to ask for help before I go back to ex husband?

[PleaseHelp0]

Split with my husband last spring and he moved back to his parents house

DS 14 took this terribly
DD 15 asked why it took so long

We split custody and shared Xmas together as DS begged us to and DH is living with his very elderly parents who were inwell with flu so the kids couldn’t visit him there over that period

Anyway for me it was a long time coming, I felt very very lonely as we are very different characters and he doesn’t enjoy being out much or talking ( he now feels he is ASD and is awaiting a private diagnosis - DD is ASD so could be a genetic link there )

I met someone else in October through work and feel very strongly about him but we have a 3 hour round trip between us and he has full time custody of his 4 children so neither of us can merge together anytime soon and I haven’t mentioned I’m to the children so only see him when they’re at their dads

I am now starting to miss the family unit a lot, my ex still is very upset which sadly shows to the children and my son keeps asking me to try again as his dad has changed

I feel so guilty and responsible and no amount of therapy has helped me accept this really

I hate the damage it’s caused to my son and to my relationship with my son

Has anyone else been here with any advice?

No
In all honesty I think it’s the lack of security and dare I say company that is also clouding my judgment

A few have mentioned this so will answer as best I can

DD is autistic and highly suspect dad is too as they are peas in a pod
This has actually made it very hard for them to bond - DD needs someone else to initiate conversation / ideas as DH didn’t do that at all
He just couldn’t seem to do it no matter how much I pleaded with him to try harder with her - it just didn’t come naturally for him to be spontaneous or take her out for the day without me micromanaging it all so their relationship became strained with just very little to do with one another even though under one roof

It was actually part of the reason the final argument happened as I had asked him for years to tell the kids he loved them now and again, maybe just at bedtime ( I grew up with a very emotionally distant mother and was worried about the impact the general lack of affection may have on the kids ) so he started saying it at bedtime and DD said she was not an idiot and it was slewed he has been instructed to do it by me
Which was true 😢

I think I’m struggling as If he is autistic then a lot of the things I wanted to do in rje marriage, even just going for a walk and coffee may well have been too much for him so then I just feel horrible

Your DS is going to be an adult soon and moving out and doing his own thing. At which point you will be left having gone back to your ex-husband and be tied to him without the family unit that you think is what is going to make it bearable.

I dont think leaving is the hardest part, I think it is the trying to rebuild a life afterwards. It can seem so much more simple to just go back, but you will never get what you want by doing that OP.

Look after yourself, take your time. Can you maybe have a chat with your ex where you explain getting back together is off the cards, but you'd still like to do things as a family- a trip to a theme park, or Sunday lunch once a month?

If you had asked this before you left given the ages of your children I would have advised waiting it out until he was finished school

However it’s too late to go back

Let your son know you both love him dearly and that you still love each other but just not in a husband and wife sense

Possibly consider doing things monthly with your son and ex like lunch out or something

You must encourage your ex to stop burdening your son with his woes as that will only hurt your son more and he will not be able to move forward

Just because he has asd it doesn’t mean you should go back because essentially his behaviours are probably quite fixed. That isn’t his fault but he might be better suited to the single life even if it’s not what he wants

I left (now XH) for about 18 months. He isn't DS's father, but DS regarded him as such. DS's father died while I was PG so XH was only father he'd known. XH & DS were miserable about the split & I was persuaded to give the marriage another go. BIG MISTAKE! XH hadn't changed, I was very unhappy & we ended up splitting after about a year later. We've been divorced for about 10 years now & I'm happily remarried to my lovely DH.

I think I’m struggling as If he is autistic then a lot of the things I wanted to do in the marriage, even just going for a walk and coffee may well have been too much for him so then I just feel horrible

Okay, but I think you need to get over this. He doesn't have a diagnosis even now, so how were you supposed to magically know what he could or could not cope with? You have an autistic DC, so yes, quite possibly he is, but how could you have known that in advance?

Also, with regard to considering getting back with him, those things you mention about wanting to go for a walk together or grab a coffee are very basic and normal things that most couples do together. It really isn't too much to ask that you want a partner with whom you can do those very normal things. Forcing yourself to return to a man who doesn't meet your social needs is not a good idea for either of you. He's not going to change and neither are you. Stop feeling guilty and beating yourself up, because that doesn't help anyone.

And FGS stop feeling like you have to accommodate everyone else's lives and preferences and subjugate your own in the process! You are allowed to be happy! You're allowed to seek out a partner who meets your needs! And if you don't believe those things, what you need is therapy, not to return to a man who doesn't meet your needs.

Personally I wouldn’t insist on the language of stating ‘I love you’ if his actions and care showed that. I don’t recall a lot of I love yous as a child - or adult from my parents but they show they love and care in conversation, attention and interest in my life. In the activities we do etc. I know I’m loved even without the words so it sounds like you may have been projecting some of your own issues into the relationship.

going back won’t fix the issues. I’d be honest with your children in that you didn’t feel loved or appreciated by him etc but that’s not to say he’s a bad person etc - it’s just that he doesn’t make you happy.

your children may leave him in the next 3 years - would they want you trapped in an unhappy home after that?

If your DS is NT then the next few years will see him focusing on himself and his friends not parents as there’s a natural separation that happens in late teens. you are going to have spells of feeling lonely but you were also lonely in your relationship. If you can make clear boundaries to your ex and DS there is nothing to stop you being friendly Co-parents but also make it clear the romantic relationship has run its course. Maybe your DS would benefit from some counselling, especially if he feels responsible for dads happiness and that dad needs looking after. He needs to understand that’s not his job. The first Xmas is always tough but the next one will be easier. Work on being happy and confident single, make new traditions, and plan new adventures for the 3 of you. Your DS may feel guilty about his dad but he will also appreciate a home that is happy and stable and fun and where he’s encouraged to put himself first - which once he’s into exam years he may realise is the priority. It’s still really early days when everyone is still adjusting.

