To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

[CitadelofRicks]

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

Are you adhd/autistic OP?
I can’t stand sudden change. I also can’t stand when XDH was off work ‘sick’ and I didn’t have my time to myself in silence. I also cry when school holidays are near 😂😭

I didn’t have time to read all your updates but just wanted to post in solidarity as I feel exactly the same as you. Sometimes you really just need that day with nobody else around, even just the presence of DH in another part of the house would count as not being alone.

My DH was meant to be away yesterday and I’m had a rare day with no child around and not much on my workload. I was so excited. He left then 30 minutes later he calls to say he’s on his way home as meeting cancelled. I too had a little cry

i love him very much but I really value my own space sometimes and feel like it’s almost impossible to get just one day in my own house to myself. (He also wfh full time whilst I hybrid so gets plenty of days home to himself).

a lot of people here definitely don’t get that, or just being purposely obtuse but I am with you all the way.

Again I really don’t care. I’m not the spokesperson for WFH. I do my work and when it’s done, it’s done. We have a training schedule that is set out weekly. I’ve had no complaints so far so what is the issue?

I’ve said a few times, I don’t have an office, my organisation is a remote first one.

Why do people leap in to defend OPs husband/criticise her working pattern when the haven't read/understood the post? OP has a neurodivergent condition. That means she has special needs (I know we don't usually use the term for adults). By law, workplaces are obliged to make reasonable accommodation for her needs. However, her workplace is her home. It's not unreasonable for her to need alone time to work without distractions or to decompress. If she had an office to work from, her needs would be accommodated. It's reasonable for her to have these accommodations at home.

DH not working according to his calendar is a distraction. DH being unpredictable is a distraction. DH preventing her using the kitchen when she would like to is a problem. DH confining her upstairs when she doesn't need to be there is an even bigger problem. He is being unreasonable - of course he doesn't mean to be, it's not deliberate - his constant presence, especially when he is mandated to be in the office 3 days a week - is unreasonable.

What I don't understand though, is why she cannot pass by her DH while he is on a call/in a meeting? She needs to be able to access the kitchen when she needs to, not at his convenience. Is it possible that he's pretending to be in the office when he's WFH? What possible reason could he have for preventing colleagues catching a glimpse of his DW, while he is dealing with them? Enquiring minds would like to know!

My own DH set up his workspace in the dining room, years before WFH became a thing. He would use it maybe one day a week. It was a thoroughfare between the kitchen and the rest of the house. I (and the children), would pass by him from time to time. Sometimes he would engage us in conversation with colleagues, other times he would not. It was no big deal.

And as I stated. To the one before you nipping about not reading, it was a quick post, to try and help.

Unfortunately not, otherwise that would be a great suggestion

Yep ADHD and it’s definitely a struggle at times

Thank you to those who understood where I was coming from. It helps to know others feel the same, although it suck’s we don’t always get our alone time! Anyway he went in yesterday and my calls were cancelled which meant I got the day I wanted in the end! I have to say it was bliss. I got on with training in the morning and then had the afternoon to myself. Made myself a lovely lunch since I could actually get to the kitchen when I wanted. We had a really good chat about my need for downtime and we are on the same page. He’s home today and we’ve had a lovely start to Valentine’s Day, and I feel completely at peace because I was able to reset yesterday.

I completely understand.
I struggle with last minute plan changes and not getting time to myself. Also, time alone out of the home doesn’t calm me, I need to be home alone no matter what I’m doing.
It’s ok to be irritated, as long as you don’t take it out on your partner.
Could you buy him a weekend away? 😂

Totally get it and I am not ND. A house to yourself is just bliss.

Frankly he is putting himself at risk, anyone looking at public finances must know that huge job cuts are coming in the civil service and now is the time to be showing his face and his value. He should at least be doing 2 days but if the policy is 3 and access can be tracked it will be part of the selection criteria to cut heads. Two people broadly the same - which one "shows commitment" or some other bollocks.

Being trapped upstairs is not on. He needs to book out his diary so you can get breaks and a lunch break.

My own DH set up his workspace in the dining room, years before WFH became a thing. He would use it maybe one day a week. It was a thoroughfare between the kitchen and the rest of the house. I (and the children), would pass by him from time to time. Sometimes he would engage us in conversation with colleagues, other times he would not. It was no big deal.

This is how it was for us when I was working from home. DH is retired and there's no way I would tell him he couldn't go in his own living room, especially as he needed to go through it to get to the bathroom!

Have you thought about being together but living separately? Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to live together and it might suit you better.

Oh great! Glad you hashed it out x

I love my time alone and have a few hobbies, like playing sax or cello, which are objectively annoying, so reserved to times I am alone in the house.
And yes, sudden changes of plans can be annoying.
But then I recognize it as my own problem. I think I would come across as very entitled if I stomped my feet and demanded the house for myself.
I would also dislike it if I was myself treated like that.

So, I understand where you are coming from, but I think you are being unreasonable.
If you have that need, maybe talk to your partner honestly describing it as a need. Perhaps you can organise things to have some time for yourself at the weekend, so you are not forcing them to go to the office when they do not need to.
I would not describe it as setting boundaries, because asking for that is encroaching on your partner boundaries, not reclaiming yours. When deciding to live with somebody else, the standard is for both people to be able to be in the house if they wish to.

Absolutely agree with everything you’ve said!

@NorthSouthLondon - I don’t think that @CitadelofRicks ‘stomped her feet’ or ‘demanded the house’ to herself - that seems somewhat exaggerated to me.

