Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

I think if SIL had asked not to be disturbed then MIL would have known not to disturb her, saying she was 'unavailable' when she was actually available was a bit of a risk, unavailable for a coffee and chat doesn't necessarily mean unavailable to answer the door briefly.. more clarity would have prevented the situation all together.

I doubt it. I think it would simply be same problem, different scenario since it was mainly about MIL being not invited in to meet SIL’s family. If SIL had said she was going to be unavailable because she had family over, MIL would be expecting to be invited over.

Can go back and forth with what unavailable means but it really is about MIL expecting to be invited in.

Not all of us are blessed with families that we are jumping at the chance to introduce others to and SIL probably had her reasons not to invite MIL over. Wish more people considered that tbh including OP and MIL instead of taking offence to not being introduced.

Does anyone really say "I'm unavailable which means do not knock my door"?

She'd still have seen there were PEOPLE there and got the hump she wasn't included anyway

Yes, civilised people understand that unavailable means unavailable, don't bother me.

For all MIL knew DIL was hosting an AA meeting, a relative in crisis or other private and serious gathering.

Imagine being so self-centered, pushy and insensitive as to try to barge in uninvited when she has been clearly informed in advance that DIL was unavailable.

Then run home to sob about being excluded and try to stir the pot by calling her son!

In DIL's shoes I would continue to be unavailable for a very long time.

Ooops. Sorry. That was intended for the OP. Did it end up in the wrong place? Apologies.

😂 No problem 😁

This place is like a parallel universe. In my mind, as the MIL, if I had gone over to drop of the stuff (as planned) and it was obvious that people were home, to me it would be just WEIRD to drop the stuff on the porch and leave without any notice. Doing that would feel like bad manners. Literally, anyone I know would knock on the door in these circumstances as it would be very odd to just leave the stuff and skulk away when you can SEE PEOPLE ARE HOME. Christ, even our Evri delivery man doesn't do that regardless of what the delivery instructions are.

The normal thing to do here would be knock on the door and just say - hi how are you, just dropping over the stuff as planned and take if from there. If the SIL looked frazzled and unsure, I would say - 'I won't interrupt, have a lovely time with the family, see you soon'. If the SIL say, 'oh, you must come in and meet the family', I would do that. This is your family for gods sake.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. If she popped over (even if unannounced) and I had other guests there, I would invite her in and introduce them. To do anything else is ridiculously precious.

@ThePlanetaryParade

You would barge in, even if you had been clearly informed in advance that DIL would be unavailable at the time of your usual visit?? Really?

There was no barging suggested. Honestly the aggressive language on this thread directed towards op's dm who has only wver tried to be friendly with her dil is upsetting. "Haha brilliant she's taught a lesson " and all that stuff. Just nasty.

She didn't barge in though did she, she knocked on the door. How anyone can think the SIL is in the right in this situation is beyond me. If she wanted to meet with her family without MIL, then the polite thing to do would be organise the drop off at another time. It screams self centred prick, to arrange this drop off at a time when you have guests (who are literally just your family) with the intention of not inviting MIL in or even acknowledging her presence.

The only person I can think of who might skulk away without knocking is ironically my own mil who is martyrish to the point of painfully exhausting.

@longestlurkerever I mean thats exactly it - to me in this exact same scenario (as the SIL) it would seem very weird if my MIL came over, clearly saw me at home with my family and just leave stuff outside without even knocking. That would be strange to me. The MIL did nothing odd here. The odd behaviour is asking a family member to drop stuff off at your house and not inviting them in just because you have your own family there.

Some people seem to be very weird and cliquey about their own family v their partners family.

Except that the SIL didn't ask her MIL to drop off, did she? The dropoff is at MIL's convenience, not SIL's.

SIL made it totally clear the day before that on this particular Tuesday - as opposed to the many other Tuesdays when she has been warm and welcoming and asked MIL in for a chat and given her food and drink - she wouldn't be available. What part of 'I won't be available' is so unclear that you would require more information?

Knocking on a door, more than once, when you've already been informed that the person on whose door you are knocking is unavailable, most definitely is odd behaviour.

@thing47 I suppose I can't imagine any friend or family member of mine behaving in this way, they are very much a 'more the merrier' non-exclusive, non-cliquey types. To the extent that if you came over and dropped something off when you could see I was was in, without knocking I would think it very weird. Although I am Irish, it may be a cultural thing.

