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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 18:38

phoenixrosehere · 14/02/2025 18:18

She didn’t invite her to. MIL has been bringing things for years and as I have repeatedly pointed out, OP wrote it has never been an issue when SIL has been unavailable. Why do posters like you keep ignoring that tidbit?

It’s not that hard to just do what was agreed to.

yes she DID invite her to bring the things round.. Why are you ignoring the OP?

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch.

So this means, I'm not available, but bring the stuff anyway and leave it in the porch... she literally told her to bring it!

It's only when MIL got there and realised she was in and not working that she had a moment of madness and thought DIL might be available after all to hand the stuff over.. it's not a crime to make a wrong assumption when you aren't in full possession of the facts.

ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 18:38

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2025 15:00

Its SIL's house too.

Why? How?
She didn't pay deposit. She stays at home in PJs pretending to WFH very hard apparently, chomps on freebies and she's merely a lodger. You don't own the guys house 50/50 just cos you move in. Test my theory in law

ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 18:44

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 14/02/2025 14:07

Also the number of people who think it's perfectly normal for a 50 year old woman to some how knock a door without thinking about it...

Are you the door knocking Police? 🚨
So you're saying the MIL can never KNOCK on her sons front door even if the lodger/squatter is pretending to be working or busy interacting very significantly with her family and so so busy immersed in intellectual reparte that she cannot so preciously answer the fxuking door in a house she doesn't even bloody own because she's SOOOOOO BUSY!!!!!!!! Grow up for pitties sake

BreezyScroller · 14/02/2025 18:45

ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 18:38

Why? How?
She didn't pay deposit. She stays at home in PJs pretending to WFH very hard apparently, chomps on freebies and she's merely a lodger. You don't own the guys house 50/50 just cos you move in. Test my theory in law

I love how you are making up your own story and creating a fantasy world😂

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/02/2025 18:46

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 18:38

yes she DID invite her to bring the things round.. Why are you ignoring the OP?

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch.

So this means, I'm not available, but bring the stuff anyway and leave it in the porch... she literally told her to bring it!

It's only when MIL got there and realised she was in and not working that she had a moment of madness and thought DIL might be available after all to hand the stuff over.. it's not a crime to make a wrong assumption when you aren't in full possession of the facts.

She could have been texting in response to MIL announcing a delivery. There is no evidence that DIL solicits the freebies.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/02/2025 18:47

ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 18:38

Why? How?
She didn't pay deposit. She stays at home in PJs pretending to WFH very hard apparently, chomps on freebies and she's merely a lodger. You don't own the guys house 50/50 just cos you move in. Test my theory in law

How do you know this to be the case?

ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 18:47

TheWonderhorse · 14/02/2025 17:26

She instructed MIL to come but to leave the stuff in the porch. So she had told her to come.

She said she wasn't available, but the fact that she did come to the door meant she was available, or certainly appeared to be. Surely she could have made an effort to be polite and said "Hi Mil, thank you, we'll do something next week." That's a ten second job and would have made MIL feel like part of the family instead of a post person.

Exactly this. Finally a well balanced non judgemental human adult with a maturity that defies most of the precious MN bitter anti MIL crew.

ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 18:49

KnickerFolder · 14/02/2025 14:48

I despair at all the people who think it’s okay to arrange for someone to drop something off when you are entertaining 🙄

The SIL should have asked her to come at a different time or skip the freebies this time rather than tell her to drop them in the porch. It’s so rude. It’s obvious that her MIL is going to wonder if her DIL doesn’t like her if she doesn’t even want to say hi when her family are there. Possibly her family might also think the MIL is rude not coming in to say hello or doesn’t want to meet them or their DD is embarrassed by them. Why would anyone do something knowing it could be interpreted in a way that might hurt someone’s feelings?

You're right, plus it's not even her HOUSE!

