Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

This. I bet she would gladly forego whatever-it-is in order for some peace and privacy.

The idea of peering in the windows and beating on the door when someone is entertaining! So utterly entitled.

She instructed MIL to come but to leave the stuff in the porch. So she had told her to come.

She said she wasn't available, but the fact that she did come to the door meant she was available, or certainly appeared to be. Surely she could have made an effort to be polite and said "Hi Mil, thank you, we'll do something next week." That's a ten second job and would have made MIL feel like part of the family instead of a post person.

Goodness me I can’t believe the direction the thread has taken; I just wanted to know if we were a bit sensitive.

Why do people not believe who I am? I am not my mum or my SiL.

My SiL gets on with my mum; SiL initiated the relationship. She also invites my mum on outings , I imagine because they get on and have the same attitude to things not because sister enjoys what I called the ‘freebies’. Brother is sometimes present. I have absolutely no idea if he has a relationship with her mother.

I reiterate on the occasions SiL isn’t available stuff is left in the porch. No issue.

on this occasion it seemed different and she knocked initially and then again as she thought she hadn’t been heard. She doesn’t ‘check up’ on my SiL, she doesn’t intrude unless you think dropping in (with notice) 2/3 times a month for a coffee intrusive. Almost always SiL will extend visit or even ask her to accompany her somewhere.

We accept that Mum should not have knocked on door but the intention was not to intrude or demand introductions.

My husband has been on holiday with her brother ( and mine) I asked him last night if he Had anything to add about her family and there doesn’t seem anything that is ‘embarrassing’ about them and went that shallow.

I have no idea whatsoever why people think my mother is a butcher, works in Greggs or uses my SiL as a ‘depository for junk food’ where on earth would people get these ideas from?

Why does anyone need an excuse or a justification for not telling someone when they have visitors, or not inviting someone into their home?! She gave all the explanation that was needed which was that she was unavailable, because she was unavailable.
She didn't invite MIL to bring anything to her house. MIL has been bringing items to the house since before SIL lived there, SIL just interrupts her working day to facilitate that most weeks. This week that wasn't an option.

Your mother knocked on the door as she has fear of missing out ! and is nosy.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon No she didn’t. She can’t articulate why. She has never demonstrated those negative traits.

I just made up the butcher thing as I was thinking of something that would be perishable and need to be delivered on a particular day 😆 I think what the thing DM brings round is makes a difference here as some things could be brought on a different day, some could not

@ThatRubyMoose I think the assumptions that your mum works with food in some way are down to how frequent her visits to drop things off are. It makes more sense if they're things with a short shelf life - baked goods, meat etc.
If it's something else altogether then I'm a bit baffled about why she has to visit so frequently (I'm someone who would definitely find hosting someone that often intrusive though) when SIL is working and not when her actual child is there. Surely you'd just pop whatever the mysterious things are in a cupboard until you made plans with your son.

Has she told you why she felt the need to knock and ignore the I’ll be busy please leave in the porch.

Because that’s where the whole issue starts. Her need to start knocking which honestly does seem to be from a place of well she’s clearly not to busy for them so why for me. FOMO type thing.

The ‘freebies’ vary depending on who my mother’s clients are. Always ‘high end’ obviously not always to individual taste. Nothing particularly perishable, although sometimes edible.

Some freebies involve meals out and on a couple of occasions stays at hotels.

The day they are distributed is because of my mother’s ‘schedule’ and sometimes my brother is in when Mum goes to his house. My mother does understand WFH and she does do this herself sometimes.

I mean, you’d think OP’s DM had thrown a firebomb through the letterbox from some of these reactions. How dare she turn up bearing goodies, as she usually amicably comfortably does, and have the absolute gall to shock horror knock on the door.

I probably would have knocked on the door too, though I wouldn’t have taken offence at not being invited in.

I wouldn’t have minded your DM knocking on the door either though, but I probably would have said something along the lines of “ooh thanks for the freebies, long story but sorry I can’t invite you in today, can we catch up tomorrow / later / will message you later”.

I don’t think your DM was wrong to knock, I don’t think your SIL was wrong to turn her away. I do think SIL could have phrased it better. And I think DM is probably overthinking it a bit.

Desperate to know what these freebies are though 😂

I'd have asked your mother to come on a different day to avoid the situation that arose.

UndermyShoeJoe No she can’t articulate why but I can guarantee it wasn’t FOMO.

People are putting a grotesque construction on her actions. She meant nothing horrible.

Better communication could have avoided this. Rather than saying she was unavailable (which given their normal visits ypur mum likely assumed meant she was out, and so on seeing she was in she knocked). SIL should have just said no to that date, sounds like she’s too eager for the work freebies tbh. Or said I’ve got people round so can’t do x date how about y instead. Asking someone (esp someone you normally socialise with) to drop off something in the porch while you are in the house is just plain odd. Absolutely don’t have to merge different social groups but then plan better. The freebies from work were not that urgent.

So why did she get so upset and angry and why did she think she would have been justified to phone her son about it?

I think SIL has touched a nerve by not inviting MIL in. I also think based on the fact that they normally get on well, I'd encourage DM to try not to read into it.

SIL is normally nice and welcoming, so it's probably just that she was in the middle of something and wasn't expecting MIL.

I think that if MIL wanted to see DIL she probably should have come at a time when she knew she was available, as it sounds like she frequently is.

I don't think knocking is a big thing. But I do think she is overreacting, potentially reading more into it than what it is.

I mean if she can’t articulate why it’s got her so worked up then it probably is fomo most people don’t like to admit that though.

If her reason was sil was actually rude to her verbally that would be a reason. If sil hadn’t of let her know to start with and then turned her away that would be a reason.

But she stood knocking and knocking till sil was interrupted once she realised she had guests rather than just leaving it in the porch like she had before.

It’s because she wanted an invite in, to be nosey and be involved that’s why she’s mad but let’s face it if she said that you’d all tell her she was bonkers.

I don’t know why isn’t an excuse we accept off children let alone adults, when asked why they have done something.

It doesn’t matter if she meant nothing horrible, the SIL clearly also meant nothing horrible. What was horrible was that after she left she felt so snubbed and upset by it. THAT is the intrusion. The lack of respect that for whatever reason SIL placed a boundary and wished for privacy. Doesn’t matter what or why or anything else. It should have been enough that SIL said she was busy and didn’t invite her in. Running off to tattle to her son would have been ridiculous

Completelyjo I don’t think Mum was angry I think she was upset. As for calling my brother, I think she wanted to know why SiL w as upset and if she’d done something. This was a bad idea and she didn’t do it.

My mum doesn’t demand SiL stop and entertain her. SiL herself says she needs to eat or have a break. They sometimes even watch a show that the rest of the family hate.

100% this . What is wrong with people honestly!!! Your SIL is unbelievably rude.

what absolute bollocks. People are allowed to be upset .

UndermyShoeJoe She can’t articulate why she knocked the door not why she’s so put out . Or was put out; she hasn’t even mentioned it today.

She didn’t invite her to. MIL has been bringing things for years and as I have repeatedly pointed out, OP wrote it has never been an issue when SIL has been unavailable. Why do posters like you keep ignoring that tidbit?

It’s not that hard to just do what was agreed to.

She knocked because she wanted inviting in, she just doesn’t want to admit it.

I can totally see why your mum knocked. Probably saw there were people in there and thought something like sil plans must have changed. Sounds like they have a good relationship so I’m not surprised about your mums thinking and I’d think it was a bit odd / unfriendly but that’s not for her to worry about now, it’s not something you, me or your mum would do but there might be more to it so just try to forget about it.