Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

Why do you think that? It's absolutely clear that OP is the daughter of the MIL and sister to her mother's son who is SIL's DP.

MIL probably didn't have her dictionary with her.

It's vague because, no matter what the dictionary says, 'unavailable' to MIL has always meant 'working', 4 years of meeting up three times and month, unavailable has only ever meant 'working' in which case, she doesn't want to be disturbed, or 'out'... she isn't there to be disturbed, she probably thought if DIL was busy for a specific reason and it was important she not be disturbed she would tell her that, rather then let her believe she was working when she wasn't.

So she was actually available (as in not working or out), she just wasn't available for MIL, which unfortunately wasn't immediately apparent to MIL, no doubt if the house was quiet she would have dropped the stuff and left as usual.

Ultimately I don't think she did anything wrong by knocking on the off chance something had changed, she isn't a stranger as they meet up pretty much every week, but she shouldn't be upset that she wasn't invited in as there was no reason to think she would.

SIL could have just said, I'm having my family round tomorrow, would you mind dropping the stuff in the porch for me instead? or answered the door at the first knock and said "thank you MIL, I'll catch up with you next week if that's okay, my family are here at the minute"

As usual in a lot of posts on here, lack of communication is a contributing factor to what is essentially a misunderstanding, which could easily have been avoided if DIL had been more specific about what the situation was, or if MIL had put two and two together and realised what had happened.

Yes. I know how it was written. Earlier in the post people accused OP of actually being the SIL posting “as” the MIL’s daughter. I’m saying it’s much more likely to be the MIL, not wanting to post as the MIL and be questioned directly.

There's always the chance that SIL was supposed to be busy with work etc

But something happened in her family and caused everyone to come round. Maybe a sibling who had a row with their partner which got nasty and they had to flee with the children. Or a death. Or a diagnosis someone wanted to share and felt they couldn't wait. Or a serious accident.

She was flustered when MIL turned up because she hadn't expected her to knock and was trying to process the news.

MIL trying to come in would be beyond rude and unreasonable in this case...

I wondered to start with as despite the way it was written the SIL sounded very reasonable to me and the MIL quite needy and boundary pushing.

It's vague because, no matter what the dictionary says, 'unavailable' to MIL has always meant 'working'

Well, unavailable has meant out. And it's not vague. "I'm unavailable for a chat" means just that

It doesn't matter what it has previously implied. MIL is not entitled to anything more than "I'm unavailable"

She didn't need to give details

Being available for one thing doesn't mean available for everything, especially when you've already said "I'm not available"

@sandyhappypeople Because she led MIL to believe she was working..

No she didn’t. Literally nothing in OPs information suggestions SIL led the MIL to believe she was working. Again, it’s still the MILs own fault for assuming the only valid reason for being too busy must be work!

I'm not a MIL but I can totally understand why MIL unintentionally went wrong in this situation.

I think all this post does if highlight the people with nice MILs, who can easily see why a misunderstanding has occurred, versus the people with horrible MILs who assume she is rude, pushy and arrogant and wants to get her way all the time.

But it could all have been avoided, if my MIL (who is the lovely kind) rang me up and asked if I was free tomorrow, I wouldn't vaguely say 'no I'm unavailable' and let her to assume I was working (because that is what I tell her whenever I'm working) then let her turn up to hear a house full of guests that I have no intention of introducing her to, and make her silently drop off a gift then go away again, I'd tell her what was happening so she knew but also knew not to knock because I was busy with them.

Indeed MIL assumed she was busy working.

Well you know what they say about assuming. You make an ass outta you. 😂

Unavailable could have meant her and her partner were planning a secret day off to have crazy wild sex across the house. That she wanted to sleep all day or binge watch desperate housewives.

Im unavailable today… Im not working im relaxing before the children are off for half term. I certainly don’t want my Mil round today 😅

so many edits for typos. Could throw this phone 📱

What is definitely rude here is the MIL and sister in law badgering and criticizing the DIL for not being fully available for the MIL to drop in. Its just weird to me that the MIL ever considered complaining to her son about the fact that DIL had guests and couldn’t cater to someone with too much free time in her hands. And that the SIL put up this whole thread also criticizing her brother’s gf for failing to bend the knee when MIL chose to drive over some freebies.

To be honest this is what I'm getting at, and this is what would flash through my mind if I was the MIL, I'd have assumed based on prior times that she was working so absolutely not to be disturbed in those circumstances, but when I realised she was in and not working I'd have (wrongly) assumed there'd been a change of plan and would have knocked on to drop the stuff instead.

I actually think that is an easy mistake for anyone to make without any other information to go on.

BUT.. MIL expecting an invite to come in was unreasonable, none of the brothers family meeting none of the SILs family for 4 years paints a picture that SIL isn't interested in blending the two at all, and turning up on the doorstep unannounced wouldn't change that.. but if I was the SIL in this case I would make that clear from the get go, that when I'm with my family I'm not going to spend time with the MIL and vice versa, so everyone knows the score and no feelings can be inadvertently hurt.

