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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please reassure me I did the right thing here

270 replies

pleasehelpsostressed · 13/02/2025 23:20

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I?

Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 15/02/2025 09:26

Thank goodness you did call the police! Your poor DSD must have been terrified! I can't believe her mother is siding with the step father though. Absolutely shocking.
Thankfully she has a safe haven with you and her dad.

AngelicKaty · 15/02/2025 09:33

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 15/02/2025 09:10

The first act of violence my ex inflicted on me was to smash up the house as I sat petrified, stunned at what was going on and terrified that he would move on to destroy me. That night he didn't lay a finger on me. Him smashing up the house felt as though he had. It was a warning to me of what he was capable of.This was many years ago and I have not been able to have an intimate relationship since.

I feel that the general public, police and SS need to be better educated about DV and the different forms it takes. The impact of that night on me was devastating. I I remember that my mind was suddenly paralysed. He had suddenly become this monster and my brain couldn't quite compute what was going on. From that moment I was an abused woman and in his control. He was using violence to control me.

I am appalled that the actions you describe do not meet the threshold for arrest, especially as a young person was involved. They say he destroyed his own property, but it was the bedroom of a young woman. I despair when not even young women are given the protection they need and deserve.

Show quote history

Absolutely THIS! 👆(And I'm so sorry you went through this and that it continues to blight your relationships.)
This pathetic excuse of a man is creating an atmosphere of fear in @pleasehelpsostressed's DSD's home - a place where she should feel safe and loved. I frankly don't give a shit that her mother isn't afraid of him (yet) - her DD has shown very clearly that she is and has taken action to remove herself from the situation. Why is it only OP, her DD and DH listening to this girl?! Is she to be another teenage girl whose fears are dismissed by the authorities until it's too late? Until she's traumatised - or worse? I think her own mother's condonation and minimisation of her partner's behaviour is utterly reprehensible, including her misguided belief that he wouldn't ever harm her or her DD - until the day he does.
I hope OP's DSD chooses to stay in her household until her own mother comes to her senses. I simply cannot imagine living with a man who thinks ripping a door off its hinges in anger is appropriate parenting.

Aknifewith16blades · 15/02/2025 09:35

pleasehelpsostressed · 15/02/2025 08:07

Sorry just firing off random thoughts now, but it's just occurred to me that ripping off the door isn't just a violent act, it's potentially also another way of violating DSD's right to privacy isn't it? She can't now have any privacy in her mum's home until that's fixed - he's made sure of that. That's really sinister and sits so uneasily with me. 😕

Sadly not only violating her right to privacy but also her right to safety, by removing any barriers to access to her room (or bed) at night. Sinister is a good word.

Your DH might find talking to https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ and also https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ helpful for advice on how to protect his DD.

One key phrase for talking to the authorities about her DM is 'failure to protect'. It's sadly very common for woman in DV relationships to struggle to keep their children safe. I'm glad DD has you for support.

DeepFatFried · 15/02/2025 09:39

OP, it is clear that you and your DH will do all you can to take care of your DSD.

Truly: I would now ask for this thread to be taken down.

There is lots of situational info that could make you all identifiable. If the Mum of one of DSD’s friends is a MNer, her own Mum or an aunt.. and DSD’s writing of a list, her own actions and thoughts throughout this , need to be kept confidential to those she chooses to confide in.

AngelicKaty · 15/02/2025 09:48

@pleasehelpsostressed "I said what about domestic abuse offences? Surely you've got him on that for god sake?! The officer replied "that's not technically an arrestable offence (?! News to me) ..."
And so it should be news to you OP because it's absolute nonsense. DV and, specifically, coercive control (which I think DSD's step-father is clearly exhibiting towards her) are crimes so are clearly arrestable. I think you need to challenge the police on this and ask them how an alleged crime isn't arrestable?

voubledision · 15/02/2025 10:28

Firstly is mum married to step dad and who owns/rents the house. I ask because it is criminal damage if it's not actually his house!

Write everything down - the things DSD listed that she dislikes about her step dad - write down her mums responses. Hand a copy over to social services.

DSD has witnessed domestic violence, despite the fact stepdad hasn't hit anybody he has used an act of violence towards her by damaging her bedroom door. There is no way she should return to the house if he remains there.

