Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

My husband and I have been together for over a decade and our parents have only met once in person and a handful of times via Skype.

Definitely this. Surprised you can't see that.

I’m surprised by the support for SIL’s rudeness, when she’s happy to receive regular supplies of freebies. I wouldn’t be delivering them any more.

Considering MIL was delivering them for her son way before his girlfriend entered the picture, I doubt she is going to stop and if she stops due to this one instance in the four years they’ve been together, it says way more about her than SIL.

Why? There is no law or obligation that says you MUST open the door every time someone knocks on it
Just like there is no obligation or law to answer a phone every single time it rings

SIL is well within her rights to say she is busy - even if that is doing something at home

MIL is rude to knock when the agreement was to drop off
she is the one who overstepped and now wants to put on the water works? huh?

Home does not equal available

"she is the one who overstepped and now wants to put on the water works?"

I have NEVER seen "overstepped" or "waterworks" used about anyone but a MIL! 🤣

MIL used to deliver the freebie to her son before he was dating SIL. For all we know, the freebie is more appreciated/appropriate by her son than her DIL.

It's starting to sound like SIL sees accepting the freebies as almost doing the MIL a favour and she doesn't really want the stuff but is prepared to accept it and spend time with MIL as a good deed maybe. That's the only way I would see allowing someone to drop stuff off in your porch while you are inside but don't want to see them! Maybe MIL should find a different recipient for the freebies?

Gatecrash?? Would it have been so terrible for her to come in for a cup of tea and say hello to everyone?

Jeez, why are people so funny...? 😐

You mean like her son? The person she has been dropping them off for before SIL entered the picture.

SIL hosts MIL regularly and makes a good bit of effort to that relationship. How regularly does she host her own family? This might have been the first time she saw certain members, or they might have had a good reason to keep it just them.

People saying it’s rude not to let MIL pop in for a “quick hello” - how does SIL know it’ll be so quick? Once she’s in she might decide a cup of tea and to join in. Family might be discussing family matters.

MIL was told she was not available.
MIL made assumptions as to why and then got upset when her assumptions proved wrong.
She was okay to knock, wouldn’t say it was rude to say hello at the door but it was rude to make a fuss, get upset, and think any less of SIL for confirming what she had already said, this day is not for MIL and she is currently occupied by other things.

water works is nicer than she is being a sook and to grow up

Well there was a boundary and what did MIL do to it?

It’s not being funny. No one including OP knows what other reasons SIL’s family was there other than seeing SIL. It could have been something extremely personal or private reason.

Again, SIL said she was unavailable and that should be it.

The expectation that you should be able to go into someone’s house because you dropped something off even though you were told they wouldn’t be free is bonkers.

Because you don’t know the details of why the family were there. Would it have been so wrong for SIL to spend time with her own family without feeling she also has to host MIL?

People generally feel more themselves and can talk more openly with their own family, while feel they have to be “on” around the in-laws. Why does MIL’s desire trump SIL’s? SIL sees her MIL plenty, makes loads of effort to foster a good relationship. This was time carved out to focus on her own family and spend time some with them.

Obviously the SIL had her reasons and she made it clear she wasn’t free to spend time with the MIL.

Honestly it’s absolutely nuts some of you going on about the SILs rudeness but think you can muscle in on someone in their home when they have vocally already made it clear they were busy and just expect them to drop prearrange plans to host you!

It's only settled in your head 😂

I don't think you understand what "being available" actually means

Yes gatecrash. She was TOLD the night before SIL was not available, she was not told why because it's none of her business. MIL arranged to drop off the "freebies" that she has been doing long before SIL was on the scene so the freebies don't actually concern the SIL in the first place and leave in usual place.

Ohh BUT MIL sees activity. There are PEOPLE there. Instead of leaving the SIL alone to host her own family in peace she knocks repeatedly on the door until SIL is forced to answer to say here is the stuff I said I was going to drop and run because you are busy, expects to be invited in to join SIL family and gets upset when SIL holds her boundaries and does not ask her in, then goes home crying threatening to ring her son and tell! Give me a break.

