Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

No. It was prearranged that MIL would NOT call because DIL was unavailable. The reason she is unavailable is nothing to do with MIL. Banging on the door when you have already been told that is is not convenient is rude. MIL delivers whatever it is she delivers every week where more often than not, she is received by DIL. The actual stuff she delivers is nothing to do with DIL as it was done long before DIL showed up do it is for her son.

WHY would MIL need to say hello in person when DIL has already told her she is not available? MIL wanted in because other people were there and her nose got the better of her and now it's out of joint.

If SIL plans had changed she would have text her. She sure did get the hump about not being invited in if she didn't want to be part of the party!

Maybe she's not happy.

Suspect it's a food item, which is why MIL feels delivery is so urgent. She probably works in a cafe or shop and brings leftover pizza or cakes or whatever. Maybe SIL is tired of being the disposal site for junk food.

It's just terribly rude to be beating at the door when it's apparent that someone is entertaining guests.

Or twice, which is what actually happened, most people would knock again if they thought the first knock hadn’t been heard.

people saying MIL was “repeatedly” or “insistently” knocking really are blowing that part of the story out of proportion.

she knocked twice, assumably because she thought the first one had gone unnoticed, after two knocks and no response she would have probably assumed she was being ignored and left but dil answered on the second knock.

Agree, @somedayforoneday

For someone who didn't expect an invite, she certainly has taken umbrage over not getting an invite. 🙄

Would love to buy SIL a drink and get her side of the story.

so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it

Sounds like she was there quite a while knocking considering OP describes SIL in FINALLY opening it.

She should not have knocked at all, let alone enough times to warrant someone having to finally answer the door.

Sounds to me like this isn't the first time the SIL has said she's unavailable but her MIL has arrived and knocked the door anyway, to get that reaction.

It sounds like SIL is a nice person who would be sad that she’d upset MIL. After so many years, I think that you’d know if she was being mean or just wanted to socialise with her family without MIL there. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like MIL- she had her reasons to keep yeh two separate yesterday.

I think the chances are that the SIL is fed up of the visits and probably really isn't bothered about the free things. Both her and your brother probably just accept them to not offend your mum.

I'd be fed up of having my working day interrupted multiple times every month just so my MIL didn't get offended. SIL will have to make those hours up in the evening or work a few slightly longer days to make up for every MIL visit.

SIL knew she was busy so asked her to leave them on the porch. You mum ignored that and
knocked anyway. Your mum is in the wrong and shouldn’t have expected an invite into the house.

Exactly. Some people are really downplaying the MILs rather rude dismissal of the SIL stating she was unavailable at that time. I wonder why? It can’t be about manners or politeness because only one person was rude in this instance and it isn’t the SIL.

I'm confused as to why SIL wouldn't want your mother to meet her family. It was not 'rude' for mum to have knocked the door, perhaps intrusive, given SIL had said that she wasn't available.

That's SIL business, who knows what is going on in her family and she is perfectly entitled to host them alone without her MIL banging on the door wanting to come in.

I was quite confused earlier by people thinking OP is the SIL, I think it’s far more likely OP is the MIL

Because she led MIL to believe she was working.. saying she was ‘unavailable’ is a weird and vague thing to say to a family member, if she actually had her family round, why not just say that? There would have been absolutely no confusion whatsoever!

‘unavailable’ has for 4 years meant working or out, when it became obvious it was neither of those things, imo MIL can be forgiven for thinking maybe her plans had changed and it would be acceptable to see her face to face at the door.

all she did wrong was make an incorrect assumption, based on a total lack of information.

MIL should have probably put two and two together and realised what the situation was, but IMO can be forgiven for thinking it would be okay to knock, SIL should have been more specific if she didn’t want MIL to knock on the door, not just let her think she was working, and assume she would drop off the freebies then go away.

the being upset about not being invited in is a MIL issue unfortunately, I can understand her disappointment, but after not meeting SIL family for 4 years there was no precedent that SIL ever wants that to happen.. so unreasonable to expect it to happen at this stage, I do wonder why though, it’s not something I’ve ever come across but we’re a ‘come one come all’ type family.

I don’t know why you’re acting like your mum isn’t a bit toxic, the fact you said you had to stop her from ringing her son about it speaks volumes to her character. It had nothing to do with her son so she was basically going to call to cause problems

It feels more plausible that way around doesn't it

Maybe she was planning to nap, or masterbate? I don’t see the need for all this parsing of words like unavailable or codebreaking some imagined code of conduct to which we all must adhere.

The DIL has a right to decide what she is doing with her time—whether work or play—and whether she wants to be interrupted or not. A polite text to MIL should have sufficed. Since it did not deter the MIL from knocking instead of dropping her shit and going on about her day the DIL simply reinformed her bf’s mother that now was not a convenient time for a visit.

Because she led MIL to believe she was working.. saying she was ‘unavailable’ is a weird and vague thing to say to a family member

UNAVAILABLE

adjective

1.not able to be used or obtained; not at someone's disposal.
"material which is unavailable to the researcher"
2.(of a person) not free to do something; otherwise occupied.
"the men were unavailable for work"

What exactly is vague to you sandyhappypeople? 😂

Because if she said she had family round it would lead MIL to say “oh, why don’t join you!” And SIL was trying to avoid this and to avoid outright telling MIL she wasn’t welcome on this occasion. Both by declaring herself unavailable and by not answering the door initially. SIL had no obligation to state why she was unavailable, only that she was. What she was doing is entirely her business and she clearly was trying to avoid further questioning.

Same for @Justanotherperson2025

she could have been clearer about what she was doing instead of making MIL believe that she was working,

She didn't MAKE her MIL believe anything

She gave her all the information she needed - that SIL was unavailable to chat that day. The reason is none of MIL's business

Maybe they're all MILs. 😉😂

I think on reflection nobody is being unreasonable here. MIL isn’t being unreasonable to knock if she thought SIL was actually in, SIL isn’t being unreasonable to not invite her in if she has already indicated to MIL that she’s busy.

It sounds like a communication and expectation difference. SIL could perhaps have said something (sorry, not a good time or I’d invite you in to meet people) and MIL could perhaps have shrugged it off rather than immediately feeling excluded and entitled to be invited in.

I think everyone needs to accept they are different people, this was a one off and no damage done. Move past it. Not worth ruining relationships over.

I would have taken the keys back once partner moved in personally.