Thank goodness she has your family to take care of her.

AnnabelC · 15/02/2025 10:47

Are the Step Dad's outburst accompanied by drink or drug or both or is it just his temper?

cestlavielife · 15/02/2025 11:17

All you and dh can do is protect dsd
That means keeping her away from mum
Unless in public space without stepdad around
Any threats keep reporting
You cannot protect the mum as she does not right now want to be protected. Maybe time away from her daughter will have an impression

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 15/02/2025 12:32

AngelicKaty · 15/02/2025 09:48

@pleasehelpsostressed "I said what about domestic abuse offences? Surely you've got him on that for god sake?! The officer replied "that's not technically an arrestable offence (?! News to me) ..."
And so it should be news to you OP because it's absolute nonsense. DV and, specifically, coercive control (which I think DSD's step-father is clearly exhibiting towards her) are crimes so are clearly arrestable. I think you need to challenge the police on this and ask them how an alleged crime isn't arrestable?

I agree with this.

Can you ask if there is a team or person with oversight of DV crimes who can review.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/02/2025 15:11

the image here of your poor SD in her room watching this violent man tear the door off its hinges and start smashing up her things is so so dreadful. Lots of suggestions of people to report this to on the thread. I hope that you are able to make progress. She's lucky to have you. Best wishes.

Adm1010 · 15/02/2025 15:32

AnnabelC · 15/02/2025 10:47

Are the Step Dad's outburst accompanied by drink or drug or both or is it just his temper?

I was going to ask this as well . It sounds drunk / drug fuelled tbh .

Flozle · 15/02/2025 20:58

JMSA · 14/02/2025 10:39

Jesus, why do stupid women - with daughters especially - get involved with men like this?
I have sympathy solely with the daughter.
And yes, OP, you did the right thing Flowers

Of course, it's the woman's fault for "choosing" bad men. She may be making poor choices by staying with him, but domestic abusers don't advertise themselves in advance.

OP, you sound lovely- I hope your stepdaughter is okay.

Horses7 · 15/02/2025 21:06

You did the right thing - keep the recording safe too.

username7766889 · 15/02/2025 21:07

Oh my god!! I've read all your updates and I cannot believe your DSDs mum is minimising this monsters behaviour towards her daughter. I just couldn't imagine. She wants to think herself lucky that your DH isn't like my daughter's dad. I'm not saying it's a good thing but if a man I was with treated my DD like that (even if I kicked him straight out) he would be lucky to be alive. My exh is extremely aggressive when it comes to protecting his kids and by the sound of this vile man he knows your DH isn't like that so is bullying his daughter knowing he won't get a good hiding. Absolutely involve social services and the school as soon as possible

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 15/02/2025 21:10

username7766889 · 15/02/2025 21:07

Oh my god!! I've read all your updates and I cannot believe your DSDs mum is minimising this monsters behaviour towards her daughter. I just couldn't imagine. She wants to think herself lucky that your DH isn't like my daughter's dad. I'm not saying it's a good thing but if a man I was with treated my DD like that (even if I kicked him straight out) he would be lucky to be alive. My exh is extremely aggressive when it comes to protecting his kids and by the sound of this vile man he knows your DH isn't like that so is bullying his daughter knowing he won't get a good hiding. Absolutely involve social services and the school as soon as possible

I'm not saying it's a good thing

Good.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 15/02/2025 21:43

PanickingNowHelpPlease · 15/02/2025 08:12

Hi. Sorry to hear all you are going through. It sounds as though you are handling it brilliantly. I was literally just going to comment before this updated that I used to work in child protection and this was definitely a MO used by sex offenders (often step fathers) in the home to control, intimidate and reduce privacy. I absolutely would not be allowing her to return to that house I’m afraid.

Show quote history

There was a thread about this recently, hadn't realised it was so common. My SF also ripped my door off its hinges ostensibly through anger/punishment but really to sneak and watch me get dressed etc.

Saggyknickers · 15/02/2025 21:49

The mother sounds shit. She's putting her dickhead h before her child.

If any partner of mine told my dd she looked like a whore or did even one of the things you've mentioned he'd be out the door so fast his head would spin.

I really hope she chooses to stay with you guys. Shocking.

