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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 17:58

NotaRealHousewife · 16/02/2025 17:38

I think it's bizarre that she didn't invite her in to meet her family

Any number of private situations could have been happening which SIL family could have been uncomfortable with an outsider being present. My Dad came to my house to tell me he had been diagnosed with cancer, I would not have liked my MIL barging in on this very distressing and private situation

thing47 · 16/02/2025 18:02

So here we have a woman who most Tuesdays takes time out from her working day to invite her MIL in, give her food and drink, have a chat etc. On other occasions they will watch telly together or go on a trip organised by the DIL.

On this particular Tuesday the DIL has told the MIL in advance that she won't be available. MIL has ignored this and proceeded to not only come to the house anyway but knock - more than once - on DIL's door, having presumably decided in her own mind that DIL is available.after all.

And DIL is the rude one? 😂😂

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 18:10

thing47 · 16/02/2025 18:02

So here we have a woman who most Tuesdays takes time out from her working day to invite her MIL in, give her food and drink, have a chat etc. On other occasions they will watch telly together or go on a trip organised by the DIL.

On this particular Tuesday the DIL has told the MIL in advance that she won't be available. MIL has ignored this and proceeded to not only come to the house anyway but knock - more than once - on DIL's door, having presumably decided in her own mind that DIL is available.after all.

And DIL is the rude one? 😂😂

You're missing the bit that she was given permission to come to the house on that day but only to leave high end gifts on the doorstep. SIL wasn't available to say thanks.

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 18:12

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 17:20

Where does it say SIL was annoyed? I’ve been through OPs posts and can’t see where it says this. It does say SIL was surprised but not annoyed. if I’ve missed this glad to be told I’m mistaken

Also, OP has said

“We accept that Mum should not have knocked on door but the intention was not to intrude or demand introductions”

so there you go, MIL realises she shouldn’t have rudely knocked. That’s for you too
@Lostcat

it was here:

As for calling my brother, I think she wanted to know why SiL was upset and if she’d done something.

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 18:14

thing47 · 16/02/2025 18:02

So here we have a woman who most Tuesdays takes time out from her working day to invite her MIL in, give her food and drink, have a chat etc. On other occasions they will watch telly together or go on a trip organised by the DIL.

On this particular Tuesday the DIL has told the MIL in advance that she won't be available. MIL has ignored this and proceeded to not only come to the house anyway but knock - more than once - on DIL's door, having presumably decided in her own mind that DIL is available.after all.

And DIL is the rude one? 😂😂

MIL has ignored this and proceeded to not only come to the house anyway but knock

SIL asked her to come and bring the stuff.

NotaRealHousewife · 16/02/2025 18:14

@Thirteenblackcat She wouldn't have been an outsider if sil had bothered her arse introducing them over the last four years. It doesn't sound like anything dramatic when the kids were running up and down

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 18:20

NotaRealHousewife · 16/02/2025 18:14

@Thirteenblackcat She wouldn't have been an outsider if sil had bothered her arse introducing them over the last four years. It doesn't sound like anything dramatic when the kids were running up and down

Do you know SILs family? Maybe there are reasons they haven’t been introduced, you know nothing

edited to add: my in laws had met my family numerous times, in some instances, depending on the situation they are an outsider and they are not entitled to know our family business.

BreezyScroller · 16/02/2025 18:22

Imagine your face

Your MIL just bangs at your door, and when you open "I saw that you have company, friends or family, so here I am! " 😂😂

And when you don't invite her to join the party, she goes crying to her other kids threatening to make a scene and call your husband.

Priceless. And completely bonkers

thing47 · 16/02/2025 18:27

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 18:14

MIL has ignored this and proceeded to not only come to the house anyway but knock

SIL asked her to come and bring the stuff.

No, she didn't. MIL always comes on a Tuesday Because that' what suits her. MIL has frequently left the stuff in the porch in the past and the OP makes it very clear there is no issue in her doing so. Equally she could have decided not to come at all - perfectly reasonable decision in the circumstances.

The only, only, difference is that this time the MIL decided, on seeing people running around in the house, that DIL was available after all. That is unreasonable, and not her decision to make.

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 18:33

thing47 · 16/02/2025 18:27

No, she didn't. MIL always comes on a Tuesday Because that' what suits her. MIL has frequently left the stuff in the porch in the past and the OP makes it very clear there is no issue in her doing so. Equally she could have decided not to come at all - perfectly reasonable decision in the circumstances.

The only, only, difference is that this time the MIL decided, on seeing people running around in the house, that DIL was available after all. That is unreasonable, and not her decision to make.

Great summation of the post 👏🏼

thing47 · 16/02/2025 18:36

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 18:10

You're missing the bit that she was given permission to come to the house on that day but only to leave high end gifts on the doorstep. SIL wasn't available to say thanks.

