To report what a comedian said to me 6 years ago

[Redspottyfrog]

Was at a works do at a hotel in a certain north west town, very famous for entertainment and shows and such, and they had a guy on telling jokes and introducing various forms of entertainment.
He was not funny at all and was being very crude (I am not a prude but that way he was doing it was just yuck)

anyway he catches sight of me and yells “omg look at the size of those knockers, they are huge” everyone laughs while I die a little inside.
he then proceeds to get 3 blokes up on stage to “check me out”. These blokes are looking me up and down like I am a piece of meat.

The guy then asked me to stand up and jump up and down so they bounce so the men can have a really good luck. At this stage I get up and walk out and the guy is shouting what a prude I am and for goodness sake love it was only a laugh.

I am in tears at this stage and go back to my room in the hotel. I phone my husband who insists on coming to get me even though it was a two hour drive. None of my colleagues came to check on me. When husband gets there I am waiting for him and he tries to insist he goes into the hotel and demands to speak to someone but I get in that much of a state he just gives me a hug and takes me home.

the worst thing is I did not do anything, I did not complain I just wanted to put it behind me. Also my colleagues really took the piss and I ended up leaving (luckily it was a job I was only doing a few hours at to make some extra money)

the reason it is playing on my mind is all these allegations coming out about certain male celebs. I am awake now thinking about it. I know this guy is not a celeb but he actually still works at this hotel and does the Christmas cabaret shows so he has no doubt done this to other women. I have always been angry at myself for not doing anything and a still have the odd nightmare about it. Do I make a complaint now or just accept it’s too late and in the past

Who is it?

6 years ago?
Part and parcel of many comedy shows that they heckle the audience, you got up and left, it was done when you left, I'd be asking why you're still dwelling on this.

I wonder what the reaction would be if a comedian picked on a trans person in the audience?

Both the reaction in the audience and if that person had commented on here?

If you're still upset about it - and he sounds like a little shit of a bully to be honest- the best thing is to leave a scathing review. Not emotional; just rip him up. Describe what he did factually as a warning to other women. Don't mention it was six years ago. He did it and that's enough.

This is how men still manage to denegrate women and stay in control, under the banner of humour or that old chestnut "banter". Getting three men up on the stage to "check you out"? For fuck sake. Any woman who doesn't laugh along with these vile dinosaurs is, even in this day and age, branded as frigid or a lesbian or probably going through the change. It makes me want to puke. I'm so sorry you were verbally assaulted (because that's what it was) and humiliated in this way OP.

Right.

AIBU has always been favoured by the more tabloid-reading crowd.

I'd report him to the police for sexual harassment, and let the hotel know you've done so.

Women, particularly those from lower educated backgrounds, have been conditioned to believe this is OK. Would they like to see their daughters sexually harrassed in this way, for the benefit of a room full of men to find "hiliarious" and get a cheap thrill leching at their daughter's tits? I guess they probably would - sigh.

Write down in a letter to him and his management how it made you feel. Write it raw with anger, sadness, shame. Tell them what you lost because of his actions.
Imagine them reading it in the current climate of court cases and imagine them trying to laugh it off, then feeling a creeping feeling of fear and anxiety, thinking about all the worst things they have done over the years and them realising that their victims have power and a voice.
Then decide if you want to send it. Either is ok.

Yes and to be fair they have to hang out with some bloody awful men.

That said sexually harassing arseholes are to be found in all strata of society.

Are you serious! It was sexual harassment not a mainstream bbc comedy 😂 not the same thing!!

That's very true. Women from less educated backgrounds are going to, generally, be with men of a similar demographic. So the trope is reinforced and perpetuated in their worlds and for subsequent generations. It's also true that there are sexually harrassing male creeps at all levels of society. However, better educated women are far less likely to just accept it, let alone find them funny.

You didn't overreact, nor should you have been flattered. The actions of this sexist, misogynistic pig were not flattering in the slightest and it must've been so humiliating and degrading for you to be subjected to that.

