She wants the gifted money back

[HereForItMaybe]

I'll keep it short - DM very kindly gifted myself and my brother £50k each, 5 years ago.

She has now asked for it back. My brother has not been asked.

AIBU to say no?

That's what I was thinking. If OP did give her the money, I would expect that it would be just frittered away and disappear.

OP, you want to help. You can probably best help by sitting down and going through her financials together. Where did the 100k go?

I'm all for do anything for your parents. But not like this. She doesn't care about you, her child, she's only thinking of herself, making you homeless, it's not a couple of grand she's asking for but would mean for u to put your house on sale and all the fees associated, so how is she fully getting her whole 50k back? Why should you suffer?

I would simply say you no longer have the funds to pay back, just like your brother you have spent it on the house. You won't be selling your home to give a gift back, it wasn't a loan and so why should you suffer just bc she wants to buy in a fancier area.

Has she actually said sell ur home, or are you thinking of doing that as that's the only way you'll be able to give some back?

Has your mum actually said she expects you to sell her house ?? If yes that is awful.

if no, I would say, DONT suggest it.
meet her, talk to her. Explain she knows you spent the money on house. Ask her how she expects you to raise the money. What I am saying is - don’t roll over and offer to sell your house without her even asking ! Make her say it, if she’s unreasonable enough, and point out to her how unreasonable it is

• she gave you a gift which was legally acknowledged as such
• you used it towards a house purchase with her full knowledge and consent
• it will cost tens of thousands in fees to sell, buy and move, to a smaller place
• this match your brother stuff is a red herring and implies it was not a gift / she had the right
• you cannot afford to lend or gift her money for her house purchase

She would be okay if she moved to an area which she could afford and wouldn't leave you out of pocket/homeless.

Given its legally been declared as a gift, she can't go back on that.

You can only gift her money you have available. You don't have £50k to gift to her out of a sense of obligation / emotional extortion.

Jesus Christ what am I reading! She gave you a gift. A gift that you would have to sell your home to pay back. No. She can’t seriously mean it, and you can’t seriously be considering it. Just no.

I like the PP's idea of asking her questions about where it would leave you etc.

Glad that you're speaking to your brother @HereForItMaybe . This situation stinks and it would be good for you to discuss it with the other gift recipient. Perhaps your Mum is being influenced by someone else (your Aunt?) - at the very least, she doesn't seem to understand how legally gifting money works.

I hope you can sort it out OP. The chances are if you did end up giving her the money back (I don't think you should) then you may well find it ruins your relationship with her. Something similar happened with DH and FIL and DH was very hurt by it. 3 years later FIL still doesn't understand what he did wrong and why DH has gone low contact.

Don’t worry about the last point @HereForItMaybe , she’d have to have evidence she didn’t have capacity and that would run her into all other sorts of problems, not least your brothers gift. Don’t let her or others get in your head.

Sorry - I meant to say as it was a gift and declared as such it’ll look dodgy if you now give it back 🤦‍♀️

I am a bit worried that your meeting with her today will have you being sweet, reasonable and dutiful while she brazenly tries to steal from you.
Where is your ANGER? You should be FURIOUS at this stunt she is trying to pull.
How dare she!!

I suspect your relationship is actually not as good as you may have deluded yourself it is. Childless daughters are not always seen as fully-formed independent adults worthy of respect but more as useful unsung assistants to their demanding parents.

I suggest you have a plan in your mind before you go to meet her. For example, to say as little as possible letting her words hang on the air to be answered with brief broken record responses. "That is illegal." "No, I will not be doing that." etc. No smiling or expression.

If your aunt is there or comes to join you, get up and leave! You must not let yourself be ambushed.

It will go against the grain and a lifetime of conditioning to assert your rights and feelings over those of your mother but it needs to happen sometime. Good luck today. I hope her ludicrous plans are well and truly demolished.

The way you are using language throughout your posts is strange - "I purchased a house", " I put the money towards a house purchase".

I read this as you bought "a house" (as an investment) and not "I bought my home".

Can you confirm you own one house, and you live in it full time?

I see what you mean - to confirm, I own one property, that I live in permanently. It's my lovely home. I definitely don't own any other houses.

I think I was trying to be clear with exactly how I used the gifted money.

'I purchased a house (with the money)'
'I put it (the money) towards a house purchase'.

Then it’s no.

Stay strong today when you meet her. As with your brother, the money is no longer available - it has been spent. You cannot gift your dm £50k.

And your mum also owns a property but wants to buy a new place in a more expensive area?

How moral is it to expect you to sell your home for her? And do what? Rent? Downsize? When you are settled and happy and this is security for yourself? This would be s massive disruption for you.

You can't give up your security or your lovely home. She is being completely unreasonable.

I think, when you're trying to "do right" by her, you have to consider how she ought to feel about "doing right" by you? She's given you this money and you made decisions based on those facts. Why should you now have to essentially ruin your life based on her wanting to change them? Would you ask the same of someone else? I assume not.

It's not a lifesaving operation, or saving her home from repossession after a catastrophe that wasn't her fault. It's ultimately just a preference. Why on earth would you give up your home (or your car) for a preference. It clearly wouldn't be "morally right" for your mum to insist on that.

@HereForItMaybe is your aunt perhaps moving in with her but doesnt have the money?? I cannot understand how she needs so much extra money to downsize even if the is upscaling! (unless she is moving into kensington palace!)

Please be strong today. Don't be talked into anything. Give her the facts. You do not have any money for her.

@HereForItMaybe I would say that @Bettyfromlondon has it here. I'd read her words and deeply digest them before meeting your mother.

Do not make any sort of verbal offer or agreement of any sort today. Choose your words very carefully. You do not owe her this money legally or morally. Take care of yourself.

Remind her of the legal steps you went through to show it was a gift when you bought your house.

You would sell your home to upgrade your mother? What kind of parent would even ask this of you?

Withholding information ? OP’s given all the detail necessary. You clearly haven’t grasped the situation and you’re giving very bad advice as a result.

Quoting this again @HereForItMaybe please read this and take it on board. What your mother is trying to make you do is awful.