Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

Come on, she didn't just "knock on the door" like a polite human being. How would she know the house was full looking at closed front door for a start?

It'd be fairly obvious at my house. If it wasn't obvious she probably wouldn't have rung the bell at all

Through the windows at the front? Because she can hear them?

I'm sorry but am I missing something here....SIL is totally rude not inviting MIL in and introducing her to her family!! I would NEVER do that as find it very rude that she kept them separate!

Who will be someone's DIL

Think about that ....

She obviously doesn't expect that
OP said things are dropped off to suit MIL's schedule which means SIL doesn't have a say in when it is

Most of the time she goes out of her way to speak with MIL, even taking her out on trips, but she's now a greedy, grasping bitch because ONE time she is unavailable because she dares to spend some time with her own family for once

People are allowed to have boundaries.

Perhaps MIL's self-centered pushiness makes it undesirable to introduce her to others.

I still don't understand why MIL cannot hold on to the items until her son, who wants them, can collect them.

Why does she feel the need to consistently intrude on the DIL's precious time? Talk about tone deaf.

If it is any help to your Mum some families like to have their own "space" on in law or out law side. Traditional families sometimes invite everybody in that turns up at the door. If I had family I did not see frequently I would like time with them on my own. Similar to a pecking order so I can understand why the sister in law was holding space between the two families

It’s bonkers that what you have taken away from MIL delivering free stuff to her sons/ DIL’s doorstep is that she’s is rude and overbearing. Attitudes like this fill me with relief I only have daughters.

right xx

presumably because she is trying to be / believes she is being helpful!!!!! (By delivering free stuff they want to their door),

There is no suggestion from OP that Son/ DIL feel otherwise.

If they do all they need to do is tell her, like normal, polite , considerate people!!!

And I'm so glad I'll never be a mother-in-law never knowing if you are doing right or wrong.

Are these 'high-end' items being dropped off for the brother alcohol, by any chance? There could be all sorts of reasons why SiL didn't want to leave these particular visitors to answer the door, then walk back into the house carrying eg a bottle of champagne

Also to invite yourself over every week and expecting to be accommodated despite the fact you know the person is working. That’s just bizarre.

@Catsbreakfast Have you actually read all of the OP's posts?

Sil has been good to your mother so I would give her ( sil ) the benefit of the doubt in this situation and not make an issue

This is so bizarre. If the SIL was busy with another social event her MIL wasn't welcome to attend why the fuck would she encourage her to drive over and drop stuff off outside the house? Where she could see there was event going on that she was excluded from (i guess the free stuff was a priority?!)

A few people short of some brain cells here.

Just do it another time?

There is no suggestion that DIL does want then either. As the dropoffs pre-date the DIL, it's fair to think that the primary beneficiary is the DS.

These items are.dropped off according to the MIL's schedule, she won't countenance a different day, and yet despite that the DIL usually invites her in for tea and a chat, sometimes lunch. Given that this is the norm, on the rare occasion that the DIL says she is not available on a Tuesday, the MIL really needs to respect that.

And she did tell MIL. She said she wasn't available that day. How much clearer could she be?

These items are.dropped off according to the MIL's schedule, she won't countenance a different day

why are you just making things up?

As the dropoffs pre-date the DIL, it's fair to think that the primary beneficiary is the DS.

So bloody what? It’s not for MIL’s benefit is it?! DS is DIL’s PARTNER. If someone comes and drops free stuff to my house that benefits my partner , I would reciprocate with basic courtesy . Wouldn’t you?? Also apparently the items are meals out and hotel stays. Pretty nice items, that anyone could benefit from/ enjoy wouldn’t you say?

And she did tell MIL. She said she wasn't available that day. How much clearer could she be?

If you are intending to be AT HOME, hosting other people, and you can’t even have the manners to open the door and say thank you to the person going out of her way to do you / your partner a favour by delivering free shit to your door, then you say “please don’t come that day, please come a different day”. That is how much clearer she could have been.

Is this how you treat your MIL? Are so many mumsnetters really this rude , ungrateful and unpleasant in real life?

I did. I also read the bit where the mother has let herself into the brothers house before the arrival of the girlfriend to clean. Or that the sister in law steps away from work for lunches etc when she turns uo
weekly. As if this level of intrusion is completely normal.

I am just reading the description of the "incident' and the drama that followed.

Delivery free stuff THAT SOMEONE DID NOT ASK FOR is not doing a favour btw. It's like posters so obsessed with their "thoughtful gifts". The DIL sounds more than polite enough about it, interrupting her work day, inviting her MIL for food, taking her out and so on.
For once she didn't cancel everything else, there's a ridiculous over-reaction from the MIL

Attitudes like this fill me with relief I only have daughters. hopefully they are not pushover and will know how to impose boundaries with you, and their MIL>

However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.
So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.
So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.
On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue

Going my OP's account the SIL STOPS work to accommodate MIL on a regular basis, they have coffee, lunch and has also taken her out. If she is not available they have an agreement that the "free stuff that precedes SIL" is left on the porch. The night before was one of those times as SIL know she was unable to bring MIL for tea or lunch as she was hosting her family. Who know what is going on in any family and why she wanted or needed privacy but that is NOBODY else's business.

MIL knocks numerous times on the door, SIL answers and is surprised to see MIL there and asks her if she did get the text saying she was not available maybe in case she hasn't see it and got mixed up. MIL knocked TO be brought in, that is in fact why she ran home crying threatening to ring her son and tell on the SIL because she WASN'T invited in.

The woman could not even give a REASON why she knocked when asked because she KNEW why she did, she wanted an invite inside only this time it didn't work in her favour and rightly so.

If someone tells you they are not available, they are NOT available. You don't get to knock anyway because you see activity inside. Fair play to the DIL for sticking to her boundaries and not inviting MIL in. Good on her.

The day they are distributed is because of my mother’s ‘schedule’ and sometimes my brother is in when Mum goes to his house. My mother does understand WFH and she does do this herself sometimes

Also MIL determines when the stuff is brought around due to HER schedule.

Delivery free stuff THAT SOMEONE DID NOT ASK FOR is not doing a favour btw.

So weird . What makes you think they didn’t ask for them/ want them? Of course she’s doing them a favour.
Why do you suppose mil is doing this for herself? Why would anyone rational do that. Bizarre.

hopefully they are not pushover and will know how to impose boundaries with you, and their MIL

i will never raise my daughters to be rude, entitled and unpleasant enough to expect people to deliver them free stuff to their door while they are entertaining others inside and be so rude as to not even come to the threshold to say thank you , let alone invite them in 😂😂. They are barely in double digits and not that rude.