Page 9 | Please reassure me I did the right thing here

pleasehelpsostressed · 2025-02-13T23:20:36+00:00

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I? Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

IlooklikeNigella · 18/02/2025 10:23

Oh OP my heart has been in my mouth the whole time reading this thread and that was before I got to the update where you have had to flee for your own safety!

Your poor poor DSD. She must feel a myriad of emotions around abandoning her useless mother.

Are you safe for the moment? Keep posting here. You're not alone.

SlightlyJaded · 18/02/2025 10:33

This is horrific. But I am not entirely surprised to read the update.

OP - it has fallen to you and that's not really fair - but in your shoes I would be HOUNDING the police. The only reason that your DH ex isn't harmed right now is that she is minimising and appeasing. Almost certainly deep down, she is terrified of him but knows that vocalising that will be dangerous for her and she is trapped with him. Yes, she is being useless - but it's almost certainly driven by fear.

So now we have 1 x bully and numerous people in fear - including you, your DD, ex-wife and possibly your DH (quietly)

I wonder if DH messaging him might stop it escalating? It would have to be very straight forward / non superior (even though your DH IS superior by miles). Ideally something to diffuse him. NOT because you actually would send your DD back there, but actually to protect ex wife and hopefully give her the strength to see people are on her side if she chooses to leave.

Something like:

"We've taken your threats seriously so obviously made contact with the police. Our house is now under surveillance and your card is marked. I am telling you so that you are aware that if any harm should come to any of us - including ex wife - you will be brought straight in for questioning. I had always hoped we could maintain a civil relationship, but you must understand that I cannot tolerate threats against my daughter or myself. If you'd like to talk this through on the phone, I'm happy to try and find a way forward for my daughter's sake, but I will not allow her back into a home where violence is used and threats are being made. I'd like to resolve this between us, but if you choose to continue with threats - or attempt to make good on any of them - it will immediately become a police matter."

And would it be possible for someone to then try again to talk to ex and offer her some support to get rid?

Original poster

pleasehelpsostressed · 18/02/2025 10:45

The threats were issued over the phone, last night. DH was mid conversation with exW to discuss social services referrals etc, exW then said her husband wanted to speak to DH but "he's had a few drinks but doesn't want to argue". He comes on the phone and proceeds to repeatedly minimise and downplay his abusive behaviour and deflect the blame repeatedly onto DSD. He kept talking over DH etc. I could hear it all, so I spoke up after listening to this for 20-30 mins or so and I'd had enough. I pointed out that he was abusive and minimising this and that was out of order, and that he also owed DH an apology as a minimum for previous threats towards him. That was it. The second, and I mean second, he heard my voice and my tone, he switched. He went from 0-100 and started ranting like a lunatic about how he "doesn't appreciate" me speaking to him "like that" and then proceeded to shout over the top of me that I'd better be careful as I don't know how powerful he is and he's going "torch the fucking lot of us".

We rang the police obviously, DSD rang mum, who informed us he'd got in a car drunk and was on route to someone's house, who she's aware has access to firearms.

I vomited in fear. We left the house in a blind panic grabbing our 3 year old from her bed and the two older girls (plus eldest DD's friend who was staying with us), and went somewhere safe to a friends. The police came there for a statement, said they could secure our letter box and such like and put a marker on our address

I tried to get an update this morning on him- the police force dealing with him (different to the one dealing with us) are frankly appalling and useless, when I spoke to them a few hours ago it hadn't even been allocated to an officer yet. So no one knows where this man is and what he is planning.

I am utterly traumatised and his words are ringing around in my head. I'm so scared this man could kill or seriously harm my family and the police do not care.

Please let me wake up from this nightmare soon.

OP posts:

Original poster

pleasehelpsostressed · 18/02/2025 10:47

I'd hazard a guess he "didn't appreciate" a woman standing up to him because he'd rather bully woman and children. Hence his change in tone and threats the second I challenged him. The escalation from 0-100 was genuinely fucking terrifying

OP posts:

Original poster

pleasehelpsostressed · 18/02/2025 10:49

TagSplashMaverick · 18/02/2025 09:57

Re the police response, it does feel like they will wait for something catastrophic to happen before they act. When you’re the one under threat, it is devastating. Especially if you’re a woman at real risk from a man.

This is 100% what they are doing. They are failing us.

