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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 14:18

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:12

Why was it not rude or entitled then when MIL was perfectly ok with it, but it’s rude now?

Because MIL knew the previous times that she physically couldn't come to the door (because of being in a teams meeting or being out), so based on that was happy to just leave the items in the porch for her instead.

This time, SIL was quite obviously available, she just didn't want to be disturbed instead (which is very different IMO) and she obviously didn't want MIL coming anywhere near her family.. MIL had no idea this was the case until she turned up at the door.

Without the information that SIL 'didn't want to be disturbed' MIL decided to knock to do the hand over instead, absolutely nothing wrong with that assumption IMO, and SIL should have been a bit more gracious about it considering it was a misunderstanding based on an lack of information.

I'm pretty sure if SIL had been considerate enough to tell MIL why she would be unable to come to the door and asked her if she could still drop off or if she would prefer to rearrange? MIL would have chosen to just leave the items in the porch and there would have been no misunderstanding on her part whatsoever.

Again, making SIL have to explain her plans to MIL when unavailable should be more than enough.

A zoom call is talking and giving attention to someone. It really comes down to MIL wanting to be allowed in when SIL didn’t meet her requirement/view of unavailable.

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:19

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 14:11

Declaring yourself unavailable is not the same as actually being unavailable.

What utter nonsense.

Someone telling you they’re unavailable means that they’re unavailable to you. No other explanation was needed/ nor should have been warranted.

SIL was unavailable to MIL. I also bet that SIL thought that MIL would simply do the same thing she has done when SIL has been unavailable, hence her being surprised that MIL knocked in the door and asking her if she has received her message.

OP may say her mum isn’t intrusive but that doesn’t mean SIL should have to include her in her time with her own family.

I also bet that SIL thought that MIL would simply do the same thing she has done when SIL has been unavailable

This was exactly why she told her she was unavailable without elaborating, she wanted MIL to come, leave the stuff and piss off again.. that was the rude part IMO, she should have given MIL the options and let her decide for herself rather than let her turn up under false pretences.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:20

This time, SIL was quite obviously available

Wrong

She was obviously UNAVAILABLE as she was entertaining guests

It's not on you to judge what is an acceptable reason

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:21

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 13:29

It wasn’t rude the other times, OP literally says it wasn’t and there was no issue, yet this time is different?

Why was it not rude or entitled then when MIL was perfectly ok with it, but it’s rude now?

MIL was perfectly fine with this until she saw that others were inside.

Edited

Because she was inside the house entertaining other family and couldn’t even be arsed to say hello/ thanks when someone was kindly dropping a gift at her door!

I cannot fathom how people don’t understand how that is rude.
The levels of obtuseness are above and beyond.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:23

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:19

I also bet that SIL thought that MIL would simply do the same thing she has done when SIL has been unavailable

This was exactly why she told her she was unavailable without elaborating, she wanted MIL to come, leave the stuff and piss off again.. that was the rude part IMO, she should have given MIL the options and let her decide for herself rather than let her turn up under false pretences.

WHAT false pretense?

SIL said she was unavailable. MIL still turned up. SIL was unavailable because she was busy with other people.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:25

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:21

Because she was inside the house entertaining other family and couldn’t even be arsed to say hello/ thanks when someone was kindly dropping a gift at her door!

I cannot fathom how people don’t understand how that is rude.
The levels of obtuseness are above and beyond.

She was BUSY with other people

It would have been rude to then to leave them alone whilst she went to fawn over someone who'd already been told she wasn't available

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:27

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:21

Because she was inside the house entertaining other family and couldn’t even be arsed to say hello/ thanks when someone was kindly dropping a gift at her door!

I cannot fathom how people don’t understand how that is rude.
The levels of obtuseness are above and beyond.

please look up the word unavailable in the dictionary because I think you’re having a brain fart moment.

SIL has no obligation to explain why she unavailable

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:28

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:25

She was BUSY with other people

It would have been rude to then to leave them alone whilst she went to fawn over someone who'd already been told she wasn't available

fawn

nutty bongo.

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:29

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:27

please look up the word unavailable in the dictionary because I think you’re having a brain fart moment.

