To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

[CitadelofRicks]

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

I pout and sulk but in my head 😄

I only live with my adult kids now (one’s at uni) so when older one is at his gf’s for a few days I love just putting on my ear buds and dance around the house. I couldn’t do that if he was home.

I’m not ND.

I get this

It's paradise having the house to yourself

I'm in the office today and think dh is looking forward to it

I was replying to someone else, but seem to have I touched a nerve with you? 😂

Nope I just enjoy calling out your nonsensical responses 😁

I've read a bit more and tbh I think it's staggering how many people think YANBU! Her DH has the right to be in his own home 24/7 if he wants to be, it's his home. If he decided to be there every day then there is fuck all you could or indeed should do about it! If you are struggling due to your ND then YOU go out and find space!

You seem to have really taken Umbridge at OP's posts, but there are a lot of people who seem to understand OPs point of view, I've got a genuine question though.. What is your work setup like? Do you work from home, do you share your house with someone and do they work from home? Basically do you get any alone time in your own house?

I don't think the issue is that you never get time to yourself, but that you have to tiptoe around him and his work on the days he works from home, because he takes over the entire shared living space. It's pretty damn selfish of him, I think.

I would stop making yourself small to make him comfortable. Have your lunch when you want it and grab something from the kitchen when you want to. In fact I would be noisy when you do. Turn on the mixer or something. Let him deal with the discomfort. It's first and foremost a home and it's not set-up to accommodate the type of work he does.

He needs to find a space to have his hours long meetings that he has throughout the day, be that in the office or in the library, but the kitchen table is not an acceptable spot.

Good for you but my DP agrees with me so he clearly doesn’t think I’m being unreasonable. Him being ok with it is what matters most to me.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable to feel how she does, lot's of people can identify with the feeling of constantly being 'on' and never getting to enjoy the peace and quiet of an empty house.

I don't agree that she should make her DP feel bad about not going in to the office though, he should be free to chose where to work from, I think him monopolising the living space when he is working is unacceptable though, there should be something done about that IMO, especially if he is choosing to stay at home instead of going in.

It could have been anything though, it’s not specific to the office. It could have been he was going to be out all day fishing or golf then changed his mind. It’s the disappointment of not getting the house to herself for a few hours that’s the issue.

There's not a great deal you can do today but have you explained to him how you feel so you will get some time another time - ie love you but sometimes need some time alone - my next quiet day is - will you work from the office that day and not change your mind?
If he knows you're ND then he will understand this time is needed.

But that's not what OP is doing. He was supposed to go into work. She was looking forward to a quiet day of peace and alone time. He didn't go into work. HE has changed his plans.

I would never expect DH to leave the house or vice versa as a general rule, but I know he also likes time alone at home and he doesn't get a lot of it so sometimes I'll specifically make a plan to be out for the afternoon with one or both of the DC so he can just chill at home or on the days he tends to be at home I'll try go work somewhere else sometimes. That's just normal respect for each other and an awareness that we both like the peace and quiet at home.

OP does not have an office to go to. OP cannot be assigned tasks until her training is completed.

@HardenYourHeart I totally agree- the problem is it's not suitable for 2 people working at home as much as this and especially in his kind of role when home is very tiny indeed. It's like basically living in your office- maybe fine if it's 'just you' not fine if it's multiple people with long noisy on screen calls etc

I get it OP, when we thought about moving I told DH that unless I could have a room specifically for me without have to go through a room with others in then we had to buy 2 semis and knock a doorway in (kids are adults now but 1 still at home) ... I was half joking but he did understand me.
I'm ND and need time alone every day to regulate and be able to do my job, family life etc happily but it needs to be at home which many people won't understand.
Luckily we found somewhere that accommodates me being away from everyone when I need it.

I have zero alone time in the house and I definitely think it affects my mental health. I don't even know what I would do if I had the time but i just really crave it. I am basically never alone.

Glad you managed to talk it through and he seems to understand.

For what it's worth I totally get it too! There's a lot of people on here today who seem to just want to find fault and fight - not support each other! Very sad.
Hope things work out.

I’m sorry to hear this. It can definitely affect you when you don’t have a moments peace. Is there no way someone could step in for a bit? Even for an hour or two? I’m assuming you have kids. Really hope something changes for you soon.

Way to show your ignorance of both OP's feelings as well as neurodiversity in general.

Well done 👍

I totally understand how you feel. It's not that he's done anything wrong, it's just so disappointing when something you've built up to having doesn't materialise. Last minute changes of plans can easily have me frustrated, in tears and feeling all at sea all day. It's horrible.

I'm not ND but I could never share a house with someone. It makes me feel a bit panicky just thinking about not being able to do exactly what I want when I want in my own space. My job is based at work and I am out a lot of evenings too but when I am at home, it is 100% my own space and my time. I can't even always cope with it if my phone rings and sometimes ignore it. Nothing against the caller, I just need to be on my own. If you never get that time and you're ND then I can totally see why you're struggling.

Thank you that's kind. I've found your thread enlightening - I think that is part of why I have been feeling so out of sorts. I am going to try to find a way to achieve a bit more space for myself.

Please do if you’re able. I can relate to feeling out of sorts. Even a few hours would give you some respite ☺️

Who is to say that the DH isn't also ND?

Being ND means you have certain needs and others should make reasonable adjustments. Having to stick to a rigid schedule because your partner doesn't want you in your own house isn't reasonable.

As an ND person, I would find this absolutely stifling.

Yup this is exactly it. I’m usually very open minded but I need structure when it comes to plans that affect me. I struggle so much when I’ve got an idea of how my day is going to go in my head only for it to change so drastically without any warning.

This sounds exactly like myself and my ex husband. By the time I reached menopause it was unbearable to not have any time to myself and a husband who loved to talk all the time and never wanted to be alone. So no, you’re not being unreasonable.