Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

"Someone telling you they’re unavailable means that they’re unavailable to you. No other explanation was needed/ nor should have been warranted.

SIL was unavailable to MIL. "

Well said. There's an etiquette concept civilised people understand, called "not at home" which translates to "home but unable to receive your visit."

By telling MIL in advance that she would be unavailable, DIL (wrongly) assumed that MIL was civilised enough to comprehend that DIL was unavailable for a visit (not at home, in etiquette parlance) despite being physically present in the house.

Instead MIL behaved like a self-centered toddler with zero self control.

Are they the mafia?

You can say hello and thank you. Really you can. If you choose not to without good reason then you're rude.

Tomorrow I might declare myself unavailable to DP. Just not talking to him. I've told him where my boundaries are and that's all I need to do.

Or maybe being "Unavailable" is not a get out of jail free card for being a dick.

OR

A grown ass ADULT can say "Oh you're unavailable, ok I won't come today"

You can keep quoting the dictionary, it doesn't make your point right

MIL made the decision to come over DESPITE being told SIL wasn't available. SIL expected her to follow established patterns, she didn't expect her to ignore the plans and try and push in.

This is all hypothetical, because we rightly have no idea what the circumstances of the visit were, but say you're the visiting mum in this situation and the visit is to tell DIL you have terminal cancer or nan's dementia has escalated to the point she no longer recognises family, would you be horrified for the MIL you've never met to not be invited into that. 'Hi MIL, lovely to meet you, we were just talking about how I have six months to live. Custard cream?'
Now it could be nothing like that, it could be a bog stand visit from close family who pop over most weeks. We don't know. OP and MIL don't know, but SIL who almost always invites her in for a cup of tea didn't on this occasion so I think it's safe to assume she had reasons.

Imagine going to someone’s house on the understanding that they were unavailable and knowing in advance the arrangement was to leave the goods on the porch like many times before.

You get there and see movement… ohh there are people in there!! SIL HAS PEOPLE OVER!! I will knock… coz em.. well I don’t know why, this wasn’t the plan but there are PEOPLE in there getting entertained… ooops no answer…. I will knock again, oooohhh still nothing, they must be busy… keep knocking.. ahhh here she comes FINALLY!
Hi SIL I know you said you said you were unavailable and this time suits me and I said I would leave in the porch but I heard voices and activity and So I banged on the door until you answered coz em err, em Can I come in?

Exactly.

OP says they get on really well so if that is the case, SIL may tell MIL about the visit on her own accord.

I can think of several non-Mafia related possibilities which would involve not being disturbed even just to answer the door and say "thank you" (especially to someone who is probably going to actually keep me talking or try and butt in)

• Planning a funeral
• Staging an intervention
• Planning a surprise party for the person at the door
• Talking about a crisis that was hard to even start talking about
• Discussing medical treatment
• Catching up with family who are here from abroad who only have a limited time with you
• Saying goodbye to a beloved family pet who was being taken to the vets after

Situations which can be emotional (hence being a bit short when someone who has been told you're not free ignores the instructions), which are time limited, which are private, which a break in the flow of conversation can stop that conversation as someone clams up again, where someone leaving for a few minutes can lead to them missing important decisions...

Right okay so now we have people saying that there are some extreme circumstances where the MIL might not have been able to be accommodated.

So what if that wasn't the case, if it was just a general non emergency visit, then she was rude to not answer the door?

And there's every chance that next week, when MIL comes in for a chat SIL (who is none the wiser to MIL's hissy fit and the names she's called on here) will say "I'm sorry about last week, I probably came across a bit frazzled but my sister had just split up with her DH/my mother was telling us she's moving to Spain with her 20 year old lover/I've just found out I have terminal cancer and I wanted to tell my family first....

No

MIL was still rude to knock because she had been told SIL wasn't available but she decided that meant something else and then felt FOMO so tried to intrude

SIL still answered the door anyway. She just didn’t invite MIL inside. Not sure how many times it needs to be pointed out that OP literally mentions in the very first post that SIL didn’t invite her in and MIL was upset about it. In another post, OP said dropping things off at their door had never been an issue.

There are also non-emergency reasons that SIL probably didn’t invite her in, regardless of what the reasons were, it wasn’t rude of SIL not to do so.

you are unbelievably rude yourself ,if you expect to be invited in when you have been told the person is not available, when you can see they are busy, and when you can see they already invited someone else.

I can't believe people can be so entitled 😂

You are right, it might be a good thing you don't have DIL, but I feel sorry for your kids partners, because you are a classic MIL!

If you live in the same house, you are being stupid.

If you live in separate home, yes.. you can tell your partner that you are "unavailable" 😂. What kind of door mat would drop everything just because the MAN has decided he wants to pop in?

No. Because she said she was unavailable... because she was unavailable.
Maybe they were discussing cancer, maybe they were discussing Corrie but it doesn't change that for the SIL she was unavailable as much as if she was out of the house or on a Teams call. She doesn't owe MIL, OP or any of us any further explanation or justification. People are merely pointing out that there are a lot of situations where MIL being invited in could have been massively inappropriate and rude to the guests inside the house.