Unfortunately, you want to 'react' six years later and it'll be hard to prove, which won't help you move on. The witnesses, your colleagues all found it funny which says a lot about the kind of people they are, so it's unlikely they're going to be positive witnesses for you. But, having said that, you have nothing to lose by complaining to the hotel management about him. It may even prove cathartic getting it all out in a complaint. And you never know, the hotel management may have had other complaints as I bet you're not the only woman he's done this to 😡

You did't overreact at all. What happened was horrific and horrible, and compounded by your colleague's responses to you. I think the reason this is still eating you up is because inside yourself you feel you ought to have protected yourself on the night and you didn't. Perhaps a part of you has been feeling voiceless and really wants to change into becoming more assertive and able to have your own back? This feeling reminds you of that night.

Maybe try doing some reading about finding your voice, feeling confident to speak up when something makes you uncomfortable or when people bully you (which is what the colleagues and the comedian did). I don't know if there's a backstory in your life about where your traits have come from but it might be worth exploring either by yourself through reading and mediation or through a short course of counselling?

@Redspottyfrog I hope you have returned to the thread and seen the many posts re-assuring you that you did NOT over react and that the comedian's behaviour is insulting and humiliating - not flattering!

@Cotonsugar "This type of “humour” was common in the 1970s/80s. Unbelievable that picking on women’s bodies was thought to be so funny."

For you-and the many on here who appear to have difficulty with reading, comprehension and mathematics-this incident happened in 2019.

You didn’t overreact OP, you actually handled it well by walking out, and it’s no surprise that the horrible experience stayed with you. I wouldn’t complain now because too much time has passed and I don’t think the hotel would take any action. It’s nice to think that he would feel bad if he knew that he’d upset you, but based on this story I doubt that he would - he might even get a kick out of it given he’s clearly a pig. Hold your head high and know that you stood up for yourself well.

PS your previous coworkers sound like dicks as well. As long as it wasn’t a valuable job then sounds like it was also a good decision to move on from that.

I understood, thank you. I was just saying what was common back then. Unbelievable that it still happens and people accept it😐

I know what you mean. This is not as bad as what happened to the OP but it's akin to it. A few years ago (before lockdown, so about the same time as this event the OP talks about) I was out with friends and went to the bar. There was a Macmillan cake sale on and I was looking at some of the cakes to buy and remarked on the muffins. There were two 50-something men with their wives nearby and one of them said that he liked the look of my friend's muffins all the while staring at her tits and looking like that leery Les Dawson character. Neither of the women batted an eyelid - had it been my husband, some very strong words would have been had. I was ashamed for all of them that they're like that. We mentioned it to the waitress and she just said "oh that's John we all know he's an arsole". So he was probably in the pub making inappropriate comments to women all the time and if that's what he said in front of his wife, God knows what he said when it was just the "lads" and their "bantz". Hate hate hate guys like that.

If he’d said something gross to you privately, I would tell you to report it, but seeing as a whole room full of people heard him, the hotel management presumably knows he’s like this. And they already know you weren’t happy about it because you left. Apparently, they didn’t care.

I’d leave detailed bad reviews for the comedian wherever possible, because that’s more likely to have an impact than telling the hotel management what they already know - that he made those comments and you were (rightfully) offended.

You have the power to out him right here and now OP. Just say who he is and the name of the hotel.

What a horrible experience.

Oh ignore the silly responses from the “I don’t understaaaaand what the problem is” brigade.
Of course what he did wasn’t acceptable.

That said it’s probably too late to do anything about it now. Try and put it behind you.

I know it's not the same thing but a comedian on the street that had attracted a large crowd ripped the piss out of me once, I wasn't even in the crowd i was walking past. He said something about my appearance in particular my clothing that was offensive and everyone stared and laughed, I was so embarrassed. It made me incredibly self conscious and I still remember my cheeks burning and wanting to cry, that was about 20 years ago. What you describe OP is so humiliating, I'm not surprised it still lingers.

Now I am hazarding a guess here that this took place in Blackpool. I had a quick google and came across a review of a hotel where in 2016 a guest left a Trip Advisor comment about two comedians being racist and homophobic.