to ask for help before I go back to ex husband?

[PleaseHelp0]

Split with my husband last spring and he moved back to his parents house

DS 14 took this terribly
DD 15 asked why it took so long

We split custody and shared Xmas together as DS begged us to and DH is living with his very elderly parents who were inwell with flu so the kids couldn’t visit him there over that period

Anyway for me it was a long time coming, I felt very very lonely as we are very different characters and he doesn’t enjoy being out much or talking ( he now feels he is ASD and is awaiting a private diagnosis - DD is ASD so could be a genetic link there )

I met someone else in October through work and feel very strongly about him but we have a 3 hour round trip between us and he has full time custody of his 4 children so neither of us can merge together anytime soon and I haven’t mentioned I’m to the children so only see him when they’re at their dads

I am now starting to miss the family unit a lot, my ex still is very upset which sadly shows to the children and my son keeps asking me to try again as his dad has changed

I feel so guilty and responsible and no amount of therapy has helped me accept this really

I hate the damage it’s caused to my son and to my relationship with my son

Has anyone else been here with any advice?

Sorry OP just seen your question.

Oh yes MUCH easier leaving for 2nd time.

At the time I worked full time & earned significantly more than him. One evening I commented that I was just a housekeeper who paid their own wages & who he could have sex with. He hesitated before refuting this - long enough for me to go upstairs and start to make the spare bed up for him to sleep in.

I didn't look back. I rented a lovely little flat within walking distance of my work and discovered a social life that I hadn't had while with XH.

In contrast XH left his job for something better (and then found it wasn't what he expected so resigned) & has had 2 short-lived relationships. My DS tells me he is unemployed, skint, lonely & miserable. I've pointed out to DS that is XH's problem not mine. He's made his bed....😉

How are things

This was my thread but I lost my login details

I made a massive mistake and let ex move home

i couldn’t go through with being intimate with him and it all blew up again and he lefr

Son hates me even more - he completely boycotted Mother’s Day and is either furious with me or crying most days despite seeing his dad 3 times a week

God knows what ExH is feeding him but son refuses to engage with therapy and I’m just at a complete loss what to do anymore

Looking at this simply I would say to end your current relationship as it’s not really fulfilling what you need and definitely do not go back to the ex husband!

I think it is time your son moved in with your husband.
Insist upon it.
You are being abused by both of them.

Unfortunately despite being told not to take him back you weakened and this is the result.
I think you need to own that to your son and tell him and your husband it will NEVER happen again.

It absolutely brought nothing but huge extra drama to the situation.

Your husband doesn't give a shit about you.
His sole focus is what he wants.

I think you need to harden up and get real.
Tell your son that his behaviour can no longer continue.
He is unhappy so perhaps he should live with Dad.
Let your husband deal with them.

Some sons who have been raised in a toxic environment are very adept at modelling really awful behaviour towards their mother.

He may only be 15 but I think he is being used by his father and you need to stop reacting, discussing your marriage with him and suggest he stay with his father.

My sympathy is with your daughter and yourself.

You know what? I think Mumsnet is generally a place for people to shit on men and I try to stick up for them whenever I feel the need to ‘tip the balance’ a bit. But you’re absolutely right here, the son does need to be given a genuine offer to move out.

@PleaseHelp0 it hurts me to say it, but @Chillibeds is correct.

And I know I replied to the post and it has been doubled in length, but maybe that’s a good thing.

At 15 your son should be given an input in to where he lives. Has he said he wants to stay with you?
I would talk to him and suggest that as, he is so unhappy living with you, that it may best he moves in with his Dad. You obviously want your son to be happy and this may be the best available (or least worst) solution.
You all can't carry on like this.

