to ask for help before I go back to ex husband?

[PleaseHelp0]

Split with my husband last spring and he moved back to his parents house

DS 14 took this terribly
DD 15 asked why it took so long

We split custody and shared Xmas together as DS begged us to and DH is living with his very elderly parents who were inwell with flu so the kids couldn’t visit him there over that period

Anyway for me it was a long time coming, I felt very very lonely as we are very different characters and he doesn’t enjoy being out much or talking ( he now feels he is ASD and is awaiting a private diagnosis - DD is ASD so could be a genetic link there )

I met someone else in October through work and feel very strongly about him but we have a 3 hour round trip between us and he has full time custody of his 4 children so neither of us can merge together anytime soon and I haven’t mentioned I’m to the children so only see him when they’re at their dads

I am now starting to miss the family unit a lot, my ex still is very upset which sadly shows to the children and my son keeps asking me to try again as his dad has changed

I feel so guilty and responsible and no amount of therapy has helped me accept this really

I hate the damage it’s caused to my son and to my relationship with my son

Has anyone else been here with any advice?

I agree but also wonder if it would be seen the same If it was me saying the same things to DD Id he had ended the marriage

I don’t want to be harder on DS just because he’s male but absolutely he needs to know that women’s feelings are just as important

If you’d been confiding in dd or she’d been begging you to take him back then it would be equally unacceptable.
Your son is old enough to know that begging and manipulation doesn’t work with you (didn’t you go through that lesson when he was in primary school ?) and that guilt trips are not kind/loving behaviour. If he’d been begging his dad to win you back then that’s also not ok. If his dad asked him to nag you then that’s even worse. Life is not like a movie where forcing the parents together makes them reconcile. Ask him how he’d feel if you interfered in his friendships and relationships and didn’t accept his decisions on who to have in his life ?

As your son is also suspected ND, you might have to be brutally honest so he understands. Being gentle might be giving him false hope whereas a straight answer might help him start considering accepting things. Don’t give into events like Christmas as that’s giving him false hope and delaying the day that he will accept his parents being with other partners.
His sad feelings are valid but this isn’t something that can or should be “fixed” with a reconciliation. Write a private email to yourself to remind you why you broke up. Remind yourself of the loneliness and bad times and read this when you’re wavering. There’s solid reasons why things didn’t work out and while going back may seem like the solution to his unhappiness, it will create new problems (possibly with dd as well?)

Thanks so much for all taking the time to reply
it’s so hard to see DS so upset and ExH is promising the world so I feel so confused and lost

Remember talk is cheap. He can promise the world but he’s had years to show you and DC with his actions and he didn’t. In fact his continued emotional manipulation of DS shows exactly who he is

DS is upset but he’s a child and you are the adult. He simply doesn’t understand the complexity of adult relationships

My son is crying constantly - he is so worried about being an adult and not knowing where to live between me and his dad
The guilt is awful

This is a separate issue. The answer is not to get back together. Your son is old enough to be told to pack it in by now, quite frankly, having read all your posts.

And how are you reacting to this? What are you telling him?

Agree with this.

What type of learned toxic behaviour is your son victim of?
What has he been taught by this marriage?
Whining endlessly will grind someone down.
Tell him pack it in.
Tell him he can stay with his father if he is that confused.

Yes and I would further add that I expect DH would be aghast if DS actually came to live with him. What he wants is to move back in with you, DS & DD - not for DS to live with him without you there to do all the grunt parenting

As other posters have said OP, be the adult and tell your son to pack it in. Tell him clearly and firmly that you are not going to get back with his father, however much he moans and cries and makes a fuss, so it's time to get himself together and accept that this is life, and life isn't always the way we'd like it to be.

I realise that breaking up a family is hard OP, but I do think you're being a bit daft if you allow your son to manipulate you like this, and why should he get his own way when it will make both you and your daughter unhappy?

Loneliness and parenting struggling teens are hard.

Returning to your ex or continuing giving time and energy to a new man many miles away won’t help with either of those things.

Did you say your son is 15? In two or three years time he will be an adult and probably off to uni. You have to think of yourself.

And this too.

Who wins if you crack under the whining of father and son?

It certainly won't be you and your daughter!

I don’t know how to stop ExH impacting DS the way he is by constantly being upset around him or talking to him about plans to “ get our family back “

At 15, I can’t stop DS seeing him and I’m sure that would make DS hate me even more than he already does at the minute 😢

You can talk to your son, as has been suggested on this thread.

You can tell your ex that you never want to get back together with him, and that he’s being a shit father, his behaviour is negatively impacting your son and he needs to pull himself together and act like a fucking parent.

Assert yourself, draw your boundaries. Stop doing…what you’re currently doing.

I feel family counselling would be useful for yourself and your two children. Your son should understand that his father is being emotionally abusive and unfair by using him this way. He should understand that this behaviour is unacceptable and why mirroring it, also makes his own actions unfair.

