Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

I agree with you.

Based on her knocking repeatedly and then crying and having to be stopped from calling her son, I don't think SIL feels able to say no I don't want these things or can't you save them up until your son is here.

Idk if these others posters have ever dealt with someone telling you they're bringing you a gift and you have to be in or they kick off. It's extremely annoying! Especially when you don't even want the thing.

SIL takes her out, invites her in and spends time with her

ONE day she is unavailable because she's seeing her own family and MIL throws a hissy fit

I agree.

I'm guessing they've never had someone who gets offended that their constant freebies are rejected and take it as a personal slight

In a way I hope she does call to complain so SIL has the opportunity to say OK fine, I won't accept these things anymore, but what a waste of seemingly a positive relationship.

I wonder why the son isn’t getting any grief from you all. He should be the one to communicate with his own Mum if these things are not wanted

It's quite depressing to read how rude the majority of people are. I cannot imagine telling any of my family to leave things on the doorstep if I was actually in, unless there was some good reason (online interview or something) that I'd then want to explain to excuse my rudeness. Mil obviously thought "oh sil is in after all, I'll just say hello" and was met with an almost literal door slammed in her face. And everyone on mn thinks she's in the wrong and, what is more, all previous interactions were likely resented and unwelcome too. Everyone so hung up on maintaining boundaries that they forget to build bridges. Is there any wonder there's simultaneously a thread going wondering why everyone seems so unhappy and disconnected these days?

it's give and take.

My sister would knock on my door, and at most would say "I see you are in, I give this to you instead of leaving it, you are busy, so call me soon" and disappear.

That's normal.

That's not what MIL was like though, is it? Wanting to call her son in tears to complain because she didn't get an invite is a big clue.

But not having introduced a local mil to your family in 4 years is also a clue.

I think it's a big clue that MIL is overestimating her closeness with DIL.

Just because DIL puts on a grin and chats with MIL when MIL shows up with the freebies doesn't mean she isn't inwardly seething at yet another interruption and yet another pile of tat to deal with. Many people are polite and smiling when inwardly they are thinking "will she never leave?!"

MIL seems to announce when she is coming by at her own convenience. DIL tried to compromise by saying "leave it on the porch" instead of asking MIL to reorganize her week, or instead of outright rejecting the freebies. And look what that got her!

Those who call DIL rude are amazing. What's rude is peering into someone's home, seeing that they are hosting a social event, and beating on the door for attention, repeatedly. Then getting the hump and rushing home threatening to tattle to her son! Mind-blowing entitlement and rudeness.

I'm going to boast now as have got 2 jars of early rhubarb jam. One of the greatest things out of Yorkshire imo.

when MIL shows up with the freebies doesn't mean she isn't inwardly seething at yet another interruption and yet another pile of tat to deal with

it’s just unbelievable.
I am SO GLAD I only have daughters.

I haven’t RTFT but I’ve read the OP’s posts.

The SIL sounds bloody rude to me on this occasion. She’s happy to take freebies from the OP’s mum so frankly the very least she could have done is invite her in once she’d knocked. She obviously expects the OP’s mum to come round and drop freebies off even if she’s not available so to be honest she sounds quite grasping.

if you are a decent human being and respect boundaries, it's irrelevant.

Sil doesn't owe MIL an explanation.
She's allowed to do her own thing without the 3rd degree.
Mils in the wrong.
Tying yourself in knots trying to blame the sil.
Sil has been nothing but nice and welcoming.

Clearly not, as evidenced by this insane thread

exactly. But apparently SIL is being generous to let her deliver said freebies at a time of her convenience, and therefore she must leave them on the doorstep without a peep. Furthermore , she’s outrageously disrespectful for daring to have emotions 😆

IS she happy, though? The OP says it's the son who likes the freebies. Why doesn't MIL deliver them on his time, rather than on DIL's?

She’s got a tongue in her head, hasn’t she? As does the brother?

Maybe she enjoys spending time with her mother-in-law and the freebies don't matter to her one way or the other.

There is no third degree, there is an obligation to either a) be polite to people bringing you gifts.
b) provide a reasonable justification for the impolite behaviour

OR

People will think you're rude.

No knots, it's quite simple.

It's horrible isn't it? My mil is pretty hard work tbh but she is dh's mum and loves us all and being kind amd rolerant is part of being a family., not something to seethe with resentment over.

It's weird to me. DP's family are different to my own so adjustments have been made on both sides, but they mean well and want the best for us. We are lucky to have all the people who are fighting our corner, even when things don't go 100% smoothly they have accepted me warts and all, and love our children to pieces.

I hope to be able to do the same for my own children, and am fully prepared to work at that.

I do think some people see in-laws as a challenge from the off, or assume families will blend seamlessly without problems, and don't cope when challenges come up. Expect problems and work on those in good faith, like with everything. Some people are dickheads of course, but also so many relationships break down because some look for the bad and not the good in people.

My PIL can be a moody arse, but he is also generous and kind and I know if I needed anything from him he wouldn't hesitate to step up and I'd do the same for him. I can be a stubborn opinionated shit too and he puts up with that with more grace than I deserve sometimes. I respect him a lot.

what this thread is showing, is that over-bearing and rude MIL don't deserve any space or time

If you intend to peer at the window to check what's happening into your kids' partners house, bang at the door until someone finally opens the door, go home in a huff and cry to the family threatening to make a scene to the partner.. then you might have a problem indeed 😂

I agree that seething with resentment is wrong.

Putting a foot down and kindly be firm, like the DIL on this thread? perfect.

A supportive and generous mil deserves "no time or space" because she once knocked on a door, assuming she'd be welcome to say a quick hello? Fuck me human relationships have fallen apart. Presumably sil will never want any kindness or favours from mil in the future either. I only hope that sil is in fact not thinking any of the things attributed to her by posters on here and in fact was just a bit flustered and uncharacteristically thoughtless. I actually would mention to mu db that mum was upset so they can reach out and smoothe things over