Sorry for the late reply.
I took the children away for a long weekend and even here in the bloody New Forest ExH is causing issues

Constantly calling DS and getting upset if DS doesn’t answer or reply to messages quickly, leaving stupid voice notes saying “ I wish I could be there with my family but your mum won’t let me “
DD has now blocked him as she’s had enough of being made to feel guilty for something that’s not her decision and DS has obviously been crying and feeling very sorry for his dad

I gave DS the option to live with his dad and he said no

The reasoning apart from loving the home he grew up in and leaving his pets behind was that his dad isn’t able to do any school runs

This has obviously been said by ExH which doesn’t surprise me whatsoever as for the last 10 years I have purposely had to work part time, term time only to accommodate all he school runs and ExH is clearly not willing to change anything his end to be able to help with those.

We live very remotely and DD has ASD and very high social anxiety so travelling alone isn’t an option - easy for him to cause chaos as long as he can walk back into the office Monday whilst I’ve picking up the pieces

Bless you OP. I'm sorry you were pressured into taking him back - please stand firm and don't ever do this again.

I identify with your daughter here. When my parents split my mother used to wonder aloud to me whether she had done the right thing, and talk about going back to my dad (usually after arguments with her bf). Now I'm not suggesting you are doing that, starting the conversations. But the air of uncertainty is still there in your home. My older sibling wanted my parents back together. I (who had unwittingly discovered a marital affair which my siblings did not know about) desperately did not.

I used to have nightmares about my parents getting back together, when my life had finally settled down. The fear stayed for a long time. I recognise now it was specially a fear of further changes.

My father was similar. Blamed my mother - guilt tripped us as children to speak to her and ask for her back etc. it's disgusting behaviour. I barely speak to him these days wheras my mother and I are very close.

It's time to draw a very very firm line in the sand. You are split - forever. There is, and will never be, any going back. Your son has a home for life with you - should he choose. He is welcome to live with his father - if his father can't or won't enable that that is on HIM not you.

I find it distressing that your son is already afraid of whose home he will choose as an adult. Certainly the usual route of things is neither of you? I would stress this to your son. He has a forever home with you, but you will never stop him living with his father if he wants to. However, you won't factitilate it - your ex needs to make that feasible if it is what he wants. Your son will grow up and realise your ex CBA to make that a reality.

Stress to your son that when he is an adult he will have his own life to live. Choosing a parent to reside with as a young adult will likely be a very short and small part of that life, if it happens at all. Explain he can look to get a houseshare, go to uni, get a job, rent a flat somewhere. When he shows excitement for this future, gently explain that as an adult you are living that future now. You have the right to live with who you want too.

I would cut contact with your ex way down. Only reply to important, necessary messages regarding the children. No arguments. Hard line - our relationship is over and I'm not entertaining discussion of it. Ignore messages that aren't critical and about the children.

Good luck.

I'm not sure why your DH left again, did you ask him to leave or did he just go? It sounds like he's still blaming you but he got what he wanted then left again. If he left why is he still upsetting your DS all the time. Obviously you don't have to answer @PleaseHelp0 if it's too personal, I just don't understand his behaviour, he winds your poor DS up then says he can't live with him because of school runs

Have you spoken to your son about the difference between a dad and a husband?

so while ex is ds’ father, to you he is a husband. And a husband is very very different to a dad.

so while ds may want to be with his dad. You, are unhappy with your husband as he is not being a husband to you. Even if he is being a dad to ds.

does that make sense?

I couldn’t have sex with him when he had returned home
It started a big argument about me not trying hard enough and I realised I just couldn’t do it no matter how much I wanted to make things stable for DS
He left after that argument but has continued to repeat he wants me back, would come back in a heartbeat etc so long as I’m prepared to “ make the effort “

Absolutely makes sense and I’ve repeated this to DS over and over again
I do suspect he’s possibly ND as DD is and likely ExH who thinks he’s on the spectrum so I wonder if this makes it much harder for him to separate it all
DS seems to see the family unit as one and isn’t able to see any separate components at all

Thank you @PleaseHelp0 . Your answer is just what I expected, after all the crying, love letters, making your poor DS so unhappy, he came home and there was no trying to make you happier or understand your reluctance for sex, no changed man, he expected to come back and pretend nothing ever happened. He left again but it's still all your fault (according to him) because you won't "make an effort or try harder".
He doesn't get it Op, he liked his life just the way it was and that's what he wants back. I think for you it's the end this time, you've proved to yourself there's no going back.
What he's doing now is harrassment, he's alienating you from your DS to try and force you back. It's so sad your DS can't see his own father is using him.