SIL has no obligation to explain why she unavailable

SIL’s behaviour was exceptionally rude

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:32

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:29

SIL’s behaviour was exceptionally rude

Why? Because she wasn’t available and was forced away from her guests? That isn’t rudeness. Please look up rude too.

MIL was extremely rude

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 14:33

At the end of the day MIL didn’t get her invite in. She’s pissed off.
Maybe SIL didn’t mention she would be busy with family she KNEW MIL would invite herself in to ‘say hello’ so she said unavailable which, in fact, she was. Maybe DIL family were not up for seeing MIL. Who knows?

MIL does not call the shots of when she gets to be entertained or hosted. She was told UNAVAILABLE but she did her utmost to muscle in anyway by banging on the door until SIL finally answered because SHE WANTED TO BE BROUGHT IN, not because she wanted to hand over the stuff personally.

READ the thread title, THAT is the issue, the fact she wasn’t brought in and she was sore so ran home crying and wanting to ring her son to complain THAT SHE WASN’T BROUGHT IN!

Not today MIL. Sorry. Like I said .. UNAVAILABLE.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:33

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:28

fawn

nutty bongo.

It's a freebie MIL brings almost weekly

It's lost all meaning by this point beyond a "Oh cheers again" text

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:35

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:32

Why? Because she wasn’t available and was forced away from her guests? That isn’t rudeness. Please look up rude too.

MIL was extremely rude

No , again, she was exceptionally rude because she expected MIL to drop off gifts on her doorstep while she was obviously at home entertaining other family. she thinks mil is the postman/ santa,

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 14:35

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:21

Because she was inside the house entertaining other family and couldn’t even be arsed to say hello/ thanks when someone was kindly dropping a gift at her door!

I cannot fathom how people don’t understand how that is rude.
The levels of obtuseness are above and beyond.

It’s not obtuseness. It is taking in what OP has said about what happened according to her mum and the relationship between MIL and SIL.

OP says SIL has been absolutely lovely to her mum for four years and has not stopped MIL doing her usual visits and dropping things off for her son that has been done before she moved in. SIL has also welcomed her in with coffee/tea during these times and they have gone out separately. The rare times SIL has said she has been unavailable, her mother has simply dropped things off and it hasn’t been an issue.

Now it is an issue because SIL who said she was unavailable didn’t invite her mum in. That is exactly what OP says in the title and asks others would they have done the same. Even if SIL thanked her (bet SIL did and her mum was more concerned about not being invited in), MIL would have still been upset because she wasn’t allowed in.

Neither OP, MIL or any of us know why. It could be a private family matter that has nothing to do or any concerns with OP or MIL. Regardless of the reason, SIL was well in her right not to invite MIL in nor was it rude not to and MIL could have simply done what she had agreed to and waited until her next visit to ask SIL instead of jumping to conclusions and making herself upset because SIL didn’t invite her in this one time, despite her tellling her before she was unavailable.

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 14:37

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:35

No , again, she was exceptionally rude because she expected MIL to drop off gifts on her doorstep while she was obviously at home entertaining other family. she thinks mil is the postman/ santa,

Edited

She didn’t expect, she was told they were being dripped off. MIL chooses the dates and times.

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:39

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 14:37

She didn’t expect, she was told they were being dripped off. MIL chooses the dates and times.

She absolutely did expect. She knew mil was coming and expected her to just drop them off while she was obviously at home entertaining others

expected adjective [before noun] (WAITED FOR)believed to be going to happen or arrive:

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:41

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:23

WHAT false pretense?

SIL said she was unavailable. MIL still turned up. SIL was unavailable because she was busy with other people.

so why not say that? Why give the reason you give when you are working or out.. which is what MIL obviously expected when she agreed to drop the things in the porch.

'unavailable' to MIL means SIL can't come to the door, but unavailable this time meant she could, she just didn't want to.. fair enough but if you don't want to confuse people then try being a little more concise.

SIL didn't want her knocking, so she needed to ask her specifically not to knock.. or let her re-arrange on that basis, not just assume she would blindly follow instructions like a DPD driver.

