Please reassure me I did the right thing here

[pleasehelpsostressed]

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I?

Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

What an appalling mother. Please don't let her go back there if this man is still in the house.

The police are useless in these situations. When they attended my house and my step father had given me a black eye as a 14 year old so school had called them, their response was "here's our card. Call us if he does it again."

I'm sorry that happened to you 😔

@DangerMouseAndPenfoldx if a man hurt or scared my teenage daughter I wouldn't care less what happened to him. I'm not sorry for thinking that way either. Men that bully women and girls deserve everything they get

Exactly!!

Attempted to make a Claire's Law application but cannot get through to the police force, spent over an hour on hold via 101 today and gave up. Went on the website which crashes repeatedly when I try on there. The difficulty is that DSD's mum lives in a different force area so we have to go via them as he's that address. Our own police area can't help. However I've logged with our own force area details of the offender and the threats made, so that they have that intelligence in case he ever turned up here. Not sure what else I / we can do.

DSD has gone to meet friends today on the bus, it's a 45 min bus ride to where her friends live (mum's home area) and she wanted to go, so DH has allowed her but on the condition he can track her location on an app, which she's agreed to. He's also picking her up later.

We have a logistical issue in terms of schooling - mine and DH's working hours between us mean we have had to adjust things next week to be able to take DSD to school (30 min away) and other DD to nursery etc. Going to have to figure out bus routes longer term as this won't work long term for either of our jobs and start times etc.

DSD wants to see how she gets on here and consider going home if mum takes her concerns seriously (no signs of this yet). But DSD is itching to be around her friends which we understand, and they aren't local to us.

Will be speaking with SS tomorrow.

That's where we are at. Exhausted tbh. Not sure what else we are supposed to / could be doing.

@pleasehelpsostressed You're already doing what you need to be doing OP - keeping your DSD safe (which is more than her own mother is doing). Great job! 👏

OP you are doing brilliantly.

Yes. There's a sinister sexual element here with the whore comment and the no privacy.

Step dads can do a lot of wrong.

You are doing very well with how understanding and supportive you are being.

That’s awful to read. I hope SDD feels safe with you.

I could not imagine defending a man who ripped my child’s bedroom door off its hinges, I’d have called the police myself. Some women are unbelievable.

@AnnabelC @AngelicKaty
Thank you, I think I needed to hear that. I'm exhausted with it all a bit now... feel out of my depth and a bit overwhelmed.

If it was a straightforward case of she can just live with us for the foreseeable that would be easier (notwithstanding the practical issue of her school being 45 mins away). However the issue is, she's saying she wants to go home to mum eventually, just not when he's there. Will see what SS advise tomorrow and go from there. I'm not sure if they can put conditions in place that he must leave if she is to go home? All her friends are over that way so it must be difficult for her, she's clearly torn. But her safety is paramount and she is safe here, so that's what we have to keep at the front of our minds I suppose.

Thanks everyone again, it's helped so much to have a sounding board!

You are doing brilliantly OP

The only suggestion I have - and it's one that I can see others have made - is to challenge the police on their criteria for arrestable offence. Threats to kill, violence and all the other behaviors - especially the door, but even the make up in the bin - are all examples of coersive control which is very much an arrestable offence.

I think you got unlucky with the officers who responded and they aren't fully up to speed on the nuances of DV. This is the one thing I would be pushing for at this stage.

There are quite a few police officers on MN - I can't remember most of their names but @vicarinatutu may still be around and is enormously knowledgable.

It sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job helping your SD to feel supported, remain safe and still maintain her relationships with friends, which will be so important to her. If she can continue to travel to see friends with your supervision and support, she might feel good about staying with you long term. Sadly, too many mothers dismiss obvious risks to their children because they become obsessed with keeping the man ‘happy’. Your SD is one of the lucky ones because she has you and her dad.

Applauding you for taking this seriously and supporting your DSD.

Thank you for listening to her.

