to ask for help before I go back to ex husband?

[PleaseHelp0]

Split with my husband last spring and he moved back to his parents house

DS 14 took this terribly
DD 15 asked why it took so long

We split custody and shared Xmas together as DS begged us to and DH is living with his very elderly parents who were inwell with flu so the kids couldn’t visit him there over that period

Anyway for me it was a long time coming, I felt very very lonely as we are very different characters and he doesn’t enjoy being out much or talking ( he now feels he is ASD and is awaiting a private diagnosis - DD is ASD so could be a genetic link there )

I met someone else in October through work and feel very strongly about him but we have a 3 hour round trip between us and he has full time custody of his 4 children so neither of us can merge together anytime soon and I haven’t mentioned I’m to the children so only see him when they’re at their dads

I am now starting to miss the family unit a lot, my ex still is very upset which sadly shows to the children and my son keeps asking me to try again as his dad has changed

I feel so guilty and responsible and no amount of therapy has helped me accept this really

I hate the damage it’s caused to my son and to my relationship with my son

Has anyone else been here with any advice?

She wasn’t upset when he was here

She didn't tell or show you she was. But when he left she made a point to come to you and say how relieved she was.

That sounds horrendous
I’m sorry for your experience 😢

Don't go back. It won't work, and will mess the kids up even more when it goes wrong again. Please. Don't go back.

This is true
She did find the awkwardness of him difficult
She has said she doesn’t want me to live with any other partner until she leaves home so it’s hard to pick apart her feelings as in her ideal world it would probably just be me and her

It sounds like you miss the idea of the family unit rather that your actual ex. If you go back to him and aren't sure, then you'll be messing him and the kids around. Also, you're seeing someone else?

No doubt this is a painful time fir you. Burth—and rebirth—are bound to be painful. But we don’t get our new life without our new birth. Right now you are looking backwards and mourning what you lost. Start taking control of your life—stop wallowing in indecision and burn your bridges as Caesar burned his ships. There is no going backwards in life.

Your son can be sad all he wants but this is ultimately a good life lesson for him. He needs to learn emotional independence from his dad’s needs and to recognize that you have needs and a right to happiness too. If he responds aggressively or cruelly to you there is no point putting a bandaid on it or catering to his childish solipsism. Its an important part of growing up for him to realize that other people, especially other people who are women, are not here to serve his needs.

Start planning for your financial security and doing things to please yourself every day. Look for the intimacy you crave by taking up hobbies, starting to date, prioritizing yourself.

I think she's right to ask not to have an unrelated male come and live with her while she lives at home.

Yes seeing someone casually but no mention to the children

I agree - I would have hated this as a child
It just means I have to find peace with not living with a partner for quite some time and I can’t lie and say I like my own company very much!
Although we are very close DD is 14 so doesn’t want to hang out with me much now and DS very rarely so it’s quite lonely

Perhaps the situation surrounding this new relationship is partly why you’re having second thoughts about ex.

I don’t think you should try again with your ex because all of the reasons you separated in the first place are still there. I also don’t think you should carry on pursuing this new relationship either, simply because of the logistics it would be hard for it to go anywhere serious in the near future. Plus continuing with it may actually stop you meeting someone you would be much more suited to as you’re closed off and concentrating on the wrong person.

There is absolutely someone out there that can make you happy, no compromises and putting up with shit, just genuinely happy. Your children will be adults soon, you need to start putting you first and begin to rebuild your life in a way that makes YOU happy. Get yourself out there, find some new hobbies, go out with current ones or meet new friends. Who knows what’s around the corner!

DS will understand one day, hopefully. The way ex is using him to try and manipulate you and guilt trip is really awful and unfair.

The only thing I will say is, if at some point you do give in or have a moment of weakness and do agree to try again - do NOT let him move back in with you, there is no need. You do not need to live together to see if there is a chance you can make it work. The children (especially DS) shouldn’t even be told. But please don’t give in!

Don't do it! If it doesn't work out DS will be back to square one and may take the break up even harder the second time around.

Maybe you need to consider a more local boyfriend? The longer distance thing and not living together for a few years would work for some women, and not for others.

He is so wrong to be emotionally abusing your son and inflicting adultrification on him.

Hugely damaging.
Do not go back to your husband because you will break up again and cause enormous additional upset to your son.

Keep telling him that his father will be ok and is very very wrong to be trauma dumping on him.

Google adultrification and trauma dumping and sent links to your husband.

He is spectacularly selfish to do this.
Don't go back to him.

FWIW the right choice is the choice that you really invest in.

As a stranger on the internet I would say do not go back. If you felt unseen and unloved for long periods in the relationship and the intimacy was infrequent, it sounds like you're missing the familiarity more than the actual husband, made worse by the guilt about your son.

I think you may need to unstick yourself from the past, the guilt and the uncertainty, and get behind the decision that you made.

You chose to leave the marriage after years of not feeling appreciated, loved or supported. That was a valid decision. Since then, you've probably put in place some new actions and routines, you've started to meet some of your other emotional/physical needs with the other man.

I think you need to try to mentally draw a line under the fact that you decided to leave, and actually accept and recognise that this is a new phase, a new chapter, and perhaps a slightly different you. I find it is always helpful to write down ALL the things that you want (whether that is in a job, a relationship or a new house, whatever) and then later reflect impartially on whether what is on offer meets any of your identified needs and desires.