Richandstrange · 15/02/2025 22:47

There was also reference in there to sexualised comments that are made by stepdad towards DSD - her response was "she can leave the room if that makes her uncomfortable"

This alone would be enough to make me want to move heaven and earth not to let DSD go back there, although I realise that's something you don't have full control over OP. It's definitely something DSD needs to see you and her dad making a fuss about on her behalf though, her mum is minimising it and she really needs you to show her it's absolutely not ok and that she has people who will believe and protect her. My mum minimised it when my stepdad did it to me and it left me completely unable to stand up for myself in later life because I'd been taught that I didn't matter and no one protected or defended me even if I did speak up so please make sure DSD knows she matters and doesn't have to put up with that.

Hopefully that will show her where she's safe and loved and she will choose not to go back to her mum's because I would worry about her every second she was there if I were you/her dad.

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 15/02/2025 22:57

pleasehelpsostressed · 15/02/2025 08:04

I meant to add, with regard to the smashing the house up, they said no offences were committed because he's damaging his own property. So even though he ripped DSD's bedroom door off its hinges (we have the video she took of the mess in her room afterwards clearly showing the door lying on the floor and her things thrown all over), they can't arrest him for that either as criminal damage isn't an offence in your own apparently. I said what about domestic abuse offences? Surely you've got him on that for god sake?! The officer replied "that's not technically an arrestable offence (?! News to me), but we can refer to SS and we will be doing what we can to safeguard DSD" etc.

DSD's mum also told them she isn't scared of him and despite his anger issues she's confident he wouldn't "lay a finger" on either of them. So it's just a nightmare tbh - seems like no one wants to take responsibility for the situation.

My ex H got arrested. Locked up and prosecuted for smashing his own car windscreen when his then ex locked his things inside the car..: you 100% can be charged for criminal damage to your own property!!!!! This is such a mess!!!!
It’s one of those can’t win situations. But whatever the outcome your SD knows she has team dad (and DSS and SM behind her) and (especially on here!!!) that will mean a lot!!! Like a lot lot!!!

BippidyBoppety · 15/02/2025 23:01

Clare's Law - an individual can make a third party request if they are concerned about someone who may be at risk of domestic abuse. Anyone such as, a parent, neighbour or friend can make this application if they believe someone may be at risk of abuse.

Police are very careful about what information they release, it won't go to someone being nosey, there has to be a proven reason. Please do this - apply online (I think it takes 10 days or so).

Police would / should have given a reference number for the call out. Follow it up on Monday, ask what information attending officers have taken (which should include the recording). Ask to speak to a senior officer or ask for an appointment with someone to clarify what attending officers have told you - face-to-face with someone within Domestic Abuse preferably. There is a 15yo that is at potential risk, you're not troublemaking or wasting police time in asking for this.

If the step-dad has broken or damaged any of DSD's belongings get it logged.

Horrible situation for all of you.

ButIToldYouSoooo · 15/02/2025 23:19

School safeguarding team.
Social services.
NSPCC

Call them all.

That poor girl. What an awful mother who is choosing to minimise and stay with an abusive arsehole, in a home full of DV, and want her daughter to put up with it so she has her man. Just awful.

username7766889 · 15/02/2025 23:55

@DangerMouseAndPenfoldx
No need for your sarcy response. Just because it's not a 'good' thing doesn't mean it's a bad thing either that any man who made her feel like this man has the OPs DSD would pay for his actions. It's the world we live in now unfortunately because as this thread proves the police are absolutely useless

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 16/02/2025 00:17

username7766889 · 15/02/2025 23:55

@DangerMouseAndPenfoldx
No need for your sarcy response. Just because it's not a 'good' thing doesn't mean it's a bad thing either that any man who made her feel like this man has the OPs DSD would pay for his actions. It's the world we live in now unfortunately because as this thread proves the police are absolutely useless

Your solution to a violent man is … another violent man.

Sad.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 16/02/2025 09:01

You 1 million percent did the right thing! You protected DSD and you protected her mum by calling the police to step in.

Sorry just read the updates…. You can lead a horse to water (offer help and support), but you cannot make it drink (make her leave him).

You are doing the right think simply by removing DSD entirely.

Watbtisoi · 16/02/2025 12:46

Have you done a Clares Law / Sarah's Law re: this man ?