She wants the gifted money back

[HereForItMaybe]

I'll keep it short - DM very kindly gifted myself and my brother £50k each, 5 years ago.

She has now asked for it back. My brother has not been asked.

AIBU to say no?

'i never had the money, mum. It went straight to the solicitor, so there isn't anything to give you, I'm sorry'. Ensure she knows you don't have have it & won't be selling your house. It's the only way. And don't give her your savings. She's hitting you up because she's more likely to get what she wants & knows your DB will say no.

If you don't have it already, get a copy of the document from the solicitor. Just to silence the rising of the 'loan' comments, which WILL come, likely from your aunt.

Your mum is an incredibly selfish woman to think it is reasonable to expect you to sell your home to fund her lifestyle. What sort of mother behaves like this? If your aunt feels bad for her, she can always give her 50k herself or sell her own home. You sound like an incredibly dutiful daughter but also very guilty for some reason. Why do you think this is?

If you don't have it already, get a copy of the document from the solicitor. Just to silence the rising of the 'loan' comments, which WILL come, likely from your aunt.

That. Have you checked all your documents from the purchase @HereForItMaybe ? You may already have a copy.

Just putting this here op..

It seems crazy your mother is penalising you for being sensible and putting your inheritance into an investment whereas your brother basically blew the lot of his. In my book a gift is a gift. She is basically asking you to change your life and have the costs of moving, just so she can. Can she not choose some place a little smaller/cheaper? If you do feel inclined to gift her some back, is there an even split in her will? She should be open with you. It needs to be fair with your brother. Could you both “remortgage” a smaller amount?

if she had “invested” that money wisely in an ISA etc tracking a worldwide index she could have grown it by 80%+ in the last 5 years. Just saying!

It’s back to FOG again. You don’t want to upset your mother and feel you are in the wrong. Look the term up. There’s a full website (“out of the fog”) and forum on the topic.

Of course she’s going to be ok-she already has a home to live in. She just doesn’t want you to. How about her worrying that you are going to be ok? When she’s trying to make you homeless.

The whole situation is really awkward.

If you put yourself in your mum's shoes, asking for £50k you gifted to someone is really odd. Has she got a secret gambling problem? Remortgaged her house? Being pressured to move to this area? Dementia?

Something doesn't seem right. Surely you'd only ask for a gift back out of desperation?

I'd speak to your brother and see what he makes of it.

She cannot expect you to sell your home to fund her home. That's illogical.

I’ve gifted money to my grown up children to help with house deposits, weddings etc. I would never ask for it back it was a gift, it’s gone. Can’t believe your mother is willing to make you sell your home for what seems like a bit of an ill thought out lifestyle choice on her part!

I think it’s awful if you have to sell your house can she not buy a cheaper house? Definitely unfair to not ask your DB for his gift back.

👋🏻👋🏻 hello @HereForItMaybe‘s mum 👋🏻👋🏻
Why are you being such a dick and want your gift back from your daughter?? And why are you not asking the same from your son??
🙄🙄🙄

And does she realise that even if you did sell up, you would have to remove all of your costs (which I would also include all of the costs of buying your home in the first place, so solicitors fees, searches, tax etc, plus the fees of selling, so again solicitors fees, estate agents fees) so she would get nowhere near £50k. Or does she want to make you homeless and make you pay for the privilege and go into debt as well.
what is morally right is to say no mum, it was a gift and I used it for my home. I can’t and won’t give it back.

Do not pay her back. If she dies in the next two years you will have to pay inheritance tax on money you no longer have. She is being very unreasonable.

OP, first? I would establish that she’s of sound mind at the moment. In your experience of her, is this in line with her usual behaviour. You sound almost resigned in your comments - like you’re absolutely tired of it. And that you’re used to not being considered. Think on that. Because this isn’t the behaviour of a loving mother (who is mentally well).

The money was gifted. You have no obligations to give her any money. That’s not how gifts work. Please protect yourself.

You say you wish to be a good daughter but to be brutally honest- it doesn't sound like she is being a very good mum!

A good mother should not be asking for that money back, especially when it means you will have to sell your own house to do so. Just because you don't have children is not a reason to pressure you into helping either. And you certainly shouldn't be punished for investing in your home rather than spanking it on holidays and cars etc.

Ultimately, she doesn't need the money. She wants it.

She wants to move to a more expensive area? Tough. She can't afford it. End of discussion.

I'm gobsmacked she even asked. I hope you get a hold of your brother. Maybe he knows more?

And you know this how? Tell us the rest, then, mum

Don’t let her think it’s possible to give the money back if it leaves you at a disadvantage. If you say you’ll give the same back as your brother you’d have no proof he’s done so yet you’d have to sell your home.

the £50k was sent direct to my solicitors, hence the paperwork beforehand to ensure it was a gift and not a loan; she agreed to have no claim on the title of the house deeds.

@HereForItMaybe You need to remind your mum of this and keep repeating it ad finitum. She cannot "have the money back". That would only apply if it was a loan. It was not a loan. She gifted you the money and signed a legal declaration saying so. There is nothing more to be said.

Absolutely this.

You're going to be out of pocket if you're forced to sell. Surely she can see that?

I'm starting to question her state of mind, as other posters have mentioned.

You're not opening it your mum did when she asked for the money back. Surely she wouldn't have you sell your house you live in to pay it back? You're not the one being selfish

Are you sure she isn't developing dementia?

You shouldn't be the one feeling uncomfortable. This is all your mum's doing 😞

Seriously you meet with her, tell her you don’t have the money any one it’s spent and it was a gift

end of story, DO NOT say you will give her back as much as your brother will.

it’s a gift, she may get sulky about not getting it back, but let her

OP please do not give her the money back. You said you want to do what is right morally. I can assure you keeping the gift is right, someone demanding it back is absolutely morally repugnant to put you in such a position. She is willing to make you homeless. I'd worry she has dementia that her reasoning is so broken.

What’s difficult to get your head around is that your mum has had her cake and is now trying to eat it.

She had a windfall - generously ‘spent’ £100k on her children which would probably have bought her a LOT of gratitude, favours, respect, love, appreciation, as well as shared in all the excitement of you choosing and buying a house - more gratitude etc. NOW SHE WANTS IT BACK. SO she’s had the satisfaction of bestowing this massive gift to both of you and all that entails and now she expects to have it all back again. Even though it wasn’t a loan.

You say your brother is a spender. Could he take after your mum? She had an enormous amount of money and spent/ gave half of it straight away (I assume) to her kids - a unbelievably generous gesture, but it was kind of spending it on your futures and goodwill towards her, and as it turns out, just a gesture. Is she impulsive?

Assuming she never told you it was a loan, do you think she sees family as cutting out the middleman of a bank, and if someone’s in desperate need of cash, one of you steps up to bail them out? In her case by providing you the means to buy your current house, now it’s your turn to provide the deficit to facilitate her moving to a nicer area?