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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
Silverfoxette · 15/02/2025 10:28

My take on it is that the freebies are taken for granted and SIL should have just said please don’t call round today, I have visitors, but she wanted the free stuff so wouldn’t do that.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 10:36

Freebies are dropped round based on MIL's schedule

Which means it was HER not SIL who requested the Tuesday drop off and it's organised to be convenient to her

But those wanting to claim SIL was horribly rude and grabby based on "all the info" chose to ignore that bit

Thirteenblackcat · 15/02/2025 10:50

Silverfoxette · 15/02/2025 10:28

My take on it is that the freebies are taken for granted and SIL should have just said please don’t call round today, I have visitors, but she wanted the free stuff so wouldn’t do that.

I didn’t take it that way at all but then I’m not materialistic

Nbo · 15/02/2025 10:59

ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 18:38

Why? How?
She didn't pay deposit. She stays at home in PJs pretending to WFH very hard apparently, chomps on freebies and she's merely a lodger. You don't own the guys house 50/50 just cos you move in. Test my theory in law

Are you ok? You seem like you need help….

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 11:12

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 10:36

Freebies are dropped round based on MIL's schedule

Which means it was HER not SIL who requested the Tuesday drop off and it's organised to be convenient to her

But those wanting to claim SIL was horribly rude and grabby based on "all the info" chose to ignore that bit

Oh bless you.

She's taking SIL high end gifts, and you want her to go out of her way to do that when it's not convenient for her? So that SIL doesn't have to pause her conversation to say thank you?

I'd love someone I like to intrude on my doorstep expecting thanks for the high end gifts they're dropping off. I think most people could put up with that tbh.

WorkItUpYourBangle · 15/02/2025 11:22

Your mother was told she wasn't available for a visit. What made her think she had the right to impose herself upon her like that when she'd been told not to? What if SIL had a family member round to tell them face to face that they had some terrible news or something? Then your mother arrives knocking doors and taking the hump because she wasn't included? What is it with MIL that makes them think they're somehow above their DIL? I mean to be fair, I wouldn't treat my sons girlfriend like his wife until she was his wife so there's that but even so, your mother needs to learn to respect boundaries.

phoenixrosehere · 15/02/2025 11:30

Silverfoxette · 15/02/2025 10:28

My take on it is that the freebies are taken for granted and SIL should have just said please don’t call round today, I have visitors, but she wanted the free stuff so wouldn’t do that.

She told her she wasn’t unavailable. I don’t know why people think unavailable doesn’t mean busy and MIL still agreed to drop it off anyway as she has done the rare times SIL has been unavailable.

I would not want to deal with telling someone I’m unavailable and then having them expect to know the reason when it has nothing to do with them so they can judge whether or not it meets their standards of if I’m actually available in their eyes or not.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 11:30

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 11:12

Oh bless you.

She's taking SIL high end gifts, and you want her to go out of her way to do that when it's not convenient for her? So that SIL doesn't have to pause her conversation to say thank you?

I'd love someone I like to intrude on my doorstep expecting thanks for the high end gifts they're dropping off. I think most people could put up with that tbh.

Plenty of people have said SIL should have said "I can't make X time, what about Y?"

It was in response to them

And BTW, you don't have to be gushingly grateful to someone giving you constant shit from work. It just becomes a farce tbh after 4 years. They aren't special or unique or unexpected

phoenixrosehere · 15/02/2025 11:35

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 11:30

Plenty of people have said SIL should have said "I can't make X time, what about Y?"

It was in response to them

And BTW, you don't have to be gushingly grateful to someone giving you constant shit from work. It just becomes a farce tbh after 4 years. They aren't special or unique or unexpected

Nothing also stopped MIL from saying she rather drop it off a different time if she wanted to turn it into a visit.

If someone says they’re unavailable and I wanted to see them, I would ask about a different day. Otherwise, I would just drop it off and text them that I have and go about my way.

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 11:41

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 11:30

Plenty of people have said SIL should have said "I can't make X time, what about Y?"

It was in response to them

And BTW, you don't have to be gushingly grateful to someone giving you constant shit from work. It just becomes a farce tbh after 4 years. They aren't special or unique or unexpected

Not gushingly grateful no, but polite.

If SIL didn't have the time to be polite she should have foregone the high end "shit" and explained that MIL couldn't come at all.

Hi MIL, I've got family coming on Tuesday and the house will be chaos/my sister has had a breakup/I'm designing a Twister tournament for the kids so may be unable to even get to the door so as much as I'd love to see you, I'm afraid we're going to have to skip this one.

Will work something out for next week when we can catch up properly.

DIL xx

pikkumyy77 · 15/02/2025 11:55

Such strange focus on SIL needing some extra exact “form of words” that would have made this absolutely non event palatable to MIL.

  1. MIL historically drops off her tat at her own convenience after her work or on her way home or on her way somewhere. If it is out of her way we have not heard that and she has been doing it for four years.

  2. we know this is her choice/her style because her pattern doesn’t vary whether DIL is available for a playdate or not.

  3. We do not know what SIL said or didn’t say at the door. We don’t know whether she JADED (justified, argued, defended, explained) or just said with mild annoyance “didn’t you get my text? I am not available.?”

  4. Either way it has never been incumbent upon MIL to deliver non perishable freebies at all ir on a specific day at the DIL’s request. The DIL just goes slong eith MIL’s wish as to drop iff snd accommodates her with a visit if she csn.

I think DIL has been more than gracious all these years.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 12:01

phoenixrosehere · 15/02/2025 11:35

Nothing also stopped MIL from saying she rather drop it off a different time if she wanted to turn it into a visit.

If someone says they’re unavailable and I wanted to see them, I would ask about a different day. Otherwise, I would just drop it off and text them that I have and go about my way.

