Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

I think your SIL was very rude.
I cannot imagine doing this to my MIL ( even way before we were married)

The only socially inept person here is the MIL who decided to ignore another adults message that she was busy and tried to interrupt SILs plans.
I can only think your mother feels entitled to your SILs time or access to the house and due to her own poor behaviour had a rude awakening that actually that's not the case.

I don’t think my mum ‘decided’’ to knock the door; I think it was just instinct when she saw something different going on.

I would also think if I were my SiL, given the relationship with my mum, had there been an issue with her family she would have shared it like… “Sorry got a bit of a crisis going on, can’t let you in.” My mum would totally have got it.

Well I think the SIL was rude to ask her to drop the freebies and go and MIL rude to knock when SIL had said she was busy. Really SIL should just have said she was busy and arrange another time and not mention dropping stuff off so they both at fault.

Maybe your Mum should stop with the freebies although it does sound like SIL normally does spend time with her. When does your brother see her?

Based on the relationship you describe, your mother is not being unreasonable to knock on the door. And it’s a bit weird that your SIL didn’t invite her in. But, they had an understating so perhaps for her own reasons she expected a porch delivery to be just that.

Has your DB or the rest of you his family ever met her family? Perhaps some reasonable reasons for the behaviour.

As their relationship is good then your mother could/ should ask what that was about. Gently who it was etc.

I think SIL was a little rude tbh. I think given families come together, out of respect for her partner and your DM she should have asked if she would like to come in and say hello to the family. Id be upset if my sil did this to my mum tbh. However, I also don't think SIL maybe thought it through properly and maybe doesn't think she's done wrong. Also depends on culture, because in my culture that would be considered disrespectful.

I'm with the MiL. I can see why 'leave it in the porch' implies that SiL is away from home or busy with work, if that is normal for them. So when she was clearly home and with guests it just seems rude to drop without saying hello. I'd have knocked too, if only to say "Hi, I can see you've got guests, but I didn't want to drop and run without saying hello". And then I'd leave. But if SiL didn't want MiL to even say hello, she should have asked MiL to come on a different day. It makes it obvious that for some reason she isn't welcome with SiL's family, and that's just a bit hurtful.

I think it’s a bit odd she didn’t invite her in but she does need her boundaries in place. Otherwise when does it stop friends round etc. Sometimesit’s ok to keep things separate.

The weirdest thing is the MIL being this upset about... nothing really. It's a bit of minor awkwardness at worst. Surely it's possible to think of umpteen reasons SIL didn't want to add another guest to her family gathering (who hadn't met them before). Difficult family members, chaotic children, someone having an argument, about to serve food, house a tip etc etc. Why is MIL taking such umbrage and going crying to OP about it? That is a little dramatic - taking it so personally that you weren't invited in briefly to poke your nose into a gathering you weren't invited to at all in the first place.

How has my mother in the four years prior to this event demonstrated poor behaviour?

I accept that some of you think she shouldn’t have knocked and done as she had been asked and left stuff in porch.

My SiL is a genuinely, nice, straightforward woman. I would have done differently however. I would have let her in or explained why she couldn’t come in. I know SiL isn’t obligated to give an explanation but given their relationship/friendship I think she should have.

Seems pretty rude to me. I imagine she knocked as she interpreted unavailable to mean sil was out. Given that their was clearly someone home then knocking is pretty normal imo.
If SIL had said, oh sorry, can't today as I have my family round, could you make it another day or drop it in the porch' then that would have been better. But tbh it would have been far more normal to invite her in and Introduce her, 5 mins chat and then an 'lovely to meet you, I must be off now' from your mum and all social niceties would have been met.
Telling someone to leave something they are bringing you for free on the porch and then bugger off so not to bother you is pretty cheeky. Assuming they want whatever this free stuff is she is dropping off?