If things become completely unworkable, I would be moving DS in with his father.

I have done this with DS many times - unfortunately it all reverts back every time he sees his dad upset which I feel I have no control over

You’ve told him this?

Your son should understand that his father is being emotionally abusive and unfair by using him this way. He should understand that this behaviour is unacceptable and why mirroring it, also makes his own actions unfair.

Your son is old enough for proper conversations, and to be told that you’re a person who deserves happiness and his father doesn’t make you happy. Expecting you to go back to make him or his father happy is unfair of him. It sounds as though you’ve been placating, not asserting boundaries.

Similarly, it doesn’t sound like you’ve lost your shit, asked your DH what he’s playing at and categorically stated that you do not and will never again want to be with him, so to STOP. There seems to be a lot of guilt, tears and handwringing. This is what you need to stop. I say this with kindness, but you’re coming across as a woman who has been conditioned to appease.

Also, you seem to be framing this as either ‘go back to husband’ or ‘be with new man’. You can (and probably should) just be single for a while. Your (literal and metaphorical) proximity to a man should not define you to the extent it currently seems to. You are an adult with agency and should be focussing on building a rich full life for yourself as an individual. Why aren’t you doing that?

I absolutely have had terrible arguments ( I try to do them over messages so the children don’t hear ) about all of this with exH
I’m met with the same stuff - that I’m the one causing this damage by breaking up the family / he’s changed etc etc etc and then the cycle continues the next time he sees DS

Youre right about the new man thing - I can’t seem to fathom the thought of being alone completely

I have ADHD and a major fear of abandonment / RSD so maybe this plays a part as well as a very emotionally avoidant parent

OP you say in the quote above that, 'I have done this with DS many times - unfortunately it all reverts back every time he sees his dad upset which I feel I have no control over', you DO have control!! As soon as your DS starts, you just say to him 'DS, we've discussed this before, and I am now at my limit. I have told you many times that you Father and I will NOT be getting back together, and I mean it. So please do NOT bring it up again! Then the next time he brings it up, say 'I've told you before, that this is NOT going to happen', and then change the subject with something like, 'now, what do you fancy for tea tonight?' OR 'I was thinking of going to (name a place) on holiday this year/next year, what do you think?' If he refuses to engage, then tell him that he knows your position on this, and as he doesn't seem to be listening, he should go to his room, until he can think of something else to talk to you about, as enough is ENOUGH!

You really DO have to shut him down on this OP! Stop letting HIM control the narrative, YOU are the parent here, and you need to parent him, and while I know you feel guilty about breaking up the family, allowing your DS to carry on like this is just dragging it all out for everyone. Get yourself some backbone, and be firm with him, it will be good for BOTH of you!

"I'm met wit the same stuff - I’m the one causing this damage by breaking up the family / he’s changed etc etc etc and then the cycle continues the next time he sees DS"

This is emotional blackmail and it means that your ex knows full well the damage he is inflicting on your son, and he is doing it deliberately to blackmail you.

Gently, if this doesn't give you a kick up the arse to end this situation, I don't know what will.

Where are you up to on divorce proceedings? I think this is something that you need to start/accelerate immediately.

Feeling lonely, neurodiversity perhaps complicating your emotional needs/landscape, an emotionally distant parent and their imapct - all these things can be worked through and solutions found for the longer term. However, your first priority needs to be to END this marriage, END any pretence of a maybe-happy-family still in there who enjoy Christmas, END your ex's ability to inflict this pain on your son.

Your daughter is already glad that her dad's no longer in the house. Your son may be fnd things tough and may need more support, but dragging this maybe situation on is actively harming him.

OP, have you considered getting any counselling for your DS? You've spoken about having therapy yourself, but it may be beneficial for DS to have someone independent to talk to who is not involved in the situation. He can speak openly and honestly about his feelings and the conflicts he's feeling.

Your ex could do with some counselling himself by the sound of it. I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that he's emotionally abusing his son.

You are not responsible for your exh behaviour, he is. He knows what he is doing and he is deliberately choosing to hurt your son.
Tell your exh that he is entitled to feel however he feels but he is not entitled to act the way he is choosing to act. That he is making the active choice to hurt his son and ask him why on earth does he think you would choose to be with someone who deliberately harms his own child? Would he want his children to be with someone who deliberately tries to destroy them?
Your son is 15, not yet an adult but not a young child. You can talk to him. Tell him that his dad is not a bad person but that the way he is acting is dreadful. That he is choosing to act this way and he can very much "help it". Tell your son you love him but you cannot return to the way things were. That what we want isn't always the best thing for us. That it is your job, as a parent, to do what is best even if it is hard.
Listen to the posters above who went back (as the adult or the child). Not one of them said that it was the right thing to do.
It's hard but, as a Mum, do you really think going back is the right thing for either child?

Thank you
I needed the hard truths here - I’ll reply later as taking DS out for a day together so we can chat and spend time