Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

SHE didn't encourage her
MIL comes when it suits her

The MIL loves the social aspect of it, she loves being brought in, given coffee and lunch and being brought out occasionally which is WHY she ran home crying that she WASN'T brought in and entertained so much so she wanted to ring her son to complain. The bloody thread title is complaining that she wasn't brought it. That is the main issue...MIL was upset that she wasn't brought in.

@Lostcat I didn't make it up, OP literally says in one of her updates on Friday that the day she goes to DIL is determined by the MIL's schedule!

And for the vast majority of the time, this works fine and the DIL is very welcoming.

MIL does not want to come on a different day, and that's fine too, but that's why the DIL didn't suggest it. So no, that wouldn't have made anything clearer as a matter of fact.

If someone who I generally have a good relationship with tells me they aren't available on a given day, then I either wouldn't go that day or I would just drop the items off, a practice which is firmly established as an option in this case. What I wouldn't do is assume that the person is available really and insist on interacting with them.

If that were the motive she wouldn’t bother to drop the gifts on the doorstep when SIL told her she was out would she?

The reason MIL was upset was not because she was missing out on a social event (she was not expecting a social event as she thought SIL was out). She was upset that SIL was rude enough to expect her to leave the gift at the door while she was in fact inside entertaining family, and couldn’t be arsed to even come say hello and thanks , let alone invite her in! She was upset because that is BEYOND RUDE!!!

Also why do you assumed MIL enjoys the social aspect , but that for SIL it’s a burden, despite the fact that OP has expressly said otherwise?

So much projection on this thread.

The MIL drops to HER OWN schedule so if SIL cannot do that time it's tough luck for MIL.

READ the thread title. *Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in *
THAT is the issue.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro

Can YOU tell me why MIL knocked? WHY did she need to? Seems like MIL can't say why either.

WHERE did I say it was a burden for SIL to have MIL in?

OP said that her mother has dropped things off without talking to SIL the rare times SIL has says she was unavailable.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.
On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

The only difference now is MIL’s definition of unavailable isn’t the same as SIL’s.

You’re choosing to make SIL out as entitled because this one single time out of FOUR years she didn’t allow MIL in when SIL clearly said she was unavailable.

My guess is MIL is so used to SIL making time for her during these drop-off visits that it never occurred to her that SIL may be unavailable to spend time with other people outside her and her side of the family.

I rather have a DIL like her than a MIL who would choose to perceive a slight after four years of visits and spending time together outside of those visits.

It really isn't rude to be unavailable on a day when you have previously warned someone that you won't be available.

Why she is unavailable, and what she is doing, is irrelevant, and no one else's business.

The OP has also expressly said that her SIL stops work to socialise with the MIL.

Posters: SIL should tell MIL to come another day as she's busy that day
OP: MIL goes when it's convenient to her
Posters: as she should. SIL wants the free things then she should deal with it

SIL cannot win. She will always be in the wrong with some here

@ThatRubyMoose
Personally I think your Sister in Law is entitled to private time with her own family. Maybe her lot are a nightmare and she’s handling a difficult situation.

However this bit made me cringe:
‘My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.’

Is your mother a child that you have to stop doing things?

Let your mother and SIL do their own thing and stay out of it.

Yes and little thought to her own family who she was unavailable for.

MIL doesn't have to go at all though. She doesn't need to come on any day. If the day she can do is not convenient for SIL then DB or SIL can collect them from MIL another day if they want them.

SIL should have declined the gifts that week because she wasn't in a position to accept them politely.

You’re choosing to make SIL out as entitled because this one single time out of FOUR years she didn’t allow MIL in when SIL clearly said she was unavailable

Nope.Being unavailable is fine. again- she is entitled because she expected MIL to drop a gift on her doorstep without so much as a hello / thanks while she was actually just inside the house entertaining others . That. Is. Beyond. Rude.

Quite

They are visiting their daughter/sister/aunt/cousin/whatever (possibly a less common occurrence than SIL entertaining MIL) and she has to stop entertaining them to fawn over MIL. And invite the woman in to intrude on their family time?

What part of 'I'm not available on Tuesday' would be unclear?

I agree with you that MIL didn't need to come at all in those circumstances. But even having all the information required, she still decided to come anyway. That was a choice she made, so that's totally on her. She could have made a different choice.