It all sounds a tad insane, wherein your Mother shows up a few times a month with freebies, or whatever.
Your SIL doesn't have to explain herself when it comes to entertaining anyone in your own home and if your madre chose to ring the doorbell, then that's on her.
Yes, she could have invited her MIL in, bit maybe she has these pesky things known as boundaries?!

Mum needs to stop going out if her way to drop freebies off ... give them to the charity shop, might be more appreciative

The SIL didn't do anything wrong. She told OP's DM, in advance, that she wouldn't be available on that date/time. We now know this is because she had her family around. This could have been a light-hearted get-together with family, in which case inviting MIL in to join them could have been something nice to do in the moment. Equally, it could have been a family meeting to discuss a personal, maybe upsetting situation within SIL's family and none of them were feeling sociable at that time to meet someone new (and it would have disrupted their important conversation). The point is, none of us knows the reason SIL didn't invite MIL in, but I'm happy to accept that she had a good reason not to, and her MIL should accept that too without getting upset and potentially causing harm to their previously friendly relationship.

What are the freebies? I'm imagining samples from somewhere like Avon. Does SIL even want them?

"My SiL is a genuinely, nice, straightforward woman"

Then perhaps you could all just try trust that there was a reason she did it and hope that she may explain it herself at some point?

Given that you describe her as that, would your mum calling your brother to complain about her have been the best or nicest thing to do?

If I had already got a houseful of visitors, I wouldn't want another person who didn't know anyone, who wasn't invited just turning up and expecting to come in when I'd already said I was busy.

Your mum is only in her 50s you say and is upset about this. Would she benefit from a job-that might fill her time a bit?

Instead of coming over on the evening or on the weekend when SIL’s work would not be disrupted at all, MIL continues to make these visits during SIL’s work day and SIL continues to welcome her often.

SIL is a saint.

you should thank the stars you have a SIL that is so kind as to repeatedly disrupt her work day.

Rubbish! She is absolutely owed an explanation and an apology for her unbelievably rude and downrighft weird behaviour. MIL did not "intrude", she simply knocked on the door when she unexpectedly saw other people there - no normal person would do what SIL did. Honestly, what sort of bizarre 'boundary enforced' family relationships do some people on here have that they think SIL is in the right? SMH...

I think leaving stuff on the porch under circumstances of a zoom call is understandable/unavoidable, whereas to not be invited in when potential in laws are there is more of a personal snub. If I were one of the family members already inside the house I have to say that I would have found it extremely odd that SIL didn't invite her in.

Agree with this. I prefer keeping mine and DH families separate so in this situation I would have just asked MIL to come over another day. But she didn’t and mil turned up…in this situation I would have just let MIL in. It’s all a bit odd and just badly handled.

But because the rest of the time SIL is kind to MIL and spends time eitb her then I definitely wouldn’t make an issue of this.

MIL probably shouldn’t have knocked but probably didn’t think much of this and though SIL plans had changed when she saw the kids.

Instead of coming over on the evening or on the weekend when SIL’s work would not be disrupted at all, MIL continues to make these visits during SIL’s work day and SIL continues to welcome her often.

Yes, I thought this was odd. Why doesn't she drop things round at a time when people are trying to work! Maybe when her son is in!

No normal person would do what MIL did - it was intrusive and unnecessary when she'd already been told by SIL that she wouldn't be available on that date/time. It's incredible that you lack the imagination to believe that SIL had a very good reason for not inviting her MIL in when she'd previously expressly told her she wouldn't be available SMH ...

I applaud your SIL who knows how to impose boundaries.

Imagine you have friends/ family around, you WARN your MIL you are NOT available, but MIL decide to ignore you and try to intrude. I would be pretty pissed off. Well done for standing her ground and not inviting her in, out of politeness but ruining her day.

The MIL was very rude.

You walk past a friends' house and it's obvious they're having a party. Do you stop and knock at the door? Of course not!

This thread is a mn revelation! So contrary to the usual mn way of life.... if someone decides to invite themselves to your home, even if they've been told you're not available... you're a bitch for not acquiescing?