Quite

But it's abundantly clear now that SIL can do no right.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 12:08

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 11:41

Not gushingly grateful no, but polite.

If SIL didn't have the time to be polite she should have foregone the high end "shit" and explained that MIL couldn't come at all.

Hi MIL, I've got family coming on Tuesday and the house will be chaos/my sister has had a breakup/I'm designing a Twister tournament for the kids so may be unable to even get to the door so as much as I'd love to see you, I'm afraid we're going to have to skip this one.

Will work something out for next week when we can catch up properly.

DIL xx

No, she doesn't have to justify herself.

She said "I'm not available. Leave in the porch" which is the established procedure

It's not a one off, it's almost weekly. The gifts become a hindrance almost at a point if you are expected to make an effort every time they are dropped off

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 12:21

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 12:08

No, she doesn't have to justify herself.

She said "I'm not available. Leave in the porch" which is the established procedure

It's not a one off, it's almost weekly. The gifts become a hindrance almost at a point if you are expected to make an effort every time they are dropped off

Make an effort? Do you mean say hello and thank you?

She should absolutely justify herself if she's not able to be polite.

I almost fear for future generations, but then I remember that MN is not reflective of any reality I've ever known.

Lostcat · 15/02/2025 12:27

I can’t believe people are this rude and obtuse in real life.

You don’t have people bringing free gifts to your doorstep while you are busy entertaining inside and can’t even be arsed to open the door and say hello and thanks!

WTAF 😂😂😂😂.

All SIL needed to say was - this isn’t a good day for dropping stuff around- can we rearrange?
Or if she doesn’t actually want the free stuff anymore- thank you so much for all the gifts , it’s so thoughtful- but we won’t be needing any more .

What you don’t do is treat your MIL like the delivery man-cross- Santa Claus.

how fucking hard is it honestly?

SIL was exceptionally rude in her treatment of MIL; using her to bring her free stuff while not even treating her with the basic courtesy of a casual acquaintance, let alone close family . 😭. of course MIL was offended and upset. Sounds like this SIL has the hide of a rhino.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 12:45

SIL didn't ASK MIL to bring them round
It wasn't SIL's choice. It wasn't her asking MIL to drop it round in the porch by going out of her way

MIL brings items round WEEKLY at her own convenience

SIL wasn't treating her like a delivery driver she'd demanded come at X time but leave in the porch as she couldn't bear to see her.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 12:46

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 12:21

Make an effort? Do you mean say hello and thank you?

She should absolutely justify herself if she's not able to be polite.

I almost fear for future generations, but then I remember that MN is not reflective of any reality I've ever known.

I think it's pretty rude to demand to know what someone is doing and why they can't see you tbh

Lostcat · 15/02/2025 13:03

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 12:45

SIL didn't ASK MIL to bring them round
It wasn't SIL's choice. It wasn't her asking MIL to drop it round in the porch by going out of her way

MIL brings items round WEEKLY at her own convenience

SIL wasn't treating her like a delivery driver she'd demanded come at X time but leave in the porch as she couldn't bear to see her.

It’s hilarious you think that MIL regularly delivers free stuff to SIL’s doorstep for her own selfish reasons , and that SIL is doing MIL a favour by allowing this.

The only rational reason MIL could possibly have for doing this is because she believes it’s helpful. IF it’s not, then SIL needs to say “thank you so much , but this isn’t needed”, like a normal , polite , considerate human.

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 13:04

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 12:46

I think it's pretty rude to demand to know what someone is doing and why they can't see you tbh

She hasn't demanded, she was treated rudely without an explanation.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 13:18

Lostcat · 15/02/2025 13:03

It’s hilarious you think that MIL regularly delivers free stuff to SIL’s doorstep for her own selfish reasons , and that SIL is doing MIL a favour by allowing this.

The only rational reason MIL could possibly have for doing this is because she believes it’s helpful. IF it’s not, then SIL needs to say “thank you so much , but this isn’t needed”, like a normal , polite , considerate human.

Edited

This is a woman who has had a hissy fit because SIL was with her own family

It wouldn't be so much of a leap to imagine "thank you for the freebies over the last 4 years. Can you save them up and drop them off once a month, I'll let you know when I'm free?" Would be met with "Oh you don't want to see me? I'm a nuisance? You don't want my freebies? I'll drop them off when I am free!"

MIL is doing it when it suits her to drop off, even if it's inconvenient for the SIL at the time. That's not altruistic

Lostcat · 15/02/2025 13:19

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 13:18

This is a woman who has had a hissy fit because SIL was with her own family

It wouldn't be so much of a leap to imagine "thank you for the freebies over the last 4 years. Can you save them up and drop them off once a month, I'll let you know when I'm free?" Would be met with "Oh you don't want to see me? I'm a nuisance? You don't want my freebies? I'll drop them off when I am free!"

MIL is doing it when it suits her to drop off, even if it's inconvenient for the SIL at the time. That's not altruistic

This is a completely nuts take. I can’t believe anyone is this unreasonable

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 13:19

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 13:04

She hasn't demanded, she was treated rudely without an explanation.

No

She couldn't follow a simple instruction and then knocked the door to try and intrude because she felt left out

There's no other reason to knock the door when you know she's busy

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 13:19

Lostcat · 15/02/2025 13:19

This is a completely nuts take. I can’t believe anyone is this unreasonable

It's not a nuts take

It quite easy to read that in what's said

Teddybear23 · 15/02/2025 13:23

Seems to me like your SIL is happy having MIL drop off freebies but doesn’t want her company much any more. If I was you I’d tell MIL to stop going, she’s being taken for a ride.

Grapewrath · 15/02/2025 13:26

Your mum was really rude to knock tbh when she could see that SIL was hosting guests

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