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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
Hwi · 13/02/2025 20:47

Oh my gosh, what a bitch. Clearly your mum is not good enough to introduce her to those who were inside.

DreamW3aver · 13/02/2025 20:48

Pumpkinpie1 · 13/02/2025 20:43

It’s non of your business OP

Are we not allowed take an interest in our parents lives now?

I don't agree with the OP but it's totally normal that shes concerned for her mum

Backtothe90ties · 13/02/2025 20:49

Gwenhwyfar · 13/02/2025 19:23

She's not a delivery woman!

This. Your SIL is happy enough with the freebies but not to invite her in. I think it’s rude.

Some PP are implying that the SIL is humouring your mum by going out with her. If so that’s a really horrid thing to do. By all means if you don’t want to go don’t but doing what she has gives very mixed messages. If she didn’t want them to meet she should have said it wasn’t a good time to drop them at all. It’s not the same as a work meeting or zoom.

RisingSunn · 13/02/2025 20:51

phoenixrosehere · 13/02/2025 19:51

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

So it’s only an issue now because SIL had people over?

It’s ok if she is alone or not in, but if there are people there, MIL has to be invited in?

YABVU

Edited

Exactly! It makes no sense.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/02/2025 20:52

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:17

You're nice

I am extremely nice and fair, but my time is my own and I don't put up with people crossing the very clear, reasonable and respectful boundaries I have. I also respect other people's boundaries and don't take the piss with expectations either.

Cherrysoup · 13/02/2025 20:53

She was told your sil wasn’t available yet still tried to demand her attention and now has to be stopped from ringing your brother?! To say what? Sil told me she wasn’t available yet I still tried to get in? Does she want the sil to totally ignore her in future?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/02/2025 20:54

SIL has a good relationship with your mum but it clearly has limits and she doesn't want your mum meeting her family.
I wouldn't have turned her away when she knocked at the door, that would feel rude. In your mum's position, I might have knocked on the door thinking that perhaps SIl's plans had changed and she was in after all.
Your mum had a really nice relationship with SIL and I hope she'll be able to accept that they have ideas about what is OK so that they can continue enjoying each other's company rather than letting this become a big thing.

Bloodybrambles · 13/02/2025 20:54

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:25

SIL is happy to scoff all the Freebie food and live rent free in a house the MIL paid the deposit for. How nice and entitled. Imagine putting the chain up on the door and treating your MIL ike a serial burglar. What a nightmare of a SIL, the Son should've dealt with that behaviour swiftly and kicked his lodger to the curb for being so rude.
That marriage won't last long, trust me on this!

This is why I have never accepted a penny off MIL. I wonder if the MIL let her son know the expectations of making sure any future wife would allow MIL access to the home at any time/when the son told his girlfriend the rules of allowing the mother in whenever she wanted?

PotatoBreadForTheWin · 13/02/2025 20:55

GlenmoreSprings · 13/02/2025 19:08

I am going against the majority- it is rude not to invite the MIL in. It would have been better for her to say that she isn’t free at all rather than asking MIL to drop stuff on the porch.

This. Can't believe all the people who think SIL's behaviour is okay

Completelyjo · 13/02/2025 20:55

DreamW3aver · 13/02/2025 20:48

Are we not allowed take an interest in our parents lives now?

I don't agree with the OP but it's totally normal that shes concerned for her mum

Concerned for her mum because her son’s girlfriend had plans that didn’t include her…?

RisingSunn · 13/02/2025 20:56

Birdied · 13/02/2025 20:36

I think your sister-in-law in this instance is being incredibly rude. Sister-in-law is living with the brother for four years at this point. To not invite a potential future mother-in-law into her home for a quick hello to her family is gobsnacking to me. Sister-in-law should never have asked your mother to leave XYZ in the porch knowing she was going to be at home. I think your mother has every right to be aggrieved.

But she has done so before - OP mentioned if SIL was at home on a zoom call etc she would leave stuff on the porch.

steff13 · 13/02/2025 20:56

Hwi · 13/02/2025 20:47

Oh my gosh, what a bitch. Clearly your mum is not good enough to introduce her to those who were inside.

Or, sister-in-law is embarrassed of her family. Or they were planning a family funeral. Or they all got together to tell Grandpa that he's too old to be driving anymore and they're taking his license away. We have no idea what the circumstances were.

skyana · 13/02/2025 20:56

Some sil are weird. She should've said don't come round on Tuesday at all.

I have a sil that is super nice to my mum only when it suits her.

I have in-laws myself n would never dream of behaving in that manner

Completelyjo · 13/02/2025 20:57

PotatoBreadForTheWin · 13/02/2025 20:55

This. Can't believe all the people who think SIL's behaviour is okay

What’s not okay about telling someone you have previously arranged plans?
If a friend told you she was busy would you go barging over to her house anyway, ring the doorbell and then call her rude when she doesn’t drop everything to host you?