OP posts:

Gemmawemma9 · 18/02/2025 10:54

Did they not go after him when he was driving around drunk in his car? This is awful op.

girlwhowearsglasses · 18/02/2025 10:55

pleasehelpsostressed · 18/02/2025 10:45

The threats were issued over the phone, last night. DH was mid conversation with exW to discuss social services referrals etc, exW then said her husband wanted to speak to DH but "he's had a few drinks but doesn't want to argue". He comes on the phone and proceeds to repeatedly minimise and downplay his abusive behaviour and deflect the blame repeatedly onto DSD. He kept talking over DH etc. I could hear it all, so I spoke up after listening to this for 20-30 mins or so and I'd had enough. I pointed out that he was abusive and minimising this and that was out of order, and that he also owed DH an apology as a minimum for previous threats towards him. That was it. The second, and I mean second, he heard my voice and my tone, he switched. He went from 0-100 and started ranting like a lunatic about how he "doesn't appreciate" me speaking to him "like that" and then proceeded to shout over the top of me that I'd better be careful as I don't know how powerful he is and he's going "torch the fucking lot of us".

We rang the police obviously, DSD rang mum, who informed us he'd got in a car drunk and was on route to someone's house, who she's aware has access to firearms.

I vomited in fear. We left the house in a blind panic grabbing our 3 year old from her bed and the two older girls (plus eldest DD's friend who was staying with us), and went somewhere safe to a friends. The police came there for a statement, said they could secure our letter box and such like and put a marker on our address

I tried to get an update this morning on him- the police force dealing with him (different to the one dealing with us) are frankly appalling and useless, when I spoke to them a few hours ago it hadn't even been allocated to an officer yet. So no one knows where this man is and what he is planning.

I am utterly traumatised and his words are ringing around in my head. I'm so scared this man could kill or seriously harm my family and the police do not care.

Please let me wake up from this nightmare soon.

Gosh I am absolutely appaled at this man and so sorry for the nightmare you're going through. Keep on keeping on, but also maybe call your MP?

Original poster

pleasehelpsostressed · 18/02/2025 11:03

Gemmawemma9 · 18/02/2025 10:54

Did they not go after him when he was driving around drunk in his car? This is awful op.

No. They said they needed to transfer the job
to the police force for the adjacent area he comes under. The apparently couldn't send officers from our area to his area, despite this being only 9 miles away. We were told they needed our formal statements first before they could get anyone from the other police force to go after him. 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 18/02/2025 11:19

Oh OP, I've just read the full thread and it sounds absolutely terrifying! I hope you and the family are staying safe. You did the right thing! 💐

DazedDragon · 18/02/2025 11:24

pleasehelpsostressed · 18/02/2025 11:03

No. They said they needed to transfer the job
to the police force for the adjacent area he comes under. The apparently couldn't send officers from our area to his area, despite this being only 9 miles away. We were told they needed our formal statements first before they could get anyone from the other police force to go after him. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

This is absolutely shocking from the police force!

If he'd left in the car they should have had his reg number and stopped him.

Whatever happened to preventative policing rather than waiting until something actually happens to take action?!

Well done for keeping your DSD safe! It's so sad for her that her mum is choosing to side with an abuser rather than with her. I'm a teacher and have seen this happen a lot unfortunately.

TeddybearBaby · 18/02/2025 11:33

I feel like I should be shocked by the police but the sad thing is I’m not surprised. What a shit show. I think you’ll have to put in a complaint when you’re up to it. Diabolical

andweallsingalong · 18/02/2025 12:01

SlightlyJaded · 18/02/2025 10:33

This is horrific. But I am not entirely surprised to read the update.

OP - it has fallen to you and that's not really fair - but in your shoes I would be HOUNDING the police. The only reason that your DH ex isn't harmed right now is that she is minimising and appeasing. Almost certainly deep down, she is terrified of him but knows that vocalising that will be dangerous for her and she is trapped with him. Yes, she is being useless - but it's almost certainly driven by fear.

So now we have 1 x bully and numerous people in fear - including you, your DD, ex-wife and possibly your DH (quietly)

I wonder if DH messaging him might stop it escalating? It would have to be very straight forward / non superior (even though your DH IS superior by miles). Ideally something to diffuse him. NOT because you actually would send your DD back there, but actually to protect ex wife and hopefully give her the strength to see people are on her side if she chooses to leave.

Something like:

"We've taken your threats seriously so obviously made contact with the police. Our house is now under surveillance and your card is marked. I am telling you so that you are aware that if any harm should come to any of us - including ex wife - you will be brought straight in for questioning. I had always hoped we could maintain a civil relationship, but you must understand that I cannot tolerate threats against my daughter or myself. If you'd like to talk this through on the phone, I'm happy to try and find a way forward for my daughter's sake, but I will not allow her back into a home where violence is used and threats are being made. I'd like to resolve this between us, but if you choose to continue with threats - or attempt to make good on any of them - it will immediately become a police matter."

And would it be possible for someone to then try again to talk to ex and offer her some support to get rid?