BreezyScroller · 14/02/2025 18:50

ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 18:49

You're right, plus it's not even her HOUSE!

is it yours?

phoenixrosehere · 14/02/2025 18:51

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 18:38

yes she DID invite her to bring the things round.. Why are you ignoring the OP?

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch.

So this means, I'm not available, but bring the stuff anyway and leave it in the porch... she literally told her to bring it!

It's only when MIL got there and realised she was in and not working that she had a moment of madness and thought DIL might be available after all to hand the stuff over.. it's not a crime to make a wrong assumption when you aren't in full possession of the facts.

It’s a normal thing for MIL to drop things off hence SIL telling her to do so.

A moment of madness? If plans had changed, surely SIL would have said so.

pusspuss9 · 14/02/2025 18:52

comfyshoes2022 · 13/02/2025 23:57

The whole thing is kind of awkward. Big overreaction by the mother. At the same time, a misstep by the SIL to tell her MIL to drop something off at the house when she was entertaining other family members - I feel like it’s not that difficult to anticipate why the MIL might notice people are there and feel a little left out.

she is left out. She is not a member of this family and they have a right to get together without inviting others to shared their private family conversations.

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/02/2025 18:55

PinkArt · 14/02/2025 17:52

@ThatRubyMoose I think the assumptions that your mum works with food in some way are down to how frequent her visits to drop things off are. It makes more sense if they're things with a short shelf life - baked goods, meat etc.
If it's something else altogether then I'm a bit baffled about why she has to visit so frequently (I'm someone who would definitely find hosting someone that often intrusive though) when SIL is working and not when her actual child is there. Surely you'd just pop whatever the mysterious things are in a cupboard until you made plans with your son.

Exactly. Why must the deliveries be so frequent?

If I were delivering something to a relative and it was apparent that they had guests, I'd just leave the thing on the doorstep without disturbing them. Same if the person were working from home.

I have a friend who is rather lonely and is constantly texting that he "has something for you." Perhaps a loaf of bread, perhaps a couple of magazines, or a tool I had mentioned shopping for. It's a ploy because then he sits/stands here talking for two hours, oblivious to cues that I am working, doing DIY or getting ready to go out. I wonder if MIL is the same and the "freebies" are just an excuse to socialize.

asrl78 · 14/02/2025 19:03

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 18:38

yes she DID invite her to bring the things round.. Why are you ignoring the OP?

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch.

So this means, I'm not available, but bring the stuff anyway and leave it in the porch... she literally told her to bring it!

It's only when MIL got there and realised she was in and not working that she had a moment of madness and thought DIL might be available after all to hand the stuff over.. it's not a crime to make a wrong assumption when you aren't in full possession of the facts.

If you are not in full posession of the facts, it is a bad idea to choose to violate an agreement. Assumption makes an ASS of U and ME, never assume anything when you don't have too.

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 19:03

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/02/2025 18:46

She could have been texting in response to MIL announcing a delivery. There is no evidence that DIL solicits the freebies.

So if she was replying to MIL saying she could do the drop off on Tuesday, she could just say, sorry MIL it's not convenient tomorrow, can you bring them another time instead.. she literally said yes, bring them but leave them in the porch.

There is evidence that she wants whatever it is MIL is bringing round otherwise she could just ask her not to bring it?? It's been going on for 4 years, if she could be as blatantly rude to completely ignore MIL knocking on the door because she has her preferred family round, I'm sure she could put on her big girl pants and tell MIL not to bother giving them high end free gifts anymore.

Gee, I wonder why she doesn't? 🤔

phoenixrosehere · 14/02/2025 19:06

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 19:03

So if she was replying to MIL saying she could do the drop off on Tuesday, she could just say, sorry MIL it's not convenient tomorrow, can you bring them another time instead.. she literally said yes, bring them but leave them in the porch.

There is evidence that she wants whatever it is MIL is bringing round otherwise she could just ask her not to bring it?? It's been going on for 4 years, if she could be as blatantly rude to completely ignore MIL knocking on the door because she has her preferred family round, I'm sure she could put on her big girl pants and tell MIL not to bother giving them high end free gifts anymore.