As she had warned her MIL the day before she wouldn't be.

Woman who had warned her MIL the previous day that she wouldn't be available turns out to, indeed, not be available. I'm struggling to see the rudeness in that scenario...

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 18:43

thing47 · 16/02/2025 18:36

As she had warned her MIL the day before she wouldn't be.

Woman who had warned her MIL the previous day that she wouldn't be available turns out to, indeed, not be available. I'm struggling to see the rudeness in that scenario...

The fact that she was available, but didn't want to see her.

"Unavailable" essentially means "I have chosen not to take ten seconds talk to you today" in this context. Which, when you think she's dropping off high end gifts for them, is rude.

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 18:53

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 18:43

The fact that she was available, but didn't want to see her.

"Unavailable" essentially means "I have chosen not to take ten seconds talk to you today" in this context. Which, when you think she's dropping off high end gifts for them, is rude.

Well when SIL said she was “unavailable” it really meant in this case meant that she wasn’t able to serve lunch, elevenses or coffee, or to drive her to a garden centre or stately home. Her unavailability stretched to an hour or two, not the mere 10 seconds you are going on about here

NotaRealHousewife · 16/02/2025 18:59

@Thirteenblackcat You are taking this very personally, are you the sister in law?

You don't know anything about the family circumstances either

Calm down love

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 19:05

Am I the sister in law? Who knows

BreezyScroller · 16/02/2025 19:41

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 18:43

The fact that she was available, but didn't want to see her.

"Unavailable" essentially means "I have chosen not to take ten seconds talk to you today" in this context. Which, when you think she's dropping off high end gifts for them, is rude.

Are you actually that obtuse with everyone?

The parent who refuses to understand that teachers are NOT available for a chat at drop off because they are busy settling the kids, and expect you to make an appointment, or at least come at pick up?

The rude one who barge in during the day because someone is WORKING from home so you expect them to change their day and put their clients on hold to make you a cup of tea?

Do you barge in on your accountant or hairdresser and disrupt their meetings because you are only "popping in" for a chat?

What don't you understand in the word "unavailable" is what I want to know!

Anxioustealady · 16/02/2025 19:49

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 18:43

The fact that she was available, but didn't want to see her.

"Unavailable" essentially means "I have chosen not to take ten seconds talk to you today" in this context. Which, when you think she's dropping off high end gifts for them, is rude.

"High end gifts", they're unwanted freebies!

Tenthousandspoonsitslike · 16/02/2025 20:10

Since when did unavailable mean, ‘yeah please batter my door down!”

Some of you are bonkers truly

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 20:15

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 18:43

The fact that she was available, but didn't want to see her.

"Unavailable" essentially means "I have chosen not to take ten seconds talk to you today" in this context. Which, when you think she's dropping off high end gifts for them, is rude.

She wasn’t available to MIL which is what she told MIL in the first place. That is literally what unavailable means when you tell someone that you are unavailable.

Tenthousandspoonsitslike · 16/02/2025 20:23

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 20:15

She wasn’t available to MIL which is what she told MIL in the first place. That is literally what unavailable means when you tell someone that you are unavailable.

Right?! Why are some people unable to grasp this, it’s not exactly complicated is it.

And like OP said, her unavailability has never been an issue before

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 20:36

Tenthousandspoonsitslike · 16/02/2025 20:23

Right?! Why are some people unable to grasp this, it’s not exactly complicated is it.

And like OP said, her unavailability has never been an issue before

It is not.

OP also said that her mother hasn’t brought it up again so I’m guessing SIL possibly contacted her or she realises she was making a mountain out of a molehill considering they have had a great relationship until this tiny hiccup.

SullysBabyMama · 16/02/2025 20:37

“SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome.”
But she knew she wasn’t welcome and to leave stuff in the porch and she attempted to, maybe without malice but still….

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 21:07

BreezyScroller · 16/02/2025 19:41

Are you actually that obtuse with everyone?

The parent who refuses to understand that teachers are NOT available for a chat at drop off because they are busy settling the kids, and expect you to make an appointment, or at least come at pick up?

The rude one who barge in during the day because someone is WORKING from home so you expect them to change their day and put their clients on hold to make you a cup of tea?

Do you barge in on your accountant or hairdresser and disrupt their meetings because you are only "popping in" for a chat?

What don't you understand in the word "unavailable" is what I want to know!

I've read some nonsense on here but this is top drawer. Well done.

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 21:08

Anxioustealady · 16/02/2025 19:49

"High end gifts", they're unwanted freebies!

Where did you get that from? OP says they're high end gifts.

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 21:10

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 20:15

She wasn’t available to MIL which is what she told MIL in the first place. That is literally what unavailable means when you tell someone that you are unavailable.

Yes, so she chose to let her MIL drop off gifts to her house without so much as a thank you, because she couldn't find ten seconds to be polite.