OP, I know you said that you made a mistake and let him come back, but can I please ask what made you do that?

Now that he's gone again, I think you need to make it very clear to him and your DS that this is THE END, IT'S OVER, AND HE'S NOT COMING BACK, WHATEVER HE OR ANYONE ELSE SAYS!

If your son starts talking about you getting back together again, tell him that you tried this for his sake, and once again his DF left, which proves that he hasn't changed in spite of what he might want everyone to believe. Therefore, you want to hear no more about it. Be VERY clear about this to your DS. He needs to understand that continuing to browbeat you about getting his family back together, is now out of order, you've tried it, it didn't work out. THE END!! Ask him how he feels when you keep telling him to do something, it might be his homework, or something else that he doesn't like doing, and so puts it off, and you keep having to remind him. So for example 'How does it make you feel when I keep nagging you to do your homework?' If he doesn't answer, then go on to say 'It's annoying, isn't it?' Then point out that what he's doing to you is 100 times worse, and that it now needs to stop. Be firm about it OP. I totally get that you feel sorry for him, but for everyone's sake, this going back and forth, and constantly talking about it, isn't allowing any of you to move on with your lives.

Also, have you done anything yet about taking up some new interests that will get you out of the house, and give you the opportunity to start meeting some new people? Not necessarily another man, but making new friends will help you stop feeling lonely, so when you get home, make a commitment to yourself to sit down and plan what you're going to do, and then do it.

I think you need to contact Women's aid for advice.

I would stop being understanding with your son and get real

Tell him that if he doesn't cop on you will seek outside help to have him removed from the home and his father will have to take him in.

It is not a relationship with our children at ANY cost.

He needs it spelt out to him that you are done with his father and you are done listening to him crying.

He is 15, not 5.

He is only going to get a lot worse as he grows because of the toxicity of the example of his father growing up.

Bite the bullet now znd deal with him now.

This has really hit a nerve
I would be absolutely devastated if DS was behaving like his dad later in life
He is 15 but behaves much much younger maturity wise - so hard to know what is possibly from being ND ( he’s on the pathway ) and what is actually learnt behaviour

Things have to change and I need to massively toughen up for everyone’s best interests I think

Does your ex live with his parents, can you talk to them about the effect your ex’s behaviour is having on your son?

I also agree with @Chillibeds that seeking advice from women’s aid might be a good idea. Your ex is manipulative and is causing harm to your son with his behaviour. He has proven that he hasn’t changed because he left again, and at 15 I think you need to spell this out to your DS in black and white.

You really really do.
For your don and daughter.
If it steels your resolve to frame it as doing it for them rather than yourself, then do that.

Whatever about his immaturity, he is on a really toxic path.
He will not suddenly wake up from this path.
Far more likely he becomes a more demanding, hysterical, dominant force in your home indisting he gets his way.

I wouldn't have him around your daughter if he continues like this.

He is the image of his father, refusing point blank to accept No.

Your daughter needs to see you hold your nerve and not give in to this toxicity.

The alternative is she ends up modeling your ground down by a man persona, and your son ends up a bully who has to have his own way at any cost.

Save your daughter by telling your son to STFU and accept your decision or move the hell out.

This drama has gone on far to long. Enough.
Speak to Women's aid and if necessary contact SS about your son.
Protect your daughter.

Could couples therapy help ?
ASD might be a big factor here
Loves you but doesn’t know how to show
If you still love him perhaps you could make it work? Start slowly with therapy & days out as a family maybe ? And as a couple ?
your MH comes first though OP , need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else, ie your kids

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS OP!

Start giving him and your DS any hope whatsoever at this stage and you'll be back to square one. Your last post nailed it when you said that you 'need to massively toughen up for everyone’s best interests'.