Gee, I wonder why she doesn't? 🤔

She didn’t ignore her though, did she? She still answered the door.

Considering OP has said her mother hasn’t mentioned it any further, perhaps she is over it.

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 19:07

asrl78 · 14/02/2025 19:03

If you are not in full posession of the facts, it is a bad idea to choose to violate an agreement. Assumption makes an ASS of U and ME, never assume anything when you don't have too.

"violate an agreement?"... hahahahaha!!

Let's get a grip shall we.

ThatRubyMoose · 14/02/2025 19:08

LilacLilias

Your post made me remember something… it wasn’t a freebie as such but a thank you someone sent to my mum in the form of a cheese selection…..

This one particular cheese was delicious. Your post triggered me so much on the way home I drove to Marks and sat in the car eating Wensleydale and Apricots.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 14/02/2025 19:08

She stays at home in PJs pretending to WFH very hard

You are creating your own fantasy here!

Maybe MIL should turn up when her son is available and then SIL can get more work done.

I think there's a fantasy world where SIL bloody hates the freebies. They are nut-coated crispy Creme donuts and SIL has a nut allergy...

Thisisnotmyid · 14/02/2025 19:13

OP why is your mum so concerned with calling your brother and not just wait and speak to SIL next time she’s round to see if she mentions it?

Maybe there’s something else going on entirely and you and your mother are making a huge deal out of this. She said she wasn’t available, your mother knew that but decided to try and enter anyway, she wasn’t asking in and is now upset? Leave it at that and wait and see what happens on her next visit.

ThatRubyMoose · 14/02/2025 19:15

ConstanceM · Today 18:38

pinkyredrose · Today 15:00
Its SIL's house too.
Show quote history
Why? How?
She didn't pay deposit. She stays at home in PJs pretending to WFH very hard apparently, chomps on freebies and she's merely a lodger. You don't own the guys house 50/50 just cos you move in. Test my theory in law

I have no idea what the above is.. But I think I will bow out now leaving those who accept
I am who I am and who my mum is and those who think my mum works at Gregg’s and is a lonely , narcissist who spies on her DiL, ‘depositing’ junk food!

OP posts:
tommyhoundmum · 14/02/2025 19:41

ThatRubyMoose · 14/02/2025 19:08

LilacLilias

Your post made me remember something… it wasn’t a freebie as such but a thank you someone sent to my mum in the form of a cheese selection…..

This one particular cheese was delicious. Your post triggered me so much on the way home I drove to Marks and sat in the car eating Wensleydale and Apricots.

I think the Wensleydale with rhubarb or cranberries are tastier.

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 19:45

ThatRubyMoose · 14/02/2025 19:08

LilacLilias

Your post made me remember something… it wasn’t a freebie as such but a thank you someone sent to my mum in the form of a cheese selection…..

This one particular cheese was delicious. Your post triggered me so much on the way home I drove to Marks and sat in the car eating Wensleydale and Apricots.

I do not know how this happened but I am happy I have triggered someone to buy cheese 🤣

Cheese is a good example of a perishable item, also. Difficult to give as a gift when you always have to tell the recipient to put their present in the fridge and not under the tree!

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2025 19:46

ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 18:38

Why? How?
She didn't pay deposit. She stays at home in PJs pretending to WFH very hard apparently, chomps on freebies and she's merely a lodger. You don't own the guys house 50/50 just cos you move in. Test my theory in law

Pretending to work? Chomps on freebies?

How very judgmental. Do you not like women?

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 19:47

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2025 19:46

Pretending to work? Chomps on freebies?

How very judgmental. Do you not like women?

I believe @ConstanceM is avvin a larf

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2025 20:14

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 19:47

I believe @ConstanceM is avvin a larf

Ah! That's what I get for checking in halfway thru the thread!