Growlybear83 · 13/02/2025 21:00

I'm amazed that in four years the two sets of parents haven't met - I think that's very bizarre. I can completely understand why your mum rang the bell when she arrived and could tell there were people in the house; she presumably thought that the sister in law was going to be out when she said she wasn't available. Under the circumstances, I think your sister in law was extremely rude and it wouldn't have hurt to have invited her in for a while.

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 21:01

God the thread took off and has taken a weird turn.

Why do people think I am my sister-in-law?

I don’t know why people wonder about my brother…. A completely nice bloke who would do anything for anybody and loves his mama!

My mother is still in her 50s, does not need entertaining and does not intrude. The relationship she has with SiL was actually instigated by SiL. When she moved in my mum would have just dropped the stuff in the porch….Constance M … you know my parents DID pay the deposit but that’s irrelevant to this thread.

These visits are 2/3 times a month for an hour or so depending on SiL’s work schedule.

Sometimes SiL asks my mum to wait and go on a site visit but my mum has somewhere to be. There is absolutely no suggestion that she tolerates my mum; they seem to have a genuine friendship with her.

My mother is totally fine with dropping stuff off without going in. However, on these occasions SiL is either out or in a meeting. I suppose my mum thought this occasion was the same. When my mum Saw that it was a full house I don’t think she consciously thought “Oh let me gate crash” I don’t know what was going on in her head.

We are not mentioning it to my brother. My mother is a nice woman I have heard the expression central character syndrome only recently but while I haven’t looked it up I don’t think my mother suffers from it.

OP posts:
MummaMummaMumma · 13/02/2025 21:02

MiL is in the wrong.
She was told DiL was unavailable, but decided to try and invite herself in anyway.
She has absolutely no knowledge of what was being discussed, maybe someone could be upset or down.
Maybe the son doesn't want MiL meeting her family? Could be any reason.
MiL is being rude.

SemperIdem · 13/02/2025 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Er yes. I don’t welcome visitors if it doesn’t fit in with my plans. This is quite normal?

LBFseBrom · 13/02/2025 21:07

Completelyjo · 13/02/2025 18:51

I feel like surely you are the SIL from the way you’ve written this, but either way SIL didn’t do anything wrong. She made it clear she was busy and wasn’t available for a visit. She doesn’t have to include her boyfriend’s mother when she sees her own family.

I agree, I don't believe it was a snub and she was rather put on the spot when your mum knocked. Maybe afterwards she wished she had asked her in but you don't always think at the time.

It sounds as though their relationship is sound so try not to think about it any more, encourage your mum to do the same.

SealHouse · 13/02/2025 21:07

Only in the parallel universe that is mumsnet could so many people think SIL "did nothing wrong" or that she is - in the words of one keyboard psycho-babbler of the kind usually found on these threads - "enforcing healthy boundaries" - what a load of absolute rubbish!! The only possible explanation that might in some way make this seem even vaguely ok is that her family are complete scumbags and she's mortified by them. Otherwise SIL is a rude, callous, socially inept weirdo.
I would suggest to your mum that she now "enforce some healthy boundaries" of her own and drop the visits to SIL until she gets an explanation and an apology.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 13/02/2025 21:10

I wouldn't do it, because I'm a deep thinking sensitive fool.

At the same time, as the MIL, I wouldn't have knocked on the door when I could see she was entertaining.

Lillycai123 · 13/02/2025 21:12

Iv a daughter she’s 14yrs old and the friendliest,sweetest,carrying person ever.But been bullied since primary school.She’s tried so hard to go to school as she wants to work and learn.But the torture from kids is too much.She’s forced he self to go for me but broke down.she has been taken out of school by cams and thrive.Reason. Is due to her mental health as she has been through a much,with bullying and loseing two homes being b made homeless due to private landlords.We lost our pets and all our belongings twice plus her mates.So she’s att home ALLDAY with me😭she’s depressed.I need her to get out socializing.what do I do?😭

AngeloMysterioso · 13/02/2025 21:14

ElfAndSafetyBored · 13/02/2025 18:55

I’d never do this to my MIL. I think SIL was rude and missed an opportunity to introduce them to one another.

Four years she has lived with your brother, how have the families never met before?

My in laws didn't meet my mum until my wedding day, and they only met her two more times after that!

TomatoSandwiches · 13/02/2025 21:15

SealHouse · 13/02/2025 21:07

Only in the parallel universe that is mumsnet could so many people think SIL "did nothing wrong" or that she is - in the words of one keyboard psycho-babbler of the kind usually found on these threads - "enforcing healthy boundaries" - what a load of absolute rubbish!! The only possible explanation that might in some way make this seem even vaguely ok is that her family are complete scumbags and she's mortified by them. Otherwise SIL is a rude, callous, socially inept weirdo.
I would suggest to your mum that she now "enforce some healthy boundaries" of her own and drop the visits to SIL until she gets an explanation and an apology.

She's not owed an explanation or apology, she decided to intrude and knock despite being told SIL was not available.

MrsCarson · 13/02/2025 21:15

StormingNorman · 13/02/2025 18:56

I think SIL was rude. I can’t imagine anyone not inviting their future MIL in to say a quick hello.

I agree