Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

Wonder if the son who gets the benefit of the freebies and has for aeons before the sil came on the scene says thanks....or is that wifework fun?!

I know you don't want to hear this, but the AIBU was about SIL, not DB.

Of course brother ought to ALSO say thank you. Just because DB used to be the sole beneficiary, doesn't mean that SIL isn't benefitting now. She's prepared to accept them but unwilling to deal with the intrusion of doing that in person. If the gifts are too much of a nuisance then they politely decline, like normal people.

Except that for the vast majority of the time she not only deals with the intrusion but welcomes her MIL in, gives her food and drink, and chats to her.

So on the rare occasion when DIL has told her MIL, in advance, that she won't be able to do that, MIL should accept that gracefully, shouldn't she? You do understand that adults get to choose for themselves whether they are available or not, it's not for someone else to determine otherwise.

This can be argued back and forth forever but the facts remain. SILrightly put up boundaries and MIL didn’t get her own way and get invited in. Good.
Might make her think twice about infringing on another person’s private visit next time and she will never do it again with SIL.

Win Win.

SIL had her visit without minimal intrusion and
MIL learned a lesson. Result!

You don't know the difference between facts and opinions?

It's not an intrusion, it's a visit. A visit with gifts.

Well, you are the one who called it an intrusion, which it was on that occasion.

For the previous 4 years SIL has been a lovely host (from what OP has said) and welcomed her in gladly, I think SIL enjoys her company, why else would she do this week after week?

This one occasion SIL was confused that MIL knocked ( and OP and MIL admitted that she probably shouldn’t have done so) because SIL had told her she wasn’t available, and she doesn’t have to be.

If you had told someone you weren’t available and they tried to invite themselves wouldn’t you be a bit surprised?

You used the word 'intrusion' in your post immediately preceding mine. I'm just using the sane terminology that you used.

I was being sarcastic, referencing previous posts, but I see you actually thought I meant it. I didn't.

I'm talking to people with an entirely different perspective on family and what that means. I'm not going to persuade you, but I'm going to raise my kids to be grateful for kindness and to appreciate the people who care for them.

I am a DIL (not married but together 25 years) and I treat MIL exactly how I would if she were my flesh and blood. DP and I have big families who are close and the thought of treating my MIL how OPs DM was treated really genuinely horrifies me. I wouldn't do that to a stranger. You guys do you though, I'm bored of repeating myself.

OP I hope DM and SIL work it out, a good solid chat should get them back on track.

The fact some posters still think SIL some how invited MIL over despite SIL telling the grown ass adult she was busy and the grown ass adult making the choice to still come over ....

Lots of "grown ass" and capital letters on this thread.

I know.

MIL behaved like an impatient toddler.

One doesn't crash social events without invitation, period.

No one is twisting MIL's arm to drop off the swag. I bet SIL would trade it all for some peace and privacy.

MIL is tolerated 9 x out of 10 and the one time she is asked to drop back she throws a shitfit.

I would LOVE to buy DIL a drink.

A visit that SIL requested not to happen is an intrusion.
“I’m not available to visit with you that day.”
”well I’ve arrived anyway, and I’m now visiting. The visit is already happening and you would be rude to turn me away. It will upset me a lot not to be welcomed inside.”

Intrusion. Pure and simple. To use gifts as leverage just makes it manipulative. SIL did not request a drop off of items.

She specifically asked her to leave the items in the porch...

SIL knew she was coming because she arranged for her to come, the gifts are important because she wouldn't have come otherwise anyway.

MIL had no right to be invited in, but knocking on the door to hand over the gifts shouldn't have been met with such a horrible attitude from SIL, she should have asked her not to knock on the door rather than 'leave the items in the porch' if it was so important that MIL not knock.. MIL isn't a delivery driver and may on good faith do things slightly differently to instructions if she thought she was doing nothing wrong.

The only way this makes sense is if SIL thought MIL was knocking hoping to be allowed to come in, which may have been the case, but again, a simple "thanks MIL, I'm with my family today so I'll catch up with you next week" would have been sufficient to shut that down, rather than be arsey.

But MIL clearly was hoping to come on, proven by the fact that she got so dreadfully upset at not being let in.

She didn't arrange for MIL to come @sandyhappypeople , she always comes on a Tuesday. DIL made it clear that she wouldn't be available on this particular Tuesday in question, but said MIL could leave the items in the porch, as she has done on numerous other occasions, quite happily according to the OP.

She had told MIL she wasn't available, why didn't the MIL just accept that? If someone told me that they weren't available I probably wouldn't bother making the trip. What I wouldn't do is make the trip anyway and then get upset that the person who had told me they'd be unavailable was, in fact, unavailable.

I was actually responding to someone who said "SIL didn't want MIL to come at all, yet not only did she come round besides being told not to, she knocked on the door".

For all intents and purposes, SIL had arranged for her to come, she KNEW she was coming and was happy for her to come.. she just obviously didn't want her coming inside so was trying to avoid coming face to face with her altogether, hence telling her to leave the stuff in the porch.

The DIL didn't arrange for MIL to come, she acquiesced to the MIL's suggestion but asked to not be disturbed as she would be unavailable. MIL could have skipped the drop off, arranged for another day or told her son to collect the merchandise.

Instead she tried to barge in on a private gathering, then went unhinged, cried and had to be stopped from trying to stir things up with a call to her son.

If I were DIL it would be a cold day in hell before these drop offs resumed.

she didn't ask not to be disturbed.

Saying you're not available is the same thing as asking not to be disturbed. It doesn't always mean she's out, it can mean her attention is otherwise engaged and not to be disturbed.

From the OP: 'On Monday evening SIL texts to say she wasn't available.on Tuesday and just leave stuff.in porch'.

Anything there that isn't crystal clear?

Up to this point 'unavailable' to MIL meant being on a teams call or out and physically unable to come to the door, this time, 'unavailable' actually meant she was entertaining guests and didn't want to answer the door, she was obviously there and able to come to the door, she just didn't want to, fair enough, but confusing enough to MIL who had never encountered that situation before.

I think if SIL had asked not to be disturbed then MIL would have known not to disturb her, saying she was 'unavailable' when she was actually available was a bit of a risk, unavailable for a coffee and chat doesn't necessarily mean unavailable to answer the door briefly.. more clarity would have prevented the situation all together.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree - if I said I was unavailable and somebody nosed through the window and then knocked on my door, I'd be pretty pissed off because in my mind, I've told them not to disturb me.

Unavailable because on a Teams call: talking to other people in a way that's important.
Unavailable because family are visiting: talking to other people in a way that's important.
She's only less available if you think time with her family is less important than her work, which is a really sad way to think of anything.

Unavailable just means unavailable. MIL shouldn't be assuming anything other than that her DIL is unavailable. If she had just accepted that at face value instead of being nosy and/or deciding for herself that her DIL was available.despite being clearly told that she wasn't, this thread wouldn't exist.