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 14:45

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:39

She absolutely did expect. She knew mil was coming and expected her to just drop them off while she was obviously at home entertaining others

expected adjective [before noun] (WAITED FOR)believed to be going to happen or arrive:

Edited

😂😂😂 she expected her drop them in the porch, like times before when she was unavailable which OP mentioned was no issue on either the times before OR the time in question.

MIL saw activity and wanted in that house and did her best to do so. It didn’t go in her favour and I love that for her. You don’t get to invite yourself into other peoples’s visits by banging the door down. Lesson in there for her. Boundaries are put in place for people who don’t have any.

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 14:47

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:41

so why not say that? Why give the reason you give when you are working or out.. which is what MIL obviously expected when she agreed to drop the things in the porch.

'unavailable' to MIL means SIL can't come to the door, but unavailable this time meant she could, she just didn't want to.. fair enough but if you don't want to confuse people then try being a little more concise.

SIL didn't want her knocking, so she needed to ask her specifically not to knock.. or let her re-arrange on that basis, not just assume she would blindly follow instructions like a DPD driver.

It’s not confusing unless you believe people need to tell you why they’re unavailable.

MIL has dropped things off before during a zoom call where SIL would be inside and as OP has said, it’s the not inviting her in that is the crux of the matter.

Considering how MIL reacted, what makes you think she wouldn’t have had the same reaction if SIL had told her she was going to be unavailable because she was having her own family over and not including MIL?

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:47

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:39

She absolutely did expect. She knew mil was coming and expected her to just drop them off while she was obviously at home entertaining others

expected adjective [before noun] (WAITED FOR)believed to be going to happen or arrive:

Edited

MIL is an adult. She can say "Oh if you're unavailable then I'll bring them another time" if she doesn't want to leave things in the porch

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:51

😂😂😂 she expected her drop them in the porch, like times before when she was unavailable which OP mentioned was no issue on either the times before OR the time in question.

There was no other time where she expected her MIL to deliver gifts to her door while she was obviously in entertaining other family. This is the first time that happened and it was very rude.

It’s perfectly possible to have boundaries without being rude and entitled and treating your MIL like the DPD driver (except without the pay) 😂

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:51

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:35

No , again, she was exceptionally rude because she expected MIL to drop off gifts on her doorstep while she was obviously at home entertaining other family. she thinks mil is the postman/ santa,

Edited

She doesn’t expect it. This is the ONLY day she brings all this stuff for her son. As mentioned by the OP.

It is a weekly thing, and on this occasion SIL was UNAVAILABLE. Of which she doesn’t need to explain why.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:51

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:41

so why not say that? Why give the reason you give when you are working or out.. which is what MIL obviously expected when she agreed to drop the things in the porch.

'unavailable' to MIL means SIL can't come to the door, but unavailable this time meant she could, she just didn't want to.. fair enough but if you don't want to confuse people then try being a little more concise.

SIL didn't want her knocking, so she needed to ask her specifically not to knock.. or let her re-arrange on that basis, not just assume she would blindly follow instructions like a DPD driver.

Because it's NOT MIL'S FUCKING BUSINESS WHY SHE'S UNAVAILABLE!

FFS

She is not entitled to know WHY. She has been told SIL is Unavailable. She can make the decision whether to leave in the porch or not off the bit of information she needed to have and was given

She WAS unavailable. She doesn't have to have it justified or judged as to whether it was "acceptably" unavailable

MIL didn't need to knock because she had been told SIL was unavailable. She made a choice to knock.

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:52

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:51

She doesn’t expect it. This is the ONLY day she brings all this stuff for her son. As mentioned by the OP.

It is a weekly thing, and on this occasion SIL was UNAVAILABLE. Of which she doesn’t need to explain why.

She did expect it. She knew she was coming and was expecting her to deliver the freebies while she was inside entertaining others.

expected adjective [before noun] (WAITED FOR)believed to be going to happen or arrive: The expected counterattack never happened. The painting sold for three times the expected price.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:53

Can't believe how many people think they are entitled to judge what is acceptable as "unavailable"

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