I think if you did this, you'd know deep down that your husband no longer meets those needs and hasn't/hasn't tried to in a long time. Maybe now he's only seen the light because his comfortable life was upended, but not because he's actually madly in love, can't live without you (sorry, if this was verbal you'd hear that I am not trying to be mean).

The more that you recognicse your own agency and respond to your own needs, the more you will be able to grey rock your STBXH and start actually moving on, which can also only be good for your DS.

Thanks. I still feel angry about it now.

i know they were trying to ‘the best’ thing and keep us as 1 family but they should have looked at reality that they couldn’t go back to the same marriage as it was and expect it to be better. It was fucking stupid and irresponsible.

ive never told them how angry I am about it (brother is a lot more angry) because its in the past and i dont think it would make anyone feel better

This is so helpful
I always found ExH so logical and not emotional at all that I did wonder if he was “ madly if love with me “ or just the stability of the family unit

To see him crying and sending love letters is crazy as he was never like this but has made me feel guilt in a way I never thought I would feel

You need to stop discussing this with ds. It's inappropriate that your ex is dragging him into the middle, but you are, too, by talking to him about it. Every time ds brings it up you need to gently tell him that this isn't about him and while he can express his feelings, begging you to go back to dh is out of line and you won't listen to it. IOW, you need to get your poor ds out of the middle of the divorce discussion because your ex won't. You do that by not participating in it.

Also, keep texts, calls etc. with ex to a minimum. The more access ex has to you, the more he will try to manipulate you to get back together. Unless the issue directly involves the dc and you must coordinate with ex, don't respond. Anything you need to say to ex about the divorce can be said through your lawyer.

Don’t feel guilted into getting back with him for the sake of your ds or dh. If it was a long time coming, that only suggest to me that there were problems. Regardless of his diagnosis.

OP, your ex is saying he's changed, and yet in your words, 'says he can’t help it, he’s broken hearted and will never recover'. He either can control himself and make changes, or he can't, he can't have it both ways!

Personally I think it would be a massive mistake to get back together. You clearly weren't happy, and your DH says he can't help his behaviour, so nothing will have changed. Therefore if you get back together and then realise that you had escaped, but now, thanks to being pestered by your DS, you are back in the same situation and unhappy again, you will then find yourself resenting him, AND your ex. Meanwhile, your poor daughter will be disappointed in you for going back, when she could clearly see that you were unhappy before. Then just to top it off, the chances are, that if you get back together and then have to separate again, your DS will then decide to stay with his Dad anyway.

I'd been unhappy with my ex H for a long time, we got together young, and as we reached our 30's we'd developed in different ways, but there was no violence, no major arguments, I just wasn't happy, so decided to leave. I got involved with someone else, and moved in with him, but life was really difficult, not because of anything my new man did, but because my DD was unhappy, money was tight, and I was no longer leading the easy life that I'd had with my ex. At that point I gave serious thought to trying to get back together, but eventually decided that going back would be a mistake as I still wouldn't be happy, so I stuck with my new man, adjusted to having less money, and a different lifestyle, and we've now been together for 34 years, married for 30, and we're REALLY happy, and as some might say 'soul mates'.

I've told you this to try and make you see that once you've split up after being together for quite a long time, you can find yourself wishing that things could go back to how they were, because life was easier. Where in fact you just need to give yourself more time to adjust to life as a single parent.

Apologies for the long post.

I think at some point, soon, you need to sit down with ds and have a Frank chat.

"Ds, I appreciate your dad is unhappy. Our marriage has ended and yes, that often leaves everyone sad. I am not responsible for making dad happy again, and I am sorry that he has made it seem like that is possible. We both adore you so much. I need you to understand that we will not be getting back together. Your dad, like me, has to work on improving his own happiness now"

After you've left a bad situation its really common to look back and remember the good parts, and feel nostalgic for them. There are different names for it including 'rosy retrospection' and 'the fading effect bias'.

Write down all the worst reasons you split, all the worst things that happened, and remind yourself that you never received an apology for any of those because your ex doesn't actually hold himself responsible for what he did.
He didn't care enough at the time to make any effort. and now he just wants you to forgive and forget, and he's using your son as his messenger.
Nothing has changed. He hasn't changed. Its absolutely reprehensible for him to get his child involved.
If you return your future will be full of you making adjustments for his behaviour, because his ADHD is triggered.

OP, you've had two shots at living with your exDH and both ended in failure, because he was unable to change.

What makes you think the third attempt will be successful? From where I'm sitting, the chances are zero.

If (you suggest) your ex is putting emotional burden on your DS (not good parenting) and his and DS’ ‘connection’ was and is based on DS doing the ‘emotional labour’ it might not benefit DS to live with his father full time.

If your ex was / is a poor parent to your DD it won’t benefit her to live with her father full time.

It’s not a good sign that you suggest that your very new and unrealistic relationship is a key factor in your decision. It shouldn’t be.

I agree
Its only because I am very lonely a lot of the time so feel if he was more local and didn’t have 4 children full time then I could potentially see him more - just a coffee here and there, not introducing him to the house or children but because that isn’t possible I feel I miss the stability of the unit more even though I was very lonely with ExH anyway

Thank you for your long post!
Can I ask how old your DD was and if you moved in together quite quickly?
I suspect a lot of these feelings I’m having is because I haven’t lived alone for such a long time and with 2 teens who don’t always want me around - it’s pretty lonely!