@Pancakeflipper
How could I not? I have 2 daughters myself and the very thought of either of them fearing for their safety in their own home is just unthinkable and heartbreaking to me. I'll support her as much as I can - no young woman should feel that way, ever.

@SlightlyJaded
Thank you for the advice - it had crossed my mind to challenge it. The issue is they're a nightmare to get through to on the phone and their website continually crashes so I'm assuming they're a very busy police force (it's not our area but it's adjacent to us, and they do cover a larger area than our police force does). But I will keep trying, as you're absolutely right, it beggars belief that they can't arrest him on anything when he's terrified the life out of a teenage girl, violated her privacy, emotionally abused her, and on top of that threatened to kill her dad. It seems you can do a lot these days and not be arrested for it, who knew 🙄

My DH isn't going to start throwing his weight around, that's not a solution, for many reasons. It would upset DSD, it would upset me, it would place my lovely DH at risk of harm, and it would also potentially compromise his job. We are absolutely not that type of family, either. He drove straight over there and he removed her from the situation, thankfully without needing to enter the house. Had he prevented DSD from leaving my DH would have rang the police to get her out. He's a clever, methodical man who protects his family without using violence or threats. I love and respect him all the more for that.

My DH is like that too OP - so much more impressive than a thuggish meat-head. 😊

You say how could you not? I say look at the police response. I say look at the stories you hear when the parent minimises the partners behaviour and the teenager is labelled hysterical. If your DSD hadn't caught this all on camera/recording would you have understood the severity of what was happening in that house? This isn't a dig at you, you have acted 100% in the right way, I just want to point out why the PP was thanking you, too many times adults haven't understood the need to safeguard a child and you have. Thank you for protecting this girl

OP I wasn't criticising your DH in any way, I was simply saying that the Mothers partner is lucky that he isn't, and maybe behaves more like this because he isn't. That's what bullies do.
To the thuggish meat head comment - my ex DH may well be perceived that way but I am never ever going to not be happy that my DD is protected so fiercely by her father. The way the world is now, the legal system doesn't punish the perpetrators of DV anywhere near enough. Look at Kiena Dawes. That poor girl lost her life, from what I read her dad had passed away too. If her dad had been around, and had maybe been a 'thuggish meat head' Ryan Wellings probably would have thought twice about abusing her. Domestic abuse is a massive problem and doesn't ever seem to get any better.

I expect DSD's school have some knowledge of how this sort of situation works and will be able to guide/advise. Have the police reference number to give them.

You can go into a police station to file a Clare's Law application at the front desk, they do strongly encourage people to do it online rather than tie up front desk staff, but if online isn't working .... It shouldn't make a difference if it's a different police force, a parent could live in Wales and be concerned for a child in Essex, as an example.

I don't like suggesting it, but the attending police officers (sigh) could have been heading towards the end of their shift, might not have wanted to spend time on something that the CPS wouldn't proceed with, might think you'd back down on a family matter they'd be spending time writing up. Follow it up with them, make it clear you're committed to ensuring the safety of DSD, etc.

Things have got so much worse if that's possible. There have been further direct threats to kill (towards us all, my entire family). We have made further police statements and we now have a marker on our address in case we need to call for help in future. Police haven't updated us yet regarding his arrest - the police response has been shocking from the force dealing with that side of things. He also has access to weapons, which the police are aware of. We fled the house late last night to stay with a friend, I'm terrified to even be in my own home and the police don't seem to care?? I've had about 3 hours sleep and I can't think straight, I'm literally terrified. How has my life imploded like this 🙁

Jesus Christ. That man needs to be locked up. If the mother still defends him, then she is beyond help. She’s a victim too, but if she puts him before her daughter, then I will have limited sympathy for her.

How did he issue the threats?

Re the police response, it does feel like they will wait for something catastrophic to happen before they act. When you’re the one under threat, it is devastating. Especially if you’re a woman at real risk from a man.

So sorry to read your update. Thank goodness you got your DSD out, because goodness knows what would be happening to her.