As someone who needs alone time, for my mental well being, and who struggles and gets exhausted when life is too people-y, I can understand how the OP is feeling. The only time she gets to be completely alone is when she is at home, but not working and her dh is in the office. She was looking forward to getting that time to de-stress, to relax in a way she simply can’t when other people are there - and suddenly she wasn’t getting what she needed.

And speaking for myself, I can assure you it is a ‘need’ not just a ‘want’ - the elastic can only be would up so tightly, and it reaches a point where you need to let it unwind or it will go bang. I know everyone doesn’t feel this way, but for those of us that do, pushing ourselves past the point where we need the alone time can make us feel burnt out.

But I think she dealt with it sensibly - she didn’t pout or stomp, but she took the time to talk to her dh and explain what she needed and why she needed it, and they resolved the situation in a grown up manner.

Op , you need to tell him that you need solitude from time to time , and also that you find it very hard when plans are changed at the last minute. Also, you need to communicate that you do not like being interrupted when you work. Just organise your thoughts , then go for a walk with him , or whatever you both find relaxing , and just talk to him . It is perfectly ok to communicate your needs , as he should be communicating his need, and then find a way to compromise. It is perfectly ok to have needs that are different from his, for instance , you could say that you don’t like to be interrupted when you are both working from home, but that you could have lunch & a chat together at a set time . Best of luck xx

Don’t ever have kids 😅 You can’t get any peace! 🥴
I love my space too and struggle with always having people around but since having kids I never have time alone! There’s always people around.

Sounds like you're both very/too comfortable wfh and so used to it neither wants to leave the house.

I have to leave early for work, commute can range from half an hour to an hour and a half amongst busy traffic, which I hate. Then full on day, not much break time, drive back. DH wfh and I can barely hold a conversation but expects me to be interested in the sofas he's perused online and I've barely had chance to read my messages or look at shared pictures of sofas.

So, yes, I get the need to have some alone time but more for the one who's been out all day.

I have one day off as I work at weekends and would desperately love that day to be on my own at home, while running errands etc.

I get this too. My DP wfh, and I am hybrid. I also see friends and go out with people a lot more. He is often home alone (well with the dog). I however am virtually never home alone. If DP happens to be out the kids are here.

He never goes out with friends and has very few hobbies. There is one that takes him out maybe every other week for a few hours and I love that time! I'd love to have a day or evening to myself at least once a week at home! It's nice to just relax and do as you please in your own space.

That's me!
DH works from home permanently. I do 2/3 days in the office. Mainly so I get an hour each way on the train without having to speak. He goes out for a 2 hr walk on a Saturday morning. Its literally the only time I'm alone in the week.

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP and YANBU.
I’m a teacher and have two young children and I’m constantly needed. Every Saturday (although this only started about 6 months ago when DH changed jobs) I get 1 hour to myself at a cafe while I wait for DD to finish her dance class. Last Saturday, DH went to do the food shopping before I had to take DD to dance - I said to him he was cutting the time a bit late and I was worried he wouldn’t be back before I had to leave which would mean I had to take DS with me to dance. He said he’d be really fast and be home in time. Fast forward one hour and I get a message saying the line in the supermarket is really long and he won’t be back in time so I’ll have to take DS to dance with me. I was furious, we were now running late as DS wasn’t even dressed (he should have been staying at home so wouldn’t have needed to be!). I took both kids to dance and ended up taking DS to a clothes shop to pick up some pants and socks for him instead of having my hour having a coffee and reading my book by myself. Needless to say, it pushed me over the edge and after the kids were in bed that evening I cried my eyes out and told my DH I just needed ONE HOUR to myself in the week, and it was taken away from me. He doesn’t get it because he has a quiet job and doesn’t talk to people often when working so he likes to be around people when not working. I hear ‘miss’ and ‘mum’ ALL day ALL week and I crave just a quiet moment to myself (I even thought about how nice it would be to have a small car accident and be mildly injured so I could be left alone and not have to do everything for a short period of time). Naturally, I realised that was insane and something was wrong and I finally told my DH how I was feeling. He may not understand my need for a bit of time to myself, but he respects it, and he’s stepped up around the house too. I wish I’d spoken to him so openly sooner. It may have just saved our marriage. Be honest with him and hopefully he’ll understand and if not, at least then you know you’ve tried!

Such a shame all the posts clearly not having a clue about neurodiversity.

Glad you've sorted it out, something me and my DH did which might help - taking the stance that if he's WFH then work will have to cope with someone making a brew in the background or similar. This is the consequence of WFH there are other people there, home interruptions etc. You shouldn't be trapped upstairs. He can also blur his background.

Me and my husband both work in our home office. Its a big enough room but means we back onto each other & yes calls can be intrusive!

I read most of your posts OP and two things came to mind - you need more time on own outside of work week on regular basis and you need clearer boundaries with your partner and to speak up for yourself and your needs even if it inconveniences others.

What about one day on weekend, or even a regular half Saturday completely on own with DP out of the house, or refusing any social engagements every so often - DP can go if he wishes to -and having a day completely on own? You may say you need time to recharge and leave it at that. If you need more time on own one day every so often will not help. Can you adjust your working schedule if work is interaction - heavy?

It may also be helpful to be honest with partner about the impact of his short notice plan changes on you. If he decides in the morning to work from living room and not office, you could politely remind him you've planned cooking/watching tv/having a bath that day and you're not changing your plans, even when it inconveniences his work or his calls. In fact, I'd made a point of walking across living room when he works. He has an office to go to, you don't.