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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

353 replies

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:42

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 13:40

@MrsSunshine2b it's not about OP wanting to kick him out of his own house though.

That's not what the thread is about at all.

BlondeFool · 12/02/2025 13:40

If you work from your bedroom, headphones in and Netflix! Pretend to him you are on work calls if he comes up.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 13:43

BlondeFool · 12/02/2025 13:40

If you work from your bedroom, headphones in and Netflix! Pretend to him you are on work calls if he comes up.

Sometimes I play a training video out loud so he thinks I’m busy and doesn’t come in. He came in a minute ago and talked so I had to pause my show. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I wasn’t supposed to have any distractions today so it’s a bit jarring.

OP posts:
LittleMG · 12/02/2025 13:44

I kind of understand, I’ve got a husband and 2 little boys and I feel a bit done in with interacting sometimes. But I think it’s a bit troubling you felt so bad you cried on your own in the shower. That’s really sad, I actually think you should schedule something you do by yourself every week so you know that time is protected. If it means that muv to you and it makes you that sad it must be addressed but you can’t really be funny about your DH not leaving his own house.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 13:44

biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 13:40

@MrsSunshine2b it's not about OP wanting to kick him out of his own house though.

That's not what the thread is about at all.

Thank you, I don’t know why some people are finding it so hard to grasp. I’m not trying to force anyone out, I just want him to go into the office when he says he will.

OP posts:
Bryonyberries · 12/02/2025 13:45

I get it. I work long hours four days a week and the children are home at weekends so I love my Wednesday off to just be home in an empty house for a few hours. However my adult children just lately have seemed to have time off on the same day which is a bit frustrating even though I wouldn’t ever tell them as they may well be doing it to see me more. I do need time alone to recharge. I work in an environment that means you are constantly looking after others and being aware of their needs for 10hrs or so, then home to your family and their needs.

OrlandointheWilderness · 12/02/2025 13:47

@biscuitsandbooks I don't personally think ND or personal feelings gives you a reason to monopolise an entire household.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 13:47

LittleMG · 12/02/2025 13:44

I kind of understand, I’ve got a husband and 2 little boys and I feel a bit done in with interacting sometimes. But I think it’s a bit troubling you felt so bad you cried on your own in the shower. That’s really sad, I actually think you should schedule something you do by yourself every week so you know that time is protected. If it means that muv to you and it makes you that sad it must be addressed but you can’t really be funny about your DH not leaving his own house.

I cried because I was overwhelmed. I’ve had so many early starts with late finishes and I was exhausted. I was looking forward to having a really quiet day only to realise I wasn’t getting that at the last second. I rarely cry but I just had to let it out because I was frustrated. I just really didn’t want to speak to anyone today.

OP posts:
callmebuffy · 12/02/2025 13:48

I feel exactly the same even in days I'm WFH myself because just DH's presence is distracting and he creates mess.

When he goes to the office it's so much nicer.

I live in a house I need to leave to get time alone most of the time due to kids and DH. Sometimes we just want quiet.

Zanzara · 12/02/2025 13:52

Fairyliz · 12/02/2025 10:16

I don’t want to add to your gloom op but wait until you retire; they never bloody leave the house.

Sorry!

😂

I send mine shopping.

FrenchandSaunders · 12/02/2025 14:09

I get it OP. I'm not ND as far as I'm aware but I do need downtime.

I wfh and DH is self employed and usually out of the house from 7am to 6pm but he is inbetween jobs at the moment and hanging about.

He's been invited on a holiday with some friends which i'm trying to encourage him to do but he's undecided.

We're late 50s, so I don't know what retirement will be like. I love him dearly but we get on better if we are apart all day and have things to talk about in the evenings.

ABigBarofChocolate · 12/02/2025 14:34

I hear you! My husband works from home all the time. I'm currently not working. We get on great and have a wonderful relationship but sometimes I wish he would just leave the house! He was supposed to go into the office for a one off last month but couldn't be bothered and I was so annoyed! I too, wanted peace. So I completely feel your pain.

wfhwfh · 12/02/2025 14:36

I am autistic and I totally understand this, OP. It’s one of the big reasons I live alone.

What neurotypical people might not appreciate is that it’s really hard to cope with goal-posts moving. Your dh had told you he’d go into the office today so you’d managed your energy on the expectation you’d have alone-time to decompress. This time has been taken away from you and it’s hard to know how/when you are going to be able to get the time to self-regulate.

Id have an honest chat with your husband about this. Also, if you were not explicit with him about anticipating this time alone to self-regulate, I’d do that going forward as he maybe did not appreciate you were relying on this breather to cope with the demands of your new job.

biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 14:40

OrlandointheWilderness · 12/02/2025 13:47

@biscuitsandbooks I don't personally think ND or personal feelings gives you a reason to monopolise an entire household.

It's a good thing that's not what OP wants to do then, isn't it?

StupidBitchy · 12/02/2025 14:41

Pretend to go and have a long poo for some privacy.
At the end of the day it's his house too though so not much you can do.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 14:44

wfhwfh · 12/02/2025 14:36

I am autistic and I totally understand this, OP. It’s one of the big reasons I live alone.

