear to him that you're not going backwards, if that's what you decide.

Be aware that in the not too distant future it will just be you and your ex. Think of how miserable that will be. You deserve a good life too.
A new person might be round the corner but you'll never have that opportunity if you hang onto something that in reality is a fantasy of family life and it wasn't all roses before so why would it change?

my parents divorced and remarried. I remember telling my mother she was making a huge mistake and she got so angry at me. She said your brothers are all so happy, what's wrong with you??

I told her that I could see the problems that led them to split were still there, that things would quickly revert to old ways and she'd be miserable. It caused a rift between us, she said some terrible things to me that hurt me deeply.

Then 3 years later as she packed her things she said 'you were the only one who saw the truth and tried to stop me, you were right'

That validation hurt almost as much as her harsh words had hurt me. We all suffered a lot over those 3 years. Please don't put yourself and your family through this again. Its even a kindness to your ex H to continue the split, he needs to process this and move on. Reuniting then splitting again just drags it on.

He's VERY UNFAIR and inappropriate to pull your son into it. That's parental abuse imho. Try not to participate in discussions about this with your son at all. Just categorically shut it down.

You need to tell ex to stop with the guilt trips and involving ds. It’s unfair and cruel to everyone including himself. Be blunt (best approach if he’s ND) and say that loving parents don’t tell their kids that kind of stuff. He needs to confide in adult family and friends rather than cause stress for ds.

Did you tell ex that you wanted things like love letters etc? If so this is exactly why he’s doing it- he thinks that you’ll crumble because the situation is fixable but sometimes there’s too much water under the bridge. Remind yourself that this isn’t the real him and he’s doing it out of desperation.

With your ds I’d try and explain that it’s over forever and you don’t want to get back with his dad. There’s nothing that he can do to win you over. Would it help the analogy of ds thinking back to his primary school best friend. If he joined ds’ current school tomorrow, would they be best friends again or would too much time passed as they’d grown apart? They might eventually be friends but thru couldn’t return to the primary school days because they’ve changed as people and met others who are more like current them.

Haven't rtft but I wonder if some of this isn't caused by the fact that you're no longer in the relationship, so you no longer feel directly the downsides of it.

A bit like when people talk wistfully of the time when the kids were babies but are conveniently forgetting the sleepless nights and nappy changing...

Are you really so sure that you'd be happy if you went back ?

If you go back, it'll be far more traumatising for the bairn when you realise all the old reasons for splitting are still there and have to do it again. You can't do that to your bairns mental health. Either of them.

Doesn't sound like your ex has learned anything from the separation and simply wants to resume the status quo because it's convenient for him and doesn't want to live with his folks anymore.

You'll end up back in an unhappy relationship with the same issues as before.

Being neurodivergent doesn't give someone an excuse to behave badly towards someone.You can have ASD and still be an arsehole.

Your daughter asked why it took so long. Listen to her.

Your ex is in his head, he's being used as a flying monkey. There's a reason he's still at his parents. He's waiting you out and it's working.

Can you not see how manipulative it is? He's using his child to make you take him back. There are no concerns for you at all.

Get mad at him.

Your son needs to learn in no uncertain terms, thet women and girls may NOT be manipulated into decisions by men and boys. Tell him he is harassing you, and his father is being abusive by laying it on thick.

Your own male child getting angry at you because you won't take this man back, is obscene.