Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

Perhaps SIL didn't invite her in because someone in her family asked her not to?

Maybe she had a family member there that isn't well or suffers with a bit of social anxiety or just didn't feel comfortable in general with being suddenly faced with it with no time to prep themselves. Maybe SIL has a bit of a dramatic mother who decided she wasn't dressed right and was worried about making a bad first impression. Maybe they were in the middle of a serious and/or private discussion

Maybe SIL was just pissed that MIL had ignored her message and stood there knocking repeatedly instead.

All I am taking from some of the replies on this thread is that there must be some utterly miserable DIL's out there. Fucking hell.

no normal person would "knock on the door because they saw people in the house" 😂 Who does that? Trying to gate-crash what is obviously a party/ gathering of some kind?

No respect for people's privacy. It's unbelievable behaviour.

My mother is still in her 50s, does not need entertaining and does not intrude

She did intrude! Like, that's literally what she did - was asked not to and yet did.

YABU and SIL was quite right.

Totally agree. It’s called basic manners…something that many MN posters are very lacking in !

I'm completely with you OP. Ignore the replies fabricating a narrative to fit their own assumptions.
Also, I think a lot of posters have missed the part where your DB & SIL have been together four years! To be against your DM & your SIL's DM meeting after 4 long years is very odd

I mean if SIL had the thought to text her, say she was unavailable and then your mum still knocked - that’s on your mum. She should have assumed SIL was busy as per the text and not knocked.

I'm not interested in spending the evening arguing about this with all the 'boundary enforcers' on this thread.... SIL's behaviour was weird and rude and if you can't see that yourself nothing I can say will make you understand it. There are some very odd perspectives around social behaviour and familial relationships on here sometimes - so odd in fact that I suspect some people simply like advocating and arguing them out of sheer boredom. Very strange.

OP This is what YOU asked for in your first post, YOU said…

”I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think”

And because the majority of MN users are not saying what you want them to say you are not happy and disagreeing with them and acting unreasonable.

If YOU don’t want people’s honest opinion and what they ‘think’ then you shouldn’t have asked for it.

SIL is rude. Even if you might inwardly sigh to have to invite someone in, it’s incredibly rude not to answer the door when you’re at home. MIL shld stop bringing the freebies.

I don't think anyone for a second questions if your brother loves and does stuff for your mum. Given the - to me anyway - huge amount of time that SIL seems to spend alone with MIL I was curious if he does the same for her mum. Would her mum visit him at work on a weekly basis like your mum does with SIL for eg. Society seems to still expect women to take on daughterly behaviours in a way they don't with men.
It read like she already gives a lot of time to your mum, including from her working day, and the one time she hasn't and has prioritised her own family it's caused a bit of a hoo ha.

Pretending you don't find it strange, let alone rude, to try to invite yourself in somebody's house because you see by the window they have guests? Seriously? 😂

You're "not interested in spending the evening arguing about this ..." but you answered anyway - it seems like you're the one who's bored. And I've never mentioned "boundaries". I've simply pointed out the facts as presented by OP and suggested that SIL may have had a very good reason for not inviting in MIL and that accepting that as a possibility, rather than ranting about SIL being "rude", would be a more measured response.

I'm confused. The SIL has been living with/been married to (unclear which....) your brother for 4 years - and yet it appears your mother has never met her family, which seems odd.

Also confused about the 'crisis'. What was actually going on?

Whatever the details of the situation, it's not worth jeopardising what seems a nice relationship by making waves.

she did answer the door. She brilliantly didn't invite her in. Sounds like the poor woman had enough and is putting her foot down.

I'd love to hear her side of the story, and how much she enjoys being regularly disturbed just because she's only "working from home".

I think it was rude and a bit hurtful. I wouldn’t leave anyone on the door step even if I had family visiting ( except strangers obviously) It’s just polite to ask a friend or family member to come in in my world. Its not worth making a fuss over though as SIL sounds generally really nice.

Shinyandnew1 my mum works full time - this through her job that she gets freebies.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest I do want people’s opinions to test my ‘take’ on it. Totally fine with you ‘calling’ me on it. What I would say is those who blame my mum also imply that she challenges boundaries and she feels entitled to my SiL’s time. She didn’t consciously think what she was doing. It was a different scenario to the ones she is used to.

Ultimately I accept my mother was texted and told to drop stuff in porch and instead she knocked on the door… the first time this had happened in four years.. people who disagree wine think she did it with ill intent. She didn’t.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.
So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

So the SIL has to drop everything.

Out of curiosity, why isn't MIL bothering her own son? WHY is MIL the SIL's problem?

'Just instinct '?! What instinct? You mean sheer nosiness?! 😆

Why on earth would your DM expect to be invited in and get upset when she's not

Bizarre

It was a family thing and no reason at all that your needy DM needed to be invited in

Your DM has been overstepping for 4 years

Your SIL is very patient and kind

I doubt she will be from now on if she hears you or your DM making a fuss about SIL spending time with her own family in the way she wants

I don't think your DM knocked on your SIL's door with "ill intent" at all OP. I don't know what your DM's intent was, but given that she was specifically told by your SIL, in advance, that she wasn't available on that date/time, why do you think your DM knocked on the door? Did it not cross your DM's mind that that was an intrusive thing to do when your SIL had told her she wasn't available for a visit?
In your DM's shoes I would have approached the door and thought "Ooh, DIL has visitors, that's why she couldn't see me today" and then I'd have dropped the stuff in the porch as she'd asked me to do. Wouldn't you have done that?

I hope it can be resolved through discussion. If your mum usually goes round and the house is quiet and empty, it’s not particularly surprising that she knocked on the door when she realized someone was in. She might have just thought SIL’s plans had changed and she was home when she hadn’t expected to be.

Equally, SIL might have a good reason for not introducing MIL, or might have been taken aback and acted automatically as she wasn’t ready/prepared for introductions.

I honestly find it rather odd to allow MIL to come to a house when there’s a gathering there, rather than saying not to come and suggesting an alternative time, so that seems a bit cheeky to me too, so it’s not like one side has been wholly unreasonable compared to the other.

If they have a good relationship, it can probably be resolved by mutual acknowledgement that it was a bit awkward all round.

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

Any understanding of what so many other people think?

Honestly, I can see why your Mum might feel a bit affronted once she was on the doorstep, and why it feels rude not to invite her in once she was on the doorstep.

But SIL so rarely says ‘not available’, and it wasn’t for your Mum to decide that only meetings or being out count as unavailable. She shouldn’t really have ended up on the doorstep.

De-escalate the whole thing. Tell your Mum it was just one of those things, not worth any more upset.

If your mum hasn't met SIL's family, how does she know that the people in the house were in fact family? There could have been anything going on in the house, and the fact your mother's first knock was ignored suggests she really did pick a bad time.

If I was in your mum's situation I would feel a bit embarrassed for having interrupted whatever they were doing, then shrugged it off. I wouldn't be calling my daughter to bitch about it and try to stir up family drama.

I think SIL was very rude.