To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

[CitadelofRicks]

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

That’s a fair point but then it wouldn’t paint an accurate picture of the situation and then I’d probably get accused of drop feeding if I did mention it later. Can’t win either way with some people

Because it feels intrusive. There are people seeing you in your private space.

Because some jobs include confidential conversations.

It's not the same. In a small house, you might have to walk close enough for the blur to turn off.

It just feels intrusive.

@CitadelofRicks you know re him not blurring background etc….

Dh has been wfh fully since the pandemic. Always in the living room and refusing to use any other room despite having a room that was my office and two empty bedrooms (used to be the dcs who are now at Uni).
Im at home full time (chronically ill) so I spent years being careful about the amount noise I was making, no music, no one ever coming etc…
Then one day I had to answer the phone and I burst out laughing, which his colleagues heard. Suddenly, it was all ‘oh I might move into the office. It will be much nicer for you etc….’
Now I can have music on and friends round. Finally.

im wondering if a version of natural consequences would help re the blurring etc….

Yes, I understand. Same when my husband decides to WFH spontaneously. It ruins my whole routine and he doesn’t exactly make it easy with loud Teams calls, asking what’s for lunch (!) and just faffing about. I feel for you OP xx

I live with my adult daughter and I totally understand this! Just a few hours on your own is fab.

It sounds to me that you are an introvert (energised by being alone) and your partner an extrovert (energised by being with others) I am an introvert and my husband an extrovert, but we understand each other and I get the alone time I need. I would sit down and explain to your husband how important alone time is to you, and if he cares, he will help you to get the peace you need.

I am not ND but I get what you mean about needing to be alone on occasion

I WFH all week, and husband does 1 day a week. He was WFH every day until recently and I really struggled with that. Drove me totally MAD!!

He interrupts regularly, is loud when having meetings or calls and just generally is irritating to work alongside lol

Have I missed something here? You’re meant to be working from home but plan on doing 2 hours then having time to yourself? This is why people are sceptical about wfh.

And if you had read the OP’s posts (all of them) you’d know why and why it’s ok and actually validated by her company…..

I understand what you mean and I think the best thing is to talk to your husband and explain. When I need to be alone, I just say I’m off upstairs for a bit and my DH knows this means I need some time out.

I totally get this. I’m autistic and really need time on my own especially when I’m working. The meetings and constant teams messages and emails are enough to cope with without someone “coming for chats”. My 15yo DD is also autistic and is the same so even in school holidays we tick along nicely, meeting occasionally in the kitchen, but when my 21yo DD is home from Uni it’s like a bomb goes off in the house! But even she has learned to leave me alone Monday to Friday 9-5 so surely your husband can too.

That anticipation of your partner going in and then not being bothered is what my DH does many times. I tried several times explaining that I need time alone in the house (my DH gets this time himself. He had many endless days like this over a few years when I was working physically in the office full time and he was work from home).

Now we both have a hybrid model and yet his work is much more lax in it and he doesn’t hold it for himself as a standard either so he decides randomly if he will stay home.

If I realise I haven’t had a day off for myself, I plan this privately and tell him last minute while he’s pretty much out the door. I keep my update really casual like, I’m not feeling the best I am going to call in sick (but I already organised with work to take an annual leave day).

If I know he will be home and I have time off, I organise hair appointments and such so I’m out of the house a bit more for the day.

DC goes to childcare so there is little time to really decompress.

I completely get it Im exactly the same and my partner is the same as yours! I would love to just have some time to myself but he would be glued to me if he could. Also doesn’t mind change of plans etc where it totally throws me

if he cares about you hearing his work calls he could Go. To. The Office!! I’d have just walked past and started banging things around in the kitchen op, instead of tiptoeing around the great and wonderful Oz. You need to be a bit more assertive here about we LIVE HERE, and he not only has an office but is supposed to be there. It’s not his wfh day.

Why don’t you go to your office 2 days a week and he goes to his for 3 days?

I'm with you @CitadelofRicks

Being alone at home with no calls is an indescribable peace and space. It's not about what gets done (go to library/coffee shop) it's just having the freedom to decide what to do and when without explaining it to anyone else. E.g having lunch at 11am because I'm tempted or calling my mum/friend for a chat. Just the quiet at home, it's blissful. 100% with you OP.

Because she doesn't have an office, and if you'd bothered to read the OP's posts you'd know that

Alright calm down 😂 it was a quick suggestion over my quick daily scan of aibu 🤣

I have autism and need a person free day to decompress.
I work set days / shifts as I’m not in a 9-5 job and now due to kids nursery the day I have to myself is the same day of the week so it’s clear but prior to this I had to get pretty strict with my DH in saying Im off on weds or fri - which day will be best in the coming week will be for you to definitely be in the office for me to decompress? I NEED that day.
I still cry in the shower if one of the kids is off unwell and I loose that day (especially if it’s 2 weeks in a row).
Hopefully going forward you’ll have been have been able to get across that these days are a need and not a want and how you’ll both benefit from you getting them.
I also find I function better if I know when my next one is - I don’t know if you’ve found that or not?
Hoping you get the time you need really soon! x

Why don't YOU go 'in to your office' every now & then? Especially on days when your calendar is empty (he doesn't need to know every last bit of your calendar does he)...

I understand. My DH goes in twice a week and my wfh day matches his at the moment but that may change, between that and my daughters who both stayed home for uni there is always someone in the house with me. I am never alone.
I reached breaking point last year with it but have settled into it again now. I can't change it so I shut the door to the room I'm in sometimes just for quiet.
I go in four days a week and my job is around people all day, come home and the house is full. There isn't a spare moment for me ever

Read the OP’s posts. Just those.
Youll learn she doesn’t have an office…..

That would send me absolutely round the twist. Luckily my OH is also an introvert and THANK GOD I have a garden office. But on the days he’s meant to be at work but doesn’t go in, it can be really annoying if I’m in the house. I’m sure he feels the same. No idea how you deal with someone who likes talking constantly not giving you any space. Maybe talk to him about having agreed “go away and talk to other people” days.

I mostly work from the office in my current role, but have membership of a lovely hot desk office when I want to use it.
Do you have an all bar one near you - they have a deal where you can hot desk all day if you buy a meal. free tea and coffee.