MIL can equally say "oh if you aren't available this week, I'll keep the items until next week and bring them all at once"

As these aren't apparently time sensitive freebies. She is the one who is insisting on weekly drop offs. It would be easier for her all round to do a fortnightly/monthly drop off

Busy entertaining others IS being unavailable

Dropping off in to the porch is an established practise for them regarding SIL being unavailable

It wasn’t rude the other times, OP literally says it wasn’t and there was no issue, yet this time is different?

Why was it not rude or entitled then when MIL was perfectly ok with it, but it’s rude now?

MIL was perfectly fine with this until she saw that others were inside.

Yes but she doesn't mind if SIL is working. Working is fair enough.

But to declare herself "unavailable" with no elaboration meant that MIL was always going to arrive there expecting SIL to be working and then see/hear people in the house. She might well have assumed that plans had changed as a result. I certainly wouldn't think it reasonable to ban family from knocking my door unless I was incapable of answering.

DM's then left feeling like a mug for taking gifts to leave in a porch because SIL is clearly there although isn't prepared to take 10 seconds to say hello and thank you. If there is a reason she couldn't say hello then she should have explained before or while answering the door, which would have prevented all of this.

Declaring yourself unavailable is not the same as actually being unavailable. Sometimes you're just choosing not to be there, and that's a different matter to having a work meeting.

MIL is beyond rude to have persistently bashed on the door despite being informed the SIL was unavailable that day. Rude, intrusive behaviour. And to go home crying and have to be stopped calling her son is acting like a spoilt childish brat.

she takes the free crap over to suit her schedule, she has been accommodated by SIL for 4 years. I think SIL is allowed one week off without having to explain what she is doing

Why is SIL the go between for the feee shit which pre-dated SILs arrival on the scene? bet her son can do no wrong!!

No

Unavailable is Unavailable. All that she needs to know is SIL is Unavailable. Simple as. Expecting any more is intrusive and demanding.

If she wanted to see SIL then arrange a different day when you've been told she's Unavailable

I can tell someone I'm Unavailable to meet because I've made plans to do Fuck All that day. I'm still Unavailable because I have plans, just because those plans aren't me leaving the house or being at work doesn't mean I am lying. It's not different to a work meeting

And, as SIL was entertaining other guests, then yes it is like a work meeting in that it's not appropriate to invade that space

It's interesting how differently everyone sees the nature of being unavailable. A lot of people seem to see hosting her own family as a lesser unavailable than working. She can't be interrupted on a work call but she can be interrupted when talking to her nan, when the DIL rightly puts them on an equal footing availability-wise.

Clearly some people here think they are entitled to being told other people's plans so they can judge if they have an "acceptable" reason not to see them

It speaks a lot of the culture of work over family which is sad

Declaring yourself unavailable is not the same as actually being unavailable.

What utter nonsense.

Someone telling you they’re unavailable means that they’re unavailable to you. No other explanation was needed/ nor should have been warranted.

SIL was unavailable to MIL. I also bet that SIL thought that MIL would simply do the same thing she has done when SIL has been unavailable, hence her being surprised that MIL knocked in the door and asking her if she has received her message.

OP may say her mum isn’t intrusive but that doesn’t mean SIL should have to include her in her time with her own family.

Why was it not rude or entitled then when MIL was perfectly ok with it, but it’s rude now?

Because MIL knew the previous times that she physically couldn't come to the door (because of being in a teams meeting or being out), so based on that was happy to just leave the items in the porch for her instead.

This time, SIL was quite obviously available, she just didn't want to be disturbed instead (which is very different IMO) and she obviously didn't want MIL coming anywhere near her family.. MIL had no idea this was the case until she turned up at the door.

Without the information that SIL 'didn't want to be disturbed' MIL decided to knock to do the hand over instead, absolutely nothing wrong with that assumption IMO, and SIL should have been a bit more gracious about it considering it was a misunderstanding based on an lack of information.

I'm pretty sure if SIL had been considerate enough to tell MIL why she would be unable to come to the door and asked her if she could still drop off or if she would prefer to rearrange? MIL would have chosen to just leave the items in the porch and there would have been no misunderstanding on her part whatsoever.