What neurotypical people might not appreciate is that it’s really hard to cope with goal-posts moving. Your dh had told you he’d go into the office today so you’d managed your energy on the expectation you’d have alone-time to decompress. This time has been taken away from you and it’s hard to know how/when you are going to be able to get the time to self-regulate.

Id have an honest chat with your husband about this. Also, if you were not explicit with him about anticipating this time alone to self-regulate, I’d do that going forward as he maybe did not appreciate you were relying on this breather to cope with the demands of your new job.

I don’t think he knew how much I needed the time alone. I’m hoping he gets it now we’ve spoken about it. Although he’s on a 90 minute call until 4 at the moment with cameras on meaning I can’t prep dinner since they’re talking about confidential stuff, so now I’m a bit annoyed again. Can’t wait until he goes in tomorrow.

OP posts:
StupidBitchy · 12/02/2025 14:44

Ooh ooh! Headphones! Classic trick. You're busy listening to something!

JollyHolly30 · 12/02/2025 15:14

What's the problem with you being in the frame in the background while you're on your way to get a coffee?

Just as if someone worked on a busy office floor - other people will be seen at times on the camera, because other people exist...

BreezyScroller · 12/02/2025 15:17

sandyhappypeople · 12/02/2025 13:11

You seem to have really taken Umbridge at OP's posts, but there are a lot of people who seem to understand OPs point of view, I've got a genuine question though.. What is your work setup like? Do you work from home, do you share your house with someone and do they work from home? Basically do you get any alone time in your own house?

Show quote history

I find the cheek of someone expecting an adult to get out of the house mildly amusing, but I am also wondering why it's mainly WOMEN who seem to demand for their husband to get out of the way. How often do you hear men explaining that they told their wives to get out?

My set up? If you are really interested, I prefer to WFH but have to go to the office for clients and staff meeting, no strict schedule. Husband in a completely different area does a mix too but is a lot less on the phone than me. We have kids, time alone is a luxury 😂

If said husband was telling me he needed to feel the house empty and was expecting me to spend more time in the office, I would tell him to find himself a quiet office!

ThereTheirTheyreYourYoureToTooLEARNTHEM · 12/02/2025 15:21

Are you categorising all the extroverts as NT and assuming all the others (who may be NT introverts) are ND?

2JFDIYOLO · 12/02/2025 15:27

Shut the bedroom door.
Put your headphones on.
Turn the laptop so the screen can't be seen from the door.
Do not look up if the door opens.
Talk and make listening noises, intently looking at the screen and typing if he comes in.
Do not engage.

Maybe make a specific date - 'meet at 1pm for lunch? I'm in presentations all morning then 1-1s in the afternoon.'

And consider why the idea of your partner being in his own home doing exactly the same as you are makes you cry.

2JFDIYOLO · 12/02/2025 15:29

Also - go into your own kitchen etc on the dot of 5pm. Start doing what you would do if he was in the office.

If he doesn't like that, remind him that this is shared space, just as the bedroom you've vacated is.

Velmy · 12/02/2025 16:37

Had you told him previously that you were looking forward to an empty house on this day? Is he aware in general that you'd like a bit more time to yourself?

What would happen if he took a job that was WFH every day?

sandyhappypeople · 12/02/2025 17:58

BreezyScroller · 12/02/2025 15:17

I find the cheek of someone expecting an adult to get out of the house mildly amusing, but I am also wondering why it's mainly WOMEN who seem to demand for their husband to get out of the way. How often do you hear men explaining that they told their wives to get out?

My set up? If you are really interested, I prefer to WFH but have to go to the office for clients and staff meeting, no strict schedule. Husband in a completely different area does a mix too but is a lot less on the phone than me. We have kids, time alone is a luxury 😂

If said husband was telling me he needed to feel the house empty and was expecting me to spend more time in the office, I would tell him to find himself a quiet office!

Show quote history

If said husband was telling me he needed to feel the house empty and was expecting me to spend more time in the office, I would tell him to find himself a quiet office!

This isn't what OP said though?

if your husband was taking the kids out for the day and you were looking forward to a day in the house on your own to do what you wanted with no one needing you for anything, then they decided that morning not to bother and all stay in the house with you, wouldn't you feel a little disappointed too?

That's all it amounts to, she was only expecting the house to herself because he told her he was going in to the office, she wasn't forcing him out, or telling him he had to work elsewhere, he was planning to go, so she had planning a nice day in being able to do what she wants when she wants only to find out she now can't.

I think it's perfectly natural to be disappointed when you are looking forward to something and it doesn't happen, but I do wonder if OP if affected more, because her DP working from home means the front room and kitchen are off limits for large portions of the day.. so she's basically confined to the bedroom. To be honest that would drive me mad, and I think the DP should be doing something about that, I'm sure there must be a solution to fix that. If he is choosing to WFH instead of going in to the office it shouldn't mean massively inconveniencing the other people that live with you.

BunnyLake · 12/02/2025 18:03

In a way OP it’s a shame you mentioned the wfh angle and just gave a generic situation of him supposed to be out the house for a few hours. Some posters just can’t seem to grasp that’s it’s about the anticipated alone time at home that you were looking forward to and are disappointed you're not getting.