NO ONE is entitled to more information than "I'm unavailable"
I got offered a shift at work and said I couldn't as I'd made plans.
Those plans were to do bugger all for once and have a day to myself. Someone from work turning up might then think my plans had changed. It would be rude of them to then try and insist I work or to pull me up for not working

MIL making an assumption is her fault. SIL has no need to tell her more than she's not available so could she do as she has done MULTIPLE times before (not some kind of unexpected secret courier thing....)

Well you know what they say about assuming. You make an ass outta you.

nah, come on you've got to do it right!

ASSUME makes ASS out of U and ME

it's a valid life lesson to live by 😂

So you think "oh she's normally working but now she has people over. Better try and insert myself into this situation I have no idea about" is acceptable?

Because you contradict yourself a bit

She became unreasonable when she went to tattle to another family member and wanted to tell the son, presumably to berate the DIL.

If it was just a misunderstanding she would've taken the answer from the DIL and maybe just addressed directly with her next time "sorry, I hadn't realised you were busy, I assumed when I heard people inside your plans had changed so I thought I'd say hi". Rather than escalating it into a family drama

Also the number of people who think it's perfectly normal for a 50 year old woman to some how knock a door without thinking about it...

No, its exactly as I said, I'd think something had changed and the fact that she was not working meant I could see her quickly at the door to hand things over rather than leave it like a DPD driver.

I wouldn't assume I would be let in, or insert myself into the situation, in fact I'd like to think I'd realise the reason she had said she was unavailable is because she didn't want me to actually come in and meet her family, so would just hand things over and go, but I honestly don't see the problem with knocking on the door to do the hand over.

There's probably more to this story that OP isn't even aware of, there's a reason SIL has kept quiet what she is doing and not answered the door when MIL knocked, then answered the door just to shut her down, it does seem like MIL saw an opportunity to meet SILs family, maybe she is not easy to say no to and DIL was trying to avoid it altogether, or maybe MIL would have tried to push for an invite if she knew DIL was having family round, only DIL can really answer that one.

Out of interest do any of you people tell your family you are 'unavailable' and leave it at that (I'm not talking about work), when they ask if you want to meet up? Maybe I'm the odd one out, but unless it was someone I didn't like or wanted to fob off I'd just tell them what I was doing? Maybe I've answered my own question there!

Either way, I don't think knocking the door when it is someone you have been spending time with pretty much every week for 4 years and seemingly get on well with is rude, no.

Agree with this.

Dropping in is rude to begin with, dropping in and hearing activity from within the house and beating on the door until it is "finally" opened is beyond rude. Who tries to insert themselves into someone else's social event?

Was MIL checking up on her daughter-in-law? What is so valuable about these "freebies" that they must be delivered posthaste; why can't she stockpile until her son has time to fetch them? (Unless it's foodstuffs, in which case it's probably a burden. No one needs an endless stream of treats coming through the door and I doubt it's lean steak, chicken or veggies...).

but I honestly don't see the problem with knocking on the door to do the hand over.

Knocking on the door is interrupting whatever SIL is up to. She would have had to pause conversation, excuse herself and then come and open the door

It's not like knocking the door is a hassle free experience

I would always tell my family I am unavailable when I'm busy. I wouldn't give them a explanation as to what I am up to. I don't like (my mother in particular) taking it upon herself to decide whether what I am up to is actually important enough for me to ignore the summons of.

Mother: Can you do lunch today
Me: sorry I am already having lunch with friend
Mother: I can't believe you'd rather see them than me... cue week of sulking

My mother is still in her 50s, does not need entertaining and does not intrude.

But on this occasion she DID intrude. Your SIL had already let her know that she wasn't available. Nonetheless your mum (perhaps innocently) intruded. I don't understand why your mum is upset, or wanting to talk to your brother? What's she's going to say, "Your partner was extremely polite and gracious to me when I inadvertently intruded on her private time with her family in her own home. Isn't she fantastic!"?

I would agree with you if MIL wasn't actually taking something round for them, which they obviously want to accept, just rocking up for a visit at a time when you have been told someone is unavailable is rude, but nipping round to knock on the door, hand something over then leave again is different.

Imagine the horror of having to pause conversation, and open the door to receive something that someone is kindly dropping off for you.

MN is an odd place at times.

She was entertaining other visitors. Of course she didn't invite your mom in. Your mom was supposed to leave the stuff on the porch, not knock and try to barge SIL's get together. Mom was rude.

Your DM is very needy imho

All this dropping off of unnecessary freebies

If I were the SIL it would drive me bonkers all this intrusion

SIL is very gracious taking her on days out to places and inviting her in for coffee

No
It's the same amount of intrusion
You still have to pause conversation, take time out to come to the door, head back, fend off the "Oh who was that?" Comments before getting back to what was actually being discussed...

Leaving in the porch has been a well established possibility. It's not like SIL asked MIL to bring it round, MIL has been doing this for years