So in my circles, the assumption here would be that the SIL plans must have changed - she was now home when she didn't expect to be. Because it would be very odd to be home, with just your family and tell other family or friends that you are 'not available' and to leave stuff on the porch. I mean who are you, the Queen Mother or something.

This thread is pure MN 😂

"I am unavailable" polite way to say please don't come but if you MUST I am not free, I am not here for you
Oh but I ASSUME she was working. Ok then.. assume away 😂

MIL banging on the door until someone opens: Here I am, I want join the party 😂

then sulks when not invited.. Brilliant

I am also annoyed if I tell the delivery driver to take the parcel elsewhere and they ignore it...

But in this instance the DIL and MIL have a good relationship, so why would the MIL assume the plans have changed? Surely if they had, the DIL would have messaged to that effect - 'I'm around after all today so do please knock on the door', that sort of thing.

But she didn't, so the MIL shouldn't be making any assumptions, she should take her DIL at her word and respect the fact that she is unavailable. To assume.otherwise is really rude.

Exactly.

Either way, MIL making it all about her, and threatening to create a stir with her son, is beyond obnoxious.

exactly this

You're wasting your breath I'm afraid.

People on here seem to like making up imaginary scenarios and pretending that is what actually happened. 'Repeatedly banging on the door,' 'hammering on the door', 'peering through the windows', 'barging in', 'taking round tat that SIL doesn't even want' 'rude, pushy and inconsiderate MIL' etc etc, none of which is in the OPs posts or even hinted at by OP.. it doesn't seem to occur to them that if they need to lie about or massively exaggerate what happened to fit their narrative then chances are that narrative is probably incorrect.

But it suits the fantasists to pretend MIL is some rude, intrusive monster rather than give her the benefit of the doubt and consider that once she realised SIL was actually in it might have been okay to knock the door to handover the gifts rather than just leave them in the porch.

It seems a complete misunderstanding to me and SIL's reaction was OTT when a quick 'thanks MIL, I'm a bit busy at the moment, I'll see you next week' would have sufficed. Even if she though MIL was trying to encroach on her family gathering/get herself invited in, that response would have nipped it in the bud, so what was the point in being rude at all?

If SIL didn't want to be disturbed, and would be pissed off at anyone disturbing her she should have communicated that more effectively than saying she was 'unavailable', when she was quite obviously available to answer the door to receive a package.

Talk about not understanding nuance.

That DIL was physically present does NOT mean she was available. She had tactfully tried to alert MIL to that. But of course thinking only of herself, MIL beat on the door, until "finally" DIL was forced to respond.

It's allllll about MIL.

Normal people would say to themselves "oops, she's busy with guests; I won't disturb them."

No imaginary scenario needed, from the OP:

on this occasion it seemed different and she knocked initially and then again as she thought she hadn’t been heard.

Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work

here were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in

My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

If she just wanted to hand out the stuff and leave, there was no need for the drama, was it.

It' s all in the OP...

No inventing needed when OP had told us everything we need:

MIL's schedule so not SIL insisting she sneak around like some ninja

MIL knocked more than once "in case she hadn't been heard" which means she was being quite insistent rather than "Oh she's busy and probably doesn't want disturbing"

MIL knew who was in the house and doing what before the door opened so must have been looking through a window

MIL wanted to ring DS and thus was making a drama about nothing

Some people on this thread seem to think that because the DIL was physically present she was somehow obliged to interact. She really wasn't, you know.

Unavailable just means unavailable. It doesn't mean unavailable unless someone else deems that your reason is not good enough. If MIL behaves like that she might find her DIL is much less available in the future, and who would benefit from that? Certainly not MIL, who is usually invited in for a cuppa and a chat.

Can you really not imagine any scenario in which someone is hosting people you don't know, and is thus unavailable to see you? Really, not even if you put your mind to it?

"More the merrier" is a lovely approach in the right circumstances. If I'm hosting Friends A and B, and Mutual Friend C drops by, of course I'd invite C in. But if Friend D, who doesn't know A and B, and is a very different person to them and probably wouldn't get along immediately, turns up, I wouldn't invite them in. Does that make sense?

In this case the MIL hasn't met the SIL's family in four years. I assume there's a reason for that, and it's not the kind of reason that can be overriden by a spontaneous drop-in.

I understand why your mum feels upset. Of course it would have been lovely to be invited in.
Just because SIL was with her family, she was busy and asked for the stuff (freebies?) to be left in the porch.

I clearly haven't rtft so I hope sil has mentioned something about it and your DM is feeling better about it now