Edited

I totally agree with the first half of this, but I really wouldnt contact him OP.

For 3 reasons:-

It could wind him up and escalate things. There is NO reasoning with crazy, ever.

It could easily be used in court by defence to show you aren't really that scared of him otherwise your DH would be avoiding all contact not initiating conversation.

Even if it worked (which I doubt) you don't really want that right now because you have police, social services, family court eyes focussed on him and needs to see it through. To watch how bad it gets. This is the only way to get the protection your SD needs. If he is pacified and behaves reasonably then the intensity of support and severity of restrictions on his contact with SD might be less. This would not be her best interests because he would kick off again and next time it would be worse. Better to let this time be worst and deal with it despite how bad it is.

rainbowstardrops · 18/02/2025 12:48

Bloody hell, the step dad is an absolute nutter! No wonder you're terrified!
If the mother doesn't step up for her daughter now then she doesn't deserve to be a mother.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 18/02/2025 12:56

Step away now - both of you - from his ex and her nutter bloke. Communication via solicitor only...

2025willbemytime · 18/02/2025 13:33

I am so sorry to read your update. I think texting him is a bad and dangerous idea. Don't make any contact with him.

I would be ringing the police, make a noise, go to the station. Then if that gets nowhere ask them for something in writing that they are 100% sure you are all safe. When they say they can't do that, say exactly, so why aren't you doing something?

Original poster

pleasehelpsostressed · 18/02/2025 13:39

No one is contacting him. The contact yesterday was between DH and exW to discuss DSD and the social services plan. He butted into that conversation. We'd never initiate contact with him directly. Incidentally, still no police update. So the psycho could be plotting anything currently, who knows. Believes he's untouchable and hey, he probably is, isn't he. Cos the police sure as hell aren't doing anything. So I've given up tbh. Too exhausted to do it anymore

OP posts:

PinkyFlamingo · 18/02/2025 13:56

I'm so sorry OP.

SlightlyJaded · 18/02/2025 14:19

I'm sorry OP, this is shit.

Perhaps my idea of a text from your DH wasn't great. It came from my experience of knowing two abusive/violent men, who would only listen to other men - not women, and who were actually quite thick so could be appeased a little if approached in a certain way (ie. Intelligent bloke saying things like 'we all want to be reasonable / noone wants this to escalate' to stupid thug, whilst simultaneously being clear that they are not afraid to involve police if need be). We also found that once the violence was witnessed outside of the home (so their true colours revealed to the outside world) they lost some of their power. I HAVE seen this approach work, but you know the players far better than me.

If you think this is a non-starter, I would urge you to continue pressing for police intervention. Because there is no way DD can go back there and I am genuinely worried for Ex Wife. Not to mention the fact that you are all now in fear of him. Become a PITA for the local police and put pressure on them to act.

PullTheBricksDown · 18/02/2025 14:22

Have you got a police and crime commissioner for your general area? I would be emailing them now with the sorry tale of this abysmal police response. Also your MP. I said earlier on the thread no wonder DV is still such a problem with police forces acting like this. It's even worse than I'd thought.

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 18/02/2025 14:23

I have never before said “contact your MP” but in this case I think you absolutely should.

LaineyCee · 18/02/2025 14:26

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 18/02/2025 14:23

I have never before said “contact your MP” but in this case I think you absolutely should.

Second this

IzzyHandsIsMySpiritAnimal · 18/02/2025 14:37

PullTheBricksDown · 18/02/2025 14:22

Have you got a police and crime commissioner for your general area? I would be emailing them now with the sorry tale of this abysmal police response. Also your MP. I said earlier on the thread no wonder DV is still such a problem with police forces acting like this. It's even worse than I'd thought.

Yes, this is a very good idea.
Local MPs can be a bit pathetic but this definitely something in their territory to raise.

Keep safe, OP

Original poster

pleasehelpsostressed · 18/02/2025 16:18

I'm considering walking away from DH, to keep myself and my girls safe. DH and his exW / kids are the only link to this psychopath. Removing myself means I can protect my girls, doesn't it? I can't live like this, I truly can't.

OP posts:

Anonforthis58 · 18/02/2025 16:22

I’d be back on the phone to the police to be honest - ask for a crime reference number. This should be dealt with as, at least, a public order offence with violence, or common assault.

SlightlyJaded · 18/02/2025 16:24

pleasehelpsostressed · 18/02/2025 16:18

I'm considering walking away from DH, to keep myself and my girls safe. DH and his exW / kids are the only link to this psychopath. Removing myself means I can protect my girls, doesn't it? I can't live like this, I truly can't.

I understand you're worried but what do you mean by 'walking away from DH'?