Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

Find the “free gift” posters hilarious. MIL is not dropping off gold and frankincense, its bits she gets given free from her work. I doubt the SIL or son cares that much, but allows the MIL this to make her feel helpful and included and it’s a way to stay close.

There is no way these “free from my work” items warrant unboundless gratitude.

You would also think MIL could wait and pop by once a month with them all, but it seems to be such a regular disturbance. So MIL is imposing regularly and SIL is doing everything she can to keep a good relationship there. Even while in her working day will pause to entertain and show face,

MIL is more than dramatic to be crying over this at all.

MIL has been dropping things off without acknowledgment before, OP literally stating this in the original post. This is the only time it has been an issue.

Exactly.

I'd be a good sum that if the "free gifts" stopped, SIL would only feel relief that she doesn't have to deal with a constant flow of tat any more.

Exactly.

She didn't angle for an invite. That's your projection.

And Sil was still rude. But perhaps you have lower standards.

She KNOCKED repeatedly until the door was opened and then ran home threatening to call her son because she was not invited in....if that is not angling well I don't know what is.

If she didn’t angle for an invite why did she repeatedly knock, wait to get asked in, then go home and cry to her daughter and threaten to phone her son complaining because she didn’t get (gasp) an invite?

Just in case you missed that part..

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

SIL opens door: 'Ah, Sheila! Thanks so much for dropping off these cream cakes like you always have done on the same day so they don't go off - you know how much Dave loves them! Sorry, like I said, I'm a bit busy now with family visiting but thanks again and see you soon for lunch!'
MIL: 'Ah, yes, of course, have a lovely day!' (walks away happy)

So what was she doing by knocking repeatedly on the door and then getting upset after and ranting to the OP about not being invited in then?
If you weren’t angling for an invite you wouldn’t be upset that someone was busy when they already told you they were busy.

It’s easy for OP to say that her mum isn’t intrusive, but at that moment she was and whether she is or not in general isn’t even the point.

Plus, none of us know if SIL’s family would have been comfortable meeting her MIL or her joining them to begin with.

All of this would have been a non-issue if MIL did as she has done before and simply left the items on the porch.

SIL: I’m busy that day, if you must drop these things off on that day please just leave them on the doorstep as I am unavailable to spend time with you. Thank you so much!
MIL, having peered through the window: knocks repeatedly and consistently until SIL has to stop what she’s doing and attend to the door
SIL, surprised and confused by MIL’s intrusion as she had specifically stated she was not available: Hello?
MIL: Well, I’m here now looks inside and waits
SIL: Sorry but like I say, I am very busy right now, but I can see you another time. Thank you again for the items.
MIL: leaves and cries

Yes. The SIL is being very accommodating She sets a perfectly reasonable boundary, and now that's an issue.

I'd be much less available.

Absolutely bang on!

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.
On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

Yet, an issue now because SIL had people over.

But they were all of them deceived, for another issue was forged

As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome

Then she would have known to drop off the freebie and leave rather than knock repeatedly etc.
SIL is allowed to socialise with her family and friends without her MIL. She told her that she was unavailable which means that MIL isn’t invited.

MIL sounds like one of those awful people who always needs to know the reason they are being asked to do something so they can judge themselves whether it is important enough they comply.
SIL: Please leave the stuff I am busy
M: But you're here, what's going on? You said you were busy...

You can't possibly say the mother is not intrusive and doesn't out stay her welcome. Knocking on the door repeatedly until you are acknowledged is the very definition of intrusive.

You can't possibly say the mother is not intrusive and doesn't out stay her welcome. Knocking on the door repeatedly until you are acknowledged is the very definition of intrusive.

Especially when she'd been told the DIL was unavailable. It's rude.

Nope, MIL was rude

Only read page 1 but your mother overstepped her place, was nosey and it bit her on the bum. She was told SIL was busy and not to disturb but your mother couldn't help herself. Sil did absolutely nothing wrong here its all on your mother who couldn't get her own way .

I don’t think it is even that.. SIL could have answered the door and said, “thank you for dropping off, I’m sorry I’ve got my family here today, can we catch up another time?”

bluntly saying ‘didn’t you get my text?’ Is a very dismissive response to someone dropping something off for you, MIL isn’t a delivery driver, she’s a family member.

DIL being ‘unavailable’ to MIL usually means she is working and unable to come to the door.. so it’s not surprising MIL assumed it would be okay to say hi to DIL in person, DIL was in fact available to come to the door and should have done that anyway to at least acknowledge MIL had dropped the items off and say a quick thank you.

My mum is not intrusive. She was waiting to see the SIL and hand over the stuff she brought. We also know she didn't really plan to knock. In her shoes I would have done the same, thinking maybe SIL has changed her plans so I can just give her the stuff in person. It doesn't mean she wanted to become part of the party.

And maybe, like any person brought up to be polite, she thought she should say hello to SILs family. Odd that SIL didn't want t do that.

It sounds like MIL assumed she after 4 years that she would be considered close enough to meet other members of SIL family, she is obviously very wrong in that assumption, but I don’t think it is unreasonable thing to assume after 4 yearly of almost weekly visits.

she has been firmly put in her place and is understandable a little upset, she obviously thought their relationship was more than it was.

In fairness there was nothing SIL did that indicated MIL would be welcome in when she called round, but she could have been clearer about what she was doing instead of making MIL believe that she was working, and she could have been more gracious at the door (while still turning her away), instead of making her feel bad for not following ‘instructions’.

DIL sounds like she tolerates MIL visits more than enjoys them to me.

bluntly saying ‘didn’t you get my text?’ is a very dismissive response to someone repeatedly knocking the door after being told she was unavailable at that time!