Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

I think it sounded as though the not really MIL was desperate to be invited because she spotted children in the hall, knocked repeatedly and the OP says the door was "finally" opened which does suggest a degree of frustrated banging on her mother's part when she wasn't expecting to be seeing her son's partner anyway. Most people would have dropped off the stuff and asked questions at a later date

I think @ThatRubyMoose if your dm drops around gets Sils undivided attention, it's only fair her other guests get the same courtesy.

Your DM moaning to you and you asking your dh questions about her family will backfire.

Don't ruin the good relationship over this.
But maybe tell your dm when people tell them not to knock.
Don't knock.

I think SIL was very rude. MIL is not the cleaner/paid helper. MIL sounds lovely and helpful.

OK, but I think in my era, the respectful thing to do would be either to let MiL know, we'll be in, but we are entertaining.
Or invite MIL in to drop off goodies and say quick hello.
But I guess times change.

Strange thread all round.

Nobody was being unreasonable.

Shit happens, such is life.

SIL was busy, told MIL not today.

MIL knocked on door and SIL reiterated that now is not a good time.

The end.

No need for offence, drama or debate, it just... is.

MIL should have a think about why this has upset her so much, it's not unreasonable for SIL to say "sorry not today". Nor is MIL unreasonable for knocking on the door.

I doubt your SIL said no just to be a twat, she will have had her reasons. If she WAS a twat, she wouldn't have spent years making time for MIL.

What I will say is, I WFH and run a business. If my MIL kept coming round whilst I was working I would politely tell her to FO and come back during non working hours. So in my eyes, SIL is quite saintly and patient to have had this arrangement for 4 years. I've had to tell my own mother to leave me in peace because I'm working.

OTOH, my family just communicate with each other like normal people without any drama so we tend to rub along very well 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I think a grown ass woman doesn't repeatedly knock on a door "just in case" when she can see people are there and that is probably why SIL is unavailable to chat (because being physically present does not mean available) unless she has some FOMO going on

Exactly.

Who looks in, sees strangers and social activity, and thinks "oh I must get their attention! These leftovers should be priority number one!"???

Before you go, it would be helpful if you would enlighten us as to why these deliveries need be so frequent and urgent.

I have a radar for BS which is not gender specific. Sorry to burst your bubble....

It's ok, i get it, i just got it after i posted!

@ThatRubyMoose
You're a legend and so is your MUM, Tell her to keep knock knock knocking on her Son's door. She has every right to visit despite the lodgers protestations.
Also, she should only provide freebies for people's who are deserving and respectful to partners parents. Your brother's home should always be open to family. Xoxoxo

I don't think anyone's home should have to be always open to anyone who doesn't live there. My family have their own homes, I have my life to live and sometimes I don't want to see relatives. You don't own someone just because you share genes. That sort of boundary ignoring is why people end up going no contact with relatives. Treat your relatives like your friends, like adults with their own lives and priorities, not bit players in your life.

And you're frankly the definition of not right

I think SIL is very rude and should have invited Mum in.

My only question: Do you get some of these freebies she has?

As to the other; SIL should have just asked your Mom to drop the stuff off another day. I am sure your Mom was just surprised to see others there and knocked without giving it thought. I think, all in all, no harm, no foul on both sides.

She WAS intrusive - she has been told SIL was busy - it is not MIL business what was making SIL busy
She heard noises in SIL house and thinks well, thats not busy IMO and then knocks until she gets an answer
SIL was polite, she answered her door after it was continuously knocked on (which is rude)
No one is owed entry to a house just cos others are inside

If i was the SIL, the door wouldnt have got answered at all, we have cameras, I door screen and if ive said im not available, well the door will not be answered. Zero f*cks given

But if it were any of those groups, SiL could have just said "thank you for dropping these round, I'm sorry I can't invite you in because I'm in the middle of book club" or even just "...because I have people here". That would be infinitely better than just saying "didn't you get my text to just leave it in the porch", which was just rude and hurtful.

I am wondering if a PP was correct and that this is a regional or generational thing. I'm from the north of England and it was normal to just call in on other family members. If they were busy you'd just say hello and wouldn't stay but they would still invite you in or explain why they couldn't. It's also really odd to just drop something off without knocking and saying hello.

So I think MiL was perfectly fine to knock when she saw SiL was in and could hear people chatting. If it were me I would have handed the thing over, said hello, but noted that SiL was busy so wouldn't stay. SiL would ideally have said thank you and apologised for not being able to invite MiL in. That way social niceties have been met on both sides and no hurt feelings.

Ah, you see in my head, MiL works in a bakery or similar and is bringing round unsold cakes or pastries from that day as a treat. I can't imagine it being anything other than perishable food if the regularity and consistently is annoying to go by.

OP has explained what the freebies are and it’s not baked goods

Ah I missed that. I'm on the android app atm so there is no way to show all OPs posts. I thought I had scrolled all the way through.

@pencilcaseandcabbage there you go

Well, if the goods aren't perishable, that's even more bizarre. Dropping round weekly to pass along a client's cast-offs is quite intrusive. DIL must be inwardly fed up, and her irritation finally showed when her family gathering was interrupted.

MIL was told that DIL was unavailable. She was rude to repeatedly knock.

Thank you!

Yet she normally welcomes her in and seems to willingly spend quite a bit of time with her and has done at least twice a month for the last 4 years.

But that doesn't really fit with the narrative you have created I suppose.