SIL sees MIL every week, does things with her etc, has been described as a lovely person but now she is the devil incarnate because she was hosting her family and MIL wanted an invite. If I had invited my family to my house to visit and lets face it, nobody knows the dynamics of a family or what's going on and I had already told my mother in law I was not available on that morning and she told me she would drop over the freebies (that precede my time with her son) and leave in usual place and she decided to bang the door down wanting to be invited in she would get short shrift from me too.

Ok, so the MIL drops off stuff for the SIL's 'household' which maybe she doesn't want but her partner does - still pretty rude to expect her to drop and run without acknowledgement. It sounds like it's all a bit of a pain for the SIL so maybe a different arrangement needs to be made.

I still would love to know why it's a DIL problem, why is MIL barging on her and not her own son? What is she bringing? Tampax?

I wonder how MIL would feel if she had nice plans with SIL to do something but SIL brought her nieces and nephews along unannounced. Oh they knocked on as I was leaving

You know, families can funny. I wouldn’t exactly want my default “mum” figure (complicated but irrelevant) and my current MIL in the same room. They are wildly different women, with wildly different values and they would both be judging each other, although both very lovely in their own ways. I would feel very awkward and on edge to have them together for even a few minutes. Don’t even get me started on my strait laced middle class MIL with property in the med sitting down to chat with my motorcycle club running brother. At a busy party or a wedding would be fine, but not sitting in my living room with a cup of tea. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of either side at all but I also would like to spend time with them each independently for the foreseeable.

If I had outlined I was busy and could not spend time with MIL and and MIL stood at the door expecting an invite I would feel considerably put out. Good on her for holding the previously issued boundary. MIL can be a bit sad about it but that doesn’t mean SIL did anything wrong, she certainly wasn’t rude.

I think the MIL should come round and bring whatever these freebies are when her own son is in and stop arranging to come on days that this poor girl is working! She wouldn't be able to do this if the sister in law worked at the office.

What even are the freebies-does sil want them!?

I think the SIL sounds like a saint. I find it really frustrating WFH when (often) older people don't get that I am still working and stop by for a chat and a cup of tea. Invariably it takes 30-40 minutes out of my work day. It sounds like the SIL is accommodating this a lot, probably to try and create a good relationship with the MIL. On the one occasion that she has pushed back the MIL has gone running tearfully to another family member and wanted to tell the son?

I would be the son already knows as the DIL has told him. I actually think for the sake of good family relations the OP shouldn't be to sympathetic to her mother here- telling her she's right but to let it go; she should tell her mum she crossed a line and to apologise.

The key thing for me here is MIL knocked on the door a "couple" of times, she was asked to just leave the stuff, she then repeatedly knocked on the door until it was answered. She didn't just think SIL plans had changed so she'd knock to say hi; she knocked, it was ignored and she kept going until she got a reaction.

If I were the SIL this would be a wake-up call that however much effort you put in, and however much you try to accommodate, it isn't going to be appreciated or enough.

Or maybe the son should think his mother himself instead of it falling to his partner now?

Your use of courier is interesting. This isn't stuff the SIL is having delivered to the MIL house or things that she's asked for. Its free tat from work that the MIL is dropping round as pretext for a visit.

Free gift - red herring

Sil - allowed to have her own life/boundaries. Sounds like she puts up with a lot probably to keep her dp/in laws happy. Constant visits during working hours etc.

Mil - aged 50 odd! Who sil texted to say she was unavailable. Pushed the boundaries by repeatedly knocking on the door after having a good peep through windows. Then went running upset to her daughter and had to be calmed down from phoning her son.

This behaviour isn't a one of from the mil. I would bet my bottom dollar she's got form for pushing boundaries and everything has to be her way or all hell breaks loose.