I disagree with your rationale. Let’s leave it at that.

but well done you on discovering the online dictionary, look it up on the word unavailable would ya

She's not entitled to know why, and SIL didn't need to tell her why.. but she does need to tell her not to knock if it is important to SIL that she doesn't knock.

SIL is the one annoyed, if you're really so upset that a family member has knocked on your door, you need to tell them not to knock.. not just vaguely say 'I'm not available' when it is quite clear once MIL turned up that in this instance she is available, she just doesn;t want to come to the door (which MIL was unaware of).. it's confusing as it is the first time it has happened in 4 years.

I'm not sure why people are getting so het up, it's a communication issue, SIL is annoyed because she didn't communicate sufficiently what her expectation was.

Imagine getting so upset that someone bringing you free gift has the audacity to actually knock and hand them over instead of silently leaving them.

MIL does have agency here though, @Lostcat. No one is forcing her to go on a Tuesday, she chooses to do that because it suits her. She could choose a different day or, indeed, not to go at all. That would be perfectly reasonable imo. And if her DS and DIL want the freebies that badly, they can go and get them at a time convenient to the MIL.

But having chosen to still make the trip when she'been told in advance that DIL wouldn't be available she can't later complain about the DIL being, you know, unavailable.

Why is it stupid? Just because I live with a man it doesn't mean I have to make myself available to him. It's keeping clear boundaries and he's intrusive if he wants to find out why I won't talk to him.

I can be physically there but not engage if it doesn't suit me.

There's two issues at play here though.

There is seeing that someone is in and knocking to hand something over.. IMO totally fine and SIL is rude not to just open the door and say thank you, it's common courtesy, it was entitled to ask MIL to put it in the porch in the first place knowing she was in and able to take it off her at the doorstep.

Then there is knocking and having an expectation of being invited in.. even though you have been told that person isn't available to spend time with you that day.. in which case MIL is entitled for expecting that.

MIL can be upset about being treated like a second class citizen, not good enough to even open the door for, but she can't really be upset about not being invited in when there was no expectation that she would be.

Why does someone need to be told not to knock if they already have been told the person is unavailable?

SIL was surprised MIL was knocking because she very much likely thought like the other rare times MIL would just leave the item there as she has done when SIL has been unavailable (zoom call).

MIL knew SIL was unavailable and could have changed the day of drop-off or texted that she had dropped things off and talk to SIL later.

Regardless, that is beside the point when OP is asking if others would have invited her mother in even if they said they were unavailable.

MIL took it personally to not be invited in hence her wondering if she did something wrong or upset SIL when really it could be nothing to do with her and some family stuff going on that SIL hasn’t shared yet.

I don’t know why some are acting as if there isn’t a reason some people would not want to allow people in and/or introduce their family members to their boyfriend’s mum and it not be anything to do with the mum.

She opened the door and why do you think she wouldn’t have thanked her?

Doubt they would have such a nice relationship if SIL never thanked her and I highly doubt she didn’t this time and bet that MIL was more concerned and upset about not being invited in and introduced. Think OP would have also mentioned a lack of thanks or if SIL didn’t thank her mum for these gifts.

Where does it say SIL was annoyed? I’ve been through OPs posts and can’t see where it says this. It does say SIL was surprised but not annoyed. if I’ve missed this glad to be told I’m mistaken

Also, OP has said

“We accept that Mum should not have knocked on door but the intention was not to intrude or demand introductions”

so there you go, MIL realises she shouldn’t have rudely knocked. That’s for you too
@Lostcat

She opened the door and why do you think she wouldn’t have thanked her?

Because instead of thanking her, she bluntly asked her if she hadn't received her text, and was (according to OP) upset with MIL at that point.

She could have answered the door, said 'thanks MIL, I've got my family round today so I'll catch up with next week etc' but instead she chose to berate her for not following her instructions like she is an employee rather than a family member.

If SIL had been gracious at the door, and MIL chose to stand there and be upset about not being let in then I would 100% be saying she was unreasonable and would fully agree with others on here, the fact that she wasn't sure what was happening and knocked to hand over the gifts instead IMO doesn't deserve such a bad attitude, it was a mistake anyone could make and she should have been given the benefit of the doubt.

I think it's bizarre that she didn't invite her in to meet her family

OP said SIL was surprised and then in a much later post that MIL said SIL was upset along with what she would have done in SIL’s place which is basically give information that MIL isn’t entitled to. Neither OP, her mum, or the rest of us can say she was upset since we are not inside SIL’s mind and MIL could have easily assumed SIL was upset with her due to not being invited in.

OP says SiL is a genuinely, nice, straightforward woman who has a genuine friendship with her mother so I again doubt SIL hadn’t said thank you or was upset with MIL. If she is as straightforward as OP claims she is, MIL wouldn’t be wondering if she had done something wrong.