She wants the gifted money back

[HereForItMaybe]

I'll keep it short - DM very kindly gifted myself and my brother £50k each, 5 years ago.

She has now asked for it back. My brother has not been asked.

AIBU to say no?

Tough!

She’s putting you in a really unfair position op. YANBU

I was thinking the same theing. There are rules around gifted money from a tax perspective

Quite, especially as her mum wants a more expensive house- talk about rubbing salt in the wound!

I hope I'm not overstepping but you sound a bit frightened of her.

I have experience of this type of "mother". Really imagine asking the same thing of your daughter, it'll help you get in touch with your self-protecting anger and put up boundaries. Push through the guilt she's installed in you.

I wouldn't even meet with her. I don't know anything else about what she's like but she's being very unkind to put you in this position. I bet it's not the first time she's prioritised herself over you.

nobody is saying it will be "that simple" to say no to her. We understand that it might feel awkward or guilty or be upsetting. But it's important to bear in mind that it is HER creating the awkwardness/distress by putting you in this unfair position in the first place.

Her asking to repay a freely given gift is not a normal or fair thing to do, and the majority of people would never think of doing it. You refusing to sell your house is a normal and expected response, and the vast vast majority (as evidenced by this thread) of people would do exactly the same. So any awkwardness is not of your making.

I think when you have this conversation with her, you shouldn't put on a brave face and try to minimise it but should essentially say everything you've said here - that it feels like she values your brother's financial stability more than yours because he has children, that him having a nice holiday and expensive cars is more important than you having a roof over your head, that she's punishing you for being sensible rather than spending the money on fun things, and this has all hurt you a lot.

If she's going to ask you for something she should be aware of exactly what the impact on you is going to be and how this will affect your relationship.

You've spent it too! Just because you have an asset you could (and should not) sell, doesn't mean its still available. Say no.

I wouldn't even say you'll match what your brother will give her.
It makes no difference what your brother does, she gave you a gift and it was legally documented when you got your mortgage.
As a mum of 3 adult DC's I wouldn't dream of this
I would compromise my lifestyle with pleasure if it meant the money would help them buy a property.
In fact my DS2 has offered to contribute should I ever need to move myself( I'm disabled and own leasehold)

Honestly op I really don’t think you should offer her a penny, she made her choice and made a legal declaration that it was a gift, not a bloody loan to be called in whenever she fancied, BUT I certainly don’t think your plan of offering to match whatever your brother returns is a good one! Why would you even consider doing that?!

It really is that simple.

Secondly you could say that you signed a document to say it was a gift so you’re not about to break the law now, if that would give you an excuse!

And she clearly isn’t being sensitive to you, so why worry back!

Call your brother today. Talk it over with him first.

If you really don't want to displease her, then can you try blaming a third party? Make a big thing of how HMRC are going to clobber both of you, possibly charging a large percentage of the money (I'm not sure what the actual tax implications are, but I doubt your mother does either). Blaming HMRC and pointing out the huge penalties you will both face which would make it very difficult for her to get the money back might make it easier and more palatable for you.

Yes, basically I'm saying lie to her. Or stretch the truth at the least.

Unless you have been wanting to move for ages and this just speeds it up there is no way I would agree to sell your home to pay her the money back. I would tell her tomorrow that you will look into remortgaging to release the funds. Then seriously look into it with a solicitor/your mortgage provider because you need to know what the implications are and hopefully have enough backup to explain why she cannot just ask for a 50k gift back without looking like you just dig your heels in and say no.

No, I've gifted money before (not as much as you) but that's what is was, a gift. I knew I can never ask for it back.

This !
It’s a very strange thing to do as a parent, to ask for a gift back years later. What happened to her £100000 ?

On the face of it, it seems fair/appropriate, and it's a way of putting the focus on both of us rather than just me. But I do see your point it was never, ever discussed as a loan, it was a gift and was legally declared so.

I can't find it now but a poster mentioned that she could say she was not in sound mind at the time of giving the money, so she could have legal standing to force repayment anyway?

Just to remind you to reframe what you think is happening here...

If you give her money you will be GIVING her a GIFT. You will not be repaying anything.

Please keep reminding yourself of this. She is (legally) asking you to give her money.

Best of luck with this OP :)

Your aunt thinks you should have to sell your home because years later your mum has changed her mind, but your brother shouldn’t have to sell his assets ? Crazy !

You will NOT be a terrible daughter.
Your mother is wrong and so is your aunt.
Don't do it.
It's a really shitty thing to do and in your place I'd be saying NO fucking way.

It really is that simple. She gave you a gift. It then belonged to you. It still does. If you decide to give her money then that would be a gift from you to her. You shouldn’t give her this gift, you shouldn’t meet to talk about it, you shouldn’t get involved in what your brother did or didn’t do with his gift either. That was and is his business. Your gifts, both yours and his are fuck all to do with your mother. None of it has anything whatsoever to do with your aunt. It’s all very straightforward.

Talking to her will just enmesh and confuse you further , and I am sure she knows it. Better by far to make your decision, I assume to keep the house you rely on to live in, and communicate this to her in writing ( online or otherwise ) in black and white. Then don’t get involved. It might seem difficult, but once communicated your head will start to clear and you’ll realise how outrageous she is being.

You really need to talk to your brother, not just 'guess' what she might have thought about asking him.

I'd be clear on this with her

"So you gave me a gift of 50k which I've spent. You are now asking me to give you a gift of 50k? I don't have that kind of money to gift"

I'm not sure to be honest - she hasn't made any 'big' purchases/had expensive holidays, so she could have saved it. She did have a new bathroom installed 4 years ago, I've just remembered.

The new location she wants to move to is very expensive so I'm assuming she feels whatever she does have, isn't enough?

And if she tries to force repayment it would have to be actionable on both gifts given - not just one. Meaning she would legally be seeking the 50k back from both of you. I imagine she would spend quite a lot of money fighting this in court, wouldn’t she?

And I wouldn’t make a blind offer like this, what if your brother offered back 30k of the sum? Or the full thing? As soon as you’ve said you’ll match it, you have to. You really need to have a bottom line before offer to hand over potentially tens of thousands.

As a mother I couldn’t imagine any world I’d justify turfing my daughter out of her own home so I could get a better one for myself. CF to the highest degree.

Does she realise you don't have the cash and would need to sell your house? That you would be selling your house, buying somewhere not as nice, incurring £10,000s in costs for the sale and purchase?

If she understands all that and still has the nerve to ask, she is showing she doesn't care about your wellbeing, financial or otherwise.