Possibly this was my issue as I have always been scared of the kids feeling unloved like i did.

But he didn’t show much interest in anything she did - I don’t know how much was a lack of motivation and now much is awkwardness

Much better with DS as DS leads most of the conversations as is very loud and bubbly

Was it harder leaving the second time around?
it took so much for him to leave this time I can’t Imagine him ever agreeing to leave again ( private rental )

So you'd get back together to make your ds happier, knowing it would make your dd unhappier?

Definitely don't go back. It sounds like your ex is actually being really quite unfair on your son, involving him too heavily in your relationship and putting pressure on him. Your son's reaction is related to that more than the actual split. He needs you to be strong and boundaried and let him know he's not the one who has to help/make decisions for his adult parents. I think when he's older he will understand more.

I think I'd just keep saying that he doesn't know the full story, his Dad will be OK and it'll take time and don't let him see you swaying on your decision. Whether the issue is your ex's ASD or something else, I don't think you'll ever be happy with him and you can't just give him the rest of your life to make him happy. Even if you wanted to, it won't work out.

It is hard to know if DD would actually be affected either way to be honest so maybe that’s why I feel as long as she’s got me, she’s okay.

She wasn’t upset when he was here, just had little to do with him so didn’t understand why DS was so traumatised bu the split.

She would have been if it was me leaving the house 100%

This is a very good response and matches a lot of what my head knows - it’s my heart struggling but my head agrees with all you say

I have had many a cross message exchange with exH about the impact it’s having on DS with the way he’s behaving but he says he can’t help it, he’s broken hearted and will never recover.

I can’t stop DS seeing him at 15 because his dad is upset when he’s there so I feel trapped in this cycle of then wondering if I should just go back.

DS does have some rigid behaviours and is on the pathway for an ASD assessment too so this could be altering his ability to accept the change in dynamic

I have had many a cross message exchange with exH about the impact it’s having on DS with the way he’s behaving but he says he can’t help it, he’s broken hearted and will never recover.

urgh!! I mean just no! How incredibly selfish exH is being. He absolutely could change his behaviour he just chooses not too. He’s weaponising his own child to get you to do what he wants

do not get back with him!!

It would be foolish to get back with your ex. You’re delaying the inevitable unhappiness and placing a lot of responsibility on your son which is unfair. Would you dd accept you rekindling anyway? You shouldn’t have been bullied into a joint Christmas either. Unless you bully your son and control who he is friends with, he has no say.

When I split with my ex, my dd went full on feeling sorry for her dad mode even though she knew that the marriage ended because of him (infidelity) Is it possible that your son feels sorry for his dad? My dd imagined her dad feeling lonely and sad that he wasn’t around the kids any more but settled down when she saw that he was absolutely fine and loving life without kids.

Why are you placing more importance on your son’s rather than daughter’s feelings ? Considering that even she could see that he was a shit husband, you should be relieved to be out of that relationship and wake up. Your relationship with their dad will affect their future relationships and you’d be setting a terrible example going back to a man who lacks affection. You will also lose your DD’s respect if you go back. You don’t want to teach your son that if he nags a woman enough then they will do as he says.

Tell your ex to stop emotionally manipulating your son. It’s cruel and unfair on everyone. Your ex is damaging your relationship with your son and not your decision to take control of your life.

He really is being terribly unfair on both of you. I have some experience of this with my ex and I just had to have very very strong boundaries and resist getting drawn in at all. Lots of grey rock. I'd maybe think about therapy for you and your DS if you can.

What if you go back, realise you made a huge mistake and then have to put your children through a separation all over again? I wouldn’t do it

It sounds as if the things that made you leave the marriage will all still be there if you go back Op. Your DH says he'll change but lots of men say that, he might change for a while then you'll be back where you started.
I think your new man's just a diversion for you Op, 3 hrs away with 4 DC would be way too much, your DC would find that far too much to cope with.

Its 90 mins each way so a 3 hour round trip but I absolutely have no intention of moving or trying to blend anything at all

I only see him when the children go to their dads but the instability of this relationship is potentially making me miss the stability of what I had - even though it was unfulfilling most of the time

This is my biggest biggest worry
DS said this morning “ Please just think about it “ and I said this actually but he then got angry and said I wasn’t even giving his dad a chance when he has changed so it’s not fair 💔

I have told him over and over again but he doesn’t listen - I don’t know what I can do if he does this everytime the kids go to him 😢

Im not placing more importance- DD doesn’t get emotional easily so seems pretty unaffected either way as long as she’s got me which is why it feels like I am only seeing the terrible reaction from DS

@PleaseHelp0 has he actually changed though? Or is he seeking a diagnosis in an attempt to excuse the issues that led to the split as not his fault?

I understand your stuck between 2 children's views, they are both at an age whether their own feelings and demands on the world are heightened so i get it, but what makes your sons happiness in you getting back together more important than yours and your daughters relief that it's now over? What if you get back together and you regret it? Would your sons pressure to keep you together stop you leaving next time?

You can be damned sure he hasn't changed and the relationship with the other one sounds awful too. Why not just be on your own for a bit and see how it goes.

My parents split when I was 11 and brother 13. They were apart for almost 18 months and both had new relationships. Then they decided they needed to try again. We moved across the country, both children new schools. Within a week they apparently knew it wasn’t working but made us all pretend for a further 12 weeks. Both went back to their new partners when they realised the same issues still existed.

it was a fucking shambles